Ask RSG

As I mentioned, for my second year of blogging I wanted to focus on a few specific things. One of those being my experience as a recovering straight girl.

At least once a week, I receive an e-mail from a woman somewhere in cyberspace who lets me know that she is also an RSG, or thinks she might be. Usually she is struggling with some of her emotions about it, sometimes she has already moved towards recovery. But they're out there.
Lots of them.
Lots of women who are wondering about who they are.

So, I will share with those who may be interested (all four of you...) MY experience with being a recovering straight girl and the journey that has brought me to where I am today. I will begin with one of the most frequently asked questions that I get:

"How didn't you know that you were gay for all of that time?"

It's a great question and one I continue to ask myself quite often. I can tell you that there were plenty of markers along the road that I either ignored or accepted as perfectly rational heterosexual behavior and thinking. I am certain that a lot of seemingly straight women have similar thoughts and feelings and also dismiss them as not really meaning anything. Perhaps they do, perhaps they don't. I guess that's an individual determination to decide for that person what certain "markers" mean to them.

Most of my "markers" were emotional ones, although earlier ones were sexual as well. As an adolescent I was very sexual and discovered my body at an early age. I read a lot of books (adult ones) and some of them included lesbian sex. I remember being very stimulated from reading about it but always dismissed it because I never even considered that maybe I was a lesbian as well.

Emotionally, I was always VERY (and I mean very,) wrapped up in my friends and wanted to always be with them. They meant the absolute world to me and I forged very deep meaningful emotionally connected relationships with my friends. In high school I would spend practically every night with my best friend, we slept together, showered together, did everything together (except have sex...) This kind of emotional attachment to women carried through my adult life right up to my falling in love with my best friend, (my LBCXG.) I even believe that part of my work with birth and as a doula was satisfying a deep emotional need for intimacy with women.

It's no secret that I have a thing for Gwen Stefani. I used to write in my journal about her, I could hear the pain in the music that she wrote, and I dreamt of having her in my life and loving her in the way that she deserved to be loved. Yes people, I did this as an adult!!!
On one of my birthdays (33, I think,) my XH had a party for me. No Doubt was playing in Portland that night and I announced to everyone at my party (after a few martinis) that the only thing that would make my evening better would be if Gwen Stefani pulled up and asked me to run away with her.
Everyone laughed.
I guess I was serious.

About thirteen years ago after drinking a lot of beer, I told one of my friends (who shall remain nameless,) that I was interested in experimenting with being with a girl. She shot me down and said it would "ruin our friendship..." That may have saved me then, and I now blame her for 12 years of bad sex!

I was extremely turned on by that scene in Basic Instinct where Sharon Stone is dancing with her girlfriend at a nightclub. Her girlfriend is dancing behind her, rubbing up against her.
God, I loved that scene.
I remembered that scene the first time I went dancing at a lesbian bar. I felt so exhilarated, like I had a small dream come true.

Porn movies.
I always LOVED, and I mean LOVED the scenes of girls together. There was one particular movie and I don't remember who made it but it was all girls, very sensual, very non-porn like, very beautiful scenery and beautiful women with beautiful lingerie.
XH found it boring and didn't want to watch it.
I would have watched it over and over again.

I saw KD Lang in concert and thought it was the best concert I had ever been too. Yes, I was wearing a bow in my hair and was a little afraid of all of the lesbians (shut up Woos,) but when I was pregnant with DD#3, I wanted to name her KD, like KD Lang.

One of the things that I asked myself while I was wondering was, "If I could have sex with no strings attached, no one would know, with either a really hot girl or a really hot guy, which one would it be?" I always answered, the girl. I always knew I would never, ever, ever cheat on my husband with a guy. I did cheat on him with a girl. I suppose that may just make me a bad person, but it was very telling about what I needed.

Finally, I just never, ever felt safe in any relationship that I ever had with a man, (and there were quite a few...)
I didn't realize how unsafe I had felt until I had an intimate experience with a woman.
Then it all became clear to me like a lightbulb went off for me and I was able to see EVERYTHING for the first time in my life.

It just all felt right, like all of my life I was missing something and didn't know what it was. Kind of like you feel like you're forgetting something, but can't put your finger quite on what it is that you're missing.
I was missing being gay, and didn't even know it.

In some ways, I regret not having figured it out before. I can't even imagine how much more fun I would have had in my younger years if I had been sleeping with girls instead of boys!

But I know that all things come into fruition in their own time, and I can't question why my life unfolded the way that it did, I can only be grateful that it did indeed unfold for me and I was willing and open to those possibilities as they presented themselves to me.

Especially now.
I feel as though everything in my life, every hard thing, every difficult relationship, every moment of sadness and suckiness has prepared me for this time in my life, right now.
This time in my life that I have never, ever known this kind of happiness and joy.
I've never been more grateful and appreciative.
Ever.

So the markers were there, but obviously I had other experiences that I needed to live through in order to "know" who I was.
And now I know.

My advice to any woman out there who is questioning is this:
Don't be afraid, just go with it.
If you're in a situation that you can experiment without hurting anyone (ie, you're not in a committed relationship with someone,) you should do that.
If you aren't in a situation that you can experiment, you should really try to search yourself and ask yourself what your feelings mean to you. If they are so super strong that you need to figure it out, you should communicate that with your partner (if you can,) and search that part of you.
You won't regret figuring it out; no matter what the answer is.

This ends the first installment of Ask RSG.
If you have a question, e-mail me and I'll address it.
Ciao y'all.

***RSG's afterthought:
I failed to mention the erotic sexual dreams that I would have where I was having sex with women. Now, in the dreams, I was a man, but I now believe that it was just my form of reference at the time.