A Reply to Eric

Recently Eric posted a comment on my post, All About Me, He said this:

Hi Recovering Straight Girl,
Just a question about your recent realization about being a lesbian. Was it the culmination of lots of repressed long-standing interest in women, or did your Lovely But Confused Girlfriend just bowl you over, out of the blue?I ask because if it's the latter, it might be well true that you're bisexual and crazy in love with the Lovely But Confused Girlfriend... it just seems from reading throughout your site that you put nearly all your emotional eggs in her basket, as it were, and that can be very painful if her basket goes away.Just curious, and I hope all goes well for you, and things get better going forward.-- Eric

I started to reply to his comment when it occurred to me that it might be worth examining in a post. Afterall, I am blogging about being a Recovering Straight Girl, so it only makes sense that I would go into that a bit.

I think that it's a fair question and one that I've asked myself several thousand times over the last ten months. It's true that it seems that I turned dyke overnight; and part of me finds that a bit mystifying, being that I was seemingly straight for the first thirty-five years of my life.

I do believe that I was bowled over emotionally by my Lovely But Confused Girlfriend. I was shocked at how quickly that my emotions went from ones of friendship to unbelievable attraction and desire. I was also shocked at how easily I was able to allow myself to go there; taking that turn down "Gay Avenue" (BTW, I met Little Sisters second ex-husband, the homo-dork there.)

After having some time to process the emotions that I was having, I did realize that I did have a long standing need to be with women throughout my life. I always had a deep emotional need to have very connected relationships with women in my life, and at the same time, I never felt safe in any relationship that I was in with a man. Looking back at it, there were a lot of markers along the way that I ignored for whatever reasons. I just thought the things that I was experiencing were normal and didn't give them a second thought as being a "homosexual tendency."

Okay, I thought that ALL women had dreams that they were fucking other women.

I thought ALL women fantasized about Gwen Stefani, and that they were all secretly waiting for Gwen to show up on their doorstep and ask them to run away with her, and that all women wrote letters to Gwen Stefani in their diaries about how wonderful that she is and how much they love her.

I thought that ALL women got really, really, really, turned on by the girl/girl action in porno movies, and that when they watched those kind of movies in hotels in Las Vegas with their husbands that all women would rather watch the girls in the movie get it on than get it on with their husbands.

I thought all women remembered with distinction that seen in "Basic Instinct" where Sharon Stone is dancing (in a very hot manner) with her ver hot girlfriend at that very hot nightclub.

So, anyway, there were a few clues along the way.

No, I wasn't one of those women who were in love with their fourth grade teacher, or who fooled around with their girlfriends in junior high, but I certainly had attractions to women on a very emotional and deep level.

I suppose that some people may label me as being "bi-sexual" and I believe for some reason that makes them feel more comfortable doing that.

I really can't say if I'm bi-sexual or not but what I do know is this:

I have absolutely NO desire to have sex or have an emotional relationship with another man ever again. For nearly twenty years, I had sex with men, lots of times, and a lot of time it was pretty good sex. I'm a very sensual and sexual woman and have always enjoyed sex immensely.

I always thought I was having great sex...until I had sex with my LBCG.

My entire perception of what I though was great sex changed.

I felt like everything came crashing down.

I couldn't speak.

I couldn't move.

and my whole world was thoroughly fucking rocked.

And it's never been the same.

As far as putting all of my emotional eggs in one basket; well, that's probably so. But who doesn't do that when they're in love? It just kind of goes with the territory I think. If my eggs get broken, not all will be lost; because I now KNOW what I'm looking for.

And that is:

A deep, emotional, sensual, loving, tender, gentle, connection in a physical, spiritual, emotional, and psychological co-creating relationship;

with a chick.