Compromised Emotional Constitution
I decided some things today.
The first thing that I decided is that I have a Compromised Emotional Constitution.
You know when someone has an immunity problem and they can't be around kids with colds and shit because they'll get sick? Well I have that same problem, except that I am Emotionally Immune Compromised. My Emotional Constitution is so compromised that the second I'm exposed to some kind of emotional trauma, everything just goes straight to Hell.
That's where I've been the last two days.
I've taken some time to give some thought to my FUCKED up life and I have come to some conclusions.
I spent the the last two days crying. Sobbing at times. Feeling depressed and sad. It all sucked. I had to try to fake my way through some of it, (yesterday being my daughter's birthday and all.)
Also I had to go to Parent Teacher Conferences with my XH and my children and sit there and listen to how great my kids are and look around at all of the other families and how NORMAL that they are. Okay, I know that there not really normal, they're just as normal as my family was, and we weren't all that happy. But all of those women didn't suddenly become LESBIANS and change everything about their lives. Stupid bitches. If they had, then I wouldn't be such a fucking freak.
So what did I conclude, you ask?
I concluded that it just doesn't make any sense feeling all depressed and dwelling and crying about how things COULD have been, or WERE at times, or WEREN'T at other times, and if I should have tried to make it better and all of that other stupid fucking bullshit.
The fact of the matter is that I fell madly in love with my LBCG and the moment that we kissed for the first time, everything in my life changed. I could not have stopped what happened between us even if I had wanted to; it was a hopeless case of instant love and attraction that was so much more powerful than the reason that you would think two mature adult women would posess.
Everything changed in a moment, everything.
Not just because of her, or because of what was lacking in my relationship, but because of ME.
I'm just one big, full-on, girl-loving, pussy-loving, dyke and that's just the way it is. No amount of looking back and playing "what if" or "if only" is going to change that.
The other thing that I concluded is this:
My LBCG and I have been through a LOT in the past ten months. We have dealt with so much emotional crap that it's a miracle that either of us is still living and breathing. A year ago we were both in what we thought were happy relationships, raising our kids, and going to church. Now we are both split from our partners, working for the first time in years, taking care of ourselves on our own, co-parenting our children with our ex's, AND dealing with the tremendous amount of guilt and trepidation that I just spoke of, on a regular basis.
We are trying to build a relationship with eachother amongst all of that chaos and confusion and turmoil. It's amazing that we have made it this far.
I don't think that any two people in the world could get through what we have gone through in recent months and have their relationship be completely easy and smooth. We need to give eachother a break and try to figure out to help eachother through the bullshit and not destroy what we have in the meantime.
And we do have a lot.
I love my LBCG so fucking much. When I am with her I feel like all of the chaos stops. When she is near me, I can feel energy moving from me, to her, and back to me. When she touches me, my body feels like it is melting, when she smiles at me, I feel like the darkness in my world is lit up. When I hear her laugh, all is well in the universe, and when I think of her, I feel good all over.
And I know that she feels the same way about me.
That's enough to get us through the turmoil, as bad as the turmoil is; we just need to try to ride out the storm. It may defy logic and understanding to someone looking from the outside in, but to us, we know that we can't let go of what we have right now, because what we have right now is what is helping us to survive.
The first thing that I decided is that I have a Compromised Emotional Constitution.
You know when someone has an immunity problem and they can't be around kids with colds and shit because they'll get sick? Well I have that same problem, except that I am Emotionally Immune Compromised. My Emotional Constitution is so compromised that the second I'm exposed to some kind of emotional trauma, everything just goes straight to Hell.
That's where I've been the last two days.
I've taken some time to give some thought to my FUCKED up life and I have come to some conclusions.
I spent the the last two days crying. Sobbing at times. Feeling depressed and sad. It all sucked. I had to try to fake my way through some of it, (yesterday being my daughter's birthday and all.)
Also I had to go to Parent Teacher Conferences with my XH and my children and sit there and listen to how great my kids are and look around at all of the other families and how NORMAL that they are. Okay, I know that there not really normal, they're just as normal as my family was, and we weren't all that happy. But all of those women didn't suddenly become LESBIANS and change everything about their lives. Stupid bitches. If they had, then I wouldn't be such a fucking freak.
So what did I conclude, you ask?
I concluded that it just doesn't make any sense feeling all depressed and dwelling and crying about how things COULD have been, or WERE at times, or WEREN'T at other times, and if I should have tried to make it better and all of that other stupid fucking bullshit.
The fact of the matter is that I fell madly in love with my LBCG and the moment that we kissed for the first time, everything in my life changed. I could not have stopped what happened between us even if I had wanted to; it was a hopeless case of instant love and attraction that was so much more powerful than the reason that you would think two mature adult women would posess.
Everything changed in a moment, everything.
Not just because of her, or because of what was lacking in my relationship, but because of ME.
I'm just one big, full-on, girl-loving, pussy-loving, dyke and that's just the way it is. No amount of looking back and playing "what if" or "if only" is going to change that.
The other thing that I concluded is this:
My LBCG and I have been through a LOT in the past ten months. We have dealt with so much emotional crap that it's a miracle that either of us is still living and breathing. A year ago we were both in what we thought were happy relationships, raising our kids, and going to church. Now we are both split from our partners, working for the first time in years, taking care of ourselves on our own, co-parenting our children with our ex's, AND dealing with the tremendous amount of guilt and trepidation that I just spoke of, on a regular basis.
We are trying to build a relationship with eachother amongst all of that chaos and confusion and turmoil. It's amazing that we have made it this far.
I don't think that any two people in the world could get through what we have gone through in recent months and have their relationship be completely easy and smooth. We need to give eachother a break and try to figure out to help eachother through the bullshit and not destroy what we have in the meantime.
And we do have a lot.
I love my LBCG so fucking much. When I am with her I feel like all of the chaos stops. When she is near me, I can feel energy moving from me, to her, and back to me. When she touches me, my body feels like it is melting, when she smiles at me, I feel like the darkness in my world is lit up. When I hear her laugh, all is well in the universe, and when I think of her, I feel good all over.
And I know that she feels the same way about me.
That's enough to get us through the turmoil, as bad as the turmoil is; we just need to try to ride out the storm. It may defy logic and understanding to someone looking from the outside in, but to us, we know that we can't let go of what we have right now, because what we have right now is what is helping us to survive.
posted by Kathryn at
2:27 PM
7 Comments:
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
In my opinion it doesn't matter if it's two men/women/man and a woman (possibilities are endless here) raising children and going to school functions as long as it's a supportive nuturing enviroment for the child. Who cares if yer a lesbian...as long as your a loving lesbian to your child...I don't think yer a freak if that helps..and I'mma mom. Sometimes it takes people a lifetime to find what you've found in the past 10 months...and what a great example is that to show your child-love has no boundaries...nothin freaky bout that.
((Hugs)) to you. You have, indeed, been through a lot. I hope that you and your LBCG can work through this. If it doesn't work out, you will still survive. I can't imagine the turmoil and changes you've been through, and I honor your strength for getting this far along the journey. Blessings.
butterfly,
Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for linking! I thank you for your kind, kind words!
Wow - what a story, RSG! It makes me think of something from 20 years ago that I'd almost forgotten:
When I was married to my straight ex, some friends we knew when he was stationed overseas were divorced because Darla realized she is a lesbian. My ex said, "that must be awful for Randy - I mean, how do you compete with that?" Compete?!? For fuck's sake marriage is not about competition! One weekend, I was pissed off because my ex had arranged for friends from out of town to visit for 3-4 days (without consulting me, of course), and I didn't feel like sticking around to be their little hostess cooking all the meals, serving drinks, etc. So I called Darla and asked if mi hija and I could visit - it had been 2 years since I'd seen Darla and her son (who was now 5). She said, rather nervously, "you know that Terri and I aren't /just/ roommates." I told her I knew all that, but she is still the same Darla, and I missed her and her son and I looked forward to meeting Terri. So my daughter and I roadtripped to Cleveland and, just as I'd anticipated, we had an absolutely fantastic time - just like visitng any of my married friends. They even gave up their bed for mi hija (then 3 years old) and me! Not just normal, but absolutely so kind and generous!
The freaks are the ones who think you're a freak. They're jealous because you have the courage to be who you are. I'm so sorry that some depression and crying goes with it...being honest shouldn't be so painful. I'm thinking about you and praying it will get easier.
p.s. sorry for the fucking verbose post :-\
No one's family is "normal" and you are not a freak. You're one strong lady! It takes a lot of courage to say to the world, "This is who I am. Take it or leave it." Most people people are too chicken to do that.
Isn't it nice to just be who you are. You don't have to be anyone that you don't want to be anymore EVER again. That has to be a fabulous feeling. What a great story. I hope that you cheer up and recognize how wonderful you are! *Big Pissy Hug* to you!
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home