Beyond Valentines Day

Valentines Day was yesterday and it was quite fine. I celebrated with my three young daughters and my mom. I don't usually buy the girls Valentines gifts and cards, I always had my husband do that for them. This year though is different and I now will take on the role of buying them Valentines gifts as well. I always liked the idea of John giving them their Valentine gift; sort of like a "Daddy's little sweetheart gift." I'm sure that coming from Mom means just as much, and their Dad did give them a little gift of a stuffed dog and candy treat; they liked it a lot.

It's interesting to me that I haven't missed receiving gifts from my husband since our divorce; it was always such a upsetting ordeal anyway, gift receiving from him. I always had expectations that he would want to put a lot of thought, consideration and love into picking out just the right gift for me when really it just wasn't his thing. It took me a long time to get over that and the thrill of receiving a gift from him went away a long time ago. He always had some excuse or the other; for Valentines Day he would state that he didn't think that it was fair that he should have to plan an event or buy a gift for me, why couldn't I do that for him? For Mother's Day, it was that I wasn't his mother (not that he ever got his own mother something on his own . . .) John never did anything just because it was a nice thing to do, there was always an expectation or a motive behind it. An expectation meaning that he would do it because I expected it or he would have some kind of alterior motive or explanation for it. He used to tell me that he only was sweet and romantic with me while we were dating (oruntil he got me into bed;) then he was done with that. He thought it was funny to say things like that; but there was deep meaning behind it, even if he didn't realize it at the time. Taking me for granted was something he did well and he had no problem with doing it at any time. He felt that by going to work every day and providing for me and the girls was how he showed me how much he loved me. I hope someday he realizes how wrong he was and doesn't make that mistake again with the next person in his life.

I feel like getting through this holiday was a good step in my healing and my evolution. I feel like I got something accomplished between yesterday and today in becoming my new self.