Saturday, August 20, 2005

I'm stalling

I have so much to do and I don't want to do it.

I need to finish laundry.
I need to clean my house.
I need to pay my bills.
I need to return a couple of phone calls.
I need to pack for my trip.
I need to shower.
I need to go to work in six hours.

Why can't I do it?

Because I'm sad and depressed.

I miss my kids. (They are in California with their Dad, no doubt having fun, but I'm worried and I miss them.)

I miss my former Lovely But Confused Girlfriend. I've spent very little time with my former LBCG the last several weeks. I've been trying to keep things in perspective and give her the time and space she needs; I've been trying to move on.
We saw eachother Thursday night and all day yesterday. It was really nice. It was a different kind of re-connecting, new, based on something different.
She left today to take her kids camping; I'm leaving tomorrow.
I won't see her for ten days. That makes me sad.
I really love her. I always will. I don't know what will happen between us but I'm willing to see what happens when I get back. Whatever happens, it won't be the way it was, that I can't do. If she wants something different, then I'm willing to try, but it can't be the status quo.

I'm stressed out about money.
I have some big things I need to take care of, obligations to meet and there is a delay in the process.

I dreamt of my XH last night.
It was a nice dream. He was hugging me, and he forgave me. Told me he would always love me. I told him I would always love him too but that we couldn't be together. I felt very loved by him in the dream.
I woke up with regrets.
I have them sometimes; but I know that I had to be honest with him, with myself. I don't regret being honest.

My stomach is upset. And has been since returning from camping. I feel YUCKY.

I have my period. Which is making EVERYTHING worse.

I'm catastrophizing. I'm afraid that I'm going to die on my trip or my kids will, or someone will. I feel like I ruined everyone's life.
I'm afraid.
I'm feeling alone.
I have so much to get done.

9 Comments:

Blogger meelo said...

somehow with all the miles and experiences between us, we're on the same page...i am so stressted out i'm concerned i might just stroke out any minute. please take care of yourself and know you're in my thoughts. it'll all be okay in the end, for us both. peace honey.

Saturday, August 20, 2005 2:23:00 PM  
Blogger Kami said...

Well, if I were there, I'd give you a big hug, and a drink. I hate when I get in a funk. Your web sistas are here for you.

Saturday, August 20, 2005 3:18:00 PM  
Blogger SassyFemme said...

{{{RSG}}} I'm sorry you're in such a bad spot right now. Hang in there...

Saturday, August 20, 2005 4:20:00 PM  
Blogger Pissy Britches said...

Awww..sweetie pie.
It will ALL BE OK! It will, I promise. I can't wait to see you in Cali!
WHERE the fuck are you going for a whole weeeeeekkk????
You can't leave AGAIN!

Saturday, August 20, 2005 6:18:00 PM  
Blogger pack of 2 said...

Baby you're never alone. We're all here for you and we all love you very much.

Angie

Saturday, August 20, 2005 9:16:00 PM  
Blogger Random and Odd said...

I can't wait for you to get here.

NO FUCKING STRESS!! we are going to have fun fun fun!!

Sunday, August 21, 2005 8:45:00 AM  
Blogger Zoe said...

HUGS TO YOU RSG
xoxo

Sunday, August 21, 2005 9:29:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sheesh...all that going on /and/ your period! that so sucks!

y'know what's funny about some people when I say I'm in a rut? they say, "just start somewhere. anywhere. get one little thing done and you'll feel so much better that you'll move on to the next thing no problem." yeah, right. I know what they're saying is true, but when you're feeling that fucking low, the anywhere you can start could be one of a million of them, and it's impossible to make a decision. I totally understand where you are.

But in less than 2 weeks you're going to see Kristine and Pissy! I am so so so jealous!

{{{RSG}}} hang in there, sweetie. Your sista bloggas love you and care about you.

Sunday, August 21, 2005 9:40:00 AM  
Blogger The Q said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling all these things ALL AT ONCE, no less!

Hang in there! Wish there was something I could say or do to make it all better...but there's not. I'm sorry.

I personally cannot WAIT to see the pics and hear the stories of when you guys are here in CA visiting Kristine :-)

Sunday, August 21, 2005 10:53:00 AM  

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