Big fucking downer
Just a warning; there is probably nothing funny about my post, I feel like shit, read at your own risk.
I told my Lovely, but confused girlfriend that I was hurt that she didn't include me in her decision making to consider putting an offer on a house. I thought it was a little odd considering how upset she was with me on Sunday for not including her in the decision making regarding our evening dinner plans.
She went ballistic on me.
Yes, I am a drama queen, but she really did go ballistic. I had to hold the phone away from my ear because she was yelling at me so loud. She said she had a bad day and didn't need to be dealing with someone else's feelings and thoughts about what she was doing in her life. She yelled at me in a way that she has never, ever yelled at me before. Granted; she had a very bad day at work and claims that she had a very short fuse, but it was pretty awful nonetheless. I felt like she slapped me in the face for expressing my feelings about the situation.
I was completely hurt and sad, and frankly, felt a bit abused.
I dropped it and we hung up the phone.
I figured that she would call me back after she realized what a big bitch that she was being and would apologize to her recovering straight girlfriend that she loves so much.
That's not so much what happened.
When she did call later she explained that she had a bad day, apologized for yelling at me and said that she WAS planning on including me in the decision making regarding the offer on the house.
But because she was so angry with me, she did not.
She made the offer on the house anyway, without considering me, because she was mad. She said that she was so mad at me, she just didn't care, even though she knew that it would hurt me more if she went ahead without talking to me.
I guess I know where I stand.
The conversation then became even more non-productive that included a lot of yucky things like how I only think of my own feelings, not hers, I look for things to get mad at her about, something about my being "self-righteous" (I admit to that one,)and maybe we just shouldn't be together.
So, I guess we're not together.
I keep trying to replay in my mind where I went wrong.
The only thing that I can come up with is that I shouldn't have told her that I was hurt. I guess that's what started this whole chain of events that has led us to apparently ending our relationship.
Like I said in my last post, it must be me.
I must just bring out the worst in people; I seem to have done that in every relationship I've ever been in, I make people mad and they yell at me, I get hurt and sad and feel bad, we make up, and it starts all over again. I'm just a relationship fuck- up I guess.
Maybe the karmic universal lesson here is that I just shouldn't involve myself in other peoples lives, I disenigrate relationships and drive people to do and say things that they wouldn't ordinarily do.
I'm very complicated and operate on a very high frequency where I see and hear and feel and taste things on a level that most people don't. I've never met anyone who was able to handle me. I thought that my lovely, but confused girlfriend was THE ONE who could, but it's certainly not looking that way.
She says that she loves me with all of her heart and soul. I believe that she does, but not in every aspect of her life. She loves me with all of her heart and soul when she is in my presence, when she's in my arms, when she's in my bed. That all encompassing love does not travel outside of that part of our life, which is why she has been unable to let go of her past relationship with her ex or be able to move into a place where she can build a life WITH me.
I really want more than that.
I deserve more than that.
I wanted more than that with her, but it doesn't seem like she is willing or able to do that.
I've waited for almost ten months.
The waiting really hurts, and makes me feel bad.
I guess I don't have to wait anymore, it doesn't look good for the recovering straight girl and her lovely, but confused girlfriend.
Told you it was a downer post.
Now, move on, and find something fun to read.
I told my Lovely, but confused girlfriend that I was hurt that she didn't include me in her decision making to consider putting an offer on a house. I thought it was a little odd considering how upset she was with me on Sunday for not including her in the decision making regarding our evening dinner plans.
She went ballistic on me.
Yes, I am a drama queen, but she really did go ballistic. I had to hold the phone away from my ear because she was yelling at me so loud. She said she had a bad day and didn't need to be dealing with someone else's feelings and thoughts about what she was doing in her life. She yelled at me in a way that she has never, ever yelled at me before. Granted; she had a very bad day at work and claims that she had a very short fuse, but it was pretty awful nonetheless. I felt like she slapped me in the face for expressing my feelings about the situation.
I was completely hurt and sad, and frankly, felt a bit abused.
I dropped it and we hung up the phone.
I figured that she would call me back after she realized what a big bitch that she was being and would apologize to her recovering straight girlfriend that she loves so much.
That's not so much what happened.
When she did call later she explained that she had a bad day, apologized for yelling at me and said that she WAS planning on including me in the decision making regarding the offer on the house.
But because she was so angry with me, she did not.
She made the offer on the house anyway, without considering me, because she was mad. She said that she was so mad at me, she just didn't care, even though she knew that it would hurt me more if she went ahead without talking to me.
I guess I know where I stand.
The conversation then became even more non-productive that included a lot of yucky things like how I only think of my own feelings, not hers, I look for things to get mad at her about, something about my being "self-righteous" (I admit to that one,)and maybe we just shouldn't be together.
So, I guess we're not together.
I keep trying to replay in my mind where I went wrong.
The only thing that I can come up with is that I shouldn't have told her that I was hurt. I guess that's what started this whole chain of events that has led us to apparently ending our relationship.
Like I said in my last post, it must be me.
I must just bring out the worst in people; I seem to have done that in every relationship I've ever been in, I make people mad and they yell at me, I get hurt and sad and feel bad, we make up, and it starts all over again. I'm just a relationship fuck- up I guess.
Maybe the karmic universal lesson here is that I just shouldn't involve myself in other peoples lives, I disenigrate relationships and drive people to do and say things that they wouldn't ordinarily do.
I'm very complicated and operate on a very high frequency where I see and hear and feel and taste things on a level that most people don't. I've never met anyone who was able to handle me. I thought that my lovely, but confused girlfriend was THE ONE who could, but it's certainly not looking that way.
She says that she loves me with all of her heart and soul. I believe that she does, but not in every aspect of her life. She loves me with all of her heart and soul when she is in my presence, when she's in my arms, when she's in my bed. That all encompassing love does not travel outside of that part of our life, which is why she has been unable to let go of her past relationship with her ex or be able to move into a place where she can build a life WITH me.
I really want more than that.
I deserve more than that.
I wanted more than that with her, but it doesn't seem like she is willing or able to do that.
I've waited for almost ten months.
The waiting really hurts, and makes me feel bad.
I guess I don't have to wait anymore, it doesn't look good for the recovering straight girl and her lovely, but confused girlfriend.
Told you it was a downer post.
Now, move on, and find something fun to read.
posted by Kathryn at
8:11 AM
6 Comments:
Awwww, I'm sorry. Maybe things will simmer down and ya'll will get back. But I will say one thing, IMO you should always share your feelings with the ones you love, if you don't then you end up with ISSUES that eat you up-I've learned that one ALL BY MYSELF, and not the easy way.....
Deanna
forgive me, my new virtual friend, i mean no harm, but...
i actually enjoyed reading it. somewhere in the middle, it struck me, now you know what men go through. i don't believe women are well equipped to deal with other women. all emotion, no rational logical thought. i know, i know, i'm oversimplifying but i believe i have a valid thought here. so if my wife turns lesbian because i'm a lousy lay, it serves her right. she can make some unlucky lady miserable and i'll pay for it. (apologies to my wife who is a great lady, i was just making a point.)
litlsassy, thanks for the advice!
Oh Big Heavy, no harm.
You are right in a way, lots of emotion; but that's actually what I like about being with a woman, because I operate with lots of emotion. I do have logical thought though, easy on that one Heavy!
Thanks d.
I always find advice from strangers to be so much more compelling than friends. Strangers are more honest.
You do deserve more than that. Just keep telling yourself that. I also enjoyed reading it so thanks for sharing with us. You do deserve more. Just keep that in mind.
Sweetie, you do deserve better. ltlsassy20 is right - you ought to share your feelings. And, I, too, am learning that the hard way...ugh.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home