Spring Break
Oh, it's Spring Break. The kids are home from school and the sounds of their blissful happiness fills the house. The romp through the house playing with eachother, happilly expressing their deep sisterly love for each other. Okay, actually their fighting and bugging me about "what are we going to do?" but it's nice to imagine otherwise.
It's been a rough week and sometimes I get so wrapped up in things being rough it's hard for me to express myself through writing. I can't get passed my overwhelming confusion and complete inability to clear my head; I feel as though my brain is unable or unwilling to process anything right now. One minute I think I have a handle on things and the way that they should be, other times I'm completely confused again. A lot of times I just want to escape from it because it all hurts so much; I do that in a lot of ways, reading, surfing the internet, talking on the phone, going out, drinking too much, smoking cigarettes, shopping, sex. I don't know what I need anymore; I don't know what the best solution is to this problem.
Oh, what's the problem? Well it's like this...my girlfriend can't decide if she wants to be with me or if she wants to try to find a way to work things out with her wife. She goes back and forth like moving between two dimensions of reality. When she's with me, I'm all she wants. When she's with Kelly, she wants Kelly. When she's alone, I'm not sure what she wants, maybe she wants us both when she's alone. I don't know anymore. I feel like she escapes from dealing with her feelings about Kelly by being with me. She says that I'm the only thing that makes her feel good, and that's probably true, but where does that leave me? It leaves me unsure, confused, upset, hurt, insecure, and feeling bad about myself in a lot of ways. I tell her this, and she gets mad. It just seems to viciously circle around in an very unhealthy way and that is the last thing that I need right now.
But, alas, here I am and I guess it's just up to me to figure it all out. I know that she doesn't want to lose me; I don't want to lose her, but I need to let go and let her figure this all out. I have no intentions of running away and marrying the first woman that gives me attention (unless it's Shane from the L Word, Angelina Jolie, or Gwen Stefani.) She wants me to guarantee that I will wait for her, I did make her that promise, a long time ago, and I've kept it, but how long do I wait? A week, a month, a year? That's where it gets confusing.
Today though, I need to take care of my kids and get them to stop fighting and asking me what we are going to do!
It's been a rough week and sometimes I get so wrapped up in things being rough it's hard for me to express myself through writing. I can't get passed my overwhelming confusion and complete inability to clear my head; I feel as though my brain is unable or unwilling to process anything right now. One minute I think I have a handle on things and the way that they should be, other times I'm completely confused again. A lot of times I just want to escape from it because it all hurts so much; I do that in a lot of ways, reading, surfing the internet, talking on the phone, going out, drinking too much, smoking cigarettes, shopping, sex. I don't know what I need anymore; I don't know what the best solution is to this problem.
Oh, what's the problem? Well it's like this...my girlfriend can't decide if she wants to be with me or if she wants to try to find a way to work things out with her wife. She goes back and forth like moving between two dimensions of reality. When she's with me, I'm all she wants. When she's with Kelly, she wants Kelly. When she's alone, I'm not sure what she wants, maybe she wants us both when she's alone. I don't know anymore. I feel like she escapes from dealing with her feelings about Kelly by being with me. She says that I'm the only thing that makes her feel good, and that's probably true, but where does that leave me? It leaves me unsure, confused, upset, hurt, insecure, and feeling bad about myself in a lot of ways. I tell her this, and she gets mad. It just seems to viciously circle around in an very unhealthy way and that is the last thing that I need right now.
But, alas, here I am and I guess it's just up to me to figure it all out. I know that she doesn't want to lose me; I don't want to lose her, but I need to let go and let her figure this all out. I have no intentions of running away and marrying the first woman that gives me attention (unless it's Shane from the L Word, Angelina Jolie, or Gwen Stefani.) She wants me to guarantee that I will wait for her, I did make her that promise, a long time ago, and I've kept it, but how long do I wait? A week, a month, a year? That's where it gets confusing.
Today though, I need to take care of my kids and get them to stop fighting and asking me what we are going to do!
posted by Kathryn at
10:39 AM
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