I couldn't sleep last night
I thought about Curly Girl .
She's been having a hard time sleeping lately. As I was lying awake at 3:00 AM, I wondered if she was lying awake too. I guess I'll go read her blog and see...
Nope, doesn't look like she was lying awake at 3:00 AM, or maybe she was; she wrote about Tranny Hookers. That sounds like something that one would think about in the middle of the night when they couldn't sleep.
I thought about how fucked up my life is; how nothing is ever peaceful and easy and everything is hard, H-A-R-D, hard.
I thought about Sarah.
She is being treated very aggressively for cancer right now. Her family chronicles it for her here because she is unable. Sarah is having a hard time right now as it sounds like she has an infection.
She's not complaining, what the fuck do I have to complain about?
I don't have cancer.
Thank God I don't have cancer. For many reasons, but mostly because I also don't have health insurance right now.
I thought about my friend Abbas.
He told me the story of how he and his brother and mother had to flee Iran in 1992. They left to escape he and his brother being sent off to the military and never being able to leave the country. His father died in the Iran-Iraq war; he was a F-16 fighter pilot. Abbas was four. They left their home, their country, with nothing. They had to escape, the two boys on their own for the hope of a better life. When they arrived in the USA; they were interned. Put under house arrest by the INS until they could have a hearing and request political asylum. It was granted and they were set free. Abbas was 13 and spoke not one word of English. Today he has made a good life for himself; is married with children and a home and a career. He had a hard, hard childhood in a horrible place where he witnessed public executions and horrors unknown to all of us here.
He's not complaining, what the fuck do I have to complain about?
I thought about all the nice things that you all said to me on my last post.
I didn't really deserve all of the compliments about what a good friend I am.
I didn't tell you the end of the story.
A few months after David's death, as M. was trying to adjust to her new reality, things changed between us. I think that I was just a bit overbearing, a bit smothering, a bit much. I have a habit of being that way with people that I love; I get very consumed with them. That paired with my constant need to fix things and be the be all to everyone; I basically ruined my friendship with M. In those first few months, when I would talk to her, I would be so honest about my feelings about everything; I think it was too much for her to take. I believe that she wanted a more superficial relationship with me at that time but I wasn't seeing it clearly. She stopped returning my phone calls and weeks led to months without us talking. She lived just two blocks away from me but a world apart.
We never talked about it; part of me really didn't want to know what I had done to cause her to sever our friendship, it would hurt too much. I was too afraid to ask.
I know that I did everything that I could for her during that hard time. It was a hard, hard time and perhaps I was just a painful reminder to her just how hard it was. Maybe I was too mournful, too deep, too much. I'm often too much. Too intense.
I've come to terms with it, even though I've never understood it completely. I know that I must have done something to cause her pain, she wouldn't have ended our relationship if it wasn't so; not after everything that I had done for her to stand by her and help her through. I only wish that she could have told me so that I could have tried to fix it. I do that. I try to fix things.
So the sentiments of my being such a good friend were very nice.
Just not deserving.
I thought about my former LBCG.
She's having such a hard time. Sometimes I think she's just spiraling out of control; that nothing makes sense to her anymore. I'm worried about her and the destruction that is going on in her relationships with me and with The Captain. I blame myself for not being strong enough to have let her go a long time ago. I should have done what was best for her; made it easier, just told her it wasn't going to work and goodbye. Then she wouldn't be so tormented about what was the right thing to do, it would have been done for her, and she could have gone back to The Captain and her old life. So much damage has been done that I know if they could ever find their way back to eachother now. I think my former LBCG would be willing to make the sacrifices, but she doesn't know how to let go of her love and connection to me. I guess it kind of comes down to me again; I should do the right thing and just end it all, for good. Force her to get over me and focus on what she needs to do to put her life back together with The Captain. I don't really like being forced into doing that; but I think I've always known it would come down to exactly this.
And that leaves me exactly where I always knew I would be.
Here.
Confused.
Alone.
Scared.
A lot on my mind.
And unable to fucking sleep.
She's been having a hard time sleeping lately. As I was lying awake at 3:00 AM, I wondered if she was lying awake too. I guess I'll go read her blog and see...
Nope, doesn't look like she was lying awake at 3:00 AM, or maybe she was; she wrote about Tranny Hookers. That sounds like something that one would think about in the middle of the night when they couldn't sleep.
I thought about how fucked up my life is; how nothing is ever peaceful and easy and everything is hard, H-A-R-D, hard.
I thought about Sarah.
She is being treated very aggressively for cancer right now. Her family chronicles it for her here because she is unable. Sarah is having a hard time right now as it sounds like she has an infection.
She's not complaining, what the fuck do I have to complain about?
I don't have cancer.
Thank God I don't have cancer. For many reasons, but mostly because I also don't have health insurance right now.
I thought about my friend Abbas.
He told me the story of how he and his brother and mother had to flee Iran in 1992. They left to escape he and his brother being sent off to the military and never being able to leave the country. His father died in the Iran-Iraq war; he was a F-16 fighter pilot. Abbas was four. They left their home, their country, with nothing. They had to escape, the two boys on their own for the hope of a better life. When they arrived in the USA; they were interned. Put under house arrest by the INS until they could have a hearing and request political asylum. It was granted and they were set free. Abbas was 13 and spoke not one word of English. Today he has made a good life for himself; is married with children and a home and a career. He had a hard, hard childhood in a horrible place where he witnessed public executions and horrors unknown to all of us here.
He's not complaining, what the fuck do I have to complain about?
I thought about all the nice things that you all said to me on my last post.
I didn't really deserve all of the compliments about what a good friend I am.
I didn't tell you the end of the story.
A few months after David's death, as M. was trying to adjust to her new reality, things changed between us. I think that I was just a bit overbearing, a bit smothering, a bit much. I have a habit of being that way with people that I love; I get very consumed with them. That paired with my constant need to fix things and be the be all to everyone; I basically ruined my friendship with M. In those first few months, when I would talk to her, I would be so honest about my feelings about everything; I think it was too much for her to take. I believe that she wanted a more superficial relationship with me at that time but I wasn't seeing it clearly. She stopped returning my phone calls and weeks led to months without us talking. She lived just two blocks away from me but a world apart.
We never talked about it; part of me really didn't want to know what I had done to cause her to sever our friendship, it would hurt too much. I was too afraid to ask.
I know that I did everything that I could for her during that hard time. It was a hard, hard time and perhaps I was just a painful reminder to her just how hard it was. Maybe I was too mournful, too deep, too much. I'm often too much. Too intense.
I've come to terms with it, even though I've never understood it completely. I know that I must have done something to cause her pain, she wouldn't have ended our relationship if it wasn't so; not after everything that I had done for her to stand by her and help her through. I only wish that she could have told me so that I could have tried to fix it. I do that. I try to fix things.
So the sentiments of my being such a good friend were very nice.
Just not deserving.
I thought about my former LBCG.
She's having such a hard time. Sometimes I think she's just spiraling out of control; that nothing makes sense to her anymore. I'm worried about her and the destruction that is going on in her relationships with me and with The Captain. I blame myself for not being strong enough to have let her go a long time ago. I should have done what was best for her; made it easier, just told her it wasn't going to work and goodbye. Then she wouldn't be so tormented about what was the right thing to do, it would have been done for her, and she could have gone back to The Captain and her old life. So much damage has been done that I know if they could ever find their way back to eachother now. I think my former LBCG would be willing to make the sacrifices, but she doesn't know how to let go of her love and connection to me. I guess it kind of comes down to me again; I should do the right thing and just end it all, for good. Force her to get over me and focus on what she needs to do to put her life back together with The Captain. I don't really like being forced into doing that; but I think I've always known it would come down to exactly this.
And that leaves me exactly where I always knew I would be.
Here.
Confused.
Alone.
Scared.
A lot on my mind.
And unable to fucking sleep.
posted by Kathryn at
11:11 AM
8 Comments:
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{RSG}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Sounds like it's one of those days when you could use a big hug. There's a bunch that I want to say, that'll probably sound corny, but it boils down to please don't be so hard on yourself. IMO, the need to take care of others, or fix things, and the concern someone shows for others, is part of what makes someone a really special person. We can't control how others react, or what happens in their life. We can love them (talking about both friends and lovers) and support them in the best way we know how. If it's not right, we can't read their minds if they don't speak to us. It sucks that bad things happen to good people. I wanted to cry when I read what Lisabeth had written about Sarah. I feel really helpless about that, as I sense most of us who've connected with her do. Anyway, I guess I rambled more than I wanted to, and it probably does sound corny, but seriously, please don't be so hard on yourself. {{{{{{RSG}}}}}}
Thank you Sassyfemme. I appreciate your kind words more than you could ever know.
I just want you to know..that I think you are fabulous and those words that we all said to you..WE MEANT THEM...we don't care what you have done or will do or whatever. Just know that you are wonderful. Shit happens in everyone life. You will get through it, you won't always be lonely or scared. You have those 3 beautiful little girls that need you more than anything. You have all of US who also need you. :)
Damn I love your honesty and scorching sense of self.
You're going to to be okay. You know what you need to do to fix you and heal the self.
I love that about you.
Yeah, what Kristine said.
Seriously RSG, I care- and you are in my thoughts.
xxoo
I know it is so, so hard. And I know how easy it is to examine yourself under a critical microscope - but you have to ease up a bit and understand that (after all) you are only human. We ALL have failings and shortcomings. All we can do is stop gnashing our teeth and start putting one foot in front of the other. Maybe we don't know where to head, but so long as we're moving we're making progress. Hang in there, Dear One. It *will* get better. And we still love you. Thanks for posting your insecurities - it reminds us (me) that we aren't the only one(s) out there feeling "less than".
The fact that you hold yourself accountable for so many different people's issues just shows how caring and wonderful you are. You should not be as hard on yourself as you are though. Seriously. I know it's hard, but you have to let other people take some responsibility for their situation (whether it's a choice they had or the luck they were dealt).
No one is perfect, so just try to cut yourself a little slack. And for every thing you *think* you did wrong, just know there are probably 5 things you did right that made a huge impact on other people's lives.
{{{{hugs}}}} you are a good friend and all the comments you do deserve!! Your a good person and definitely seem like a GOOD friend!!!
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