It was a tough week for me and I didn't seem to have any time to really write about it. I've just tried to process through it myself at times when I could; in my car, at night before bed, in the morning before getting up, in my alone moments.

It started ten days ago when I had coffee with my XH to discuss some financial issues. The next day we all (dd's and XH and I) had lunch together at DD#3's soccer party. XH and I got into a discussion which led to his expressing to me some of his thoughts about me and my life.
Very few of those thoughts were of the nice variety.

It's been a year since we split up. Our first anniversary of our divorce will be next week.
It still hurts as much as it did a year ago.
And for some reason I still place so much stock in what he thinks of me, his opinion of me, if he's pleased with me or not. It's been a year, I don't understand why that hasn't disapeared yet. I know that I have hurt him; much more than I thought that I did, why do I feel that I deserve any kind of forgiveness or kindness from him? Why do I want that so much? Haven't I left it behind me, forgiven myself for my misgivings and shortcomings, and tried to be honest and move on? I think I have.
I know I have.

It's been so hard, but I've kept going every day. All of those days that I thought to myself that everyone would just be better off if I dropped dead; I kept going. All of those times that I looked at my children and thought that I didn't deserve to be their mother; I kept going.
I'm still going.
And it's still hard.

Apparently my XH feels that he didn't get a very fair deal when we divorced. I guess I don't deserve the settlement that we agreed on a year ago and it makes him sad to see me "wasting my life waiting for my gravy train to run out."
It makes me sad to know how much he didn't value what I contributed to our family.
He feels that it was unfair that he needed to maintain the "status quo," by continuing to earn a living while going through such a hard time.
I guess my maintaining the "status quo" with our children's lives isn't as important.

I want so much for him to understand and I get caught in a dance of trying to EXPLAIN it all to him like he's going to miraculously just look at me and say, "oh, okay Kathryn, I get it; I understand EXACTLY what you mean."
I need to understand that that is never going to happen. Not now, not ever. Period.

Then after all of that.
He's nice to me.
It confuses me a little but it also makes me feel good and scared at the same time.
I want so much for him to accept me into his life, but I want that mostly for my kids sake, I want them to feel secure that their parents are working together for their happiness and well being.
I also want us to try to salvage a part of our relationship that worked, that was usually really good; our friendship. I pin hopes on that someday we can be friends; although XH says that day will only come when he sees a report on the weather channel that Hell has frozen over.
It scares me because I spent ten years trusting him and putting myself in a vulnerable position only to be disapointed and hurt.
I know I don't need to participate in it anymore; I just don't know how to tell my heart that.

It's quite a dance that people do together.
Especially when they shared a life together and then parted their seperate ways while continuing to raise children together.
It's not quite as elegant as a waltz, or as fun as the electric slide.
I guess it's more like a tango; back and forth, harsh and sweet at the same time.
I suppose I'll figure it out as I go along.
Just like everything else.

I hesitated about writing about this is because I know someone out there that I knew IRL reads this blog; and they report about it to my XH. He says he doesn't read it and I don't know if that's true. He says that someone told him about my blog, who knows if that's the case, but it makes me a bit uncomfortable.
I realized that everyone sees and remembers things through their own perspective; their own eyes, and heart, and mind.
The words that I write here are from my perspective; they are MY feelings the way that I see and experience my life. Yes I share it with my blogging friends on the internet and the people that I invite to read it so it's not really private, but it's meant for good, not evil.
My feelings are my feelings and my thoughts are my thoughts.
I am not a bad person.
I'm just a person who has had a very intense, life changing experience.
And it's my experience. I have the right to process it however I want or need to.
The End.