As always,

you guys rock.

Thank you for your support and love and concern.
I'm okay, I really am.

It's amazing to me how putting some time and distance between yourself and a situation allows so much clarity and understanding. I've understood a lot of things about myself and about my relationship during these past six weeks or so, and even before. I've known for a long time, and it just took a few specific events to understand that what I had and what I wanted were on opposite ends of the spectrum.

If you have been a reader of my blog then you are well aware of the dynamics of that relationship and how those dynamics have been viciously cycling for over a year.
Over a year is too long and I couldn't do it anymore.
I know that she probably feels that I should have waited longer,
but it was over a year.
Over a year of my life that I spent upset and stressed and sad and unsafe and sometimes paralyzed over fifty percent of the time.
A year that I can never get back.

Was it all bad? Am I saying it was all terrible?
Of course not.
But I was not happy, and truthfully neither was she; because she was unable to move on, and without moving on, you're just not going anywhere.
I wanted to go somewhere.
And I'm going to go somewhere now.
Forward.

I loved her very much and all of those feelings and connections were real and valid and true.
It had nothing to do with how we felt about eachother.
It was the inability to do anything ELSE with our togetherness than to just feel that way.

All of this time, it was my opinion, and my thoughts that what she really wanted was to have her "relationship" with The Captain, and her "connection" with me. Unfortunately, that scenario just doesn't work in my and The Captains life.
Because of her inability to let go of that desire to walk in those two worlds, it put just a wee bit of strain on our ability to move into any other kind of relationship.

I'm eternally grateful for her support and love and for showing me a kind of love that I didn't know existed. Her love and our relationship changed who I am, and who I will be in the future, by allowing me to experience true love. Now, I'll be able to recognize it again if it happens to come my way.

The negative lesson I learned was realizing that I really am deserving of having someone truly and completely love me and want to be with me; I'll never sell myself short of that again. I'll never put up with waiting for someone, I'll never allow myself or my relationship to be disrespected, and I'll never allow myself to be second to anyone, ever.

I spent way too many years in relationships with people not being happy. I'm so over and done with that. Maybe it's bad, but I absolutely won't put up with it anymore, I'd rather be alone than to be with someone who makes me feel bad.

That's it.
I can already smell the negative comments and the hate mail. (I'm a narcissist, I don't care about anyone but myself, I'm heartless, I'm a bitch...)
Bring it on I guess, that's why I waited to talk about this until I processed it to a place where I felt okay about everything that had happened.

To the other 99% of you, I heart you bitches (that includes Gregg and Hippo too...)
Ciao.