Minutes, Hours, Days
The past several months have just been one heartbreak after another, all leading to where we are today. I hoped that things would turn out differently, that's why I stuck it out.
Everyone told me that I should move on. It had been a year and we were in the same place that we were months before.
You'll find someone else,
You won't be alone forever,
Your side of the bed won't always be empty,
It's not supposed to be this way,
She doesn't know what she wants,
It's not fair to you,
Now you know what that kind of love feels like, you'll find it again,
You deserve more than this,
You deserve someone to love you 24/7.
You'll be okay.
I heard you all. I heard it and understood, but I was never able to move on because I wanted to believe that it would all work out the way that I thought that it should.
And because I love her.
More than I could ever imagine ever loving another person.
I found what my heart had been waiting for my whole life, and even in my lives before. There is no explaining the kind of connection that she and I share; I think that most people go their entire lives without experiencing a fraction of what we've felt.
For a long time it's been leading up to this.
I just never gave up hope.
Never stopped believing that there would just someday be a "switch" and she would be able to move away from her, move on, and move toward me.
She told me yesterday.
Through her tears and sobs and sorrow she told me.
"Kathryn, I love you.
I always have and I always will.
But I love Kelly.
And you need to let me go."
I've always told her that I love her enough to let her go.
I would step aside and let her do whatever she felt that she needed to do. I've always known that she's been tormented; I just hoped she would find a way through it that included me.
Because I'm selfish and want things my own way.
Because I love her and I can't imagine how things are going to be without her in my life in some capacity.
Because she's all I've had this past year; she's been my everything.
My heart.
My soul.
My best friend.
And now I feel like it's all been ripped out of me,
and it hurts so much.
I don't have anyone to come to my rescue, because she was the one who has rescued me.
I have kids to take care of, things to do.
I have my tears, and I have this.
I'll find a way to get through each minute and hour and day,
until I feel a little bit better.
Anyone know how long that takes?
Everyone told me that I should move on. It had been a year and we were in the same place that we were months before.
You'll find someone else,
You won't be alone forever,
Your side of the bed won't always be empty,
It's not supposed to be this way,
She doesn't know what she wants,
It's not fair to you,
Now you know what that kind of love feels like, you'll find it again,
You deserve more than this,
You deserve someone to love you 24/7.
You'll be okay.
I heard you all. I heard it and understood, but I was never able to move on because I wanted to believe that it would all work out the way that I thought that it should.
And because I love her.
More than I could ever imagine ever loving another person.
I found what my heart had been waiting for my whole life, and even in my lives before. There is no explaining the kind of connection that she and I share; I think that most people go their entire lives without experiencing a fraction of what we've felt.
For a long time it's been leading up to this.
I just never gave up hope.
Never stopped believing that there would just someday be a "switch" and she would be able to move away from her, move on, and move toward me.
She told me yesterday.
Through her tears and sobs and sorrow she told me.
"Kathryn, I love you.
I always have and I always will.
But I love Kelly.
And you need to let me go."
I've always told her that I love her enough to let her go.
I would step aside and let her do whatever she felt that she needed to do. I've always known that she's been tormented; I just hoped she would find a way through it that included me.
Because I'm selfish and want things my own way.
Because I love her and I can't imagine how things are going to be without her in my life in some capacity.
Because she's all I've had this past year; she's been my everything.
My heart.
My soul.
My best friend.
And now I feel like it's all been ripped out of me,
and it hurts so much.
I don't have anyone to come to my rescue, because she was the one who has rescued me.
I have kids to take care of, things to do.
I have my tears, and I have this.
I'll find a way to get through each minute and hour and day,
until I feel a little bit better.
Anyone know how long that takes?
posted by Kathryn at
12:15 PM
15 Comments:
(((RSG)))
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know that no matter what you tell yourself about it being for the best, yadda yadda yadda, it hurts like hell.
I'm one of those people who takes a long time to get over breakups, so I won't lie and say it will stop hurting soon. But I will say that, sometime soon, a day will be a little better than the one before. Then each day will be a little better. It might be just a tiny bit better, but it will happen until one day you feel like yourself again.
Keep your thoughts and energy on your beautiful girls, concentrate on getting through one day at time, spend time with your friends and take care of yourself.
Dammit. I hate when my friends hurt. And I hate when things don't turn out the way "we" (I) want them to.
And while I'd love to hook you up with someone to help you forget all this pain, unfortunately you probably need this painful time for growth and inner reflection, to seek out who you are when you're on your own. This, right here, is exactly why I never made the Big Switch. I was never brave enough to go through that process and pain.
Kudos to you for living it. My heart breaks for you. Hang in there, it will get better. :|
*BIG HUGS* If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, it was ment to be. Thats the only little tid bit of advice i can pass along. Hang in there.
oh geez! I am so sorry it has all come to this, I too was hoping she would 'see the light' and be with you......I am sooo sorry, wish I had some advice to make it all better....
>>>>>>>HUGS<<<<<<<<<<
(((((RSG)))))
I'm so sorry. I know you have lots to do, but I understand how it doesn't take your mind off of what you're feeling, what you wish for, what you miss...I remember that's how it was whenever I'd have to go through a break-up when mi hija was little. Sure, there's cleaning, shopping, running your daughters everywhere, but I know that every minute seems like a day...
I wish I could make it go quickly for you. I really do.
Take care, sweetie. We love you and are here to feel as much of it for you as we can.
GOD..I am so sorry honey! I really really am.
I know that you feel like it will never be better but it will. When I was reading this I felt so much because I rememeber being in that kind of pain. God, it is so hard but you ALWAYS make it through. I know you don't want to hear that b/c it totally fucking sucks right now. But you are such a beautiful, wonderful, loving person..you will move on..you will..I lv you and if I can do anything or if you wanna talk, I will shove my kids in the closet and we can talk for HOURS!
We shall go thru this pain with you until you are over it which right now feels like never but one day it will seem like nothing.
Oh RSG, I'm so very sorry that you're hurting so badly right now. I wish I had magic words or a magic wand to help you, but I don't. All I can tell you is that I care, give you a hug, and say I'm sorry you're hurting. Give yourself permission and time to cry and hurt. It's okay to do that, ya know. Be good to yourself right now, too. {{{{{{{RSG}}}}}}}}
Dammit! It sucks (BIG TIME).... and reading your words brings those same feelings back for me.
When two women are together the bond is sooo much stronger. It takes what feels like forever...
Take yourself out to the middle of nowhere and cuss, scream, cry, rant and rave. Yell at her, yell at yourself and say how pissed off you are. It might make you feel better, it worked for me. Repeat whenever necessary.
Take care today,
Sublime
"Hi, Misery!" said she.
"Oh hello there, who are you?" replied Misery as if wondering how this stranger knew her name.
"I'm Company, I thought you remembered me" Company quipped, although it had been a while since they had met last.
And thus, Misery came to love Company, ... and the two shared and grieved and found solace in the knowledge that neither were truly alone.
xxoo
Wow.
Did you know you could write your pain so beautifully?
Nothing that I can say but I am thinking of you. (((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))
Damn- now is the time I really need a funny story to make yourself smile- and I got nothing. Damn Damn Damn
I'm sorry. I wish I could find a way to make it all better.
So sorry, RSG. I wish I could say something comforting, but I always suck at that. So what I WILL say is this... parts of my childhood kind of sucked. The ONLY thing that got me through it was knowing that it wasn't going to be forever. I just kept telling myself, "I'm not going to feel like this forever. This isn't going to be my life forever. I can change my life." You can change your life, too. Maybe not now - but when you're ready. And until you're ready? We're all here ready to listen and to be supportive. Because you rock hardcore, sister - and we love you!! (Plus you have a trip to Cali to look forward to!)
To all of my blog friends:
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your kind words and support.
I appreciate it more than you could ever, ever know.
{{{hugs}}} I'm sorry, I wish I could make it better. Hang in and take care.
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