Monday, April 04, 2005

The Recovering Straight Girls 12 Steps to Becoming a Lesbian

  1. We admit that we are powerless over being lesbians; that our lives have become unmanageable trying and pretending to be straight.
  2. We have come to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity; it is the power of pussy.
  3. We have made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to being with women, and have made that shift by actually engaging in hot sexual relations with a woman… more than once.
  4. We have made a list of all the men that we slept with; accepted that straight sex is mediocre sex, and forgave ourselves for wasting so many precious years sleeping with men. We have come to realize, accept and willingly expect that orgasms do happen (over and over again,) and that they are a normal part of sexual relations. We have also realized accepted, and now expect that sex last longer than ten minutes. Note: Some personal training is required in this area to build up an endurance level.
  5. We have admitted to a higher power, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs pretending to be straight. In other words: we came out, and realized that we would rather have dental work done than have sex with another guy.
  6. We have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and with much certainty and without hesitation, cut our nails, and very possibly our hair. Note: During this step, some recovering straight women may want to also get a tattoo or piercing, this is entirely a matter of choice. A tattoo or piercing is not a requirement as of this writing.
  7. We are entirely ready to have the higher goddess remove all these defects of being straight: To prove it, we have gone to at least one lesbian bar, lesbian dance and/or lesbian event (preferable a lesbian folk singer); we have purchased CD’s from Melissa Etheridge, KD Lang, and/or The Indigo Girls; and we have acquired at least one item with a rainbow on it.
  8. We are removing our straight shortcomings: We no longer refer to our straight friends who are women as our “girlfriends,” and reserve that term only for women that we are sleeping with. We have accepted that hiking is a part of life, (although secretly it can be disguised as shopping,) we have purchased a sports bra, (although we know that it’s only to be worn while playing sports.)
  9. We have traded our magazine subscriptions to Cosmopolitan, Vogue, Elle, and Marie Clare; for new subscriptions to Curve, Girlfriends, and The Advocate.
  10. We have continued to take personal inventory and when we are wrong promptly admit. We are open to guidance from our lesbian sisters on things related to: the proper placement of hand stamps at lesbian nightclubs, women’s basketball (especially the women’s NCAA tournament,) camping, baseball cap etiquette, dogs, cats, and beer.
  11. We have sought through prayer, meditation or deep reflection ways to first access, then fine tune our newly realized “Gaydar” in order to improve our conscious contact with lesbians.
    We then have:
    Successfully recognized a lesbian and tried to make some kind of contact with her outside of a typical lesbian arena.
    Been “nodded” at by another lesbian who recognized us, outside of a typical lesbian arena. Note: This is a very important, but very difficult task that may take a lot of practice before achieving. Do not be discouraged, do not give up!
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other straight women, near and far, in the city, in the country, and in the suburbs (especially the suburbs,) and to practice these principles in all our lesbian affairs.


Blogger Big Heavy said...

i didn't realize lesbian-ism was a cult. hmmm... whodathunk?

Tuesday, April 26, 2005 1:57:00 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Oh, you don't know the half of it!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005 7:35:00 PM  
Blogger Big Heavy said...

so what is the nodding all about?

Wednesday, April 27, 2005 9:11:00 AM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

"The nod" is what one lesbian does to another while walking down the street, in the grocery store, at Starbucks, etc. to acknowledge, "I know that you are, and I am too." Or "I know that you are, and I know that you know that I am too."
Get it? Unfortunately for me, if I "nod" at someone, they look at me like, "What's with the straight girl nodding at me?" and look away!

Wednesday, April 27, 2005 3:02:00 PM  
Anonymous Nuclear Butterfly said...

Hi, just found you via Kristine - will send more info later, but noted that your 12 steps do not require actually getting rid of the man... unless I overlooked it, which could be quite freudian of me, as I'm barely on the road to recovery. Love your site, will be a frequent reader / commenter.

Friday, May 06, 2005 9:41:00 AM  
Blogger lesbo said...

I am so thankful that I never had to "find" my was always just THERE. When all the other little girls were watching Pete on Mod Squad and I had my eye on Julie.....I knew.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005 6:50:00 AM  
Blogger Caroline said...

I LOVE this post. I am a substance abuse counselor, so I loved this. I read it to my partner and we both died laughing.

Friday, October 07, 2005 7:27:00 AM  
Blogger SimplyShe said...

Ok this is f'ing fantastic. I am in AA and also a Lesbian. There is a lisbian AA meeting that I attend weekly and i CANNOT wait to take these to share... I about died when I read this. Rock On!

Thursday, January 05, 2006 3:34:00 PM  
Blogger I.:.S.:. said...

I am a sincere and struggling narcotics addict, and forever savagely making fun of the NA and their 12 Steps... And I too laughed when I chanced upon this...

Sunday, January 08, 2006 3:02:00 PM  
Blogger Chaz said...

I think I almost puked when reading this. Dykes are so ugly brainless...just look at the wonder shes a DYKE! LMAO

Thursday, June 16, 2011 6:57:00 AM  

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