Tuesday, January 31, 2006

A little explanation

Blogging for me began as a form of therapy.
It turned into more of a hobby and entertainment.
I enjoy sharing my life and I have made a tremendous amount of friends in this arena.

But I know there are those of you who read, because you know, or have known me IRL, and you're interested in what's going on with me. That's okay too, because I know who the hell you are...(you know, when you move temporarily, your IP address changes and states your new location.)

Let's just say that I've had a few things going on in my life that I wasn't ready to share, but without sharing them, I can't blog, because I blog about what's going on in my life.

I don't want to assume that everyone who reads my blog gives a rats ass about what I'm doing, perhaps you just read because my life is more fucked up than yours and therefore entertaining.

I'll just put it out there and be done with it. I don't want to discuss it any further but I want to be able to get back to my therapeutic entertaining hobby. Okay?

LBCG and I broke up several weeks ago, at Christmas to be exact.
It was something that had been happening for a long time and it was time for that relationship, as it was, to be over. I would have liked to have continued to support her and help her through things as a friend, but that doesn't seem to be an option. She has a lot of her own things that she needs to work through and those things had been destroying me for a long time. I was not happy where I was and finally made a decision to take care of myself. It was very difficult but I was no longer able to be in the dynamics of the vortex of that relationship.

I've been spending a lot of time reflecting and working things out for myself.
I'm fine and good, and it's okay.
I hope that she is fine and good too, and I'm sorry if she is hurting or sad.
But I needed to move on.

So let's move on, shall we?

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Been busy...

I know I haven't posted in a while; stop with the threats and the hate mail people.

I've been very busy taking some time for myself, figuring things out, trying new things and today I did a lot of shopping. (Had to go to three stores to find what I was looking for...who knew the color pink was so hard to find...)

Love to you all blogging friends, I promise I'll get back next week.

Ciao y'all.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Instructions For Life

I didn't write this, it was hanging up in the break area of my glamorous waitressing job and I felt compelled to share it with all of you...

  1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risks.
  2. When you lose; don't lose the lesson.
  3. Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for others, and Responsibility for all your actions.
  4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
  5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
  6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
  7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
  8. Spend some time alone every day.
  9. Open arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
  10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
  11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
  12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
  13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
  14. Share you knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
  15. Be gentle with the earth.
  16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
  17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for eath other.
  18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
  19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Good things to think about...

Monday, January 23, 2006

Ginger graduates

Ginger graduated from puppy class tonight!
Oh, she made us so proud.
She did her little test with the teacher and passed with flying colors.
She said her goodbyes to her friend Bailey
And had a photo op with her graduation cap.
She's such a good girl.

In other news. I went a little crazy on Saturday and decided I hated my hair. So I started cutting it and ended up with short hair.
It actually looks shorter than it does in this picture, (dd#1 took this with the BAMF.) It looks okay, but I can tell when I wash it that it is very uneven. I'll have to take care of that.

Nana is still doing well. My Mom is coming home in a couple of days and I am very glad that I will have the opportunity to at least let Nana know that I heart her and that I didn't grow any horns just because I like pussy now. I probably won't word it quite like that though.

I feel better and I had a great day today. Very relaxing, very fulfilling, and the sun was shining for the first time in ages. That's all good stuff.

Ciao y'all.

Nana Update

Thank you all for your very, very kind thoughts and loving wishes to me and my Nana.
I hope it's okay that I don't respond individually to all of you; I think you know how much I appreciate your support and friendship.

As of last night, she was improving a little. The doctors were keeping her sedated as she was very confused and trying to pull out her IV's. Finally she was beginning to be a bit responsive and was even able to gesture Yes and No. They've decreased her sedation and today is the day that they will take her off the ventilator.

The ventilator is not a long-term solution and heroic measures are not going to be used; so if she can't breathe on her own, she will not be re-intibated.

If she does breathe on her own, then she has a good chance of pulling through this, albeit a long road to recovery. That will bring up other issues I am sure, but perhaps it will be an opportunity for her as well.

I know that I will be sure to let her know how much she means to me and that she is a terrific Nana. Perhaps I will re-think addressing the gay thing with her. Not so much to address it, but to address why I didn't think it was important to address it. If I have the opportunity, I will, otherwise I know in my heart that it's okay.

I'll let you all know how it goes...you all rock so much!

UPDATED UPDATE: She's off the ventilator and doing pretty well. My Mom talked to my uncle who said that HE didn't tell dumb ass cousin Joe. Well, I don't think that he knew all on his own, so I don't know who's lying here. My mom is going to investigate more...

Saturday, January 21, 2006

My Nana

(This picture was taken the last time I saw her in August, 2005. With my brother...)

My Nana is probably dying. She is in CCU in a hospital in Pittsburgh and had to be put on a ventilator because she couldn't breathe. She got sick with pneumonia, got better, and then worse. She also has a strep/staff infection and septicitis (I don't know how to spell that...)

Her heart is not doing well and neither are her kidneys and it seems as though everything is kind of just starting the failing process.

She suffers from emphysema (from smoking and living with a three-pack-a-day smoker.) She quit in 1987 but I don't think you can do that kind of damage for that many years and reverse it by quitting.

This is by no means unexpected. She gets sick every year and needs to be hospitalized. We always know that it is inevitable. It is probably just time, and I accept that, and hope that she is okay with it too.

I just returned from putting my mom on a plane to go out there. They will decide when she gets there what to do next. I really hope my mom will be okay.

My Nan and I have unfinished business; which is making this very difficult.

Last month, my asshole cousin Joe
asshole joe
Told my grandmother that I was gay.
That I was trying to "hide" it from her, and that was why I left my XH.
Completely upset her.
Not because I'm gay, but because she felt that everyone in the family was keeping secrets from her.

Well I NEVER spoke to Asshole Joe about any of it, nor to my other boy cousins, nor to his parents, (my aunt and uncle,) because it's none of their fucking business who I am or am not having sex with. I certainly didn't feel that it was necessary to discuss it with my 83 year old grandmother. I mean, come on, how many of you call up your grandmother and say, "Hey granny, I got me a piece of ass last night?" Please, it's completely inappropriate and not okay.

I decided not to talk to her about it because I didn't want to put energy into a place that didn't substantiate it. I thought it would blow over and if she wanted to talk to me about my sex life, I would probably tell her that I wasn't comfortable discussing it with her.

Well now, it seems that I won't have the chance to let it blow over.
And my grandmothers last memories of me will be that I was keeping secrets from her and lying to her; which was not the case at all.

I am perplexed beyond belief WHY my asshole cousine Joe would even think that it was remotely okay to purposely go out of his way to upset our grandmother by passing on to her fourth hand information. The only reason that he knew what he did was because my uncle (his father) was Hell bent that he was going to fly out here to Portland and talk to XH and I and SAVE our marriage. After being exasperated by his insistence, my mother finally said, "Listen, it's no use, Kathryn is a lesbian." I guess he then felt it was necessary to confide in his evil spawn. Asshole. Huge asshole.

When I was leaving XH, I called my grandmother and explained that I wasn't happy and that I was going to leave XH. She supported my decision and said that it was okay. I told her their were many reasons I was leaving, and that many of them were private. She said she respected that.

Now, that's all changed.
And I'm so not pleased about it.
And sad too.
Mostly sad.

Send her good energy bloggers. Her name is Margery Kathryn.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Mini-arsonists and door-to-door salesmen

As I've mentioned, I live in the land of tupperware and mini-vans, in a place that is somewhere between Pleasantville and Stepford. Not a LOT goes on here in the very, scary suburbs, so when my children's school practically burns down due to arsonists, it's a big deal.

Okay, well maybe it didn't practically burn down, but it was a big deal just the same, (if you're seven...)

Some kids decided to light toilet paper on fire in the girls bathroom yesterday at DD's school. The fire alarm went off, the school was evacuated and the POLICE came to investigate. They searched children for lighters and matches and patrolled the bathrooms. Very exciting stuff! I'm surprised they didn't do a mandatory lock-down and call us to come get our little juvenile delinquents.

First thing I asked DD#2 (the alien-abducted one,) was "Did YOU do it?" (I'm sure that girl is destined for a life of crime, so I thought I may as well know what I'm dealing with right from the onset.) But alas, it was not one of my little hedons; whew...dodged a bullet this time. Can you imagine what people would have said if it HAD been DD#2?

"Oh, that's the kid who's MOTHER IS A LESBIAN, tsk, tsk, I saw that coming from a mile away!"
"If it wasn't for her MOTHER BEING A LESBIAN, that child would be normal."
"You know, children need traditional family values, or they become arsonists!"

Would have been good material for them anyway. Oh well, maybe next time.

After the daughters came home from their traumatic day at school, we were busily doing the things that we do every afternoon, homework, chores, practicing piano, watching TiVo'd episodes of Dancing with the Stars. We were peacefully enjoying ourselves when someone knocked at the door.

Remember blogging friends, I have very few friends IRL, so practically NO ONE ever knocks on my door which led me to believe only one thing; door-to-door salesperson.
Now granted I have a very tastefully framed sign in my doorway that states:

Unless you are a child under the age of eighteen
doing a school fundraiser,
selling cookies, candy, or collecting cans.
Then by all means, solicit away.
I also have all of the religion that I can handle right now!
I'm nice about it, polite, because I'm a polite kind of girl. Wouldn't you think that people would have the politeness to abide by my wishes? You would think so, but the truth is that they do NOT. Either that, or they can't read, who really knows.
All I know is that weekly I have to tell the Kirby vacuum people that I don't need a vacuum because I have all hardwood floors, then I have to gesture behind me and SHOW them that I have hardwood floors. They don't care. They would still like me to spend six thousand dollars on a vacuum cleaner that I DO NOT NEED!
Yesterday the door-to-door salesman wanted to tell me about the program that he is in to give "inner-city youth without opportunities an opportunity to better themselves through job training, yada, yada, yada." He said he was from North Portland and that he has a two month old baby to support and that is why he is out here trying to better himself to give himself and his family a better life.
All I had to do to help him is buy a magazine subscription at a discounted price which will give him points and a 50% commission on the purchasing price.
Now I SAW that 20/20 Primetime Newsweek Special about the door-to-door magazine subscription racket and what a racket it truly is. I called him on this and he said that he didn't know anything about THAT, but HIS program was a LOCAL program to help local underprivileged people.
Fine, give me the damn magazine list.
I look at the list, pick out National Geographic For Kids, and fill out the damn form. It is only when I look at the payment coupon that I see I am being charged $54.00 for TEN issues of the magazine. Yes, blogging friends, FIFTY-FOUR DOLLARS! I said, "This isn't what it COST, is it?" He said yes it did, but their magazines are discounted and the price reflects the discount plus a $10.00 handling fee.
I asked him what it would cost for me to subscribe to this magazine directly through National Geographic and he said that he didn't know, but really, it wasn't about the magazine, it was about investing in HIM.
I don't even know HIM.
I don't even know who HE is.
I told him that I wasn't comfortable spending $54.00 for a magazine subscription, that I have never in my life spent that much money for a magazine subscription and that I was sorry. I also said, that I would rather just give him twenty bucks and skip the magazine, to which he was very offended. He said what he was doing wasn't charity.
No, screwing someone over is called something else all together.
If there is one thing I can't stand is being taken advantage of. I pride myself on being a wise person who is able to look at many angles of things before making a decision. I think I've always done a pretty good job buying houses, cars, financing things, etc. to try to get the very best deal that I could. Hell, I didn't even by Chex cereal at the grocery store yesterday because it wasn't on sale. I certainly wasn't going to spend $54.00 on a magazine that I didn't need without doing my homework.
I told Mr. Door-to-Door salesman that I would look up on the internet the subscription price of the magazine and if I thought it was an okay deal, he could come back.
He said again that it wasn't about the magazine it was about his being able to feed his family to which I said, "Listen, I'm a WAITRESS. How do you think it would be if I served my tables and then gave them an inflated check for their food and explained to them that they were being ripped off because I was feeding my family on that? They wouldn't give a shit and they would never come back."
He left.
I didn't think I would see him again, but I still looked up the magazine subscription on-line.
Guess how much a 10 issue subscription to National Geographic for Kids costs???
Go ahead, guess, I'll wait.
$39.00 less than what he was charging me.
Well that was that, RSG was a smart consumer once again.
I loaded up the little arsonists, I mean children, and took the big one to piano lessons and the little ones to the grocery store for much needed items. We returned and I started cooking dinner while everyone finished homework, etc.

I said, "You've got to be fucking kidding me."
Sure enough, it was inner-city-underprivileged-door-to-door salesman.
I opened the door and said,

"Hey, I looked up the magazine and it only costs $15.00. That's over three times what you were going to charge me, and to be exact $39.00 more. $39.00 is what I just spent at the grocery store to feed MY family for two dinners, breakfasts and lunches. You need to take care of your family, but I also need to take care of mine."

He left. I felt vindicated and we don't have another magazine cluttering up our house.
Now, if an underprivileged-inner-city-door-to-door-magazine salesman turns to a life of crime in North Portland because I didn't buy a magazine from him, I am truly sorry. Truly I am.
Be on the lookout LeLo and AdRi.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

It's legal to die with dignity in Oregon

If my memory serves me correctly, the voters of Oregon voted on this subject in 1994.
1994 people.
We voted on that measure just a few weeks after my first child was born, (who is now eleven...)
And we approved it.
In 1994.
Through the past eleven years, this measure, which was voted into law was ripped to shreds and everyone who could tried to stop it from happening. (For the full timeline, go here.)

The Supreme Court voted today to uphold Oregon's Physician Assisted Suicide law making it legal (or actually making it "not-illegal") for doctors to prescribe drugs to terminally ill patients that would end their lives.
End their suffering.

I guess the thing that irritates although somewhat amuses me is that doctors have been prescribing lethal doses of medication to dying people since the invention of those drugs; in all states, all over the place, they just don't advertise it. It's done in hospitals, in nursing homes, and in hospice care, every single day.

My grandfather was given a large dose of Morphine before being transferred from a hospital to an extended care facility. When he arrived at the said extended care facility, he was given another large dose of Morphine and died very soon after. Was this an accident?
My grandfather had pulled the doctor aside, had a private conversation with him about his lack of quality of life, and the doctor complied.

Is anyone in my family upset?
It was my grandfathers wishes and it was his life.
And it was between him and his doctor; and his creator.

I'm grateful that my grandfather didn't sit in a nursing home without any hope of recovering from his illness, in misery, lonley, and suffering.
I'm glad that he was able to determine how and when his suffering would end, even if the Supreme Court says that he doesn't have any constituional right to do so.

Why is it that it's "okay" to do certain things as long as we don't "talk" about them or validate them in some way? As long as it's not brought into the public eye or discussed or made a part of our society, the people oppossed to such things are all right with them?
It's such fucking hypocrisy.

After eleven years, the people of Oregon can LEGALLY be prescribed medication to LEGALLY end their lives and do something that has been being done illegally, although known about, for decades.
Eleven years and MILLIONS of dollars later to basically maintain the status quo.
Great use of everyone's time and money.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Thank God, almighty, we are free at last?

Tonight before the girls went to bed, I showed them pictures of Dr. King. I want to be sure that the image of his handsome, serious, and passionate face will be as ingrained in their little minds as prevelantly as the faces of George Washington or Abraham Lincoln.
Dr. King isn't yet on a piece of money, perhaps someday.

I explained to the little ones about slavery and showed them pictures of a slaves back that had large scars from whippings. I tried to explain to them what a slave was, but of course their little minds could not comprehend something so horrible.

I read to them Dr. Kings famous speech, "I Have A Dream," although I certainly couldn't give it any justice. And when I got to this part, I began to weep:

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I am weeping now as I re-read it.

I weep because I truly believe that for as much progress as we have made in our society, we have just as much progress to make.

I weep for the victims of the summer's hurricanes and how so many of the people there, poor, and black were left behind by this great nation that claims them as her sons and daughters.
I weep remembering that horror for them, and the horror that still plagues them today.

I weep because I can't help but believe that if Dr. King were alive today; he would weep for them too.

And I weep because if Dr. King were alive today, imagine what he would have accomplished in the last 37 years.

Imagine that for just a moment. That brilliant man was 39 years old when he was killed and look what he accomplished in those short 39 years. If he had lived, through the prime years of his life, perhaps life as we know it today would be different, for the better, I know.

The truth is, the unfortunately truth, is, that we are NOT free at last.
So it is up to every person to realize and be the change that they want to see in our world, and keep the dream alive.



Sunday, January 15, 2006

I'm getting out the gloves

It's time, once again, to color my hair.
Some of you might remember what happened last time? Or what it looked like?
You wouldn't believe how many google search engines hits I get off of that post from people looking to fix their own red hair tragedy!

Well, the color is light brown with a copper base. It should be much less dramatic.
We'll see in 20 minutes blogging friends!

Bird dog

I guess Ginger is a bird dog.
Tonight when she went outside she was spending a lot of time out there. I opened the door to check on her and there she sat
flinging a dead bird around.

Yes, I said a dead bird. A little blue one.
A little, blue, dead, bird. With feet and wings and a beak and everything.
Now, I know she didn't KILL the bird, but it was dead just the same and Ginger wanted to do something with it (eat it, I presume...) YUK!

Anyway, I was completely grossed out and did not want to deal with the dead bird on the patio that my dog loves at one o'clock in the morning in the cold, dark, rain.
So I left it out there, secretly hoping something would come and take it away in the middle of the night...like a coyote or something?????

Now Ginger is going BALLISTIC because she desperately wants to go outside to be with her BIRD, and she is crying and scratching at the door to get out.

Gross, gross, and grosser.

I'll never be able to kiss her sweet little, dead bird flinging face again.

UPDATE: Well, this morning I "butched up" and went out there to dispose of the little thing. In the light of day I noticed that it was actually a dark grey bird, not a cute little blue one (not that it really makes a difference.)

My dog is STILL obsessed and keeps frantically going in and out of the house looking for that damn bird.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Heart puke

You know when your stomach really, really hurts and you KNOW that if you would only puke, you would feel better?

That's how my heart feels today.

It feels so sick with ache and like if only I would just "puke," I would get rid of all of it.

You know what I mean, blogging friends?

You do, don't you.

Friday, January 13, 2006

The Trailblazer

When I went through my divorce, most of my friends scattered into the wind. I was too much for them to deal with and they didn't want to be labeled as "taking sides" with me or supporting the horrible thing that I did to my family. These were all people that I had shared a lot with through the years and have shared a lot with me. They were women (and men,) who endured their own heartache in their own relationships, and many of them weren't any happier than I was.

Looking back at those people and the lives that they live, often I compare what they endure and what I endured in my own marriage. None of these people are presently in my life, but when they were, I held their hands and tried to help them through their own difficult times.

One of those friends described her marriage as an "emotional divorce." Without sex, without intimacy, without anything except financial support. Early in their relationship he forced her (by giving her an ultimatum,) to terminate a pregnancy and only married her because she wanted a commitment or was moving on. I have also always suspected that he is gay.

Another friend and her husband were playing around wrestling one day early in their marriage, he did something rough (in fun,) she slapped him, he broke her arm. More than one of my friends have never had an orgasm with their husbands. One has a husband who is addicted to pornography, one drinks too much and has been physically rough with their young son when drunk. One has a significant depression and anxiety as well as a drug and alcohol problem that has debilitated him for years. One friend is bi-polar (undiagnosed,) and has practically bankrupted her family several times by shopping during her manic phases. A lot of my friends have spouses who are extremely controlling with time and money; more than one woman I know has to ask her husband "permission" before buying anything or making plans with anyone, or even cutting their hair. Some of them have "rules" about grocery shopping and keeping receipts for things and not buying things for the children unless it's planned for. One of the aforementioned husbands makes his wife bring him the grocery receipt and the change and makes sure she doesn't buy anything they don't "need."

You think I live in a trailer park???
No, I do not. I live in one of the most expensive, suburban towns in Oregon with lots of "normal" people who drive luxury SUV's with dvd players and navigation systems, with second homes in the mountains or at the beach, who are are members of the PTA, the school board and the City Counsel.

I had a lot of problems in my own relationship,
I fell in love with someone else,
became a lesbian
and left my husband.
I'm considered "scandalous!"
So be it.

In the year since my divorce I have mostly kept to myself and only talk to my former friends and acquaintances when at a kid sports event or school function. I answer their questions as honestly as I can and from my perspective. I've missed the commaradity that we used to share, but I also realized how much energy they all took from me, and how toxic many of them were to my life. Not all of them, but some.

Now it's a year later and several of those same people are now going through their own divorces, (big surprise people...)
And all of a sudden.
I'm the "go-to" girl to lend an ear and support.
I don't mind really, but secretly a part of me wonders where the hell they all were when I was going through my divorce.

Going through something like that alone and without support would be the yuckiest thing ever.
I know this from experience.
And I don't wish that on anyone, so I'll be there to help when needed.

Without my mom, my LBCG, my friends Darcy and Angie, (whom I met after leaving XH,) Shelly and Angie, and my blog friends, I don't think I would have survived.
I KNOW I wouldn't have survived.
And no, my former friends weren't there for me, but I will be there for them the best that I can, because I'm the trailblazer.

Yep, that's me.
The gay-divorcee-trailblazer.

***I still want the lurkers to de-lurk...see post below!***

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Stand up and say hello!

Yes, it's national de-lurking week and I want to hear from all of you lurkers.
Now, I heart you all, but how am I suppossed to give you ANY love if I don't know who you are?

Come on, leave a comment,
you'll like it,
I promise!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

My online friend Sarcastic Journalist is being thrown an online baby shower for her upcoming new arrival, Little Jizzy. I went to her registry to choose a gift here.

I decided that I'm going to get her the twenty second rectal thermometer, and the butt paste.
Just to be a smartass!


I ate five,
yes five
Krispy Kreme donuts.

My Blog Friends Rock My World

Anyone who read this post knows about the Sandypops comment.
I don't get a lot of negative comments, (two actually to date and it's been almost a year,) but that particular comment was overtly inappropriate, untrue, and cruel.

Not only did my blog friends totally stick up for me here on this blog, but they also did on their own blogs. I was so moved by their loyalty and love for the RSG, that I had to post some of this. Plus the fact that it cracked me the fuck up...

On this post by Pissy, she listed five things about herself. One of them was this:

Names of 4 People I DO NOT heart
Sandycocks,cunts,..chops..whatever (RSG, Kristine, Kami & Shangie know who this is)
My husbands ex crack ho wife
Bill O' Reily (he is a fuck nut)
Tom Cruise

I love that bitch Pissy! Then in her comments, (really you should just go read,) my my other HAB's wrote this:

Pack of Two: I hate Sandycox fucking bitch too!!! Lets find out who she is & kick her ass...LOL!!! I laugh...but I would totally do it:)

Kami: Sandycunts is a ho.

Tammy: Sandypopcuthoe, whoever she is, is a whore.

SFG: Not sure who that is you are calling a ho, but I'm sure she deserves it. (and SFG girl, why haven't you been reading if you don't know who this is??? You're my "cut" girl!

It just made me laugh so much I just had to write about it.
BTW, Sandypops is STILL reading (everyone wave again!!!) His/her IP address keeps popping up!

Why else do my blog friends rock my world?

Well, this morning LeLo's partner AdRi met me on her way to work to drop off Wink for a puppy playdate. LeLo thought that since I was feeling down, more puppy kisses and hugs were exactly what I needed! (Of course she is right!) Well, AdRi decided that to go along with puppy kisses and hugs, I also needed a dozen circular pieces of crack in a box. So she stopped by the CrackHouse to score me some!
I heart her and she is now officially my new HAB!

Then there is Jessica, who made playdoh boobies for me.
Kristine and Shaun who heart me and want to play with me over mine and Kristine's birthday here.
Kami, who invited me to Thanksgiving, Christmas, and to Blog Blowout 2006!
Mel, who sends me nice e-mails and might want to have lots of girly sex with me.
and Pack of 2, who are my friends IRL who are always there for me, anytime day or night for any thing.

My life may be a bit fucked up.
I might be in a dysfunctional relationship and be virtually un-employed, but I have great kids and great blog friends, (and a few IRL too!)

And I have a Winky here today!

Monday, January 09, 2006

My five weird habits

I got tagged by Raggy Maggy to list my five weird habits. Well people, I have a hell of a lot more than five weird habits, but I'll go ahead and list them for your entertainment. I don't actually think that any of my habits are weird, because I'm completely normal in every way.

  1. I touch dogs and cats noses, obsessively. I love to touch animal noses and I wouldn't stop at dogs and cats except it might be dangerous of me to wonder into the zoo and touch say, a lions nose or something. I love that they are black and cold and wet. My VERY favorite thing is to touch their nose with MY nose. I especially like that. When I was a little girl, we had a golden retriever named Tess whoms nose I would always touch. Tess had a pink spot on the tip of her nose where the black was worn off. I don't know if it was related to my touching or not???? (probably not...)
  2. I ALWAYS make my bed the second I get out of it. Always. Even if I'm in a big hurry. I can't stand the sight of an unmade bed. I do not make my children's beds daily because they are bunk beds and an enormous pain in the ass to make. If they weren't bunk beds, you bet your ass that I would make them every morning too.
  3. I'm obsessed with bleach and I bleach my kitchen every day (except of course on the days when I haven't prepared anything IN my kitchen.) I bleach the counters, sink, stove, dishwasher, microwave, and refrigerator before I cook and usually after as well. I once heard that the front of your refrigerator is germier than your toilet. That is certainly NOT the case in my house.
  4. I always get ready in exactly the same order. I shower, get out, dry my hair with the towel, then dry my body, then wrap my hair in the towel. Then I brush my teeth, put on deodorant, put on my bra and underwear, do my makeup, put product in my hair, tossel it a bit, put on fragrance and finally get dressed. If I get ready outside of that specific order, it just feels wrong to me. I don't understand how other people do things OUT of that specific order (LBCG,) and it secretly makes me a little crazy to watch her get dressed before she brushes her teeth and does her hair.
  5. I can not sleep with any doors open in my bedroom. The closet doors, the bathroom door, and the bedroom door must be closed in order for me to sleep. I almost always used to go to bed before my XH and he would consistently forget to close the bathroom door which would make me crazy, because I would then need to get up out of bed and close the darn thing.

Oh there are LOTS more, but really people, do you NEED to know how crazy I am? I don't usually tag people but I'm feeling a bit devilish today so I will tag Lelo, Kami, and Syd.

If any of you have every done this one, just chalk it up to my other weird (bad) habit of not remembering stuff.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Important things in life

Everyone has hard times in their lives. Most of us are making our way through this experience doing the best that we can. Some people are faced with harder things in their lives than others.

Tonight when I went to work I found out that one of my co-workers lost her son last Monday.
He had Cystic Fibrosis.
He was eight years old.
Christmas day he became sick which turned into pneunomia which led to his death.
My co-worker will never be the same.

The only thing that is important in this life is the way that we love eachother. Relationships, jobs, money, material posessions, mean commenters.
Do they really matter?
Do they?

They don't.

What matters is that we live our lives with love in our hearts trying to see each other (and ourselves,) the way that God sees us.
Perfect beings of light and love (minus all of our human-ness.)

Strip everything else away and what do you have left?
Only love.
Hug your kids.
Be nice to others.
Be loving.

"Love God with all of your heart and all your soul and love eachother as you love yourself"--Matthew 22:36-40

Friday, January 06, 2006

Thanks everyone for your support and love (as always...)
XH actually wanted to talk to me this morning when I dropped off DD#2 at his house (you know, because SHE has the flu now...) He said that he was sorry that he upset me, we shouldn't talk about such things, he thinks I'm really smart and capable, you know, nice things like that.
I appreciated that very much but I still fell apart into a blubbering idiot of tears as he was talking to me.
It just drains me so much and debilitates me beyond belief. I felt like I couldn't physically get through the rest of my day.

Then my evening just got worse and worse and worse and I feel so sucked dry and empty right now I can't even think straight, (which is good I guess, since I'm not.)

I honestly feel like, aside from my beautiful children, there is absolutely NOTHING that is working in my life right now, nothing. Everything is disfunctional and not working; I'm dysfunctional and not working and I feel paralyzed by it all, like I just can't move.
Or breath.

I need a complete overhaul; lift up the lid, make adjustments, screw some things on tighter, steam clean my engine, I don't know; a labotomy? Shock treatment? Something?

Right now, I'm going to take myself to bed and wake up tomorrow, to another day, that will hopefully be better than today.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

I guess I'm a charity case

Had a phone conversation with XH that started out, I thought, quite benign and civil and left me in tears, (again.)

Through the course of our conversation I got the very clear picture that he feels that the alimony and child support that he is ordered to pay me is charity to "set me up for success." He's terribly afraid that at the end of the alimony payments I will have done nothing to try to support myself and he will be forced to make some "hard choices." Of course, he didn't elaborate as to what those "hard choices" would be, but in his true nature, there was a threatening undertone that he would never, ever admit to.

It's been a year since my divorce and my priorities have been to try to keep my children's lives as close to what they were prior to our divorce. I want to take care of them, be there for them, take them to school in the morning, pick them up when they are done, take care of them on the many, many days off from school that they have throughout the year, take them to piano lessons, soccer practice, basketball practice, softball practice, chess club, choir, and scrabble club, volunteer in their classrooms, and chaperone field trips (just to name a few...) XH says that doing those things for the children is "nothing special" and lots of parents do those things for their children all of the time.

My daughters have never spent one minute in daycare and I would like to avoid that for as long as I possibly can. Not that I think there is anything wrong with daycare, perse, but you mention the word to my children and they equate it to something similar to a concentration camp.
XH stated that the girls would be much better off if their mother was "self-sufficient" than if they had to be in daycare. He doesn't want me to need to "rely" on him (and his charity,) and that my being employed full time would better serve our children's best interest.

He makes it seem as if our divorce settlement, including my alimony payments, were something that he came up with out of the goodness of his heart. I'm sorry, if I understood the divorce laws correctly, every penny that I receive in alimony and child support is money that I am entitled to under the customary practices of the state of Oregon. Was I the only one sitting there in the lawyers office? I'm pretty sure he was sitting there with me but perhaps he was a figment of my imagination?????

He has such a knack for making me feel like a complete incompetent, incapable, stupid idiot who has my head so far up my ass that I can't see anything in front of me; he's so good at it. I suppose what I need to keep reminding myself is that he didn't value my role as a wife and a mother while we were married, why on earth would he value my role as a mother and primary caretaker/nurturer to our children now that we are divorced?

Before a million people give me crap for my allowing myself to get so upset about all of this, I will tell you that I completely refrained from discussing my point of view on most of the aforementioned items to him. It took everything inside of me to bite, (and I mean BITE,) my lip to stop myself from going ballistic and spouting off my talking points of why he was SO wrong. I calmly said, "I think that it is pointless for us to have this discussion," and he replied, "you're right...we just have different priorities."

Yes, that is true, and we always have;
which is why we're not married anymore.


Can someone please send me the MP3 of Brittany Spears, Toxic?????

I NEED it.


Wednesday, January 04, 2006

You say Joe-Pa, I say Terno!


Penn State won the Orange Bowl last night in triple overtime following the worst two failed field goal kick attempts I have ever seen. Of course, I didn't start watching the game until the two minute warning in the fourth quarter, but I'm still glad they won.

I do have a small vested interest. I attended Penn State for a short while, and was also once in love with Joe Pa's daughters husband. (They weren't married at the time, I was 16, we were in High School and he was my "first", well, you know...) He broke my heart. Sigh. I loved him so much.

Mostly I'm happy that after today this whole overblown commercialism of college football will be behind us for another year. (My apologies to Mel, who I know loves this shit...)

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Getting it out of the way...

Sick again.
I thought it was just my own damn fault, but I believe I was wrong.

Sunday was a great day and I was oh so very happy! Went to work and afterward went out for some cocktails with some work friends. I had a few red apple martinis and a fun time. Until I was getting ready to go to bed when I promptly puked my guts out. When I woke up the next morning, I really thought that I just drank too much on an empty stomach. But I didn't drink THAT much and I was really, really sick.

I couldn't move.
I could barely breath without hurting.
Everything hurt and I stayed in a horizontal position the entire day and most of today.
I either caught a flu or had some really bad Crown Royal.
I'm pretty sure it was the former.
This evening I am waiting for my mom to come over to make dinner for my girls and I plan on going back to bed.

Seems Ginger is sick too. She's been doing a really weird cough the last few days. I took her to the vet today (in between lying down,) and the vet thinks she may have kennel cough, despite being inoculated against it. He says (the cute lesbian vet wasn't in today,) that the vaccine is only about 20% effective against the virus. Who knew? She's doing fine and doesn't have a fever, she's just tired and coughing. She is also cutting teeth right now, poor baby!
DD#1 is much better. That anti-viral medicine seemed to work quite well.

So the way I see it; I'm just getting a few things out of the way for the New Year. Kids sick, dog sick, I'm sick; it's all good because that means we'll be healthy the rest of the year, right? I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow, I've got to.

Regarding Rich... You all crack me up so much. There's no need for cutting anyone, SFG, I think I'll be fine, but thanks for the offer! (I'll keep you in mind though, if anything comes up...)

I found out quite awhile ago, that my XH was told about my blog from someone. Apparently there are quite a few of my former friends and acquaintances (including Rich,) who frequent my blog and report about it to my XH.

Here's what I have to say about that...

I speak nothing but my own truth here, this is my life and my blog; no it's not "private" because it's on the internet but it's my words, my experience and my perspective. I have no problem with anyone reading it, because I'm a pretty open person to begin with. Until my blog was "outed" to my XH, I did not tell anyone about it IRL, now it doesn't seem to matter much . But regardless of that, there is nothing that I say here, or have said here that I wouldn't be comfortable talking to anyone about. Nothing.

As open as I am with my own life, other people are open with their lives to me. People who I used to be close with have shared very intimate and private parts of their lives with me. Things that I'm sure they wouldn't want broadcasted and shared with other people in any forum.

So to all of those people I'll just close with this...
Girls talk, and I know a lot of things that have been confided in me through the years.
A lot of things.
So tread lightly while walking on someone else's life.

Enough said, carry on blogging friends on the internet.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy New Year!

We had a fun New Year, despite DD#1 coming down with the flu!!! I called the doctor today and he prescribed an anti-viral medicine that XH is driving to the next town to get from the only pharmacy that has it today!

But I digress.

New Years Eve my friend Darcy came out to hang with us, (very sad that we were her best option...) We hadn't seen Darcy for Christmas yet so we started out exchanging gifts.
LBCG and I bought Darcy a calendar or Dog Poos through the year. It was really funny. (I also got her a dutch oven for camping.)

Darcy gave me a book on how to be the Pope. (See Pope Post for explanation.)
Yes, I have my hair in a ponytail. I cleaned my house and put away Holiday decorations ALL DAY and did not take a shower. Yes, it looks terrible and it gave me a headache.
Darcy also gave me a manicure set that has her company logo on it...I post this only because I like the picture that DD#1 took.
We ordered Chinese food which was good and it was even better because I did not have to cook or clean up afterward. Darcy had stopped at K-Mart for New Years hats and horns but they were out; so Darcy bought Dora the Explorer party hats instead. They worked.
Darcy's dog Winnie liked the hat too!
We did a puzzle,
Played Scene It Disney (I DOMINATE that game...I was partners with DD#3 and at one point DD#1 said, "Mom, don't you think you should give Kennedy a chance to answer.")
I danced with Winnie,
And we rang in the New Year with Dick Clark, (what HAPPENED to him anyway??? I think he really died about three years ago and they are secretly computer generating him into the show.)
Ginger loved wearing her "bling" that she got as a gift from LeLo, AdRi, and Wink.
and was so tired today,

All in all it was a fun, entertaining and lovely evening. I am determined that 2006 is going to be a banner year for me! I'm very hopeful because this morning for the first time in a long time I didn't think about something awful the minute I awoke.

2005 was an odd year. I think that explains a lot. Bad things happen on odd years, really they do, think about it. But anyway that's all behind us now and we can look forward to a nice, even, good 2006 (and 2007 because despite its oddness, it's a seven and seven is always lucky.) So the way I see it, we have three GOOD years ahead of us. Yippee!

May the higher powers of your life bless and keep you all happy and healthy and safe this coming (three) years. Much love to my Hooker Ass Bitches and all my other blogging family and friends!

I heart you all; thank you for being there for me, supporting and caring about me through many miles and miles of bandwidth, everyday. You all rock my world. (Except you, Rich... if you're reading, then fuck off.) That's a story for another time, blogging friends. Today is a HAPPY Day!

Love, hugs and kisses for a Happy New (three) Years!