On my own
The song "On My Own" from Les Miserables has been playing in my head all morning. I took DD's to school this morning and came back to my house and crawled back into bed hoping to go back to sleep. Instead of sleeping, that song kept playing in my head.
I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up between 3:00 and 5:00 am and couldn't go back to sleep.
Thoughts of everything plagued my brain.
I worried about things that are just crazy to worry about.
Like whether or not I got the right mortgage on my house because I read a column by Suze Orman in Oprah Magazine that said I did not.
I worried about my job. Not my glamorous waitressing job but the job that I'm going to have to get in a year and a half to better support myself when my alimony goes down by $500.00 a month.
I worried about the fact that I need to buy a new car within the next two weeks because my lease is up and I need to turn it in by June 4th.
I worried about my XH getting remarried to someone who lives in California and what if he wants to move there and not be near our children. I worried about this because then I would want to move to California so that my DD's could be near their father and my mom would get mad at me because she moved from Pennsylvania to Oregon to move near me two years ago. Would my mom want to move to California? I think not. If this happened and I didn't move, how would I get all of the girls to their soccer games? (This I totally manifested in my brain, I have no idea if my XH is even dating anyone, let alone someone from California, I made it all up.)
Mostly I worried because my relationship with my Lovely But Confused Girlfriend is not going well; and I'm afraid that I'm going to lose her.
I'm worried about being alone.
On my own.
I thought about what I've done. How I changed everything. I thought about my life the way that it used to be when I didn't have so much of this stuff to worry about.
The being alone part.
My biggest fear while I was married to my XH was that he would someday leave me and I would need to raise our children on my own. I was afraid that I would be on my own, without him and need to worry about all of these things that I am now worrying about.
But he didn't leave me.
He wasn't planning on leaving me.
I took my greatest fear and made it come true. But I was the one who made it happen.
I did the worse thing that a woman can do to her husband.
I left him.
For another woman.
And it's not going so well.
Not because we don't love eachother like crazy, because we do. It's just all so hard and so complicated and difficult to understand. I just wish it was easier.
I had a lot of chances to let her go, and she could have gone back to her life the way that it was. There was always something that told me that I should do that. If I loved her, I should force her to try to work things out with her partner. She would be happier I think if I had done that. That is not an option anymore, too much damage has been done. It would have been easier to live with the fact that I made choices and changed my life but that she could go back to her life and be reasonably happy.
Now she's not happy and it's my fault.
She's not happy because we don't know how to quite operate as a couple because things have been so conflicted and chaotic in our lives.
She doesn't like her life and she doesn't know how to change it. I don't know how to help her because I don't really know what she wants. She doesn't know what she wants.
We don't communicate very well in times of strain. All of my old fears and defenses come out and she doesn't know how to handle me. Her frustrations and offenses come out and I don't know how to handle her. We have brought our old modus operandi's with us into our relationship and are unsure how to re-program.
My XH had two emotions in our relationship: love and anger.
If he was angry with me, he didn't show love.
He didn't get hurt, he got mad; and when he got mad he wouldn't talk to me.
I would always try to talk to him, but he wouldn't have it; it would make him more angry that I was trying to talk to him about it, tell him how I felt.
I would try to get to the bottom of his anger, but he would shut me out.
He wouldn't talk to me (it felt like he was punishing me,) and I would worry that he was considering leaving me.
He would get very offensive.
I would get very defensive.
Sometimes he would attack me (often he would attack me,) and I would feel even worse.
After a while, (days sometimes,) he would apologize and go back to loving me again.
There was never any room for any other emotions, (I don't think he had any,) and during the whole "angry" interaction I would feel hurt and abandoned and sad.
That was how we operated for ten years of marriage.
When my LBCG get frustrated, she sounds angry. I feel like she's being offensive, even if it's not directed at me.
I feel like I need to be defensive because that's what I'm used to.
She's used to someone "calming" her down.
Listening to her.
Validating her.
Loving her through the situation.
I don't know how to do that.
I wish I did.
I don't assume good intent. I assume that I'm being attacked and need to defend myself.
It's not a nice quality to have, and I don't know how to change it.
I'm afraid that I'm going to lose her because of it.
And I'll be on my own.
I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up between 3:00 and 5:00 am and couldn't go back to sleep.
Thoughts of everything plagued my brain.
I worried about things that are just crazy to worry about.
Like whether or not I got the right mortgage on my house because I read a column by Suze Orman in Oprah Magazine that said I did not.
I worried about my job. Not my glamorous waitressing job but the job that I'm going to have to get in a year and a half to better support myself when my alimony goes down by $500.00 a month.
I worried about the fact that I need to buy a new car within the next two weeks because my lease is up and I need to turn it in by June 4th.
I worried about my XH getting remarried to someone who lives in California and what if he wants to move there and not be near our children. I worried about this because then I would want to move to California so that my DD's could be near their father and my mom would get mad at me because she moved from Pennsylvania to Oregon to move near me two years ago. Would my mom want to move to California? I think not. If this happened and I didn't move, how would I get all of the girls to their soccer games? (This I totally manifested in my brain, I have no idea if my XH is even dating anyone, let alone someone from California, I made it all up.)
Mostly I worried because my relationship with my Lovely But Confused Girlfriend is not going well; and I'm afraid that I'm going to lose her.
I'm worried about being alone.
On my own.
I thought about what I've done. How I changed everything. I thought about my life the way that it used to be when I didn't have so much of this stuff to worry about.
The being alone part.
My biggest fear while I was married to my XH was that he would someday leave me and I would need to raise our children on my own. I was afraid that I would be on my own, without him and need to worry about all of these things that I am now worrying about.
But he didn't leave me.
He wasn't planning on leaving me.
I took my greatest fear and made it come true. But I was the one who made it happen.
I did the worse thing that a woman can do to her husband.
I left him.
For another woman.
And it's not going so well.
Not because we don't love eachother like crazy, because we do. It's just all so hard and so complicated and difficult to understand. I just wish it was easier.
I had a lot of chances to let her go, and she could have gone back to her life the way that it was. There was always something that told me that I should do that. If I loved her, I should force her to try to work things out with her partner. She would be happier I think if I had done that. That is not an option anymore, too much damage has been done. It would have been easier to live with the fact that I made choices and changed my life but that she could go back to her life and be reasonably happy.
Now she's not happy and it's my fault.
She's not happy because we don't know how to quite operate as a couple because things have been so conflicted and chaotic in our lives.
She doesn't like her life and she doesn't know how to change it. I don't know how to help her because I don't really know what she wants. She doesn't know what she wants.
We don't communicate very well in times of strain. All of my old fears and defenses come out and she doesn't know how to handle me. Her frustrations and offenses come out and I don't know how to handle her. We have brought our old modus operandi's with us into our relationship and are unsure how to re-program.
My XH had two emotions in our relationship: love and anger.
If he was angry with me, he didn't show love.
He didn't get hurt, he got mad; and when he got mad he wouldn't talk to me.
I would always try to talk to him, but he wouldn't have it; it would make him more angry that I was trying to talk to him about it, tell him how I felt.
I would try to get to the bottom of his anger, but he would shut me out.
He wouldn't talk to me (it felt like he was punishing me,) and I would worry that he was considering leaving me.
He would get very offensive.
I would get very defensive.
Sometimes he would attack me (often he would attack me,) and I would feel even worse.
After a while, (days sometimes,) he would apologize and go back to loving me again.
There was never any room for any other emotions, (I don't think he had any,) and during the whole "angry" interaction I would feel hurt and abandoned and sad.
That was how we operated for ten years of marriage.
When my LBCG get frustrated, she sounds angry. I feel like she's being offensive, even if it's not directed at me.
I feel like I need to be defensive because that's what I'm used to.
She's used to someone "calming" her down.
Listening to her.
Validating her.
Loving her through the situation.
I don't know how to do that.
I wish I did.
I don't assume good intent. I assume that I'm being attacked and need to defend myself.
It's not a nice quality to have, and I don't know how to change it.
I'm afraid that I'm going to lose her because of it.
And I'll be on my own.
posted by Kathryn at
10:15 AM
9 Comments:
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Relationships are about learning and growing and changing. Will she stick around long enough to teach you how to love her through anger? Sue and I had to learn a lot about each other... how we each fought and communicated. I taught her how to confront situations and not just pretend like everything was okay when it obviously wasn't. She taught me how to go with the flow more... that having the plan change isn't a crisis and doesn't give me the right to get angry. We just kept talking and learned from each other and now our relationship makes people sick due to its sickening sweetness. :-) So maybe you, too can be nauseatingly happy!
Thank you for using this for exactly what you need it to be...your journal to get this shit out.
Reread what you wrote and make some changes.
*HUG* it's hard I know. Remember I have totally been there.
And 'member "EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT!"
That is a very rough situation to be in and I very much sympathize. We are here for ya when you want to vent. Not sure what I can say that will help, but I am sure you will make the right decision. :)
Sorry things are crappy for ya. As a stranger to your life all I can offer is an ear to listen when your venting. Life is strange...the paths we take and the journey's they lead us on. If you've never been alone-being alone isn't so bad. I think everyone should go through that "alone" phase in their life just one time. Find out who you are-what you want, where you wanna go. If your LBCG is unhappy in her life-that's something she's going to need to work on. Maybe couples counseling would work for you two if ya haven't tried it already.
You only get one shot at living your life...no do-overs...don't worry bout the whatif's and what to do's...you have your children and you have your lovely but confused gf now...be thankful for today-*big hugs*
Ahhhh yes...being alone. I too used to fear it. But, even when I thought I was alone, I figured out that everyone else was still here with me. Friends and family...they never left me alone. I just have more room in my bed now.
Anyway, I think you are so strong for finding the courage to be who you really want to be. To make yourself happy and figuring out that your self worth couldn't be found with XH. Whether your happiness is to be found with LBCG is yet to be determined, but don't lose sight on your inner self. You are truely an amazing person, no matter who is next to your side.
Sigh.
And a hug.
Welcome to the complexities of being queer. As I read the letter last week from the county telling me my marriage was not valid nor recognized by the state, thus they were returning our $60 marriage license fee, I sighed, and remembered. It's complex. And we're all figuring it out as we go. Everyone's experience is going to be different. You're finding your path. Keep on it. You'll make it.
Peace...
Aww..I am sorry you are worrying so fucking much! You are such a great person & mom..I know it has to be scary being on your own now. I bet you never thought you would be. We are all HERE FOR YOU!
WE LOVE YOUR CRAZY ASS and you can vent about your worries anytime here!
My goodness, You guys are so fucking nice. I certainly wasn't expecting such an outpour oflove and support from all of you, my blogging friends on the internet.
I really appreciate your kindness and thank you very much. I am taking everything you said and trying to let it process; I have a lot of things to consider and you all have certainly helped me to hold on.
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