The Recovering Straight Girl

It's over...

2006-06-08T20:56:00.000-07:00

I have followed in the footsteps of many of my friends and made the switch...
No, I'm not becoming straight again.

Blogger and I have finally broken up.

RSG can now been found at www.recoveringstraightgirl.com
Come by and see me, say hello, and update your links!

I'm still here...for now

2006-06-06T11:37:00.000-07:00

My blogging issue continues although I am making slow and steady progress!

I obtained my domain name and obtained hosting. I've redirected my domain to my new hosting server and attempted to download the wordpress software. I'm working on it, really I am but sometimes reading all of this stuff just gives me a headache and I lay in bed thinking about FTP and DNS and all sorts of other acronyms.

Really I just need someone to do it for me????? (hint, hint, nudge, nudge, anyone who knows how to do this stuff better than I???)

Until then, I suppose I will just hang here for a little while and ride out my web issues the best I can.

All is well in this corner in the world, the weather has been unusually humid and not so pleasant. HG and I have been painting like you would not believe. Here is our living room before...

Here it is now...

It's in a bit of disaray (because we're painting,) but you get the general idea. The color over the fireplace looks very pink in the picture but it's not IRL. The name of it is Toasted Nutmeg. The darker is Wine Barrel, and the other is Wilmington Tan, although on the wall it looks quite gold. I was really trying to pick NEW colors from my old house,

but alas, I guess I'm set in my ways (and taste,) becuase it turned out looking quite similar. I like it, HG likes it, the girls like it, so that's just fine.

In other news...(warning, RSG is jumping up on a political soapbox, read at your own risk...)

I guess we have nothing else important going on in our country that our elected officials should be looking in to, so they are discussing amending the constitution to discriminate against more than 10 percent of the population.

Nice.

I suppose that is more important than other things like a war that has killed 2500 US soldiers and thousands and thousands and thousands of civilians. Or the fact that we are in an energy crisis in this country and I am paying over $3.00 a gallon for gas. Or the fact that we have a major immigration issue/conflict that is causing civil distress.

Even this story seems more important!

Why aren't they looking into THAT? Geez, our last president was impeached for such actions, but no one seems to care about W's philandoring? Instead our trusted government officials are debating whether or not if I get married to HG if that would somehow upset the "sanctity" of marriage? What about the "sanctity" of W's marriage? Where are his "family values?"

To be honest, whether or not W is having an affair with anyone, I could really care less. What I do care about is time, money, and energy being taken away from very important issues to try to stop me and a lot of other people from having the same rights as anyone else; it's sickening.

Then I saw this bitch on the Today show this morning and just about puked.
You can read an article about the appearance here.
Or go to Today's website and see the video. I'm telling you people, Jesus does NOT heart that woman. Also, she released her new book today; you know, today, The Devil's Day. I personally don't believe in "The Devil," but now I'm starting to wonder if there IS a devil and she is actually Ann Coulter?

Okay. Enough political soapboxing for one day.
I've got important things to attend to, HG and I are off to Costco.

Ciao y'all. I hope you didn't all forget me?

The blogging dilemma continues

2006-05-30T13:51:00.000-07:00

I am still trying to figure out what to do with this blogging issue I have. Kristine managed to get all of my previous posts to another blogging host but I'm not sure if that's the one that I will go with. At this point I'm weighing out my options and considering the best course of action. I certainly will keep everyone posted. A big move is coming, Blogger and I are no longer in a happy, healthy relationship and it's time for me to make a change.

It's time to stop the cycle of abuse that has so plagued our relationship for so long and that change needs to start with me.

For now, I will continue to post here. I have a feeling that the change will happen before the end of the week. Thanks go out to Kristine and Sarcastic Journalist, who have been guiding me on how to end my dysfunctional relationship and move on to a brighter blogging future.

Ciao for now.

Blogger Sucks!

2006-05-25T15:59:00.000-07:00

Kristine from Random and Odd here sending out this message for RSG.

Because Blogger has so nicely LOST all of her archives and will not allow her to even sign in, i'm am writing this for her.
She's currently in the middle of an email war with the people at Blogger trying to see if she can get all her information back and find a way to log in.
I know some of you have had this problem with blogger...but you all stuck with blogger like beaten dogs!

I told her, "NO MORE!"
RSG insisted, "NO MONEY FOR REAL BLOG!"
I told her, "Shut up, Blogsome is free...it's a bit bigger than the britches you're wearing now, but you can do this."
RSG whimpered, "Fine, but you're setting it up and teaching me how to do this!"
I WON!

RSG has finally kissed blogger's ass and moved here:
http://rsg.blogsome.com

Don't change your links yet, there is a chance she might convert back to Blogger. You can still come here and stalk her, but if you're a long time reader head on over to the new place and leave her a comment with your blog address and email address so she can add you to her new blogroll.

Very important note: If you lurk and don't ever leave a comment...go over to her new place and leave her a comment. Say, 'i lurk..' just so we know you made it okay?

and it wouldn't be me if I didn't end this 'boob hair'.

How to have a really crappy day*

2006-05-24T19:10:00.000-07:00

1. Find out that the "support" money that has been ordered to you by a judge in the state that you live in is very late. So late that you literally have $11.00 dollars in your checking account because you stupidly "count" on those funds being available on the date that they usually are.

2. Finding out that said state isn't even up to date or as organized as JCPenney or Pottery Barn. Why? Do you ask??? Because in order to change my address with said state, I needed to hit redial and listen to a busy signal for twenty or more minutes, then wait on hold, then talk to a representative who asks me twelve hundred questions and then instructs me to give that change of address "in writing" and can't even take it over the phone. Ironically enough, I logged on to JCPenney.com to order some 350 count pima cotten sheets for my bed, and voila, THEY ALREADY KNEW MY NEW ADDRESS, without me even telling them. And Pottery Barn. Oh, they sent me a new catalog at my new address, WITHOUT ME EVEN TELLING THEM!

3. Spend over an hour on the phone with Verizon for the SEVENTH time to try to fix an e-mail address problem that shouldn't have ever been a problem, and still isn't resolved after a month and SEVEN tech support people working on it. Seriously people, I'm not trying to access information about the CIA or the KGB or anything; I'm simply trying to add my girlfriends e-mail address as a sub-account of my already established verizon dsl account. How hard could this possibly be? I could probably get top security clearance to a hostile nation with less effort than this.

4. Find out that a horrible blog post comment that I received here was actually made by one of the crazy people that I work with at my glamorous waitressing job who I considered one of my friends. She even professed to loving me and caring about me when she made this "confession." She claims that she was trying to give me a "wake up call," and "snap me out of it" so that I could realize how good my life really was. Guess what? It didn't do that, it only hurt my feelings very, very deeply. She tried to justify it by saying that I said mean things about her on this post.
She would be the one referred to as "HotBox." I failed to see how I was mean, but perhaps I'm just crazy?

5. Be told by my XH that taking my children to Mexico to see my partners parents is "not a good option for our girls at their ages," and that I'm only thinking of myself and not the safety of my children, even though they would be in a very safe environment in a gated community in a retirement/tourist area with their mother and bonus mother and bonus granparents who love them and would look after them. Then told if I choose to take them against his wishes it would be documented. (read: threat, threat, threat.)

6. Find out from my oldest daughter that the abovementioned father of theirs told her: that if it weren't for them, he wouldn't care at all about what happened to me. I told my daughter that I was sorry that he felt that way, and that I didn't feel that way at all; that even if they all three dissapeared tomorrow, I would always care about what happend to him.

Yep, that's pretty much how my day has gone.

*I "borrowed" this title and blog post format from the Sarcastic Journalist, whom I heart.

Ask RSG

2006-05-20T15:24:00.000-07:00

Recently I received an e-mail from "Kim," another RSG who had a question about leaving her relationship and about leaving her child. Her question went like this:

Can you dedicate a post to those of us who may be leaving, and possibly be
even giving up custody of their kids? For me, it's because I'm a full-time,
many-degreed professional who needs to put in way over 40 hours a week while
my husband is a blue-collar kind of a guy who gets home by 4 each day. In my
case it's because it's in my son's best interests, but I suppose there are
lots of ladies out there who just leave to leave.

I had to think a lot about this because I certainly didn't want to have any kind of judgement surrounding it. I think that it's important to weigh out all of the factors in any kind of custody arrangement concerning children, but as a mother and the primary caregiver for my own children, it's difficult for me to imagine giving that up.

I have strived to have my children's life stay as close to the way it was as possible, and I think that is what Kim is trying to do as well. There are several factors to take in to consideration, the most important being that you do not want your child to feel as though he has been abandoned in any way. It is important to establish and maintain as much normalcy as possible and keep the childs standard and way of living as close to the same as can be. This would mean, not moving far away from your child, making sure that you are still able to participate in the same capacity as before; going to parent/teacher conferences, attending school concerts and sports events. Do not use the fact that you are not in the same house as an excuse to no longer parent your child. If you are unable to share physical custody, be sure that you have ample visitation and also see your child throughout the week. Kim didn't mention how old her child was, but he shouldn't be going more than a few days without seeing his mother, even if it's just for dinner every other night. Some sacrifices in work and social schedules may need to be made to insure that he feels as though he is loved and safe, and that is what children need, no matter what their family dynamics are; to feel loved and safe.

Children need to know and be made to know, that BOTH of their parents love them and will always take care of them and keep them safe. This is true of any divorce or separation situation; not just one where a mother leaves because she is a lesbian.

Women who do leave their relationships because they are a lesbian have a whole bunch of other things to address, but that stuff is really seperate from their children. The children need to know that their mother loves them and that's all. When the time comes to address your sexuality; that will be a different issue all together.

People leave their relationships for a lot of different reasons; one's sexuality is only one of them. It's important for people to live their lives as who they are and not pretend to be someone that they are not. It's important to be true to yourself and the people around you; including your family. If you are who you are, and are living your life fully and truly; your happiness will be reflected to the others around you, including your children.

Being good to yourself and true to yourself will make you a better mother; but being a mother is the primary responsibility. You can still live your life the way you want to live it, and fulfill the duties of being a parent at the same time; it's just a bit of a balance.

Good luck to you Kim, and to other women who may be struggling with the same issue. It is important to keep your child's best interest, but the child's best interest almost always involves parenting from both parents.

Mother's Day Pictures

2006-05-18T16:22:00.000-07:00

Here's a few photos from Mother's Day. I was trying to make a new flickr badge but I can't seem to find it anywhere on my flickr page. I'm not sure if they redid the page or not, but it all looks different. It's very upsetting.

Anyway, I believe you can just click on a photo and it will take you to the others in the Mother's Day set. We had a nice time, very relaxing.

Enjoy, I'm off to yet another softball game. This time DD#2 is playing on DD#1's team because they are short a player. Should be interesting.

Rant and rave, stomping my feet.

2006-05-17T16:47:00.000-07:00

It's been that kind of week; a this and that kind of week. Busy as always, with the girls going six different directions at six different times, plus Mother's Day and working and house stuff; you know.

Truthfully.

All of it is making me a little cranky. The schedule of the kids, every single night having a softball game, driving 30-40 minutes each way, juggling who's going to carpool with who because they are in two different cities, DD#1's games last TWO hours. Getting home late, getting kids showered, and to bed, maybe by 9:30 at the earliest. Then back up at 6:15 for school. By the time that Friday gets here, my kids are exhausted and I start my work week.

Today I reminded DD#2 and DD#3 to check to see if their uniforms were clean, switch the laundry if necessary. I told them this on my way out the door, at 2:30. I returned home at 4:00 and sat down at my computer to print out directions to the game and return a couple of phone calls. I called for them to get ready to go. They looked at me like I had three heads. Then DD#2 said, "But my uniforms not clean, because YOU DIDN'T WASH IT!" I came fucking UN-GLUED!!!!! I told her that I had reminded her to find her uniform and see what needed to be done about it, (HG was home and would have HAPPILY washed it for her...) Do you know what she told me? "I FORGOT."

OH. MY. GOD.

That is the WRONG thing to say to a un-glued, raging lunatic, hot, tired mother who does nothing but run her kids all over the damn place every single fucking day.

I would finish this post but I must take my oldest child to piano lessons.

I want to pull my fucking hair out.

Ranting and raving over.

Happy again

2006-05-13T15:25:00.000-07:00

HG FINALLY came home. I was so excited to see her that I had butterflies in my stomach and was practically shaking on my way to the airport to pick her up. DD#2 came home sick from school that day, so she was in tow. Miraculously, as soon as we picked up HG, DD#2 suddenly felt better.

HG had a nice visit with her best friend, and I'm so glad that she went and had fun; but I'm even happier that she is home again with me! (I'm a selfish bitch, I can't help it...)

So we have spent the last few days feeling grateful to be together again and as sickening as it sounds, falling in love all over again. Sigh. It's a wonderful thing.

We are having beautiful weather here in Oregon and we are looking forward to celebrating a nice Mother's Day tomorrow with my girls, my brother, and my best mom. I hope all of you mothers have a great Mother's Day as well. (I meant "mother's" meaning actual mothers, not "mother's" like, "You Mother.")

Ciao.

One more day

2006-05-09T15:51:00.000-07:00

I miss my Hottie Girlfriend.

Of course I talk and text her like ten thousand times a day, but it's just not quite the same. I miss having her here to talk to me, sleep next to me, run around doing stupid stuff with me. No one has done the laundry, and once I left my clothes on the middle of the bedroom floor.

I'm a mess. Big pathetic mess.

When HG and I first started dating, it was after a brief, but well intended friendship. Neither one of us were ready or even looking to be in any kind of relationship. I told her the first time that we met for coffee that I had nothing to offer someone; I had strings, and issues, and a lot of baggage. Loads and loads and loads of baggage. I had so much baggage I needed a small truck to carry it all around. I was broken and sad and felt very damaged and unworthy of anything good to happen. I was convinced that I would spend a long, long time alone contemplating my life decisions and being punished for hurting people that I had loved. I was okay with the alone part. I'm not afraid of myself, I was just sure that it was going to be a long time before I felt anything other than heartache.

HG and I spent several days e-mailing and IMing. I hadn't even given her my phone number because, really, what was the point? I wasn't going to "date" her. I even offered my friend from work that maybe SHE should date her since there was no way that I could. I invited her to attend an event; so I could introduce her to some of my friends. It became very apparent within about five seconds of our second "NON-date," that I was insanely attracted to her. So attracted that at moments I felt like I couldn't even breathe, I couldn't focus, I felt like I had taken some kind of drug that makes you feel like electricity is exploding in your body. It made my chest hurt, and my toes tingle; it was not like anything I had every felt before. Nothing was awkward, the entire evening just flowed and moved like we had always known eachother and our lives had always fit together. We still weren't admitting that we felt anything other than friendship, out loud anyway. Everyone around us just looked at us and smiled; they saw what we were trying to deny.

We only denied it for a few more hours and we haven't been away from eachother for more than a short while ever since.

Until now.

It amazes me so much that somehow I managed to live almost 37 years without HG in my life; but now that she's so much a part of it, I can't remember what it was like before she was in it. I guess that's just what love does to you.

Only one more day.

Why is it?

2006-05-09T14:04:00.000-07:00

That just when things seem to be getting good, something happens to bring you down?

That some people can't just leave well enough alone and allow other people to just be happy?

That some people are unable or incapable of moving past hurt feelings from the past?

That some people can't seem to pull their heads out of their asses long enough to even notice what is going on in their own lives?

That some people are so filled with contempt that they would purposely put their own children in danger just to cause pain to someone else?

I'm having a bad couple of days. If it isn't one thing, it's twelve, but who's counting?

HG, please come home to me!!!!!

Heartsick

2006-05-07T15:25:00.000-07:00

My HG has gone far, far away.
Well, just until Thursday.
But I am blown away at how completely and utterly empty that I feel here without her, even for just a few days. I seriously think there must be something really, very wrong with me that I feel unable to function without her.

I'm so fucking pathetic.

Carefully store your champagne

2006-05-03T23:51:00.000-07:00

Once I saw in a movie a scene that showed a wine cellar of some sort. For some reason because of temperature or some kind of change, all of the corks started popping out of the champagne bottles and champagne was squirting everywhere. I don't know why this happened, but I'm sure that there must have been some explanation. I suppose I could sit here and google search it; but really, I can't be bothered. So instead, I will make a very non-scientific, non-educated guess. My non-scientific, non-educated guess would be that the champagne was sitting there, doing just fine, when over some period of time, it's environment began to change. This then caused a change in the dynamic of the champagne. Eventually over some time, perhaps even a short time, the pressure from the environment change built and built and built, until it exploded all over the place and perfectly lovely champagne was all over the wine cellar floor, causing much distress for the wine cellar owners, I'm sure.

My non-scientific, non-educated deduction from this movie scene is this:

It is very important to keep the temperature and environment of your wine cellar consistent and stable at all times; for if you do not, you could very possibly have a big mess to clean up; and no one likes cleaning up big messes.

Managing the mahem

2006-05-03T08:36:00.000-07:00

Busy is an understatement to describe my life at this time. I suppose that I have impeccable timing when it comes to moving because we decided to do it at the busiest times of my childrens year.

Forget about the boxes for a moment, (although for me, this is difficult as I am looking at about twelve of them in our office...) My children's school activities have been insane. They have been going on field trips like you wouldn't believe, DD#1 has had a HUGE state project that was turned in today, and DD#2 has to do a report on a country. Plus, end of year concerts, choir concerts, recorder concerts, piano recitals etc. And to top it all off; they are ALL THREE playing softball which equals SIX softball games PER WEEK. Yes, we have softball games every day that we have the girls, two each on M-W, and one each on T-TH. And it's not like the games are here in the town that we live in, oh no, that in itself would be way too convenient. We travel for most of the games, to other towns, far, far away.

And some people wonder why I don't have a full time job right now???

I'm not exactly sure how I manage to get myself into thses things. It always seems like a good idea at the time, softball is good exercise for kids, right? School is a good thing for them too, right? Having them in the first place? That was a little out of my control, but we went with it.

When you're handed that baby for the first time and you look at how cute and little they are, you don't realize that in just a few short years you will be broke and exhausted from their damn schedules. DD#3 told me yesterday that she wants to take gymnastics. DD#2 said that she did too. DD#1 signed up to be in band next year and play the clarinet.

What the hell happened to me and how did I get all of these children????
How do I make it STOP???

Someone please remind me that they grow up fast and before I kow it they will be off to college and out of the house, (and I'll miss them??)

Remind me that all of this activity (and my involvement,) is going to make them good, solid, responsible, and productive members of society. Remind me that if they weren't so active, they would probably be addicted to potato chips and video games and end up using drugs and getting pregnant at age 13.

Because after sitting in the cold watching two hours of VERY painful softball games four days a week, I might forget.

My goal was to have every box out of the house by today.
That is not going to happen.
Eventually softball season will end, I guess I'll contend with those boxes then. Perhaps at that time my well adjusted, non-bored, non-video-game-addicted children will be able to help me.
I'll try to remind myself of that possibility.

The Move

2006-04-27T08:31:00.000-07:00

Okay blogging friends, I'm doing the best I can here. My computer is working VERY slow as I am "borrowing" a wireless connection from my neighbors and it has a "low" signal, making is slow go for uploading mass amounts of pictures to Flickr.

But here is our move story in pictures:

This is the day we got the keys and HG opened the door for the first time. I wanted to carry her over the threshold, but she wouldn't let me! We wanted to go over and rid the house of "boy energy" before we moved in. I don't think I mentioned that we bought the house from a gay couple, we like the gay energy, just not the boy energy!

Here I am smudging the house with cedar, white sage, and some other crystal type incense that smelled really good. We let it burn in the middle of the house, downstairs and upstairs, and smudged with the white sage in every room and every corner. (boy energy knows how to hide places...)

Empty, clean house. This is the dining room looking into the living room.

Me in the kitchen looking hugely fat. Since being with HG I have gained about forty to fifty pounds. Luckily she likes me however I am.

HG is so freakin cute!

It's moving day!

We know how to start the day off right! Unfortunately these bloody mary's were NOT made by Hottie Mama (HG's Mama.) They were pretty good though!

God bless movers.

Right after the movers left, our friend Darcy brought us pizza and beer, and our first housewarming card!

Ginger and Abby came to the new house later that first day. They were quite excited sniffing everything. Here Ginger just looks confused.

Pictures from this morning:
Shelly came over yesterday and helped us unpack. My goal was to get all of the boxes out of the downstairs, which I achieved thanks to her. Of course I had to listen to teasing from she and HG about how many sets of matching salt and pepper shakers I have. Don't those silly girls know that you need a set for each guest at your dinner party? Not to mention the ration of shit I got for my gold charger plates. Kami, help a girl out here?
Dining Room:

Into the Living Room:

Kitchen:

Yes, those are post-it notes labeling where I want everything to go in the cabinets. I also labeled every room with one as well as all of the furniture, (for the movers.) Yes, I know, don't even say it.

That's it for now. You'll have to wait for the upstairs. The family room is about done, but the bedrooms and the office are a hellacious mess. Goal today: Put away my damn clothes that are all over the closet on the floor and in baskets!

Finally I must make a shout out to new readers. First, my soon-to-be-mother-out-law and my soon-to-be-sisters-out-law. I do crazy things when I drink tequila in Mexico, like give out the name of my blog to people that I SHOULD be being on my best behavoir with. One promise I will make: I will not draw ANY diagrams, charts, or graphs explaining who I am. I will, however, blog about it to the entire civilized world with an internet connection.

Second, to my sweet friend Lauren and her sweet husband Spencer and their sweet baby Ella. They were one of my favorite couples when I was a doula and I found their blog by googling myself, (remember, I'm a narcissist.) They moved far away to Missouri, so I am excited to keep in touch with them again through the blog world. Maybe someday soon, I'll write a post about them!

That's all for now, Shangie is bringing us lasagna later and my Mom is cutting out of work early to come over to see us. The sun is shining in Portland and we are looking forward to another great day!
(I know, it's just gross how chipper and happy I am...)

Whew!

2006-04-26T07:39:00.000-07:00

We're exhausted. And unfortunately Jess, it's NOT from breaking in all of the rooms, (we only managed to get to two so far...) HG says not to worry, we have eleven years in this house.

Our house is BEAUTIFUL (although the walls are white, something soon remedied.) I know that the death threats are on their way to see pictures and I promise I will find the camera and upload some later today. Promise, really.

The downstairs is almost without boxes, but the upstairs. Oh my. It's getting there, a little at a time. I find myself getting distracted and forgetting what task I was doing and then I end up in the garage, looking around and thinking, "wow, this is a fucking mess."

If I didn't say it before, let me just state it for the record. HG rocks my world and she is the most awesome, absolutely fabulous girfriend in the history of all girlfriends, (all girlfriends, not just mine...) I came home from work on Sunday evening and she had unpacked, cleaned, vacuumed, mopped, computers set up, etc, etc, etc. Let me tell you how many times that has happened in my life in the past. . . hmm, let me think here, oh, okay, now I know. . .
NEVER.
I heart her.

The move went well, although the movers had to make severall trips which took a lot longer than it should have, (nine hours with three guys moving.) They were pretty good though, and quite entertaining to watch. Although it was exhausting watching them and telling them where to put things while drinking a beer. Honestly, it was hard, mind stressful work!

I promise to post pictures, really I do. Thanks so much for the well wishes and congratulations. It's been a bit stressful, but worth every second of it.
Until later,
Ciao, y'all.

A Public Service Announcement From Shangie!

2006-04-21T21:27:00.000-07:00

Hello all.

***Recovering Straight Girl and her Hot Girlfriend are moving into their new house & can't come to the blog right now...please leave a message & they will get back to you when they can:)***

Actually...they will not have internet access for several days & she can't blog.

I'm sure she will have pictures of the new house when she posts next.

We are going to go check out the new place in a couple of days ... We can't wait to see it.

Congratulations Recovering Straight Girl & HG:)

~Shangie

Happy Homeowners!

2006-04-19T07:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday HG and I signed our lives away. We are now the proud owners (well, after thirty years of payments,) of our beautiful home together.

We get the keys tomorrow at five and move in Saturday morning.

Woo-hoo.

And yes, despite Shelly's vicous rumor that I hadn't started packing (I hadn't,) I have been packing my little heart out; probably about half way there and a few more trips to the Goodwill.

Fitting the mold, molding the fit

2006-04-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

HG and I went to see Kate Clinton perform on Saturday. She was very entertaining and we had a fabulously wonderful time together, as we always do. Kate Clinton is a lesbian comedian who is celebrating 25 years of doing comedy. One of her more famous lesbian jokes is:

Question: What does a lesbian bring to a second date?
Answer: A U-Haul.

So true in so many cases. Why, do you ask? Well, I believe that it has something to do with the deep connections that women are able to make with eachother that isn't confused with all of the game playing and courting rituals that so many men and women do with eachother. Women, also tend to listen and follow their hearts and may not abide by conventional practical, pragmatic, "rules" of dating and courtship.

That is certainly the case with HG and I.
We have been madly in love with eachother since our very first date, and we been together every day and practically every night since then.

We're such typical lesbians.
I hate being pigeonholed into a stereotype,
but if the Birkenstock fits, I guess you need to wear it.

There's only one difference with HG and me that is very different from the joke.
There will be NO U-Hauls in this relationship;

Willamette Valley Moving Company with three big guys at $95.00 per hour will be arriving on Saturday morning to move us both out of our respective homes and into the home that we are purchasing together.

Yes, tomorrow morning at 9:00 AM, HG and I become the proud owners of a beautiful home where we will spend the next eleven years in, (after that, we will downsize...)

Saturday we begin our life together as a couple.

Sickeningly sweet, isn't it?

Happy Easter!

2006-04-16T09:05:00.000-07:00

Christ the Lord has risen today...
Okay, not really but I really like that hymn.

I enjoy Easter. It's right around my birthday and it's all about new dresses, shiny shoes, flowers and candy; what could be nicer? This year is my year with the girls, that combined with the fact that I am also sharing it with the love of my life and my mother and brother, it's a good day.

Life goes through ebbs and flows of good times and bad, happy and sad.

We all experience hard times in our lives and make sacrifices to set examples or because we're following our heart of what the right thing is to do. Easter is a great story example about following your heart, doing what you feel is right, standing up for what you believe in, and ultimately making a huge sacrifice for that belief.

Whatever sacrifices or hard times that we go through in our lives, we have a great opportunity to get through it and then "resurrect" from that difficulty. We posses the gift of being able to pick ourselves up and become better, more perfect people; able to look back at that difficulty and realize that we are better for it.

Yes, it's easier said than done at times, but the opportunity always exists in our hearts, our minds, our souls, and our lives. It's up to us to decide what we choose to do with it.

Happy Easter Day to all of my Blogging Friends. I heart all of you and wish you much love and reflection today. I hope that you are able to looks at the times in your lives that you have felt "crucified" and found the strength and the grace in yourself to "resurrect" from that situation. Or perhaps you have or will in the future find yourself in the position to be able to help someone else who has felt beaten, betrayed, and hung out to die. Perhaps you will be their faithful servant, much like the beloved friend of Jesus', Mary Magdalene, and you will stand by their side, loving them.

I wish you all love and Peace.

And chocolate bunnies, of course!

An open letter

2006-04-11T20:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Anyone Financially Dependent on Another Person:

DON'T DO IT.

Yes, you may have a "partnership." You may have an agreement about what is best for your family, you may think and talk about "sacrifices" and helping one or the other achieve individual sucess which will benefit both of you. You may think you have some security in that; even if something happens to dissolve your "partnership." (And believe me, ANYTHING could happen.)

Guess what?

You don't have shit.

Because as soon as money is involved; there is no such thing as keeping promises or "agreements." Even if those promises and agreements are legally binding, court ordered, or signed by a judge.

You could easily be fucked.

I was a Stay-At-Home-Mom for almost ten years. I know a lot of you out there are as well.
I certainly don't regret being there for my children when they were young, but I made a huge sacrifice.

What I DO regret is putting myself in a terribly vulnerable position being dependent on another person for the "greater good of our family," and giving up the best career building years of my life, to keep the home and raise the children, while someone else built their career.

I was a stupid, stupid woman, and if I could go back and do it over again; I would do things very, very differently. I would not lose my independence, I would not make those same sacrifices, and I certainly wouldn't trust my "partner" to look after my best interests and the interests of our family. I would look after MY best interest, just like he has, and continues to do so today.

For all of my friends who are SAHM's:
Be very, very, mindful of what I said. I know it flies off the tongue to say, "Oh, I'd take him to the cleaners..." well, girlfriends, that only works as long as he doesn't change his situation which will then change yours. You can't count on any of that, so don't lull yourself into a false sense of security thinking that you can. Just be mindful.

Before any of you fuckhead trolls even dare to comment some shit like, "Well, RSG, you chose to leave your relationship, blah, blah, blah fucking blah."
Save it.
And I'll just say "fuck off" before you even have a chance to say anything.

And so I end my open letter.

Warmest regards,

RSG

2006-04-04T17:37:00.000-07:00

There has never been a time in my life that I have ever been happier. As a matter of fact; I don't think I have every KNOWN happiness until this time in my life. Yes, I have things that I still need to work out and through in my life but I feel for the first time in a very long time completely capable of working out and through all of those things.

There are people in my life that feel that I have achieved happiness at the expense of others. I guess my question is. . . if I hadn't made some of the choices in my life that did indeed hurt other people, it would be at MY expense. Why do they think that their happiness is more important than mine? And were they really happy? Or was it just an illusion of a comfort zone or place that just seemed happy, because I know I WASN'T happy. How could they have been happy if I wasn't happy? Doesn't that seem a little fucked up?

Sometimes when you get away from a situation or feelings you're able to have perspective of just how not so good it was.

That's me right now.

Far away from everything and everyone who ever hurt me; surrounded by people who love and support, honor and cherish me every single fucking day.

I fail to see what is wrong with that.

Mexico pictures uploaded

2006-03-31T15:15:00.000-08:00

to my flickr account.

I need Kami to get off my ass, so I got the pictures off my camera and onto flickr; but that's as far as I got.

More blogging later.

Trying to adjust to non-vacation life.

It's not easy.

We come home tomorrow

2006-03-28T12:28:00.000-08:00

and generally at this point in any trip away from home, I would be ready and welcoming the fact that by tomorrow I would be sleeping in my own bed.

Not so much the case for this particular trip.

Perhaps it's the wind that blows in from the beautiful beach. The warm and welcoming hospitality from HG's parents, HM (Hottie Mama,) and HP (Hottie Papa.) Or perhaps it's the twelve hours of sleep that I've been getting every night, preceded by consuming large quantities of margaritas, shots of tequila, bloody marys, and Mexican beer.

Probably it's the well being of being with the one I love, walking hand in hand with her on the beach and through towns where I search for "Gucci" purses and trinkets to take home to the DD's. Without an agenda, without a schedule, and without any of the stresses that normally consume me in my role as a mother, housekeeper, cook, chauffer, volunteer, and glamorous waitress.

No, I am not ready to leave this place where HG and I have somehow managed to connect on an even deeper level. I thought we were already there; I wonder how much deeper it could possibly go. Every moment that passes, I am in awe of the amount of love and respect that she shows me; showering me with love and attention so effortlessly.

It's been amazing on so many levels. I am not ready to come home; but alas, I have no choice and I must return to my "ordinary" life. I will leave Mexico tomorrow, taking with me the contentment in my heart and the memories of such a wonderful and magical time along with the anticipation of returning here another time soon.

It's my birthday

2006-03-24T07:02:00.000-08:00

and HG and I are off to Mexico!!!

Happy Birthday to me,

Happy Birthday to Kristine!

Pretty puppies...

2006-03-21T08:36:00.000-08:00

The "girls" (Ginger and HG's dog, Abby,) went to the groomer yesterday.
Ginger needs to keep up with her sister, who has her own web page now.
You know that our girls will have theirs up before the end of the day.

Ginger is going to visit her sister for an extended play date, as HG and I are heading off to Mexico on Friday (MY BIRTHDAY!)

It's a "meet the parents" date. I'm meeting hers.
Oh, my.
Adios amigas!

Our government at it's finest

2006-03-16T18:44:00.000-08:00

I was watching Brian Williams on NBC and was compelled by a few of tonights news stories.

It seems as though I am $30,000.00 in debt.
So is DD#1,
and DD#2,
and DD#3,
and HG,
and you,
and your children,
and all of your neighbors.

I'm a little pissed off that I wasn't made aware of this fact before Brian informed me today. That's something I would have liked to have known, wouldn't you?

I know Kristine just paid off a whole bunch of shit over the summer with Hot Loan Guy. I bet she didn't even factor that 30 thousand into that.

Yeah, it seems that congress approved a bill for an additional $2.8 trillion in spending bringing our countries current deficite to $9 trillion dollars which translates into $30,000.00 worth of debt for every man, woman, and child in our country. ($92 billion of that $2.8 trillion will go to the war in Iraq.) Hmmm. That's a whole bunch of money.

The other tidbit of information that Brian Williams shared with me tonight was on the recovery effort in New Orleans. Seems a whole shit load of trailers were delivered to the people of New Orleans to live in.

Just in time for Hurrican season to start again.

I don't know about any of y'all, but that's the LAST place that I would want to be living in through another hurricane. (I'm sure that there is a PERFECTLY good explanation for the intelligence that went into THIS decision...)

The third bit of journalistic excellence that I was enlightened with today is that it seems that invading Iraq three years ago to look for weapons of mass destruction was just not fun enough for our administration. Now we're looking to invade Iran.
Yep, pre-emptive strike on Iran.
Great idea.
Brilliant.
Good plan.

I don't think I want to watch Brian Williams any more.

Stress with a purpose

2006-03-16T09:02:00.000-08:00

I don't do stress very well.
It makes me cranky.
It makes me snappy.
It give me irritable bowel.

Sometimes we bring stress on ourselves for the purpose of having something that we want or need. It's stressful to go on vacation, it's stressful to plan a dinner party, it's stressful to Christmas shop, it's stressful to buy a new house; but all of those things are stress with a purpose.

Stess with a purpose.

I don't do stress very well, but I feel okay doing this kind of stress, because for the first time I feel like I have a partner who is actually "partnerning" with me through it. I have stress with a purpose and a partner to go through it with.

In fifteen minutes I'm embarking on some stress with a purpose...
Wish us luck.

Tahoe Picture Time

2006-03-15T20:59:00.000-08:00

You can of course go to my flickr and see all of the pictures in their entirety, but here is a synopsis.

Waiting for the Heavenly Gondola.

HG waiting for the Heavenly Gondola.

Maiden ski voyage on the polka dots.

That's Lake Tahoe through the trees.

New friends who shared their home brew moonshine with us. It was yummy! We spent a lot of time at this outside Sky Bar. A lot of people wanted to buy us drinks!

After a few too many drinks... the elevation at the top of this mountain is 10K. That kind of altitude fucks with your drinking tolerance!

RSG on the chair lift.

HG on the chair lift.

A nice lesbian girl from Boston who showed us her ass. You gotta love nice (cute) lesbian girls from Boston.

Our new gay boy friends; Phil, Dennis, Charles, and Frank. They were a lot of fun and bought us dinner the next night at Harrahs before the Ru Paul show.

Ru Paul at the Hard Rock Cafe at Harveys in Tahoe.

Cute pic of RSG and HG.

RSG won $212.00 bucks playing roulette. At this bar we met some guys who were in Tahoe for a bachelor party. They were fun and bought me a lot of beer that I didn't need to drink...

It was a great time and it took me for fucking ever to upload all of these pictures, so I'll have to elaborate tomorrow. Missed you all!
Ciao.

Back from Tahoe!

2006-03-14T14:04:00.000-08:00

We had a great time, did not get caught in any avalanches (thanks for your concern...) and are trying to transition back into life. We stayed an extra day due to weather and traffic that prevented us from getting out of town and had a lovely last night.

I will post, and post pictures later tonight; I'm just jammed busy right now.

Can't wait to catch up with y'all!

It's my birthday...month...

2006-03-08T13:41:00.000-08:00

and I'm celebrating all month long.
Because I can.
So there.

Yes, on the 24th I will be celebrating my seventh annual 30th birthday, and I've never been happier. I'm sure my 37th year will be the best ever (hope I didn't just jinx it...) so far, 2006 is turning out pretty damn nice.

Speaking of pretty damn nice.
Looky what HG bought me for my birthday:

Yes, people they have POLKA-DOTS on them.

POLKA-DOTS, people.
Have you ever seen anything prettier in your whole entire lives? (Nope, I'm sure you have not.)

Why did she give me my birthday present early, you ask?
Why, because tomorrow morning we are going here.
To have fun and frolic for the weekend.

Fun and frolic.
In Tahoe.
Yesssirrii.

It is my birthday.
Afterall.
(I know, I know, I'm a spoiled princess; my mother already told me...)

Coming out to my kids

2006-03-02T12:26:00.000-08:00

I was asked by another RSG, how I came out to my kids.

I only recently came out to my kids, within the past month. First I came out to DD#1, as she is the oldest, and I felt it was time. Because HG and I are very openly affectionate with eachother around the children, I decided last week to mention it to the little girls.

It was completely painless and without issue. I had DD#1 come up to my room while I was up there and lay on my bed with me. I asked her how she would feel about my dating someone. She said she was fine. I told her that I wanted to date HG. She said that was fine, that she liked HG. I asked her if it was weird to her that I was dating a woman; she said no. I told her that some day, someone might have an issue with it. She said that she didn't know why, but that we would deal with that if it happened. I told her that I had been figuring things out for myself for the past year or so. I said that I figured she probably wasn't surprised about what I was telling her; she said she wasn't.

The little girls were a little easier, but similar with simpler language. I told them that I loved HG; they said they knew that and they did too. I told them that some day someone might say to them that it was weird that I was with a woman instead of a man; they said, "why?" I said, because not every woman is with another woman, so some people think it's different. I told them that we would deal with that if we ever needed to.

That was it.

Now. My advice to my fellow Recovering Straight Girls is this. If you have kids, they probably know a lot more than you think that you do. It's important to be honest with them to their maturity level.

Experts advise that if you are changing your sexual preference or seemingly orientation, (meaning you lived as a heterosexual and are now planning on living as a homosexual,) you should "come out" to your children PRIOR to their going through their own puberty and questioning or wondering about their own sexual identity and/or orientation. I have no idea why this is but I would imagine that it has something to do with the raging fucking hormones and ideals that pre-teens and teenagers posses.

I'm glad that I was able to come out to my children at the ages that they are. They are open and accepting and willing to go with the flow. I'm sure this is also a testament to the way that XH and I have raised them to be open and affirming and accepting to all people; and that they feel secure and loved in their family, albeit a divorced family.

The most important prevalent fact is that they ARE loved and secure and cared for and now they have another person in their life that loves and cares for them and provides them security and comfort. As long as children are growing in an environment like that; they are usually fine with the details.

My children are always my first priority.
I am living my life, but I always consider their safety and well being and growth. I am a better person and a better mother because I am living the way that I need to live and they reap those benefits. They are cared for by both of their parents and loved very much by both of us. I love the way that HG loves and cares for them and I hope that someday XH will find someone who will do the same.

Don't put it off too long; don't live in the closet to your children. They will love you no matter what, give them a little credit. I'm sure my good friend Pissy will have something to add to this, as well as others who's parents came out to them.

That's the end of Ask RSG. Keep sending your questions, I'll keep answering.
Ciao y'all.

Lame blogger

2006-02-28T23:02:00.000-08:00

I've been a lame blogger. Sorry about that. Tomorrow I'll post another Ask RSG topic, so if you have a burning question, be sure to leave a comment and I'll address it.

I want to take a moment to let all of you know just how much I heart you.
You are all the greatest people, and I love having you as a part of my cyber and real life.

I know I haven't been very forthright with information regarding my HG (yes, Nikki, it does stand for Hottie Girlfriend.) I wanted to be careful to TRY to protect feelings of certain people in my (past) life. I will tell you all that she is the greatest and I've never been happier in my entire life. She rocks my world every single day and continues to amaze and surprise me in how wonderful that she is. I'm a very lucky, blessed, and grateful woman.

Here's a nice photo of us,

All for now.
I'll return tomorrow night to answer some of your burning questions.

Happy Birthday LeLo!

2006-02-25T15:19:00.000-08:00

LeLo celebrated her 29th (ahem,) birthday last night. We did it in style in a box suite at the Rose Garden while watching the Portland Trailblazers (get beat by) the Boston Celtics. No, LeLo is not a huge basketball fan, but it was the NBA's first ever Fan Out night and a few GLBTQ organizations were there including Basic Rights Oregon and Pride NW. Besides, we had our own waiter who brought us beer, and this view,

HG and I had a super fun time.

My friend Darcy came and ran into a friend of hers from High School who is one of LeLo's gardening friends,

he also knows my LBCXG and went to college with The Captain.
Weird.
We sung Happy Birthday to LeLo,

and continued the party with Rigo who drove up from far away to help LeLo celebrate her big day.

Now keep in mind people, LeLo and I met through blogging, she met Rigo through blogging, Rigo is also friends with Blu who I know (and have met IRL,) from blogging.
Who would have thought.
The internet is a wonderful thing.

So everyone go over to LeLo's and wish her a great 29th (ahem,) year!

I got tagged

2006-02-24T16:37:00.000-08:00

I got tagged by Curly Girl. Curly Girl rocks and I heart her. I only wish she didn't live in cold Chicago and lived here so she and I could go to gay bars and drink martinis.

Usually I'm not good at responding to meme's, but today I have a little time on my hands as I got abandoned by my HG because she needed to do yardwork...(boo-hoo, I've been crying for hours and hours...)

So here it goes.

4 jobs I've had:
1. flight attendant
2. glamorous waitress
3. certified birth doula (go here if you don't know what this is)
4. restaurant manager

4 movies I can watch over and over:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. Shining Through
3. Working Girl
4. The Shawshank Redemption

4 places I've lived:
1. Danville, Pennsylvania
2. Alexandria, Virginia
3. Margate, Florida
4. Portland, Oregon

4 tv shows I love:
1. The L Word
2. Alias
3. Weeds
4. The Sopranos

4 places I've vacationed:
1. Key West, Florida
2. Acapulco, Mexico
3. Jamaica (several places)
4. Carribean cruise (western carribean)

4 of my favorite dishes (make that FOOD):
1. Beef Stroganoff (except that I don't eat beef anymore.)
2. Gnocci
3. Salmon
4. chocolate in any form

4 places I would rather be right now:
1. Here with my HG
2. There with my HG
3. Somewhere with my HG
4. Anywhere with my HG

I'm tagging Krista, Anna, and Patti-cake because they are all newer readers and I'm just evil that way.

Ask RSG

2006-02-23T17:11:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned, for my second year of blogging I wanted to focus on a few specific things. One of those being my experience as a recovering straight girl.

At least once a week, I receive an e-mail from a woman somewhere in cyberspace who lets me know that she is also an RSG, or thinks she might be. Usually she is struggling with some of her emotions about it, sometimes she has already moved towards recovery. But they're out there.
Lots of them.
Lots of women who are wondering about who they are.

So, I will share with those who may be interested (all four of you...) MY experience with being a recovering straight girl and the journey that has brought me to where I am today. I will begin with one of the most frequently asked questions that I get:

"How didn't you know that you were gay for all of that time?"

It's a great question and one I continue to ask myself quite often. I can tell you that there were plenty of markers along the road that I either ignored or accepted as perfectly rational heterosexual behavior and thinking. I am certain that a lot of seemingly straight women have similar thoughts and feelings and also dismiss them as not really meaning anything. Perhaps they do, perhaps they don't. I guess that's an individual determination to decide for that person what certain "markers" mean to them.

Most of my "markers" were emotional ones, although earlier ones were sexual as well. As an adolescent I was very sexual and discovered my body at an early age. I read a lot of books (adult ones) and some of them included lesbian sex. I remember being very stimulated from reading about it but always dismissed it because I never even considered that maybe I was a lesbian as well.

Emotionally, I was always VERY (and I mean very,) wrapped up in my friends and wanted to always be with them. They meant the absolute world to me and I forged very deep meaningful emotionally connected relationships with my friends. In high school I would spend practically every night with my best friend, we slept together, showered together, did everything together (except have sex...) This kind of emotional attachment to women carried through my adult life right up to my falling in love with my best friend, (my LBCXG.) I even believe that part of my work with birth and as a doula was satisfying a deep emotional need for intimacy with women.

It's no secret that I have a thing for Gwen Stefani. I used to write in my journal about her, I could hear the pain in the music that she wrote, and I dreamt of having her in my life and loving her in the way that she deserved to be loved. Yes people, I did this as an adult!!!
On one of my birthdays (33, I think,) my XH had a party for me. No Doubt was playing in Portland that night and I announced to everyone at my party (after a few martinis) that the only thing that would make my evening better would be if Gwen Stefani pulled up and asked me to run away with her.
Everyone laughed.
I guess I was serious.

About thirteen years ago after drinking a lot of beer, I told one of my friends (who shall remain nameless,) that I was interested in experimenting with being with a girl. She shot me down and said it would "ruin our friendship..." That may have saved me then, and I now blame her for 12 years of bad sex!

I was extremely turned on by that scene in Basic Instinct where Sharon Stone is dancing with her girlfriend at a nightclub. Her girlfriend is dancing behind her, rubbing up against her.
God, I loved that scene.
I remembered that scene the first time I went dancing at a lesbian bar. I felt so exhilarated, like I had a small dream come true.

Porn movies.
I always LOVED, and I mean LOVED the scenes of girls together. There was one particular movie and I don't remember who made it but it was all girls, very sensual, very non-porn like, very beautiful scenery and beautiful women with beautiful lingerie.
XH found it boring and didn't want to watch it.
I would have watched it over and over again.

I saw KD Lang in concert and thought it was the best concert I had ever been too. Yes, I was wearing a bow in my hair and was a little afraid of all of the lesbians (shut up Woos,) but when I was pregnant with DD#3, I wanted to name her KD, like KD Lang.

One of the things that I asked myself while I was wondering was, "If I could have sex with no strings attached, no one would know, with either a really hot girl or a really hot guy, which one would it be?" I always answered, the girl. I always knew I would never, ever, ever cheat on my husband with a guy. I did cheat on him with a girl. I suppose that may just make me a bad person, but it was very telling about what I needed.

Finally, I just never, ever felt safe in any relationship that I ever had with a man, (and there were quite a few...)
I didn't realize how unsafe I had felt until I had an intimate experience with a woman.
Then it all became clear to me like a lightbulb went off for me and I was able to see EVERYTHING for the first time in my life.

It just all felt right, like all of my life I was missing something and didn't know what it was. Kind of like you feel like you're forgetting something, but can't put your finger quite on what it is that you're missing.
I was missing being gay, and didn't even know it.

In some ways, I regret not having figured it out before. I can't even imagine how much more fun I would have had in my younger years if I had been sleeping with girls instead of boys!

But I know that all things come into fruition in their own time, and I can't question why my life unfolded the way that it did, I can only be grateful that it did indeed unfold for me and I was willing and open to those possibilities as they presented themselves to me.

Especially now.
I feel as though everything in my life, every hard thing, every difficult relationship, every moment of sadness and suckiness has prepared me for this time in my life, right now.
This time in my life that I have never, ever known this kind of happiness and joy.
I've never been more grateful and appreciative.
Ever.

So the markers were there, but obviously I had other experiences that I needed to live through in order to "know" who I was.
And now I know.

My advice to any woman out there who is questioning is this:
Don't be afraid, just go with it.
If you're in a situation that you can experiment without hurting anyone (ie, you're not in a committed relationship with someone,) you should do that.
If you aren't in a situation that you can experiment, you should really try to search yourself and ask yourself what your feelings mean to you. If they are so super strong that you need to figure it out, you should communicate that with your partner (if you can,) and search that part of you.
You won't regret figuring it out; no matter what the answer is.

This ends the first installment of Ask RSG.
If you have a question, e-mail me and I'll address it.
Ciao y'all.

***RSG's afterthought:
I failed to mention the erotic sexual dreams that I would have where I was having sex with women. Now, in the dreams, I was a man, but I now believe that it was just my form of reference at the time.

Presidents Day Ski Trip

2006-02-21T16:10:00.000-08:00

So I mentioned that XH is out of town for TWO WEEKS, leaving me with our evil spawn, I mean, leaving me with our adorable darling daughters for some quality time.
HG and I decided to take them skiing.
After their asking six times if we were "there" yet, we arrived...

Got them signed up for ski school...

And they were off.

We had to kill a couple of hours before their lesson, so I sent HG off to snowboard while I attempted to instruct them on how to ski. Now, be mindful that I am NOT that kind of mother; the kind who is patient and carefully explains exactly what to do (over and over and over and over again.) I'm more of the type of mother who wants to say "Are you stupid or something????" (Of course, I never say this, I just think it LOUDLY...)
But I did pretty damn good if I do say so myself, telling them over and over again HOW to get up when you fall and helping DD#3 get on the rope tow for the fifth time after she biffed it. But she DID get it, and here is the proof...

Look at that form!
While they were in their lesson, HG and I had a lovely time.
Unfortunately I hit a wee bit of ice (huge ass iceberg...) and fell a little bit (Olympic syle crash...)
A nice boy got my ski for me, which was a little (50 yards...) out of my way and commented on how impressive my slide was, (yes, he watched me fall from the chair lift.) He handed me my ski and said, "That looked like it hurt." I didn't know if it hurt or not, because I was still trying to figure out how the hell I didn't break anything.
I recovered quickly (the beer we had helped...) and retrieved the girls from their lesson. DD#1 wanted to go on the lift and try the big hill, so I took her up...

It started snowing...

(that's snow on my face, not snot...)
She did a fabulous job and skiied like a rock star. When we got to the bottom, the little girls wanted to try too. HG took DD#3, but didn't realize that she was a little short to just ski off of the lift. Luckily HG figured it out and had her jump off. The little girls were a little slower and DD#3 got a little scared but they fared quite well.

By the time we were leaving, the pain in my elbow and my thigh where I fell was starting to make it's presence known. I got home, took some drugs and proceeded to drink three martinis while HG iced me. The martinis helped, the ice was cold.
Today, I felt like a truck ran me over, (sidenote: people always say this like they actually KNOW what it feels like to be run over by a truck when I doubt that anyone really ever survives being run over by a truck...)
Here is the result of my almost 37 year old body hitting ice on a black diamond...

Nice, huh?

All is all, it was a GREAT time (minus my broken elbow, thigh and ass...) and now I get to whine and complain while my hottie girlfriend tends to my injuries.
I think I can handle that.

Saturday with the kids

2006-02-18T15:23:00.000-08:00

XH is away for two weekends in a row. I don't know if I'll survive that much quality time with my dd's, but we are certainly off to a great start. (I know you couldn't hear the sarcasm in my voice there, so I'll just note it here...)

Our morning began with an 8:00 AM basketball game. Yes people, 8:00 AM.
DD#1's team got crushed, but I did have a new starbucks flavor; marble mocha machiatto. It was swell.

After a very argumentative breakfast at Elmer's; I came home to have a short nap and then it was time to clean out THE BEDROOM of dd#2 and 3. I made them be brutal in their cleaning and they managed to get rid of this much stuff...

SHE'S leaving too!!! WOO-HOO!

I don't want to move this shit if I'm ever inclined to buy a new house.

DD#2 was THRILLED to be cleaning her room...

Now I get to go to my glamorous waitressing job and deliver all of the Girl Scout cookies that the above mentioned offspring of mine sold, (well, actually I sold them, she just gets credit for it.)
This is what I get to take to work today:

This is the order of cookies that I ordered for MYSELF, (minus the two boxes I've already eaten.)

Yes I will soon be filling out those size four pants.
Very soon.

So, that's the fun on the RSG homefront.
Actually there will be a lot less fun (adult fun anyway,) than usual this weekend, and of course no strip clubs. This will give me time to ponder the feminist rantings of a certain screaming righteous feminist who disagrees with our (HG and my) fraternization of such establishments.

Hope y'all have a fabulous weekend!
(Go eat some Thin Mints so you can gain weight along with me...)

2006-02-17T00:02:00.000-08:00

Yes bloggers, don't faint; RSG is participating in SPF...
This weeks assignment "in all your glory" meaning no cleaning anything up. No problem, I can't be bothered...

My Pots and Pans

I love red and they match my house which is always a good thing.

My Stereo

don't have one. I just burn all of my CD's onto my computer and play through it and my speakers. That way I can shuffle through every Indigo Girls song ever made if I feel like it.

Under My Bed

I totally did not stage this; I actually keep this book under my bed and whip it out if I'm curious about something...I keep it under the bed because it's not really appropriate coffee table material with three children around.

That's it folks, can't wait to see your stuff.

The only thing straight about me

2006-02-16T16:13:00.000-08:00

is my hair presently.

Shelly, from Pack of 2 decided to Chi my hair when I stopped over at her house today. The picture of me royally sucks because I did not shower or put on any kind of make-up (including lipstick,) as I was meeting with the tax lady and I just didn't feel like it. Whatever you do, don't tell Kami that I went out like that, (she being the DIVA and all...)

Look at how fat my face looks.

Changes that change my waistline...

2006-02-16T14:25:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I've been through some changes as of late.
They started during the holidays, I got through them and then made my very strict New Years Resolutions which were to:

1. Start smoking regularly
2. Drink more alcohol and
3. Eat higher fat foods

Sounds easy enough, doesn't it?
Yes, 2006 was going to be the year for me; I was not going to set myself up for disapointment, I would SUCCEED at my reslolutions.

So what did I do? Well I got sick with the flu (thanks W,) and couldn't drink OR smoke (loser,) and didn't feel like eating. Had some difficult emotional issues which made me not feel like eating, and then a while later, I fell in love.

Do you know what happens when you fall in love?
You stop eating.

For two weeks I did not eat, and as a result my size 4 jeans and pants were falling off of me. I had to pull my belt tight on my work pants to keep them from showing my underwear.
I refuse to buy size 2 pants (based on the principle that no one should be a size two, period,) and figured I would start eating again someday.

Well that day came sometime last week and now I can't STOP eating.
Soon I'm going to be as big as a house and then I'll be depressed because I'm so damn fat.
I've been eating non-stop and NOT healthy food, no way.
Cookies, candy, and cheesecake. Yes, cheesecake that I baked my own self just because I wanted to EAT it.

I'm not really sure what the moral of this story is except to say that no one should ever take any kind of dieting advice from me.

Celebrating a year of blogging...

2006-02-15T09:07:00.000-08:00

February 12, 2005 was my first blog post. It's amazing to me to look back at those earlier posts and read about what was going on in my life and how difficult it all was. Back then, no one read my blog, and I didn't care that they didn't. I was just trying something to help myself break through the pain and desparity that was my life.

Through this year, I have grown and changed, and my blogging has grown and changed as well. Sometimes I forget who I'm writing for and try to be witty and funny like LeLo, or eloquent like Kristine, or entertaining like Kami and Pissy, or incredibly creative and fabulous like Jessica, (not to mention how fucking sexy she is...) Sometimes I forget who I'm writing for, but I always try to come back to me.

Everyone has their own style, and I don't really know what my style is, except to say that it's just the honest and sometimes raw feelings and thoughts of RSG. I may not always be politically correct; (yes, I like Eminem and Howard Stern, get over it people.) And truly, a lot of people extremely disagree with the choices that I've made by changing my life; but I am living my life, honestly and truthfully for the first time ever.

A lot has happened during this past year and I won't reflect too closely on it except to say that it's come full circle and I am happy that those hard times are now behind me. I always knew that they would be someday, but when you're in it, it's so hard to see...so hard.

I always knew someday I would be standing here, looking back and remembering. Because of blogging, I have a permament record of that misery; I can remember it well.
The pain, the illness, the debilitating depression, the uncertainty, the fear.
The joy, the love, the loss, the excitement of new things.

I lost both of my dogs and two of my grandparents this past year.
I was very sick at times, I started a job for the first time in eight years, made new friends, went on four trips, arrived, became. I flew to fucking California to spend the weekend with STRANGERS! It turned out to be one of the very best weekends of my entire life; one that gave me some of the best friends that I'll ever know.

And here I am.
A year later, surrounded by all of you, every day who stop by here to see what's going on in my corner of the world. YOU all are the greatest friends, I know that may sound weird to anyone who doesn't get it; but you are. You have shared your lives with me, your love, your loss, your pregnancies, your deaths, your joy, your depression, your frustrations, your sex tips... We share so much of ourselves here in blogging land and it really rocks.

So what does the next year bring for me?

Well as far as blogging goes, I would like to do some focusing on Recovering Straight Girl issues for the other Recovering Straight Girls out there (there are a FEW of us you know...) I'm going to pick a day to be RSG tip day and address something that I have discovered, learned, decided, realized about being an RSG and coming out at a later time in life.

I would also like to do a little segment (another blog attached to this one,) on Portland area strip clubs. We have more strip clubs per capita than any other US city (and more lesbians per capita as well...) I think it should be my duty in this next year to try to check out every one of them, do a little review, let people know which ones are the ones to frequent if you were so inclined. I happen to adore strip clubs as of late, and find them highly entertaining. I'm going to be very busy...

Personally, I plan on continuing to raise my girls the best way that I can (now minus a lot of heartache and drama that has been a part of their lives this past year,) be a loving daughter and sister, and work on my career ideas which include several possibilities and opportunities. I plan on having a LOT of fun (hence, the strip club project,) and finally; I plan on loving my new girlfriend the best way that I can, every single day.

I hope you will all join me on the journey; I'd love to have you along.
Here's to another year of blogging!

PS: I had to recover this post TWICE. I do not heart Blogger right now, and Typepad is looking really fucking good.

Happy Valentines Day

2006-02-14T20:15:00.000-08:00

Love is in the air, love makes the world go round, love lifts us up where we belong...

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Everyday I love you more and more

Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change winter to spring
But I'll love you until the end of time

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you

And there's no mountain too high no river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide
But I'll love you until the end of time

Love is a many splendid thing, and all we need is love...
Pictures of love were flashed before my eyes but one day the real thing was given to me by you.

I wish to you all, all the love in the world.

The bus ride home

2006-02-12T12:47:00.000-08:00

Nana passed away on Friday evening.
It was peaceful and she was okay; there was nothing really else that could be done that would offer her any kind of quality of life.
I'm glad that it was this way instead of the alternative.

I recently wrote about my feelings about death and my very deep faith that we are all here on earth as one aspect of our existence. Having that faith and belief structure allows me to be okay with Nana's transition into the next realm where she joins others who she loved in her life.

Her parents and brothers, her husband, and her grandson, (my cousin, Toma.)
I know they welcomed her home.

When my cousin died suddenly in a freak avalanche accident six years ago (almost exactly...) I dreamt of him.
In my dream he was dressed in a hospital gown type garment and everyone was around him, crying. All of the people that loved him and were grieving were standing around and we were all waiting for something or someone to arrive. Toma was walking around talking to people, he was smiling and laughing. He was confused as to why everyone was so sad. He kept looking at us all, with a puzzled expression, smiling and saying, "Why are you so sad?" He went on to say, "I may be leaving, but when we see eachother again, it will be forever."

A little while later a bus pulled up.
It appeared and Toma boarded it.
It was taking him on his next journey.
To forever, I guess.

Nana had a long life of 83 years.
She had three children, seven grandchildren and six great grandchildren.
She was married to my Pap for over 50 years and he loved and adored her.
She loved musicals, beaches, traveling, sewing, and making stained glass.
She collected china and bells and lots of interesting little knick knacks from her travels all over.
She and my Pap were once on the Guy Lombardo New Years Eve Show.
I remember watching them dance on a black and white television screen. Guy Lombardo died the next year I believe.
Nana loved her "stories," and was very interested in everything that Danny and Cricket and the rest of them did every day.
She loved ice cream, and fell asleep in her chair all of the time.
She always set a beautiful table and everything had to be just-so. (I learned that from her...)
She called me Honeybunch.

When I was a little girl, I would visit my grandparents. I would bring all six of my "kids" (dolls, that I loved and went everywhere with me.) I would sleep in the big antique sleigh bed covered in quilts that my GG (great-grandmother) made. I loved the way her house smelled and looked and felt. Everything was always pretty and nice with a million beautiful things to look at. She had so many books and photo albums and record albums that would entertain me for hours.
She also had cable and I watched MTV for the first time at her house.

They lived in New Jersey near a big lake. My grandfather had a boat named Pargie and we would go out in the boat for a picnic. During the days, Nana would take me to the lake to swim at the beach. I would go down the slide and she would help me with my breaststroke or butterfly. She always wore a swim cap and a bathing suit with a skirt!

They would take me to NYC for plays and movies and dinner. I remember seeing The Christmas Spectacular with the Rockets. I remember those trips into the city, in my grandparents big car seeing the New York City skyline coming into view for the first time; the twin towers and the empire state building. We went to the Bronx zoo and I have a picture holding a snake. We went a lot of places, and they loved me very much.

She was a good Nana to me, and I will miss her very much.
I am so very grateful for the wonderful memories that I have of her and what she taught me through the years of my life. They are lessons that I will pass on to my own grandchildren someday and they will pass on to theirs. She learned and taught the lessons that she needed to learn and teach, and now she has boarded the bus to the next chapter of her existence.

I wish her a lovely journey.

Ginger's fine

2006-02-10T07:42:00.000-08:00

She survived the surgery, but she is NOT happy with us right now.
Poor baby, she's in pain.
Luckily she has drugs which seem to help a little.

Did I mention she is NOT happy?

It's morning again

2006-02-09T07:38:00.000-08:00

and they're fighting.
Again.

"Those are MINE"
"You're so STUPID!"

I was an only child and being an only child I have no idea how to deal with this sibling rivalry stuff. Yes, I read the damn book. I have read so many parenting books, I should have a blog about parenting books. Books only tell half of the story, and most of the time it's all good in theory...

I would have LOVED to have had a sister when I was a child; someone to share secrets with, play with, hang out with, deal with our crazy parents with.
Instead I had a dog, although she certainly had her positive points.

Why is it that my children don't see the sacrifice that I've made to give them someone to have a forever friend with?
Geez, ungrateful little demons.

Ginger's going "under the knife" this morning.
No more humping.
Thank god.

Hope y'alls morning was better than mine; although I have a feeling my day must be moving towards looking up.

Why is it

2006-02-08T07:24:00.000-08:00

That every fucking morning my children need to fucking scream their lungs out at each other.
I'm so over it.

My sweet dog has raging hormones.
She's trying to hump my leg.
Ewwww.

On a lighter note

2006-02-07T19:48:00.000-08:00

Okay, no scripture quoting today.
I was uploading pictures off of my camera and thought I would do a little photo blogging.

Saw the Indigo Girls a couple of weeks ago, here are my friends L and C from my glamorous waitressing job...

They are the coolest. We had a fab time; went to dinner first and then saw an awesome show that was a fundraiser for Habitat for Humanity.

Superbowl Sunday; Steelers kicked some ass and RSG won $28.00 big ones. $20.00 from my lil bro, the rest from the pool...

The Terrible Towel did it's work!

My little girl got her first grooming on Sunday...
BEFORE

AFTER

She has been obsessed with her "private parts" ever since the grooming.
Well, I realized that she is obsessed because she is starting doggy puberty and going into heat. Damn, I thought I had a couple of months.
So the bad news for Ginger is that she goes under the knife on Thursday for her spaying.
Poor baby.
She is so cute, I'll let you all know how it goes.

That's it blogging friends.
Maybe something deeper another day.
Ciao.

Preparing a place

2006-02-03T08:07:00.000-08:00

"I go before you to prepare a place for you; my fathers house has many mansions."

This is one of my favorite lines from the bible. Jesus said this to his disciples when he was explaining to them that he was going to die soon. I probably should look up the scripture, but I just can't be bothered, you'll just have to trust me.

The word "mansions" translated through the Greek more accurately means "dimensions." That expands that phrase just a bit, don't you think? I usually equate this scripture when I think about death and people passing through to their next realm of existence. That there are many different places of being, and this life that we are living is just one of them, we never really die, we just move to a different spot (0r "dimension" if you will...)

Lately, this scripture has been popping in my head, giving me a different perspective.

Jesus was preparing a place for his disciples, but he was also preparing a place for himself in his new existence. We all experience deaths (changes,) in our lives, either in the physical sense or in an emotional sense all of the time. We are constantly resurrecting ourselves and beginning again. Because this is my blog and it's all about ME, I was thinking about some of those deaths (changes,) that I have been experiencing and what it means to me.

Perhaps the changes in my life that I have been through have only existed to prepare me to be in a different place within myself and my life. Perhaps the "deaths" that I have experienced are a necessity in order for me to fine my place in my own sort of "heaven."**

Jesus knew that he needed to die and leave this human experience, and he knew what was waiting for him on the other side of that; a new and different, peaceful room. He trusted that knowledge, (had faith,) and was able to go through the hard times knowing that there was a good reason for them.

I feel that way too.
My "deaths" have been lessons for me to learn, and those lessons are going to prepare me for a different place.

I had my runes read last year.
The runes said that I was in a season of waiting,
the seeds were planted but I needed to wait it out.
I think I've waited.
I'm ready for the seeds to grow.
Maybe that's why we've been having all of this damn rain...

**For the record, I don't believe in an actual Heaven or Hell; I do believe that we carry our conscienceness with us wherever we go, in whatever dimension we're in.

Rain, rain, go away.

2006-02-02T16:01:00.000-08:00

Okay people, I know that this is Portland, and I know that it rains from time to time around here, but MY GOD, it won't stop!

Rain, every day.
For fucking ever.
Like 51 days in a row.

Ahhhhh. Makes me want to just stay in bed all day.

As always,

2006-02-01T08:15:00.000-08:00

you guys rock.

Thank you for your support and love and concern.
I'm okay, I really am.

It's amazing to me how putting some time and distance between yourself and a situation allows so much clarity and understanding. I've understood a lot of things about myself and about my relationship during these past six weeks or so, and even before. I've known for a long time, and it just took a few specific events to understand that what I had and what I wanted were on opposite ends of the spectrum.

If you have been a reader of my blog then you are well aware of the dynamics of that relationship and how those dynamics have been viciously cycling for over a year.
Over a year is too long and I couldn't do it anymore.
I know that she probably feels that I should have waited longer,
but it was over a year.
Over a year of my life that I spent upset and stressed and sad and unsafe and sometimes paralyzed over fifty percent of the time.
A year that I can never get back.

Was it all bad? Am I saying it was all terrible?
Of course not.
But I was not happy, and truthfully neither was she; because she was unable to move on, and without moving on, you're just not going anywhere.
I wanted to go somewhere.
And I'm going to go somewhere now.
Forward.

I loved her very much and all of those feelings and connections were real and valid and true.
It had nothing to do with how we felt about eachother.
It was the inability to do anything ELSE with our togetherness than to just feel that way.

All of this time, it was my opinion, and my thoughts that what she really wanted was to have her "relationship" with The Captain, and her "connection" with me. Unfortunately, that scenario just doesn't work in my and The Captains life.
Because of her inability to let go of that desire to walk in those two worlds, it put just a wee bit of strain on our ability to move into any other kind of relationship.

I'm eternally grateful for her support and love and for showing me a kind of love that I didn't know existed. Her love and our relationship changed who I am, and who I will be in the future, by allowing me to experience true love. Now, I'll be able to recognize it again if it happens to come my way.

The negative lesson I learned was realizing that I really am deserving of having someone truly and completely love me and want to be with me; I'll never sell myself short of that again. I'll never put up with waiting for someone, I'll never allow myself or my relationship to be disrespected, and I'll never allow myself to be second to anyone, ever.

I spent way too many years in relationships with people not being happy. I'm so over and done with that. Maybe it's bad, but I absolutely won't put up with it anymore, I'd rather be alone than to be with someone who makes me feel bad.

That's it.
I can already smell the negative comments and the hate mail. (I'm a narcissist, I don't care about anyone but myself, I'm heartless, I'm a bitch...)
Bring it on I guess, that's why I waited to talk about this until I processed it to a place where I felt okay about everything that had happened.

To the other 99% of you, I heart you bitches (that includes Gregg and Hippo too...)
Ciao.

A little explanation

2006-01-31T07:46:00.000-08:00

Blogging for me began as a form of therapy.
It turned into more of a hobby and entertainment.
I enjoy sharing my life and I have made a tremendous amount of friends in this arena.

But I know there are those of you who read, because you know, or have known me IRL, and you're interested in what's going on with me. That's okay too, because I know who the hell you are...(you know, when you move temporarily, your IP address changes and states your new location.)

Let's just say that I've had a few things going on in my life that I wasn't ready to share, but without sharing them, I can't blog, because I blog about what's going on in my life.

I don't want to assume that everyone who reads my blog gives a rats ass about what I'm doing, perhaps you just read because my life is more fucked up than yours and therefore entertaining.

I'll just put it out there and be done with it. I don't want to discuss it any further but I want to be able to get back to my therapeutic entertaining hobby. Okay?

LBCG and I broke up several weeks ago, at Christmas to be exact.
It was something that had been happening for a long time and it was time for that relationship, as it was, to be over. I would have liked to have continued to support her and help her through things as a friend, but that doesn't seem to be an option. She has a lot of her own things that she needs to work through and those things had been destroying me for a long time. I was not happy where I was and finally made a decision to take care of myself. It was very difficult but I was no longer able to be in the dynamics of the vortex of that relationship.

I've been spending a lot of time reflecting and working things out for myself.
I'm fine and good, and it's okay.
I hope that she is fine and good too, and I'm sorry if she is hurting or sad.
But I needed to move on.

So let's move on, shall we?

Been busy...

2006-01-28T23:16:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't posted in a while; stop with the threats and the hate mail people.

I've been very busy taking some time for myself, figuring things out, trying new things and today I did a lot of shopping. (Had to go to three stores to find what I was looking for...who knew the color pink was so hard to find...)

Love to you all blogging friends, I promise I'll get back next week.

Ciao y'all.

Instructions For Life

2006-01-24T16:08:00.000-08:00

I didn't write this, it was hanging up in the break area of my glamorous waitressing job and I felt compelled to share it with all of you...

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risks.
When you lose; don't lose the lesson.
Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for others, and Responsibility for all your actions.
Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Spend some time alone every day.
Open arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
Share you knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
Be gentle with the earth.
Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for eath other.
Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Good things to think about...

Ginger graduates

2006-01-23T22:15:00.000-08:00

Ginger graduated from puppy class tonight!
Oh, she made us so proud.

She did her little test with the teacher and passed with flying colors.

She said her goodbyes to her friend Bailey

And had a photo op with her graduation cap.
She's such a good girl.

In other news. I went a little crazy on Saturday and decided I hated my hair. So I started cutting it and ended up with short hair.

It actually looks shorter than it does in this picture, (dd#1 took this with the BAMF.) It looks okay, but I can tell when I wash it that it is very uneven. I'll have to take care of that.

Nana is still doing well. My Mom is coming home in a couple of days and I am very glad that I will have the opportunity to at least let Nana know that I heart her and that I didn't grow any horns just because I like pussy now. I probably won't word it quite like that though.

I feel better and I had a great day today. Very relaxing, very fulfilling, and the sun was shining for the first time in ages. That's all good stuff.

Ciao y'all.

Nana Update

2006-01-23T08:53:00.001-08:00

Thank you all for your very, very kind thoughts and loving wishes to me and my Nana.
I hope it's okay that I don't respond individually to all of you; I think you know how much I appreciate your support and friendship.

As of last night, she was improving a little. The doctors were keeping her sedated as she was very confused and trying to pull out her IV's. Finally she was beginning to be a bit responsive and was even able to gesture Yes and No. They've decreased her sedation and today is the day that they will take her off the ventilator.

The ventilator is not a long-term solution and heroic measures are not going to be used; so if she can't breathe on her own, she will not be re-intibated.

If she does breathe on her own, then she has a good chance of pulling through this, albeit a long road to recovery. That will bring up other issues I am sure, but perhaps it will be an opportunity for her as well.

I know that I will be sure to let her know how much she means to me and that she is a terrific Nana. Perhaps I will re-think addressing the gay thing with her. Not so much to address it, but to address why I didn't think it was important to address it. If I have the opportunity, I will, otherwise I know in my heart that it's okay.

I'll let you all know how it goes...you all rock so much!

UPDATED UPDATE: She's off the ventilator and doing pretty well. My Mom talked to my uncle who said that HE didn't tell dumb ass cousin Joe. Well, I don't think that he knew all on his own, so I don't know who's lying here. My mom is going to investigate more...

My Nana

2006-01-21T13:26:00.000-08:00

(This picture was taken the last time I saw her in August, 2005. With my brother...)

My Nana is probably dying. She is in CCU in a hospital in Pittsburgh and had to be put on a ventilator because she couldn't breathe. She got sick with pneumonia, got better, and then worse. She also has a strep/staff infection and septicitis (I don't know how to spell that...)

Her heart is not doing well and neither are her kidneys and it seems as though everything is kind of just starting the failing process.

She suffers from emphysema (from smoking and living with a three-pack-a-day smoker.) She quit in 1987 but I don't think you can do that kind of damage for that many years and reverse it by quitting.

This is by no means unexpected. She gets sick every year and needs to be hospitalized. We always know that it is inevitable. It is probably just time, and I accept that, and hope that she is okay with it too.

I just returned from putting my mom on a plane to go out there. They will decide when she gets there what to do next. I really hope my mom will be okay.

My Nan and I have unfinished business; which is making this very difficult.

Last month, my asshole cousin Joe

Told my grandmother that I was gay.
That I was trying to "hide" it from her, and that was why I left my XH.
Completely upset her.
Not because I'm gay, but because she felt that everyone in the family was keeping secrets from her.

Well I NEVER spoke to Asshole Joe about any of it, nor to my other boy cousins, nor to his parents, (my aunt and uncle,) because it's none of their fucking business who I am or am not having sex with. I certainly didn't feel that it was necessary to discuss it with my 83 year old grandmother. I mean, come on, how many of you call up your grandmother and say, "Hey granny, I got me a piece of ass last night?" Please, it's completely inappropriate and not okay.

I decided not to talk to her about it because I didn't want to put energy into a place that didn't substantiate it. I thought it would blow over and if she wanted to talk to me about my sex life, I would probably tell her that I wasn't comfortable discussing it with her.

Well now, it seems that I won't have the chance to let it blow over.
And my grandmothers last memories of me will be that I was keeping secrets from her and lying to her; which was not the case at all.

I am perplexed beyond belief WHY my asshole cousine Joe would even think that it was remotely okay to purposely go out of his way to upset our grandmother by passing on to her fourth hand information. The only reason that he knew what he did was because my uncle (his father) was Hell bent that he was going to fly out here to Portland and talk to XH and I and SAVE our marriage. After being exasperated by his insistence, my mother finally said, "Listen, it's no use, Kathryn is a lesbian." I guess he then felt it was necessary to confide in his evil spawn. Asshole. Huge asshole.

When I was leaving XH, I called my grandmother and explained that I wasn't happy and that I was going to leave XH. She supported my decision and said that it was okay. I told her their were many reasons I was leaving, and that many of them were private. She said she respected that.

Now, that's all changed.
And I'm so not pleased about it.
Pissed.
And sad too.
Mostly sad.

Send her good energy bloggers. Her name is Margery Kathryn.

Mini-arsonists and door-to-door salesmen

2006-01-19T09:25:00.000-08:00

As I've mentioned, I live in the land of tupperware and mini-vans, in a place that is somewhere between Pleasantville and Stepford. Not a LOT goes on here in the very, scary suburbs, so when my children's school practically burns down due to arsonists, it's a big deal.

Okay, well maybe it didn't practically burn down, but it was a big deal just the same, (if you're seven...)

Some kids decided to light toilet paper on fire in the girls bathroom yesterday at DD's school. The fire alarm went off, the school was evacuated and the POLICE came to investigate. They searched children for lighters and matches and patrolled the bathrooms. Very exciting stuff! I'm surprised they didn't do a mandatory lock-down and call us to come get our little juvenile delinquents.

First thing I asked DD#2 (the alien-abducted one,) was "Did YOU do it?" (I'm sure that girl is destined for a life of crime, so I thought I may as well know what I'm dealing with right from the onset.) But alas, it was not one of my little hedons; whew...dodged a bullet this time. Can you imagine what people would have said if it HAD been DD#2?

"Oh, that's the kid who's MOTHER IS A LESBIAN, tsk, tsk, I saw that coming from a mile away!"
"If it wasn't for her MOTHER BEING A LESBIAN, that child would be normal."
"You know, children need traditional family values, or they become arsonists!"

Would have been good material for them anyway. Oh well, maybe next time.

After the daughters came home from their traumatic day at school, we were busily doing the things that we do every afternoon, homework, chores, practicing piano, watching TiVo'd episodes of Dancing with the Stars. We were peacefully enjoying ourselves when someone knocked at the door.

Remember blogging friends, I have very few friends IRL, so practically NO ONE ever knocks on my door which led me to believe only one thing; door-to-door salesperson.
Now granted I have a very tastefully framed sign in my doorway that states:

NO SOLICITING

Unless you are a child under the age of eighteen
doing a school fundraiser,
selling cookies, candy, or collecting cans.

Then by all means, solicit away.

I also have all of the religion that I can handle right now!

I'm nice about it, polite, because I'm a polite kind of girl. Wouldn't you think that people would have the politeness to abide by my wishes? You would think so, but the truth is that they do NOT. Either that, or they can't read, who really knows.

All I know is that weekly I have to tell the Kirby vacuum people that I don't need a vacuum because I have all hardwood floors, then I have to gesture behind me and SHOW them that I have hardwood floors. They don't care. They would still like me to spend six thousand dollars on a vacuum cleaner that I DO NOT NEED!

Yesterday the door-to-door salesman wanted to tell me about the program that he is in to give "inner-city youth without opportunities an opportunity to better themselves through job training, yada, yada, yada." He said he was from North Portland and that he has a two month old baby to support and that is why he is out here trying to better himself to give himself and his family a better life.

All I had to do to help him is buy a magazine subscription at a discounted price which will give him points and a 50% commission on the purchasing price.

Now I SAW that 20/20 Primetime Newsweek Special about the door-to-door magazine subscription racket and what a racket it truly is. I called him on this and he said that he didn't know anything about THAT, but HIS program was a LOCAL program to help local underprivileged people.

Fine, give me the damn magazine list.

I look at the list, pick out National Geographic For Kids, and fill out the damn form. It is only when I look at the payment coupon that I see I am being charged $54.00 for TEN issues of the magazine. Yes, blogging friends, FIFTY-FOUR DOLLARS! I said, "This isn't what it COST, is it?" He said yes it did, but their magazines are discounted and the price reflects the discount plus a $10.00 handling fee.

Huh.

I asked him what it would cost for me to subscribe to this magazine directly through National Geographic and he said that he didn't know, but really, it wasn't about the magazine, it was about investing in HIM.

I don't even know HIM.

I don't even know who HE is.

I told him that I wasn't comfortable spending $54.00 for a magazine subscription, that I have never in my life spent that much money for a magazine subscription and that I was sorry. I also said, that I would rather just give him twenty bucks and skip the magazine, to which he was very offended. He said what he was doing wasn't charity.

No, screwing someone over is called something else all together.

If there is one thing I can't stand is being taken advantage of. I pride myself on being a wise person who is able to look at many angles of things before making a decision. I think I've always done a pretty good job buying houses, cars, financing things, etc. to try to get the very best deal that I could. Hell, I didn't even by Chex cereal at the grocery store yesterday because it wasn't on sale. I certainly wasn't going to spend $54.00 on a magazine that I didn't need without doing my homework.

I told Mr. Door-to-Door salesman that I would look up on the internet the subscription price of the magazine and if I thought it was an okay deal, he could come back.

He said again that it wasn't about the magazine it was about his being able to feed his family to which I said, "Listen, I'm a WAITRESS. How do you think it would be if I served my tables and then gave them an inflated check for their food and explained to them that they were being ripped off because I was feeding my family on that? They wouldn't give a shit and they would never come back."

He left.

I didn't think I would see him again, but I still looked up the magazine subscription on-line.

Guess how much a 10 issue subscription to National Geographic for Kids costs???

Go ahead, guess, I'll wait.

FIFTEEN DOLLARS!

$39.00 less than what he was charging me.

Well that was that, RSG was a smart consumer once again.
I loaded up the little arsonists, I mean children, and took the big one to piano lessons and the little ones to the grocery store for much needed items. We returned and I started cooking dinner while everyone finished homework, etc.

DOORBELL RINGS.
I said, "You've got to be fucking kidding me."
Sure enough, it was inner-city-underprivileged-door-to-door salesman.
I opened the door and said,

"Hey, I looked up the magazine and it only costs $15.00. That's over three times what you were going to charge me, and to be exact $39.00 more. $39.00 is what I just spent at the grocery store to feed MY family for two dinners, breakfasts and lunches. You need to take care of your family, but I also need to take care of mine."

He left. I felt vindicated and we don't have another magazine cluttering up our house.
Now, if an underprivileged-inner-city-door-to-door-magazine salesman turns to a life of crime in North Portland because I didn't buy a magazine from him, I am truly sorry. Truly I am.
Be on the lookout LeLo and AdRi.

It's legal to die with dignity in Oregon

2006-01-17T16:45:00.000-08:00

Again.
If my memory serves me correctly, the voters of Oregon voted on this subject in 1994.
1994 people.
We voted on that measure just a few weeks after my first child was born, (who is now eleven...)
And we approved it.
In 1994.
Through the past eleven years, this measure, which was voted into law was ripped to shreds and everyone who could tried to stop it from happening. (For the full timeline, go here.)

The Supreme Court voted today to uphold Oregon's Physician Assisted Suicide law making it legal (or actually making it "not-illegal") for doctors to prescribe drugs to terminally ill patients that would end their lives.
End their suffering.

I guess the thing that irritates although somewhat amuses me is that doctors have been prescribing lethal doses of medication to dying people since the invention of those drugs; in all states, all over the place, they just don't advertise it. It's done in hospitals, in nursing homes, and in hospice care, every single day.

My grandfather was given a large dose of Morphine before being transferred from a hospital to an extended care facility. When he arrived at the said extended care facility, he was given another large dose of Morphine and died very soon after. Was this an accident?
Nope.
My grandfather had pulled the doctor aside, had a private conversation with him about his lack of quality of life, and the doctor complied.

Is anyone in my family upset?
Nope.
It was my grandfathers wishes and it was his life.
And it was between him and his doctor; and his creator.

I'm grateful that my grandfather didn't sit in a nursing home without any hope of recovering from his illness, in misery, lonley, and suffering.
I'm glad that he was able to determine how and when his suffering would end, even if the Supreme Court says that he doesn't have any constituional right to do so.

Why is it that it's "okay" to do certain things as long as we don't "talk" about them or validate them in some way? As long as it's not brought into the public eye or discussed or made a part of our society, the people oppossed to such things are all right with them?
It's such fucking hypocrisy.

After eleven years, the people of Oregon can LEGALLY be prescribed medication to LEGALLY end their lives and do something that has been being done illegally, although known about, for decades.
Eleven years and MILLIONS of dollars later to basically maintain the status quo.
Great use of everyone's time and money.

Thank God, almighty, we are free at last?

2006-01-16T21:59:00.000-08:00

Tonight before the girls went to bed, I showed them pictures of Dr. King. I want to be sure that the image of his handsome, serious, and passionate face will be as ingrained in their little minds as prevelantly as the faces of George Washington or Abraham Lincoln.
Dr. King isn't yet on a piece of money, perhaps someday.

I explained to the little ones about slavery and showed them pictures of a slaves back that had large scars from whippings. I tried to explain to them what a slave was, but of course their little minds could not comprehend something so horrible.

I read to them Dr. Kings famous speech, "I Have A Dream," although I certainly couldn't give it any justice. And when I got to this part, I began to weep:

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I am weeping now as I re-read it.

I weep because I truly believe that for as much progress as we have made in our society, we have just as much progress to make.

I weep for the victims of the summer's hurricanes and how so many of the people there, poor, and black were left behind by this great nation that claims them as her sons and daughters.
I weep remembering that horror for them, and the horror that still plagues them today.

I weep because I can't help but believe that if Dr. King were alive today; he would weep for them too.

And I weep because if Dr. King were alive today, imagine what he would have accomplished in the last 37 years.

Imagine that for just a moment. That brilliant man was 39 years old when he was killed and look what he accomplished in those short 39 years. If he had lived, through the prime years of his life, perhaps life as we know it today would be different, for the better, I know.

The truth is, the unfortunately truth, is, that we are NOT free at last.
So it is up to every person to realize and be the change that they want to see in our world, and keep the dream alive.

2006-01-16T18:18:00.000-08:00

I'm getting out the gloves

2006-01-15T12:36:00.000-08:00

It's time, once again, to color my hair.
Some of you might remember what happened last time? Or what it looked like?
You wouldn't believe how many google search engines hits I get off of that post from people looking to fix their own red hair tragedy!

Well, the color is light brown with a copper base. It should be much less dramatic.
We'll see in 20 minutes blogging friends!

Bird dog

2006-01-15T00:52:00.000-08:00

I guess Ginger is a bird dog.
Tonight when she went outside she was spending a lot of time out there. I opened the door to check on her and there she sat
flinging a dead bird around.

Yes, I said a dead bird. A little blue one.
A little, blue, dead, bird. With feet and wings and a beak and everything.
Now, I know she didn't KILL the bird, but it was dead just the same and Ginger wanted to do something with it (eat it, I presume...) YUK!

Anyway, I was completely grossed out and did not want to deal with the dead bird on the patio that my dog loves at one o'clock in the morning in the cold, dark, rain.
So I left it out there, secretly hoping something would come and take it away in the middle of the night...like a coyote or something?????

Now Ginger is going BALLISTIC because she desperately wants to go outside to be with her BIRD, and she is crying and scratching at the door to get out.

Gross, gross, and grosser.

I'll never be able to kiss her sweet little, dead bird flinging face again.

UPDATE: Well, this morning I "butched up" and went out there to dispose of the little thing. In the light of day I noticed that it was actually a dark grey bird, not a cute little blue one (not that it really makes a difference.)

My dog is STILL obsessed and keeps frantically going in and out of the house looking for that damn bird.

Heart puke

2006-01-14T15:23:00.000-08:00

You know when your stomach really, really hurts and you KNOW that if you would only puke, you would feel better?

That's how my heart feels today.

It feels so sick with ache and like if only I would just "puke," I would get rid of all of it.

You know what I mean, blogging friends?

You do, don't you.

The Trailblazer

2006-01-13T08:15:00.000-08:00

When I went through my divorce, most of my friends scattered into the wind. I was too much for them to deal with and they didn't want to be labeled as "taking sides" with me or supporting the horrible thing that I did to my family. These were all people that I had shared a lot with through the years and have shared a lot with me. They were women (and men,) who endured their own heartache in their own relationships, and many of them weren't any happier than I was.

Looking back at those people and the lives that they live, often I compare what they endure and what I endured in my own marriage. None of these people are presently in my life, but when they were, I held their hands and tried to help them through their own difficult times.

One of those friends described her marriage as an "emotional divorce." Without sex, without intimacy, without anything except financial support. Early in their relationship he forced her (by giving her an ultimatum,) to terminate a pregnancy and only married her because she wanted a commitment or was moving on. I have also always suspected that he is gay.

Another friend and her husband were playing around wrestling one day early in their marriage, he did something rough (in fun,) she slapped him, he broke her arm. More than one of my friends have never had an orgasm with their husbands. One has a husband who is addicted to pornography, one drinks too much and has been physically rough with their young son when drunk. One has a significant depression and anxiety as well as a drug and alcohol problem that has debilitated him for years. One friend is bi-polar (undiagnosed,) and has practically bankrupted her family several times by shopping during her manic phases. A lot of my friends have spouses who are extremely controlling with time and money; more than one woman I know has to ask her husband "permission" before buying anything or making plans with anyone, or even cutting their hair. Some of them have "rules" about grocery shopping and keeping receipts for things and not buying things for the children unless it's planned for. One of the aforementioned husbands makes his wife bring him the grocery receipt and the change and makes sure she doesn't buy anything they don't "need."

You think I live in a trailer park???
No, I do not. I live in one of the most expensive, suburban towns in Oregon with lots of "normal" people who drive luxury SUV's with dvd players and navigation systems, with second homes in the mountains or at the beach, who are are members of the PTA, the school board and the City Counsel.

I had a lot of problems in my own relationship,
I fell in love with someone else,
became a lesbian
and left my husband.
I'm considered "scandalous!"
So be it.

In the year since my divorce I have mostly kept to myself and only talk to my former friends and acquaintances when at a kid sports event or school function. I answer their questions as honestly as I can and from my perspective. I've missed the commaradity that we used to share, but I also realized how much energy they all took from me, and how toxic many of them were to my life. Not all of them, but some.

Now it's a year later and several of those same people are now going through their own divorces, (big surprise people...)
And all of a sudden.
I'm the "go-to" girl to lend an ear and support.
I don't mind really, but secretly a part of me wonders where the hell they all were when I was going through my divorce.

Going through something like that alone and without support would be the yuckiest thing ever.
I know this from experience.
And I don't wish that on anyone, so I'll be there to help when needed.

Without my mom, my LBCG, my friends Darcy and Angie, (whom I met after leaving XH,) Shelly and Angie, and my blog friends, I don't think I would have survived.
I KNOW I wouldn't have survived.
And no, my former friends weren't there for me, but I will be there for them the best that I can, because I'm the trailblazer.

Yep, that's me.
The gay-divorcee-trailblazer.

***I still want the lurkers to de-lurk...see post below!***

Stand up and say hello!

2006-01-12T17:56:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's national de-lurking week and I want to hear from all of you lurkers.
Now, I heart you all, but how am I suppossed to give you ANY love if I don't know who you are?

Come on, leave a comment,
delurk,
you'll like it,
I promise!

2006-01-11T22:05:00.000-08:00

My online friend Sarcastic Journalist is being thrown an online baby shower for her upcoming new arrival, Little Jizzy. I went to her registry to choose a gift here.

I decided that I'm going to get her the twenty second rectal thermometer, and the butt paste.
Just to be a smartass!

Today

2006-01-11T21:44:00.000-08:00

I ate five,
yes five
Krispy Kreme donuts.

My Blog Friends Rock My World

2006-01-11T09:24:00.000-08:00

Anyone who read this post knows about the Sandypops comment.
I don't get a lot of negative comments, (two actually to date and it's been almost a year,) but that particular comment was overtly inappropriate, untrue, and cruel.

Not only did my blog friends totally stick up for me here on this blog, but they also did on their own blogs. I was so moved by their loyalty and love for the RSG, that I had to post some of this. Plus the fact that it cracked me the fuck up...

On this post by Pissy, she listed five things about herself. One of them was this:

Names of 4 People I DO NOT heart
Sandycocks,cunts,..chops..whatever (RSG, Kristine, Kami & Shangie know who this is)
My husbands ex crack ho wife
Bill O' Reily (he is a fuck nut)
Tom Cruise

I love that bitch Pissy! Then in her comments, (really you should just go read,) my my other HAB's wrote this:

Pack of Two: I hate Sandycox fucking bitch too!!! Lets find out who she is & kick her ass...LOL!!! I laugh...but I would totally do it:)

Kami: Sandycunts is a ho.

Tammy: Sandypopcuthoe, whoever she is, is a whore.

SFG: Not sure who that is you are calling a ho, but I'm sure she deserves it. (and SFG girl, why haven't you been reading if you don't know who this is??? You're my "cut" girl!

It just made me laugh so much I just had to write about it.
BTW, Sandypops is STILL reading (everyone wave again!!!) His/her IP address keeps popping up!

Why else do my blog friends rock my world?

Well, this morning LeLo's partner AdRi met me on her way to work to drop off Wink for a puppy playdate. LeLo thought that since I was feeling down, more puppy kisses and hugs were exactly what I needed! (Of course she is right!) Well, AdRi decided that to go along with puppy kisses and hugs, I also needed a dozen circular pieces of crack in a box. So she stopped by the CrackHouse to score me some!
I heart her and she is now officially my new HAB!

Then there is Jessica, who made playdoh boobies for me.
Kristine and Shaun who heart me and want to play with me over mine and Kristine's birthday here.
Kami, who invited me to Thanksgiving, Christmas, and to Blog Blowout 2006!
Mel, who sends me nice e-mails and might want to have lots of girly sex with me.
and Pack of 2, who are my friends IRL who are always there for me, anytime day or night for any thing.

My life may be a bit fucked up.
I might be in a dysfunctional relationship and be virtually un-employed, but I have great kids and great blog friends, (and a few IRL too!)

And I have a Winky here today!

My five weird habits

2006-01-09T16:47:00.000-08:00

I got tagged by Raggy Maggy to list my five weird habits. Well people, I have a hell of a lot more than five weird habits, but I'll go ahead and list them for your entertainment. I don't actually think that any of my habits are weird, because I'm completely normal in every way.

I touch dogs and cats noses, obsessively. I love to touch animal noses and I wouldn't stop at dogs and cats except it might be dangerous of me to wonder into the zoo and touch say, a lions nose or something. I love that they are black and cold and wet. My VERY favorite thing is to touch their nose with MY nose. I especially like that. When I was a little girl, we had a golden retriever named Tess whoms nose I would always touch. Tess had a pink spot on the tip of her nose where the black was worn off. I don't know if it was related to my touching or not???? (probably not...)
I ALWAYS make my bed the second I get out of it. Always. Even if I'm in a big hurry. I can't stand the sight of an unmade bed. I do not make my children's beds daily because they are bunk beds and an enormous pain in the ass to make. If they weren't bunk beds, you bet your ass that I would make them every morning too.
I'm obsessed with bleach and I bleach my kitchen every day (except of course on the days when I haven't prepared anything IN my kitchen.) I bleach the counters, sink, stove, dishwasher, microwave, and refrigerator before I cook and usually after as well. I once heard that the front of your refrigerator is germier than your toilet. That is certainly NOT the case in my house.
I always get ready in exactly the same order. I shower, get out, dry my hair with the towel, then dry my body, then wrap my hair in the towel. Then I brush my teeth, put on deodorant, put on my bra and underwear, do my makeup, put product in my hair, tossel it a bit, put on fragrance and finally get dressed. If I get ready outside of that specific order, it just feels wrong to me. I don't understand how other people do things OUT of that specific order (LBCG,) and it secretly makes me a little crazy to watch her get dressed before she brushes her teeth and does her hair.
I can not sleep with any doors open in my bedroom. The closet doors, the bathroom door, and the bedroom door must be closed in order for me to sleep. I almost always used to go to bed before my XH and he would consistently forget to close the bathroom door which would make me crazy, because I would then need to get up out of bed and close the darn thing.

Oh there are LOTS more, but really people, do you NEED to know how crazy I am? I don't usually tag people but I'm feeling a bit devilish today so I will tag Lelo, Kami, and Syd.

If any of you have every done this one, just chalk it up to my other weird (bad) habit of not remembering stuff.

Important things in life

2006-01-08T02:19:00.000-08:00

Everyone has hard times in their lives. Most of us are making our way through this experience doing the best that we can. Some people are faced with harder things in their lives than others.

Tonight when I went to work I found out that one of my co-workers lost her son last Monday.
He had Cystic Fibrosis.
He was eight years old.
Christmas day he became sick which turned into pneunomia which led to his death.
My co-worker will never be the same.

The only thing that is important in this life is the way that we love eachother. Relationships, jobs, money, material posessions, mean commenters.
Do they really matter?
Do they?

No.
They don't.

What matters is that we live our lives with love in our hearts trying to see each other (and ourselves,) the way that God sees us.
Perfect beings of light and love (minus all of our human-ness.)

Strip everything else away and what do you have left?
Only love.
Hug your kids.
Be nice to others.
Be NICE.
Be loving.

"Love God with all of your heart and all your soul and love eachother as you love yourself"--Matthew 22:36-40
Amen.

2006-01-06T23:58:00.000-08:00

Thanks everyone for your support and love (as always...)
XH actually wanted to talk to me this morning when I dropped off DD#2 at his house (you know, because SHE has the flu now...) He said that he was sorry that he upset me, we shouldn't talk about such things, he thinks I'm really smart and capable, you know, nice things like that.
I appreciated that very much but I still fell apart into a blubbering idiot of tears as he was talking to me.
It just drains me so much and debilitates me beyond belief. I felt like I couldn't physically get through the rest of my day.

Then my evening just got worse and worse and worse and I feel so sucked dry and empty right now I can't even think straight, (which is good I guess, since I'm not.)

I honestly feel like, aside from my beautiful children, there is absolutely NOTHING that is working in my life right now, nothing. Everything is disfunctional and not working; I'm dysfunctional and not working and I feel paralyzed by it all, like I just can't move.
Or breath.

I need a complete overhaul; lift up the lid, make adjustments, screw some things on tighter, steam clean my engine, I don't know; a labotomy? Shock treatment? Something?

Right now, I'm going to take myself to bed and wake up tomorrow, to another day, that will hopefully be better than today.

I guess I'm a charity case

2006-01-05T20:16:00.000-08:00

Had a phone conversation with XH that started out, I thought, quite benign and civil and left me in tears, (again.)

Through the course of our conversation I got the very clear picture that he feels that the alimony and child support that he is ordered to pay me is charity to "set me up for success." He's terribly afraid that at the end of the alimony payments I will have done nothing to try to support myself and he will be forced to make some "hard choices." Of course, he didn't elaborate as to what those "hard choices" would be, but in his true nature, there was a threatening undertone that he would never, ever admit to.

It's been a year since my divorce and my priorities have been to try to keep my children's lives as close to what they were prior to our divorce. I want to take care of them, be there for them, take them to school in the morning, pick them up when they are done, take care of them on the many, many days off from school that they have throughout the year, take them to piano lessons, soccer practice, basketball practice, softball practice, chess club, choir, and scrabble club, volunteer in their classrooms, and chaperone field trips (just to name a few...) XH says that doing those things for the children is "nothing special" and lots of parents do those things for their children all of the time.

My daughters have never spent one minute in daycare and I would like to avoid that for as long as I possibly can. Not that I think there is anything wrong with daycare, perse, but you mention the word to my children and they equate it to something similar to a concentration camp.
XH stated that the girls would be much better off if their mother was "self-sufficient" than if they had to be in daycare. He doesn't want me to need to "rely" on him (and his charity,) and that my being employed full time would better serve our children's best interest.

He makes it seem as if our divorce settlement, including my alimony payments, were something that he came up with out of the goodness of his heart. I'm sorry, if I understood the divorce laws correctly, every penny that I receive in alimony and child support is money that I am entitled to under the customary practices of the state of Oregon. Was I the only one sitting there in the lawyers office? I'm pretty sure he was sitting there with me but perhaps he was a figment of my imagination?????

He has such a knack for making me feel like a complete incompetent, incapable, stupid idiot who has my head so far up my ass that I can't see anything in front of me; he's so good at it. I suppose what I need to keep reminding myself is that he didn't value my role as a wife and a mother while we were married, why on earth would he value my role as a mother and primary caretaker/nurturer to our children now that we are divorced?

Before a million people give me crap for my allowing myself to get so upset about all of this, I will tell you that I completely refrained from discussing my point of view on most of the aforementioned items to him. It took everything inside of me to bite, (and I mean BITE,) my lip to stop myself from going ballistic and spouting off my talking points of why he was SO wrong. I calmly said, "I think that it is pointless for us to have this discussion," and he replied, "you're right...we just have different priorities."

Yes, that is true, and we always have;
which is why we're not married anymore.

IMPORTANT!

2006-01-05T19:20:00.000-08:00

Can someone please send me the MP3 of Brittany Spears, Toxic?????

I NEED it.

recoveringstraightgirl@verizon.net

You say Joe-Pa, I say Terno!

2006-01-04T09:29:00.000-08:00

Penn State won the Orange Bowl last night in triple overtime following the worst two failed field goal kick attempts I have ever seen. Of course, I didn't start watching the game until the two minute warning in the fourth quarter, but I'm still glad they won.

I do have a small vested interest. I attended Penn State for a short while, and was also once in love with Joe Pa's daughters husband. (They weren't married at the time, I was 16, we were in High School and he was my "first", well, you know...) He broke my heart. Sigh. I loved him so much.

Mostly I'm happy that after today this whole overblown commercialism of college football will be behind us for another year. (My apologies to Mel, who I know loves this shit...)

Getting it out of the way...

2006-01-03T17:35:00.000-08:00

Sick again.
I thought it was just my own damn fault, but I believe I was wrong.

Sunday was a great day and I was oh so very happy! Went to work and afterward went out for some cocktails with some work friends. I had a few red apple martinis and a fun time. Until I was getting ready to go to bed when I promptly puked my guts out. When I woke up the next morning, I really thought that I just drank too much on an empty stomach. But I didn't drink THAT much and I was really, really sick.

I couldn't move.
I could barely breath without hurting.
Everything hurt and I stayed in a horizontal position the entire day and most of today.
I either caught a flu or had some really bad Crown Royal.
I'm pretty sure it was the former.
This evening I am waiting for my mom to come over to make dinner for my girls and I plan on going back to bed.

Seems Ginger is sick too. She's been doing a really weird cough the last few days. I took her to the vet today (in between lying down,) and the vet thinks she may have kennel cough, despite being inoculated against it. He says (the cute lesbian vet wasn't in today,) that the vaccine is only about 20% effective against the virus. Who knew? She's doing fine and doesn't have a fever, she's just tired and coughing. She is also cutting teeth right now, poor baby!
DD#1 is much better. That anti-viral medicine seemed to work quite well.

So the way I see it; I'm just getting a few things out of the way for the New Year. Kids sick, dog sick, I'm sick; it's all good because that means we'll be healthy the rest of the year, right? I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow, I've got to.

Regarding Rich... You all crack me up so much. There's no need for cutting anyone, SFG, I think I'll be fine, but thanks for the offer! (I'll keep you in mind though, if anything comes up...)

I found out quite awhile ago, that my XH was told about my blog from someone. Apparently there are quite a few of my former friends and acquaintances (including Rich,) who frequent my blog and report about it to my XH.

Here's what I have to say about that...

I speak nothing but my own truth here, this is my life and my blog; no it's not "private" because it's on the internet but it's my words, my experience and my perspective. I have no problem with anyone reading it, because I'm a pretty open person to begin with. Until my blog was "outed" to my XH, I did not tell anyone about it IRL, now it doesn't seem to matter much . But regardless of that, there is nothing that I say here, or have said here that I wouldn't be comfortable talking to anyone about. Nothing.

As open as I am with my own life, other people are open with their lives to me. People who I used to be close with have shared very intimate and private parts of their lives with me. Things that I'm sure they wouldn't want broadcasted and shared with other people in any forum.

So to all of those people I'll just close with this...
Girls talk, and I know a lot of things that have been confided in me through the years.
A lot of things.
So tread lightly while walking on someone else's life.

Enough said, carry on blogging friends on the internet.

Happy New Year!

2006-01-01T13:29:00.000-08:00

We had a fun New Year, despite DD#1 coming down with the flu!!! I called the doctor today and he prescribed an anti-viral medicine that XH is driving to the next town to get from the only pharmacy that has it today!

But I digress.

New Years Eve my friend Darcy came out to hang with us, (very sad that we were her best option...) We hadn't seen Darcy for Christmas yet so we started out exchanging gifts.

LBCG and I bought Darcy a calendar or Dog Poos through the year. It was really funny. (I also got her a dutch oven for camping.)

Darcy gave me a book on how to be the Pope. (See Pope Post for explanation.)

Yes, I have my hair in a ponytail. I cleaned my house and put away Holiday decorations ALL DAY and did not take a shower. Yes, it looks terrible and it gave me a headache.
Darcy also gave me a manicure set that has her company logo on it...I post this only because I like the picture that DD#1 took.

We ordered Chinese food which was good and it was even better because I did not have to cook or clean up afterward. Darcy had stopped at K-Mart for New Years hats and horns but they were out; so Darcy bought Dora the Explorer party hats instead. They worked.

Darcy's dog Winnie liked the hat too!

We did a puzzle,

Played Scene It Disney (I DOMINATE that game...I was partners with DD#3 and at one point DD#1 said, "Mom, don't you think you should give Kennedy a chance to answer.")

I danced with Winnie,

And we rang in the New Year with Dick Clark, (what HAPPENED to him anyway??? I think he really died about three years ago and they are secretly computer generating him into the show.)

Ginger loved wearing her "bling" that she got as a gift from LeLo, AdRi, and Wink.

and was so tired today,

All in all it was a fun, entertaining and lovely evening. I am determined that 2006 is going to be a banner year for me! I'm very hopeful because this morning for the first time in a long time I didn't think about something awful the minute I awoke.

2005 was an odd year. I think that explains a lot. Bad things happen on odd years, really they do, think about it. But anyway that's all behind us now and we can look forward to a nice, even, good 2006 (and 2007 because despite its oddness, it's a seven and seven is always lucky.) So the way I see it, we have three GOOD years ahead of us. Yippee!

May the higher powers of your life bless and keep you all happy and healthy and safe this coming (three) years. Much love to my Hooker Ass Bitches and all my other blogging family and friends!

I heart you all; thank you for being there for me, supporting and caring about me through many miles and miles of bandwidth, everyday. You all rock my world. (Except you, Rich... if you're reading, then fuck off.) That's a story for another time, blogging friends. Today is a HAPPY Day!

Love, hugs and kisses for a Happy New (three) Years!

Stuff Portrait Friday

2005-12-30T18:15:00.000-08:00

My resolutions:

To be a great mom to these girls.

and this girl.

To learn to use my new camera with ease.
And finally...
To be good to myelf.
My favorite photo of 2005

My HAB Pissy!
Something I want to leave behind...

My depression.

Ginger hates Cesar Milan

2005-12-30T17:52:00.000-08:00

I discovered The Dog Whisperer on the National Geographic Channel.
Ginger must hate that show because she barks her head off at all of the dogs and at Cesar.
I might need to call him.

Wink's gone :(

2005-12-29T12:25:00.000-08:00

Her Mom, AdRi, came to pick her up yesterday. We are all very sad. Here is a final Holiday portrait of the girls dressed up in their holiday attire:

Poor Ginger spent the entire rest of the day sleeping.

She was either very tired from her days and days of playing bitey face with her sister, or she was depressed.
The later is why I was sleeping...

DD#1 was taking liberties with the D-50 while we were watching a movie together. (Notice: I wasn't watching the damn movie.)

Holidays sucks the big one, (not that I do THAT anymore...) and I'll be so glad to put away the Christmas stuff and move on with my life. I put on a BIG happy entertaining, joyful face for my kiddos but now it feels like everything has just crashed down around me and all I want to do is take Xanex and SLEEP.

Just a couple of more days.
I will be occupying myself with stupid activities for the next few days with time for sleeping and xanex mixed in. My hope is that I will feel better soon and decide to pull my head out of my ass and move on.

Holidays Suck.
Relationships Suck.
Suck, Suck, Suck.

My kids don't suck though. My youngest daughter just announced to me that Mr. Clean Magic Eraser even cleans car tires and patio furniture.

That's good to know.

For Lelo

2005-12-27T20:37:00.000-08:00

She's not getting ANY attention or having ANY fun!!!!

Yes, Internet, there really IS a Santa Claus

2005-12-26T17:07:00.000-08:00

And I guess I've been good this year! (No matter WHAT you may have heard...)

Because on Christmas Eve, I received this:

And it sure made for a photo happy Christmas.

Now if I could just figure out how to get the pictures OFF of the camera...

The D-50 came courtesy of Santa in the form of my LBCG.
I knew there was a reason I hearted her so much!

My Holiday Wish for You

2005-12-22T18:48:00.000-08:00

I want to get you all something for the Holidays! Since I don't have all of your addresses, I'll just have to hope that Santa gets my wishes for you in time...

First to the Woo's: I wish that you would win Powerball so that you could buy a big farm where you could adopt a whole bunch of dogs and cats who need homes; and for a job, you could play video games professionally!

Lishy: No more dickhead husbands, THREE caret diamond earrings, and all the cheesecake you can eat without gaining any weight.

To my HAB's:
Pissy: I wish for you a huge collection of Coach purses in every color of the rainbow, (so that you can share with Lil Miss Pissy and Gran Sissy.)

Kristine: I wish for you an endless supply of lenses for the D-70, and a sexy photographer assistant named Bambi.

Shaun: The latest photoshop with every clip art known to man, your own computer, and turns with Kristines sexy assistant named Bambi.

Blu: Lots of money in Grants and Scholarships so that you can keep going to school as long as you like and learn as much as you want!

Little Sister: Lots of sexy dresses and shoes to go out to fun places with Mr. Wonderful.

Curly: The most wonderful boyfriend in the world who does not have a girlfriend and loves all the things that you do; and a new car with tires that won't blow out in Ohio. Oh, and for your student loan company to tell you to forget about paying them back!

D: New next door neighbors, and that Nanny lady from television to come to live with you permanently.

LeLo: A gift card to Al's Garden Center with an unlimited amount on it.

Merry Widow: Acceptance to that accelerated medical school; the one that you can become a doctor in 18 months!

Mel: A huge donation to charity, a huge gift card to the bookstore, a trip to Aruba, and sex (preferably with me.)

SFG: A hurricane-proof house and a LONG trip to the spa to relax.

Kami: Coach purses and a cruise (maybe on Olivia,) for you and the MILF.

Jessica: State of the art video equipment (to do whatever with...) more nipple cozies, fondue chocolate, a house just for all your cats, and a new furnace.

SoozieQ: Heat in your work office, a postage meter, a personal dog trainer, and a state of the art cookie baking oven.

Adrienne: Warmth, no wedding drama, that Subaru that you want, and the right kind of cat food for your cat.

Jason: A laundry maid.

Sue and Charlotte: Jobs as professional travel critics...first stop, Olivia Cruise. (I'm going for a discounted group rate on the Olivia cruises)

Valerie: A satisfying and happy job that pays you what your worth. A move to Portland, and love.

Sassy: Great, high paying jobs for you and Fran, a beautiful new home in your new state, and a cruise on Olivia (maybe they'll give me a free cruise!)

SJ: exactly the kind of birth that you want.

Syd: State of the art cooking equipment and cooking lessons from the very cute Rachel Ray!

Cass: Lots of Pecan Pie! (Oh, and a cruise on Olivia...)

Kylz: A step stool and some new BBQ tongs, and an automatic sprinkler system.

If I left you out, it's because I couldn't think of anything or I accidently overlooked you but please know that I wish all of my blogging friends on the internet much love and peace during this Holiday season and throughout the New Year!

Hugs and Kisses to you and yours, from the RSG!

News and what-not

2005-12-21T19:13:00.000-08:00

The weather has warmed up and we are back to our typical NW winter weather; rain. I can't say that I'm dissapointed, I like the snow and everything but I very much dislike the bitter cold. (It was right around 32 degrees (F, d.)) I don't like it!

The kids are on their first day of Winter Break today, 13 to go.

I had a meeting today that could possibly work into a job... I can't say that it went as well as I would have liked, but I think there is still a chance for something to work out. I will keep pursuing it and see how things figure.

The kids and Ginger are in Heaven because we had a houseguest arrive today!

Wink, who is Ginger's biological sister and cute as a button has come to stay over Christmas with us. We will hang her a stocking next to Gingers so that Santa can fill it when he comes! So far we have only had two altercations, one over a greenie (which is a little chew bone for you non-dog bloggers,) and one at dinner. Ginger isn't a very good dinner hostess as she tried to eat Wink's food, and Wink wasn't going for that. So Ginger, in typical fashion, got banned to the bathroom to finish her dinner and allow Wink to eat her's in peace.

As I blog, they are wrestling and playing all over the living room. Wink will take a break from playing to crawl over and sit with DD#3, who gives her lots of love, it's so cute! I just hope that she gets enough attention this week while she's here with us!!! I'm sure she will miss her Mom's and I know that they will miss her!
Have a fun and safe trip LeLo and AdRi! (They're coming near your neck of the woods, Kami, maybe you should have them over for some fried turkey!)

My mom told me today that my jerk cousin outed me to my grandmother recently. Apparantly she is beside herself because she feels like everyone in the family knew but her. I certainly wasn't keeping anything from her, I honestly haven't discussed the issue with anyone in that part of the family. I've discussed it with my aunt, uncle and cousin who I am closest to, not the family members I'm not. I just don't think that I need to explain myself to anyone, I'm not going to make an issue out of something that is a non-issue as far as I'm concerned.

My cousin is an ass for upsetting my grandmother and making a big deal out of something that is not. He's just one of those people that needs to put other people down to make themselves look better, he's a miserable man who is unkind to his wife and children and has no sense of maturity or responsibility. He's a bigot and a racisit and a chauvanist and I don't have to deal with him because he lives 3,000 miles away (thank God.)

LBCG asked me if I was going to call my grandmother. I don't think I will; I'll let my Momma deal with it!!!

The second week of November I started to get a cold. I took Airborne and Emergen-C like a nut and fought it off. I had a bit of a cough but nothing too terrible. Two days after Thanksgiving, I got very sick and even missed a few days of work. Being that I have a history of pneumonia, I had my Mom get me some anti-biotics to take care of anything that might be brewing. It seemed to do the trick and a few days later I was feeling much better.

A week after that I felt bad again, a week later I was better. A week after that I felt bad again, then I was better, then I was bad, then I was better. All along though, I have had a cough and a bit of tightness in my chest. My Mom listened to me and didn't hear anything bad in there.

Then last night in the middle of the night I started running a fever. WTF?
Today I feel like crap, and I sound like a thunder storm when I cough. I drugged myself up enough to function through my meeting and day, but now I'm starting to crash. I wish I could figure out what the hell is going on with me. Being sick at Christmas is not my idea of fun.

So that's the news from the RSG homefront. I want to do a Holiday wish for all of you tomorrow, I'm trying to put it together in my head!

It snowed

2005-12-18T21:50:00.000-08:00

Do you know what that means?
My children will be home for their last two days of school before Christmas break, driving me crazy.

I know a little dusting of snow may not sound like much to all of you who live in snowy places like Chicago and such, but for us, it's a BIG deal. It snowed two years ago and the whole city of Portland was shut down for over a week, it was unbelievable. The airport was closed, the city offices were closed, the kids were out of school for an entire week; I thought I would die.

If the weatherperson is right, (they usually aren't,) we will be getting freezing rain tonight to go along with the half inch of snow that we received earlier and I'll be screwed.

Help me.

Send cookies.

Or booze.

Or both.

What's that smell?

2005-12-15T18:14:00.000-08:00

Recently, LBCG and I had a conversation about deodorant tampons and other deodorant hygiene products. Neither of us are exactly sure what the point of them is.

Why is it necessary to try to deodorize something that isn't deodorizable. It's not like deodorizing your garbage disposal; you can't just put a lemon up there and expect it to suddenly be all fresh. You're expelling menstrual blood for God's sake. You can't put a scented piece of cotton up there to suck it up and expect it to smell like spring breezes.

Why and how has our society successfully convinced women that they smell bad? Who decided that when a man is smelly he's "manly" and a woman is just, well, stinky and needs deodorizing? Are you aware of how many deodorizing products there are on the market for women?
Anti-perspirant
Deodorant
Deodorant soap
Body Wash
Body Splash
Scented lotion
Cologne
Perfume
Scented panty liners
Scented pads
Scented tampons
Scented body powder
Feminine Deodorant Spray
Scented Feminine Wipes
Scented toilet paper
DOUCHES

Just to name a few.
Do we really smell THAT bad? Come on, our ancestors barely ever bathed; I can only imagine what an improvement soap and water has made, isn't all of this overkill?

Do women's coochies (stole that word from Sarcastic Journalist,) smell bad?
Well, my limited experience has been a big, NO, they don't, and I really don't understand why we try to tell them that their coochies DO smell bad.
The coochie is made to be "self-cleaning," (like an oven, only different,) and part of it's cleaning process is the menstrual cycle; why screw with that process by irritating it with a scented tampon? Now don't get me wrong, I think it's a good thing to spray out that area once in awhile and give it good once over; you certainly don't want your lover finding toilet paper curlys on you in the heat of passion. But let's lay off making women think that they have to practically exterminate the area in order for them to smell acceptable. Most women smell just fine just as they are. And really people, if you are comfortable enough with someone putting their face in your pussy while you're having your period, I'm sure you (and they,) don't really give a damn how you smell.

Oh, and one final question...
Who buys deodorant tampons on eBay?

Choosing to be gay

2005-12-14T15:28:00.000-08:00

I recently upgraded my cable subscription to accommodate my new Comcast DVR. With my upgraded cable line-up I now receive The Logo Channel, which is a new cable station for the GLBTQ community. With my new DVR, I chose several shows on Logo to record. One of the shows I recorded and watched last night was The Advocate Newsmagazine. It is a partner between The Advocate and MTV for The Logo Channel. It was a fabulous show and I encourage you to go the the website and check out some of the interviews.

I really enjoyed the interview with Sheryl Swoopes, WNBA player who recently came out. I could really identify with a lot of the things that she shared and her thoughts and feelings about coming out as a lesbian after living the first part of her life seemingly straight. I found myself chuckling at some of the things that she said, how she felt, and her view of "choosing" to be gay.

I share her perspective.

I do believe that there are many, many GLBTQ people who were born with that orientation already in their DNA. I also believe that there are many gay people who fall in love with a person who happens to be of their same sex and they choose to be gay because they are following their heart and soul. And I also believe there are people who fall somewhere in between.

I was straight my whole life and didn't know any different. I fell in love with a woman and for me it was like a light went off in my head; suddenly things that didn't make any sense or felt strange before made sense or felt "right." Now that I've had that experience, I choose to continue to live my life as a lesbian because that is what I now prefer. If I were forced to live my life as a heterosexual, I would probably survive; I certainly wouldn't be living completely, but I would manage. I would survive because I already have a reference of living a straight life; other lesbians I know could not live a heterosexual lifestyle, even if they had to, and would probably die if they had to have relations with a man!

Ms. Swoopes was asked if she was prepared to take flack from the GLBTQ community for claiming that her homosexuality was a "choice." She replied that she knew that she was going to take flack from a LOT of people.

I think that our society is much more tolerant to people being able to express their sexuality and their love in so many different ways. The old "rules" have gone by the wayside and people are free to allow themselves to go to all of the parts of themselves and try it out. It's happening every day, to people everywhere. In my own small world I know of TWO other women who are my age, and after living their lives straight, marrying, and having children fell in love with women and are now in lesbian relationships. Both of those women as well as myself had this "realization" in the last 18 months. Cynthia Nixon, from Sex in the City, as well as Ms. Swoopes also make up our group.

Whether someone is born gay, chooses to be gay, or just prefers to be gay; it should matter not. All people should be embraced for who they are; who they choose to love at the time should be a non-issue. The freedom to be who you are and love who you want without labeling yourself, should be accepted by the straight community, but especially accepted by the GLBTQ community who has worked so hard for acceptance, understanding and validation of who they are and their relationships.

Check out the complete video interview here.

Someone's been naughty

2005-12-12T09:36:00.000-08:00

No it's not me. (Wish it was though...)

It's my adorable, bad puppy.

Friday night I went to a party (hi Angie!) and left little miss Ginger alone in the bathroom for several hours. I returned home after midnight and she was rip roaring ready to go and play.
I on the other hand, was not. I stayed up for awhile and then put her on my bed with a bone to occupy her for awhile before putting her in her crate and she carried on for hours.
Jumping on my head,
pulling my hair.
Jumping off the bed,
barking to get back on.

Until FIVE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING!
I was in hell.

Then last night she peed on Jesus's father Joseph.

yes on my Christmas tree skirt, right on his head.
I can't put packages under the tree because she tries to rip them apart, and now Joseph has been defamed.

To top off the evening, she yelped and carried on screaming for forty five minutes when I put her in her crate last night.
Finally I took her out and let her outside, (she didn't go,) and put her on my bed thinking she would settle down and go to sleep.
Guess what that little demon did?
PEED ON MY BED!
Yes, that is far worse than peeing on Joseph; she peed on my down comforter and dry-clean only duvet!

This morning she learned how to jump on the chair and climb on the back of the chair to get on the KITCHEN COUNTER! So I pulled the chair away from the counter and she proceeded to jump on the back of the chair and BARK to get on the counter.

Can you say BAD???

I swear I was ready to post her on Craigslist, but then she looks at me like this:

What's a dog mother to do?

Keeping Score

2005-12-09T10:36:00.000-08:00

People keep score in life.
All people.
It's called cause and effect, or reward and consequences.

"If you work for me on Saturday, I'll work for you on Sunday."
"I'll watch your kids if you pick up my drycleaning and go to the store for me."
"I'll trust you if you don't give me any reason not to."

You know the person who is always asking for a favor but never is able to do one in return?
They bug you don't they? And it doesn't make you want to do any more favors for them.

Relationships are the same way.
They should be equitable and even;
and if one person accuses the other person of scorekeeping.
It's usually because they are the one who isn't holding up their end of the bargain.

I'm cheating on TiVo

2005-12-08T14:27:00.000-08:00

This afternoon I am starting an affair with Comcast's DVR.
It's all LeLo's fault. She introduced us to eachother. We did a bit of online dating and finally I worked it all out yesterday afternoon with Richard from Comcast.
Juan, the installer will be here between two and four.
TiVo's out,
Comcast DVR is in.

TiVo and I have been together for two years and they were a great two years, great I tell you. I was even thinking of moving to a lifetime subscription when I heard about Comcast's DVR, (from LeLo.)

Then two days ago something terrible happened.
My TiVo box had a fatal hardware problem that was going to neccesitate me to SEND IT TO TENNESEE to be switched out.
It would be TWO WEEKS without TiVo.
Hello?
The Survivor Finale is on SUNDAY!!!

That was when I decided that TiVo and I would need to "take a break" from eachother and I was going to try out Comcast's DVR. I haven't OFFICIALLY let TiVo know yet; I'm waiting to see how it goes with Comcast, and I am paid up til the end of the mont, but I'm afraid that the pros outweighed the cons and I need to try this out.
It's what's good for all of us.
(I hope...)

I celebrate The Holidays

2005-12-08T08:26:00.000-08:00

Yes, all of them.

I LOVE this time of year for many reasons; but I mostly love them because of my children. I love to see their delight and excitement in all of the things that we do and traditions that we choose to either carry on or invent.
I celebrate and love The Holidays and have a place in my heart for each one of them.

Thanksgiving rocks. Lots of eating and food and football games on television. Everything is quiet because nothing is open and it's usually cold outside. It's only too bad that D. can't celebrate with me because her Thanksgiving is in September or something, (those Canadiens are such non conformists. . .)

I get so excited when I see a Menorah and always want to buy one and light the candles every night for eight nights; but since I don't know how to do it, it would probably be disrespectful to do so.

I love the colors of Kwanzaa, and again, don't know how to do it but I'm excited for people who celebrate that holiday.

Winter Solstice is so ancient and great; celebrating nature and the wonderfullness and mystery of all that is from our earth.

Christmas with all that it is and what it represents is a lovely holiday that fills the world with hope.

And New Years? Any day dedicated to drinking champagne, sounds good to me.

The Holidays in what they are today area collection of cultures and beliefs, some stemming back over 4000 years bringing with them an array of traditions and treats and fun to share with EVERYONE.

The ancient Mesopotamians celebrated their New Year festival in the winter for 12 Days. (Later those 12 Days of celebration became the 12 Days of Christmas.)

In ancient Scandinavia when the sun would disapear in the long winter nights they would celebrate the Yuletide and burn a Yule log to celebrate the return of the sun.

Ancient Persians and Babylonians as well as ancient Greeks would celebrate a winter battle between two gods and have winter festivals with lots of eating and drinking to cheer on their god.

The Roman's celebrated Saturnalia, a huge winter holiday that lasted from the middle of December to the beginning of January. They would have huge feasts and visit friends and gave eachother gifts; that is how we came to gift giving today! They would decorate with garland and greenery (sound familiar?)

Germans used to decorate trees to celebrate the Winter Solstice.

I mentioned early in this post that it's great to be able to carry on traditions or invent new ones. Most of the traditions that we as a society practice today are in fact "invented" traditions and a lot of what and how we celebrate today is infact due to author Washington Irving who re-invented Christmas in the 19th Century. Shortly after, Charles Dickens wrote "A Christmas Carol," and so it went. Christmas wasn't even a federal holiday until 1870. Before that, Congress and everyone else still went to work that day.
Other "invented" traditions came from Mexico (brought us the Poinsettia,) England (brought us the holiday greeting card,) The Celtic people brought us misteltoe, and the US of A brought us eggnog (a nog is any drink made with rum, yum,) and most importantly. . .The Big Guy. . . aka, Santa Clause. And really people, WHO doesn't like Santa? What's not to like? A big Guy in red velvet (the appropriate time to wear red velvet, I might add,) who comes into your house while you're sleeping and leaves you presents (Nikon D-50, Nikon D-50, Nikon D-50, Nikon D-50, Nikon D-50) How cool is he?
And finally there is the modern, invented tradition of Rudolph, but that's another post altogether.

To me, the modern and current recognition and celebration of The Holidays is exactly what it should be; a great melting pot of ancient and modern tradition with fun songs, bright lights, eggnog, cookies, ham and presents, (Nikon D-50, Nikon D-50, Nikon D-50, Nikon D-50, Nikon D-50,) and I am delighted to be sharing and participating in all of the traditions that make this time of year so special and wonderful.

For more information on the History of Christmas, go to this presentation from the History Channel online.

Tell me what you think...

2005-12-05T22:36:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: I answered!!!

I stole this from Valerie and thought it was super cute.

Below is a list; tell me what you think of ME.

Pick ONE from each pair that you think describes me the best & leave it in the comments. Then copy this and post it in your own journal to see how your friends view you.

* dominant or submissive; dominant
* logical or intuitive; both, leaning towards logical
* social or loner; social
* kinky or vanilla; kinky
* cute or sophisticated; I think I'm sophisticated...LBCG says I just THINK I'm sophisticated.
* kitten or puppy; puppy
* warm flannel sheets or sleek satin; flannel, I hate being cold.
* leader or follower; leader
* quiet or talkative; talkative
* spontaneous or planned; planned
* football or chess; I'd rather play chess than footbal but I'd rather watch football than chess.
* hiking or golfing; I really don't do EITHER, and I know I'm a lesbian and am suppossed to like hiking, but hello???? Golfing involves driving around in a cart drinking beer... golf.
* tequila or vodka; vodka, definitely
* top or bottom; top, top, top!!!!!
* barefoot or shoes; shoes, I don't like being barefoot
* jeans or Dockers; jeans
* tender or rough; tender
* aware or dreamy; aware, except while I'm sleeping
* cool or geek; I'm cool but can do geeky things

I think Pissy was the closest to getting them all right; must have been the three nights we spent sleeping next to eachother at Kristines!

Cross your fingers, think good thoughts

2005-12-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

I have had a very good weekend with some great opportunities that I really hope I don't blow.

I was contacted by someone to do a little restaurant job for them; they wanted me to be a secret shopper. No problem, I can do that except that they don't have a program in place. So I offered to write a report and help develop that program. Great.

Then I get an email basically stating that they want my resume and an outlined, detailed job description of what I would like to do for their company.

Hello? Is that a fucking dream come true? Someone basically says, "tell me what you want to do for my company..."

So I put a lot of thought into it and came up with a pretty good comprehensive outline of a job I could do for them now, ramping into a more responsible position as the growth of the company dictates. (Thanks to Shelly who gave me some good info...!)

I sent it off to him in an e-mail just five minutes ago with my resume and a nice letter where I used big fancy words and sounded very important (and like I knew what I was talking about!)

Now I'm just sick to my stomach with anticipation of what he will think and where this will go. Please send me your good thoughts and send good energy that the universe will work this out exactly how it's supposed to work and I will be OKAY!!!!!

This could be my ticket to a job that I really like, am good at, and I can somewhat customize around my children and home. It also means I won't feel so dependent on XH and can feel independent and whole for the first time in eleven years.

I need you all and your good mojo.
Please bring it!

Happy Friday

2005-12-02T08:30:00.000-08:00

I can't play SPF this week, because if I did what I wanted to do, I'm afraid I would be questioned by the Secret Service.

I don't really have anything to blog about.

I'm tired because I stayed up late and had to get up early to have DD#1 to chess club by 7:00 AM.

I have to go to my glamorous waitressing job today for the first time in over a week; I was sick last weekend, so sick I couldn't go to work and cough all over the nice people I wait on.

It's been raining like crazy and I'm sick of it already. The weatherperson called for snow yesterday but it never materialized. They lie.

I got some of the Christmas stuff out last night before watching the very suprising Survivor. I have to say, I'm a bit disappointed in Stephenie. I really liked her at first and now she's just an arrogant bitch. I'm rooting for Cindy or Raif. I like Cindy, she's cute; and Raiff, well he's family, so I'm all for him, (and he cried when he saw his Mama.)

Ginger is doing well on the potty training. She even sits by the door and barks now when she wants to go outside. She's so damn cute.

My love life sucks. I don't think that I'm good at being in relationships, I always seem to say or do the wrong things. Sometimes I think that I just don't deserve to be in the kind of relationship that I want, either that or that kind of relationship just doesn't exist. I'm very difficult to be in a relationship with; I'm opinionated, argumentative, I'm always right, and I think that the world revolves around me, (it does, doesn't it?) I've been told that I look for the negative in my significant other; I assume the worst. I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that I base my thoughts and decisions based on what has happened in the past. Does that mean I hold a grudge? I don't know about that either; I guess I look at it as being cautious and protective.

I do have a hard time finding fault in myself. But it's easy for me to blame myself; does that make any sense at all?

Anyway, busy weekend coming up: DD#1 has a choir concert and basketball game, DD#2 has a soccer game, and DD#3 turns SEVEN on Sunday! Plus I need to fit in working and trying to finish up Christmas shopping.

Hope you all have a lovely, wonderful weekend!

2005-12-01T08:18:00.000-08:00

I was so excited that Rudolph was going to be on last night. I remember watching that movie every year when I was a little girl, and I don't believe that the girls and I have ever watched it before. I even set my TiVo so we could watch it again if we wanted.

It was as I remembered it. Of course the girls were confused if they were puppets or was it CG? I told them they didn't have CG back then, and I wasn't sure how they made it; "just watch the damn movie..."

As I watched, I became curious about a few things.

First, the little elf who wants to become a dentist: How does he know what a dentist is if there are no elf dentists in Christmastown?
Where was he planning on going to dental school?
Is he going to practice medicine without a license? I believe the AMA would be on his ass for that!
If none of the elves have ever had any detal care; that may be quite an undertaking, and what about dental insurance? How will he get paid? I can't imagine an elf makes much, but perhaps they're unionized and Santa offers kick ass bennies.

The Gold Miner Dude: why does he LICK his pick ax? That's just gross and I don't think it's very responsible behavoir to advocate; children are watching this. Maybe he should just make some solid long term investments in a high yield account and call it good. (Or invest in the elf's new Dental Plan...)

And the SEXISM in that show. My God!

Mrs. Donner wants to go out looking for Rudolph with Mr. Donner and Clarise. Mr. Donner says, "No, you and Clarise stay here, this is MANS work!"
Well, Mrs. Donner and Clarise don't listen (thank goodness for that,) and they all end up getting caught in the Abominable Snowman's cave. After they are saved by the goldminer dude and the wannabe dentist, the narrator says, "It was time to get the WOMEN home."
To top it off, Santa keeps calling Mrs. Clause "Mama."

Did anyone else see this and wonder, "what did they just say?"
To be honest, I was a little embaressed. Even DD#1 looked at me and said, "what does THAT mean?"

I suppose it's a good thing that we have evolved a bit as a society that comments like that, once not given a second thought, alarmed me a bit. Perhaps I'm a bit sensitive to it, but I was thinking that maybe Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer needs a bit of an update.

A little PC mixed with some high tech CG.

Bank of America sucks

2005-11-29T09:58:00.000-08:00

So I refinanced my second mortgage at a lower interest rate for five years less and while I did that I paid off my stupid ass Bank of America Visa that unbeknownst to me was at 29 fucking percent interest. Because of my complete stupidity and ignorance to all things financial, I racked up a HUGE bill consisting mostly of finance charges. So I walk into Bank of America, tell them I want to pay the balance and close the account. I wrote them a check, received a letter that my account was closed and low and behold. . .I get a fucking statement today stating that I owe them $22.37 in FINANCE charges. FOR WHAT??????? How can I owe a finance charge on a zero balance on a closed account??
Those motherfuckers.
So I try to call my branch.
They're closed.
Until 10:00.
What lazy asses.
If I have to get my ass out of bed to take kids to school at 7:30, they should be there banking.
I am so pissed right now I could scream.
And I think I will, at the stupid Bank of America people!

A little photo blogging from the long weekend

2005-11-28T15:47:00.000-08:00

Well my holiday started with seeing my girlfriend in concert.
No, we didn't run away together, but I had fun just the same. Like I said before, I don't have good pictures because I don't have a D-70 (or D-50, which is what I am currently covetting)
But here are two.
My Mom and I waiting for the concert to begin.

Gwen in all her beauty.

Then on Thanksgiving, LBCG and I went on The Portland Spirit's Thanksgiving Brunch Cruise. It was quite fun.

It was very good food, great drinks and very pretty scenery. It didn't even rain.
After the cruise we came back to my house and watched the dog show that I had TiVo'd, drank hot chocolate Mojitos, and read the paper.
After that, we had a bite to eat and went to see Walk the Line. I highly recommend that movie, it was fantastic!
Then on Friday, we were lucky enough to have LeLo and her partner AdRi come over and bring Wink, Gingers bio sister.
They were so, so, so cute and had a blast playing, biting eachother, fighting over bones, running around in circles and peeing on the floor. We had some nice mulled wine and some food and had a very lovely visit.

Aren't they precious?

Today DD#3 woke up with yet another fever. She is just finishing her course of antibiotics from the strep of ten days ago. I guess it's back to the doctor for her tomorrow.
LBCG and I have also not been feeling well so I had a lazy day of laying on the couch and watching more kids telelvision shows with my wee one.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day with healthy children???
(Fingers crossed. . .)

Gwen Rocks!

2005-11-25T22:03:00.000-08:00

The concert was fanfuckingtastic and I was completely happy and in heaven the entire time.
I don't have good pictures because, well, I don't have a D-70 and my camera did not have a good enough zoom to get excellent shots of her. Besides, Kami has the best damn pictures of Gwen in concert I could ever imagine. Go see her pics, pretend it's in Portland, and you'll have what I saw on Wednesday night.

My Mom rocks and I am so grateful to her for taking me! I will most definitely go see Gwen again when given the chance.

Okay, I didn't get to run away with her, but that's okay. . . next time!

Thanksgiving

2005-11-25T10:41:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had the very happiest and most wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday. . . and D. and all of my other non-US friends, I hope you had a Happy Thursday!

Thanksgiving is one of those weird holidays; yes it's something to celebrate but when you really get down to the real reasons we celebrate it, there are few redeeming elements about it. But nonetheless, it's TRADITION! And I'm all for tradition.

It's a day to remember what you are grateful for, and I am grateful for so many things in my life this year.
My Beautiful Children and sweet puppy

My LBCG

My Mom

My Brother

Old Friends

New Friends

All that I have, and all that I am.
Where I've been and where I'm going.
I am Thankful.
I am also thankful for all of you.
Thank you!

Tonight's The Night!

2005-11-23T11:11:00.000-08:00

That one of my dreams come true!