Judge not, that you shalt not be judged: Matthew 7

My LBCG and I met at church.
She and the Captain and XH and I and all of our kids attended church together. The Captain was in charge of Sunday school and I volunteered regularly. I really adored all of them; LBCG, The Captain, their girls. We also attended church with our good friends and their kids. It was a great time.

Over time, LBCG's and my relationship shifted into something much different than it was. There were a lot of reasons why this happened and way too many to unveil at this particular moment. Whatever the reasons, and whether they were right or wrong or indifferent; it was what it was and what happened, happened.

Once XH and The Captain were aware of mine and LBCG's relationship; our church relationship was going to change. During our divorce, I told XH that I hoped that he would continue to go to church and take the girls. It was their church home and they shouldn't have more of their life disrupted. He has done that for the past year.

LBCG attended that church since she was an infant. She was baptized in that church; her family attended that church for years and years. It was a great loss to her. Our pastor told LBCG that it would be best for her to take a "hiatus" from attending until everyone's feelings settled down. She (our pastor,) didn't have that conversation with me; but she did tell XH that I was no longer welcome.

And for a year, I have not heard from her.
I received no spiritual counseling or guidance or ministering throughout this past year. I suppose I didn't really deserve it but I did expect a little more from the pastor of the church that I was a member, even if I was a sinner.
I got nothing.
I didn't hear from her when I had my emergency gall bladder surgery.
I didn't hear from her when I moved out of my home.
I didn't hear from her when XH and I got divorced.
I didn't hear from her when I had pneumonia.
Nothing.
Nada.
Zilch.

Until last week.

She e-mailed LBCG and called me. Said she was thinking that it's been a year and would we be interested in coming back to church.
Hello?
Is that weird?
We were pushed out; ostrasized if you will. And now, almost a year later, she's extending an invitation to return.

We were both a little bothered and put off by it. We both had our respective conversations with her basically saying the same thing; she wasn't a help to us at all during the hardest times of our life. I told her that I had to grow and learn about myself and accept certain things. I forgave a lot of people in my life that really surprised me, but I'm okay just being me and being on my own right now.

Today I spoke to XH. I asked him if our pastor has spoken to him about it.
He said that she did and that he told her that if I or LBCG attended the church; he would take the children elsewhere. He was already considering it. Apparently the fact the pastor extended the invitation bothered him enough to begin thinking about a new church home for them.
And because the girls are with him on Sunday's; I have no say about it.

He was sure to tell me that "if he wanted to take them to a church that hated gays and lesbians, he could." He followed that statement by saying he wouldn't do that; but I'm sure it was fun for him to go ahead and put that out there.

It still amazes me how much I let him get to me; how much I fall right into his manipulation and his threats. In that fifteen minute conversation he threatened my alimony, threatened to alter my children's spiritual education, and accused me of not "doing anything with my life." He told me he couldn't stand to be around me, didn't trust me, wasn't comfortable around me, and didn't approve of the choices I made in my life. He said that we weren't a family anymore; and that our children were suffering. He had his family with them and I had my family with them; but we were not and never would be a family together.

I burst into tears after that conversation. I remember the feeling so well; I felt that way too often in my marriage with him; worthless, bad, not good enough, empty, sad.
LBCG asked me why I let it get to me; why do I let him "in?"
I tried to explain that I spent ten years loving him,
trusting him, giving myself over to him.
I trusted that he loved me and cared for me, he took care of me, protected me, was there for me. Didn't he know what he was talking about as far as I was concerned? If says I'm a bad person, or I'm irresponsible, or incompetent, a bad friend, a bad mother, or a bitch, or a cunt, then it must be true; because HE was my husband and loved me and cared for me. So what he says, MUST be true; otherwise he wouldn't say it.

I know things are different now. I hurt him, betrayed him. Broke up his family and now cause him financial hardship.
I know I don't deserve anything from him but probably exactly what he gives me; animosity and hostility.
I just wish he was able to see past some of that and remember that there was a time that he loved me. I wish that we could have some assemblance of a relationship that included being friends, and being kind to eachother. That we could remember the part of our relationship that was good and okay.

I suppose only time will help to heal both of our wounds.
Until then, I have to figure out a way to not fall apart everytime I talk to him about something non-superficial. I have to find a way to not allow him to rip apart my heart and tear me down and I have no fucking idea how to do that.