The Trailblazer

When I went through my divorce, most of my friends scattered into the wind. I was too much for them to deal with and they didn't want to be labeled as "taking sides" with me or supporting the horrible thing that I did to my family. These were all people that I had shared a lot with through the years and have shared a lot with me. They were women (and men,) who endured their own heartache in their own relationships, and many of them weren't any happier than I was.

Looking back at those people and the lives that they live, often I compare what they endure and what I endured in my own marriage. None of these people are presently in my life, but when they were, I held their hands and tried to help them through their own difficult times.

One of those friends described her marriage as an "emotional divorce." Without sex, without intimacy, without anything except financial support. Early in their relationship he forced her (by giving her an ultimatum,) to terminate a pregnancy and only married her because she wanted a commitment or was moving on. I have also always suspected that he is gay.

Another friend and her husband were playing around wrestling one day early in their marriage, he did something rough (in fun,) she slapped him, he broke her arm. More than one of my friends have never had an orgasm with their husbands. One has a husband who is addicted to pornography, one drinks too much and has been physically rough with their young son when drunk. One has a significant depression and anxiety as well as a drug and alcohol problem that has debilitated him for years. One friend is bi-polar (undiagnosed,) and has practically bankrupted her family several times by shopping during her manic phases. A lot of my friends have spouses who are extremely controlling with time and money; more than one woman I know has to ask her husband "permission" before buying anything or making plans with anyone, or even cutting their hair. Some of them have "rules" about grocery shopping and keeping receipts for things and not buying things for the children unless it's planned for. One of the aforementioned husbands makes his wife bring him the grocery receipt and the change and makes sure she doesn't buy anything they don't "need."

You think I live in a trailer park???
No, I do not. I live in one of the most expensive, suburban towns in Oregon with lots of "normal" people who drive luxury SUV's with dvd players and navigation systems, with second homes in the mountains or at the beach, who are are members of the PTA, the school board and the City Counsel.

I had a lot of problems in my own relationship,
I fell in love with someone else,
became a lesbian
and left my husband.
I'm considered "scandalous!"
So be it.

In the year since my divorce I have mostly kept to myself and only talk to my former friends and acquaintances when at a kid sports event or school function. I answer their questions as honestly as I can and from my perspective. I've missed the commaradity that we used to share, but I also realized how much energy they all took from me, and how toxic many of them were to my life. Not all of them, but some.

Now it's a year later and several of those same people are now going through their own divorces, (big surprise people...)
And all of a sudden.
I'm the "go-to" girl to lend an ear and support.
I don't mind really, but secretly a part of me wonders where the hell they all were when I was going through my divorce.

Going through something like that alone and without support would be the yuckiest thing ever.
I know this from experience.
And I don't wish that on anyone, so I'll be there to help when needed.

Without my mom, my LBCG, my friends Darcy and Angie, (whom I met after leaving XH,) Shelly and Angie, and my blog friends, I don't think I would have survived.
I KNOW I wouldn't have survived.
And no, my former friends weren't there for me, but I will be there for them the best that I can, because I'm the trailblazer.

Yep, that's me.
The gay-divorcee-trailblazer.

***I still want the lurkers to de-lurk...see post below!***