Monday, February 28, 2005

Raining today

Our beautiful un-seasonal like weather has come to an end and our typical NW weather has returned;it began to rain today after a morning of trying to decide what it was going to do. I don't mind the rain so much, but I was enjoying the sunny days that we were having. My new house has vaulted ceilings in the living room with large windows that go floor to ceiling. The sun streaming in through in the afternoon was quite lovely during the day.

I've had a bit of uneasiness today. I'm feeling a bit disconnected from my lovely girlfriend; I sense something is going on with her and I'm not sure what exactly it is. I'm usually quite good at sensing when something is not quite right with her, and beginning last night I was having that feeling. I know that she is going through a lot right now, (and has been for the past eight months right along with me,) but I feel as though she has possibly come to some kind of resolve that she is not able to share with me.

Sometimes I just go along like everything is hunky-dory and all of a sudden something like this will happen that kind of alarms me into thinking that things aren't quite what they seem to be. The other possibility is that nothing is wrong and I'm just crazy . . . (usually though, that is not the case when I have these feelings.

I suppose like everything else, I need to just wait it out, or wade through it, or wait for the sun to rise to find out what I need to know. It's all so messy sometimes.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

And the winner is . . .

It's Oscar night. I did not watch the Oscars because it interfered with "The L-Word," but I did look on the internet who won. I did manage to see a couple of the movies this year, "Million Dollar Baby," and "Sideways." I liked both of the films very much but neither of them was a "feel-good" kind of movie. Lately I really need to watch things that don't make me feel even worse about my own life.

The recovery of my illnesses is on it's way. I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, this is where I thought I was a week ago until I woke up on Tuesday with a cold. I have begun to forget what it's like to not be sick; that's sad to me. I don't remember what it feels like to feel okay, both physically and emotionally. In some ways, I feel as though I needed to break all of the way down again; physically too, in order to start to heal properly. I suppose I can look at my recovery as a two-fold one, I can heal from my poor health this month and as I heal I can begin to heal emotionally as well.

I have come a long way and I know that I am moving forward. I'll be okay, I know that if I keep telling myself that, I will eventually believe it.

My body is healing, my heart is healing, and I will emerge a winner of a life that I deserve.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Beyond Valentines Day

Valentines Day was yesterday and it was quite fine. I celebrated with my three young daughters and my mom. I don't usually buy the girls Valentines gifts and cards, I always had my husband do that for them. This year though is different and I now will take on the role of buying them Valentines gifts as well. I always liked the idea of John giving them their Valentine gift; sort of like a "Daddy's little sweetheart gift." I'm sure that coming from Mom means just as much, and their Dad did give them a little gift of a stuffed dog and candy treat; they liked it a lot.

It's interesting to me that I haven't missed receiving gifts from my husband since our divorce; it was always such a upsetting ordeal anyway, gift receiving from him. I always had expectations that he would want to put a lot of thought, consideration and love into picking out just the right gift for me when really it just wasn't his thing. It took me a long time to get over that and the thrill of receiving a gift from him went away a long time ago. He always had some excuse or the other; for Valentines Day he would state that he didn't think that it was fair that he should have to plan an event or buy a gift for me, why couldn't I do that for him? For Mother's Day, it was that I wasn't his mother (not that he ever got his own mother something on his own . . .) John never did anything just because it was a nice thing to do, there was always an expectation or a motive behind it. An expectation meaning that he would do it because I expected it or he would have some kind of alterior motive or explanation for it. He used to tell me that he only was sweet and romantic with me while we were dating (oruntil he got me into bed;) then he was done with that. He thought it was funny to say things like that; but there was deep meaning behind it, even if he didn't realize it at the time. Taking me for granted was something he did well and he had no problem with doing it at any time. He felt that by going to work every day and providing for me and the girls was how he showed me how much he loved me. I hope someday he realizes how wrong he was and doesn't make that mistake again with the next person in his life.

I feel like getting through this holiday was a good step in my healing and my evolution. I feel like I got something accomplished between yesterday and today in becoming my new self.

Saturday, February 12, 2005


For my first entry into my "evolution of me" blog I thought I would touch on my current state of affairs.

I currently am evolving through getting over a case of pneumonia. Pneumonia is a word that I can't spell so I keep it copied on my clipboard so that when I type it I just have to hit ctrl-v to paste it. That's a secret I haven't told anyone; I can't spell pneumonia.

Pneumonia; well it really, really sucks. Apparently it is the sixth leading cause of death in the US. I don't think that I'm going to die, but it sucks just the same. Pneumonia causes you to be very, very tired; all of the time. It makes you cough, a lot. It hurts when you cough which makes the coughing even worse, your chest hurts and did I mention that your very tired?

Today I went out for breakfast and then to my dd's basketball game. When I returned home I laid down for a nap and slept solid for three and a half hours. It's amazing just how tired that pneumonia makes a person. Not only is it hard to spell; it knocks you on your butt.

I went to the doctor last Wednesday after eight days of a fever and flu-like symptoms. My doctor, a very sweet wonderful person, Dr. Emily, sent me to have a chest x-ray done to rule out pneumonia. Minutes after leaving the radiology department Dr. Meyers called to say that the radiologist indicated that I did indeed have pneumonia in the lower left lobe of my lung. She called in an anti-biotic and my youngest daughter and I were off to Albertsons. I took the first dose thinking that for sure by the next day I would start to feel better. Dr. Meyers also gave me a prescription for vicodin which I was very happy to have. The vicodin actually made me feel not quite so crummy for the first time in days and days. I had really tried to be a trooper, getting through this flu, I was at the end of my rope. I was starting to cry at the drop of a hat and everything was starting to seem just so exasperating, I was starting not to be able to take it much longer. The vicodin did help the situation.

Here we are, three days later and I am feeling better; just tired. I'm still not feeling well, but I think I'm on the upswing. I'm hoping tomorrow I'll feel even better and eventually I will be healthy again. It does make a person feel grateful for their good health, which I usually have, and look forward to having again.

Now if I could just spell pneumonia.