LBCG and me...
I was hoping to have some time to sit down and thoughtfully post about this; but alas soccer practice, piano lessons, dinner and watching my TiVo'd episode of The Amazing Race with my dd's took precedence. So here I sit in my bed when I should be sleeping because I know that one or two of you are patiently waiting for my story...
Anyone who has read my blog for a little while and knows me IRL has known the back and forth, on again, off again status of my relationship with my LBCG (Lovely But Confused Girlfriend.) In July, after one year of our being "together" and going through a lot of changes in our lives, and our relationship, LBCG decided that she needed to try to work things out with her ex, The Captain. After a short while, a very short while, she realized that she made a terrible mistake and that her desire to try to work things out with The Captain were stemming from feelings of guilt and misgivings about some of the choices that she had made throughout the past year in regards to her relationship with me.
That was about the time that I was setting off for my camping trip in the big woods, searching for Big Foot; followed by my trip from East to West with my brother, followed by my trip to Blog This 2005. In between, LBCG was going on her own camping trip with her kids and all total we weren't going to see eachother for about three and a half weeks. We/I/We decided that we/she would take that time to REALLY think about what we/she wanted in regards to our relationship. For me, it was pretty straight (even though we're not,) foreward thing. If we were to have a relationship it was not going to be like it was; we were going to need to actually give it an effort and not go back and forth with our/her feelings. Our relationship would also need to be out in the open; with her family and The Captain aware of it, and someday our children.
So we spent a lot of time contemplating our relationship and what we wanted from eachother during those few weeks. It was a fabulous reflective time and I was very happy that I had the time to myself and the time to really think about where I had been and where I wanted to go.
For me, something important happened during that time.
I realized I wasn't afraid of being alone anymore.
I realized that I am really okay just being with me and that I was going to be okay, I was going to make it work out, no matter if I was partnered with someone or not.
For so many years I had been someones girlfriend, then someones wife, then someones girlfriend, then someones wife, then someones girlfriend to being alone.
I was really okay being alone and getting to know who I was again. Enjoy myself; take crazy trips accross the country, fly to California and spend four days with total strangers that I met on the internet, whatever.
It was a place that I journeyed inside of myself as I journeyed accross the country in August, and I returned feeling very good about myself.
LBCG figured out that she was ready to put her relationship with The Captain behind her and wanted to give us a shot. We both knew that she still has a while to go to try to get where she needs to be to feel okay about everything; but she is taking it one step at a time. The one thing that I don't doubt, and have never doubted is how much she loves and cares for me, and how much I mean to her. She's had quite a journey herself and one that she is still travelling. I love her very much, and I'm willing to help her along the way.
The priority for me is that we have a happy, healthy, communicative relationship. I'm not worried about where it's going or trying to stay on a track. We're happy, we love to be together, we help each other out, we enjoy each other, love each other, and are the best of friends.
It's all good as far as I can see; and I feel like I am in so much more of a better place with myself than I ever have been. I no longer feel desperate about her. I'm okay with whatever and wherever we end up. I just want to enjoy her, and enjoy all of the good that we have.
So that, my fine blogging friends on the internet, is the story.
Anyone who has read my blog for a little while and knows me IRL has known the back and forth, on again, off again status of my relationship with my LBCG (Lovely But Confused Girlfriend.) In July, after one year of our being "together" and going through a lot of changes in our lives, and our relationship, LBCG decided that she needed to try to work things out with her ex, The Captain. After a short while, a very short while, she realized that she made a terrible mistake and that her desire to try to work things out with The Captain were stemming from feelings of guilt and misgivings about some of the choices that she had made throughout the past year in regards to her relationship with me.
That was about the time that I was setting off for my camping trip in the big woods, searching for Big Foot; followed by my trip from East to West with my brother, followed by my trip to Blog This 2005. In between, LBCG was going on her own camping trip with her kids and all total we weren't going to see eachother for about three and a half weeks. We/I/We decided that we/she would take that time to REALLY think about what we/she wanted in regards to our relationship. For me, it was pretty straight (even though we're not,) foreward thing. If we were to have a relationship it was not going to be like it was; we were going to need to actually give it an effort and not go back and forth with our/her feelings. Our relationship would also need to be out in the open; with her family and The Captain aware of it, and someday our children.
So we spent a lot of time contemplating our relationship and what we wanted from eachother during those few weeks. It was a fabulous reflective time and I was very happy that I had the time to myself and the time to really think about where I had been and where I wanted to go.
For me, something important happened during that time.
I realized I wasn't afraid of being alone anymore.
I realized that I am really okay just being with me and that I was going to be okay, I was going to make it work out, no matter if I was partnered with someone or not.
For so many years I had been someones girlfriend, then someones wife, then someones girlfriend, then someones wife, then someones girlfriend to being alone.
I was really okay being alone and getting to know who I was again. Enjoy myself; take crazy trips accross the country, fly to California and spend four days with total strangers that I met on the internet, whatever.
It was a place that I journeyed inside of myself as I journeyed accross the country in August, and I returned feeling very good about myself.
LBCG figured out that she was ready to put her relationship with The Captain behind her and wanted to give us a shot. We both knew that she still has a while to go to try to get where she needs to be to feel okay about everything; but she is taking it one step at a time. The one thing that I don't doubt, and have never doubted is how much she loves and cares for me, and how much I mean to her. She's had quite a journey herself and one that she is still travelling. I love her very much, and I'm willing to help her along the way.
The priority for me is that we have a happy, healthy, communicative relationship. I'm not worried about where it's going or trying to stay on a track. We're happy, we love to be together, we help each other out, we enjoy each other, love each other, and are the best of friends.
It's all good as far as I can see; and I feel like I am in so much more of a better place with myself than I ever have been. I no longer feel desperate about her. I'm okay with whatever and wherever we end up. I just want to enjoy her, and enjoy all of the good that we have.
So that, my fine blogging friends on the internet, is the story.
posted by Kathryn at
10:06 PM
18 Comments:
Hmmm, sounds like you know what you want, I hope you get it. I'm straight, but I think you and I have the same types of problems with gurls. :P
Hmmm, sounds like you know what you want, I hope you get it. I'm straight, but I think you and I have the same types of problems with gurls. :P
Good luck ladies. We are all rootin for you! I am glad that minds have been made and the right steps are being taken for you to have a happy life together. Everything is gonna be JUST FUCKING FINE!
lv you RSG
fucking spammers.
I think that last paragraph totally sums it up! I can relate to that feeling of not feeling desperate. That was such a HUGE step in your personal growth--I am SO happy for you!
Whatever will be, will be. Enjoy your life & loves. You are going to be just fine!
Hugs!
Good, good, good. I'm happy for you, and you sound like you know what you want!
TAG! You're IT. Come see me to see What's up.
You're one of the most level headed people I have met.
Things will work out for the best. I believe that.
Wow, great post. And glad that you came to the realization that you can be happy without having a partner. Best of luck to both of you.
One of the best things my eldest daughter ever said was about a year ago before starting high school. We were talking about boys and if she was interested in any and she said "Mommy, I don't need a boyfriend to make me complete"
Well good for you.
The great part about it is if things (God forbid) don't work out, you will be just fine on your own.
I am crossing my fingers that everything does work out.
my psych/mental health professor (who i really adore) said to me, "as long as you're okay with yourself, everything else will fall into place." and i revisit that quote almost weekly, to remind myself that it is so simple, but so true. seems like you figured that out for yourself. congratulations. you deserve to be happy.
You fucking rock.
And remember, always have your legs shaved, in case of an emergency black out. You never know when LBCG will just drop on by. ;-)
Yes, I 2nd what Merry Widow said.
Even if there is a earthquake, tornado, hurricane, thunderstorm, light a fucking candle and make sure those legs are shaved you HOOKER ASS BITCH
Thanks for the story. I was wondering about ya'll after your last post when you were with her again...
That's terrific that you have found your "happy place" with or without her!
HURRAY FOR YA'LL!!
It's nice to know that there IS happiness that doesn't leave a sacchrine aftertaste! :)
Thanks for the supportive comments. It is amazing to me how "protective" that my blogging friends are of me; and I appreciate you all being supportive about my decisions, even though you have seen me in very painful moments.
I heart you all!!
Yay, I'm so happy for you. You know, it seems like JUST when someone FINALLY gets to the point where they realize they're alright being alone that just what they always wanted drops into their life from heaven. Unfortunately being okay with it isn't something we can FAKE and get away with it - but it sure seems like the 'dream come true after becoming comfortable with the way things ARE' thing happens a lot.
I'm delighted that it happened for YOU. And thank you for posting about it, because yes, I was wondering in a hopeful sort of manner. ;)
Awwww, that is so awesome. I hope it works out.
It's strange how that moment of "letting go of the desperation" really dances the fine line of "letting go and moving on" Been there. Best of luck to you!
mg
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