My Nana

(This picture was taken the last time I saw her in August, 2005. With my brother...)

My Nana is probably dying. She is in CCU in a hospital in Pittsburgh and had to be put on a ventilator because she couldn't breathe. She got sick with pneumonia, got better, and then worse. She also has a strep/staff infection and septicitis (I don't know how to spell that...)

Her heart is not doing well and neither are her kidneys and it seems as though everything is kind of just starting the failing process.

She suffers from emphysema (from smoking and living with a three-pack-a-day smoker.) She quit in 1987 but I don't think you can do that kind of damage for that many years and reverse it by quitting.

This is by no means unexpected. She gets sick every year and needs to be hospitalized. We always know that it is inevitable. It is probably just time, and I accept that, and hope that she is okay with it too.

I just returned from putting my mom on a plane to go out there. They will decide when she gets there what to do next. I really hope my mom will be okay.

My Nan and I have unfinished business; which is making this very difficult.

Last month, my asshole cousin Joe

Told my grandmother that I was gay.
That I was trying to "hide" it from her, and that was why I left my XH.
Completely upset her.
Not because I'm gay, but because she felt that everyone in the family was keeping secrets from her.

Well I NEVER spoke to Asshole Joe about any of it, nor to my other boy cousins, nor to his parents, (my aunt and uncle,) because it's none of their fucking business who I am or am not having sex with. I certainly didn't feel that it was necessary to discuss it with my 83 year old grandmother. I mean, come on, how many of you call up your grandmother and say, "Hey granny, I got me a piece of ass last night?" Please, it's completely inappropriate and not okay.

I decided not to talk to her about it because I didn't want to put energy into a place that didn't substantiate it. I thought it would blow over and if she wanted to talk to me about my sex life, I would probably tell her that I wasn't comfortable discussing it with her.

Well now, it seems that I won't have the chance to let it blow over.
And my grandmothers last memories of me will be that I was keeping secrets from her and lying to her; which was not the case at all.

I am perplexed beyond belief WHY my asshole cousine Joe would even think that it was remotely okay to purposely go out of his way to upset our grandmother by passing on to her fourth hand information. The only reason that he knew what he did was because my uncle (his father) was Hell bent that he was going to fly out here to Portland and talk to XH and I and SAVE our marriage. After being exasperated by his insistence, my mother finally said, "Listen, it's no use, Kathryn is a lesbian." I guess he then felt it was necessary to confide in his evil spawn. Asshole. Huge asshole.

When I was leaving XH, I called my grandmother and explained that I wasn't happy and that I was going to leave XH. She supported my decision and said that it was okay. I told her their were many reasons I was leaving, and that many of them were private. She said she respected that.

Now, that's all changed.
And I'm so not pleased about it.
Pissed.
And sad too.
Mostly sad.

Send her good energy bloggers. Her name is Margery Kathryn.