All about me

Well it is all about me, in my world anyway.

I was thinking while I was in the shower that I really like reading personal stuff about people on their blogs. It's really a sick world we live in now, isn't it? We're such voyeurs, it's so fucking great!

Anyway, I thought I would post a few things that you always wanted to not know about me:

1. I really do think that the world revolves around me. I keep trying to tell the people in my life (especially my children,) that the sooner they figure that out, the happier we will all be.
2. I really do think that I've been a lesbian my whole life, but society failed me by shoving me into a mold of the person that I should be. And I, the compliant girl that I am, went along with it. I blame society for twenty years of mediocre sex. So now, I'm in recovery, desperately trying to follow the Recovering Straight Girls 12 Steps to Becoming a Lesbian
3. I love white cotton perfect fit t-shirts from Old Navy. I would wear them every single day if people didn't think I was weird for doing so.
4. I'm aways late. Always. Not by much, I just like to push the envelope ever so slightly. Maybe I'll be two minutes late, maybe five, more like ten, but I'm almost always late. It's my signature if you will.
5. I have two dogs. One who barks all of the time, and one who is the demon seed of all dogs. They are both old and will probably die soon, and when that happens, I will be sad. I will be sad because it will be too quiet in my house and I won't have anyone to yell at, "Get the hell off of the table you stupid fucking dog!"
6. I let my children swear in my presence but they are expressly forbidden from swearing in front of other people and especially not in front of strangers.
   They may not, however, burp in my presence. I do have some boundaries.
   In addition to allowing them to swear, I let them listen to whatever kind of music they want, including the new Gwen Stefani CD where she says "It's my shit..." I don't believe in censoring music and the same rule applies as to swearing; only in private, never in front of others.
7. I don't eat beef or partially hydrogenated soybean oil.
   I don't eat beef for health, political, environmental and social reasons, although I do occasionally cheat, shhh, don't tell anyone.
   I don't eat the partially hydrogenated soybean oil because that stuff will fucking kill you.
   My family has a long line of people having heart attacks because they eat like crap. My father had a heart attack and quadruple by-pass surgery at age 47, that's only 11 years away for me.
   I better get better health insurance.
8. I like to sleep... a lot. I prefer to sleep about 9-10 hours a night and then have a nap in the afternoon. My natural body clock is to stay up until midnight and sleep until 9:00 or 10:00 in the morning. After my coffee, I'm usually ready for a rest. Unfortunately this schedule is not condusive to raising three children and having a full-time job, (I don't have the latter as of yet.)
9. I used to have a lot of friends. I was very popular and people really, really liked me.
   That all changed when I became a lesbian and decided to divorce my husband. (Well actually, he decided to divorce me, but I went along with it.) After that, I quickly declined in the popularity polls, and most of my friends became my former friends.
10. I'm a doula, (pronounced doo-la, a greek word for woman's servant) I help couples when they are having a baby and I'm quite good at it. Unfortunately after going through a mid-life crisis, becoming a lesbian, and getting divorced, I have kind of become completely burnt out on the whole doula thing. I may go back to it at a later date, but for now I'm limiting my practice to just repeat clients.
11. I'm a procrastinator. I'm procrastinating right now. I should be doing something else.
12. I have three amazing daughters whom I love but they also drive me out of my mind a lot of the time. The problem with them is that they are way too much like me.
    My oldest daughter knows everything. She's ten. She knows everything. How does that happen? Is she some kind of spiritual prodigy sent to the world as a prophet of some kind because she understands the world better than her mother does? Yes, that must be it, that would explain it.
    My middle daughter is so dramatic about everything. Today she threw a screaming fit because I told her that she should think about brushing her hair before going to school. She flipped out and said that I was RUDE and EMBARESSED her, (no one else was present during my outrageous statement mind you.)
    My younger daughter cracks me up. She is six and says things like, "No offense," and "Actually, I think I would rather..." She finds kindergarten boring, but she still likes The Wiggles. She also reads and does math and is quite brilliant. She loves to play sports and just started T-Ball which is pretty hilarious to see.
13. I live in the suburbs. I'm surrounded by suburban socialites who work out and have their nails done on a regular basis. They like to attend Pampered Chef parties, play bunco and complain about their husbands and their children's teachers. They all drive SUV's or mini-vans and their hair usually looks nice. They volunteer in their children's classrooms on a regular basic, sign up their children for EVERYTHING available from piano to soccer to Latin to horseback riding and then complain about their busy schedules.
    I used to be one of them.
    I volunteered too much. I was on the board of directors for every fucking project I was ever involved in. I was the "go-to" girl of the suburbs.
    I was miserable and so are they.
    I now live a very scaled down version of my former self, I've eliminated a lot of it. Primarily the husband, the money, the financial security and the bunco.
    I'm so much happier!