My Mother Read My Blog

Okay, it happened.

I knew it probably would someday, even as technology challenged as my dear mother is, and I have no one to blame but myself.

Last week, I was over at her house, I checked comments on my blog from her computer.
I left the URL on the browser.
I'm a fucking idiot.

So I called her tonight and asked her what she was doing.
She said she was reading my blog.
I had a minor panic and I asked her what she read.

My mother's so fucking paranoid, (hi mom,) you know what she was looking for?

Stuff about HER! She was sure I had written posts about what a terrible mother she was and how she fucked up my life.

How narcissitic is that?

I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Macy Lives

Macy Lives
Originally uploaded by recoveringstraightgirl.

My little dog survived her surgery, as you can see in this photo.

She had all of her teeth removed except for one and the vet said that she got through procedure just fine.

I know she looks a bit disoriented, but she is on PAIN KILLERS!

I know, you're wondering, "how the hell is she going to eat without any teeth?" She will be on a soft food diet for the rest of her life, (however long that is...)

So, thanks for the well wishes.
It's all good.
The dog lives.
Thanks to the skills of a very nice lesbian vet and $465.00!

A couple of things to say...

None of them are really all that interesting but I feel the NEED to BLOG!

I will be heading out to my Glamorous Waitressing Job today where I will work two doubles in a row. There I will deal with crazy people and be on my feet all fucking day long. In the middle of the day I will take a break and have lunch and maybe later I'll smoke a cigarette with my new friend Denise, who now reads my blog, (Hi Denise!)

Denise, so far, is NOT one of the crazy people that I work with at my Glamorous Waitressing Job. If she turns out to be, I'll be sure to tell you. Denise reminds me of a gal who used to work for me years ago named Jolene. I always like Jolene, and I believe I have transferred my liking of Jolene to my liking of Denise because they remind me of each other.

I don't know what happened to Jolene.

Yesterday I took my fucking barking dog to the vet. It actually wasn't so bad, I was expecting far worse. Turns out Macy (my fucking barking dog,) has a tooth issue (again,) and needs to have oral surgery (again,) to probably remove the rest of her remaining eight teeth. Yes, I will have a toothless dog; not to be confused with a hairless cat. I don't have one of those.

So, several hundred dollars later, she is scheduled to have her surgery tomorrow where there is a chance she will DIE during it. Yes, I said she might DIE. I'm not being heartless or insensitive here, I am being realistic. She is OLD, fourteen years old, and she has to go under the knife. She is already a bit compromised because she has a heart murmur and possibly a kidney issue. It's not pretty. The vet, (a very nice "family" member,) was very straight with me, (except that she's not,) about the possibility that Macy might not pull through, but really there is nothing else to do. She's been barking and driving me crazy probably because she's in pain, and I didn't know, because I thought she was crazy. Which she probably is that too. So, now Macy is on pain med's and anti-biotics and we'll see what tomorrow brings. She'll either get better or she'll die. I hope she gets better, she really is a nice dog when she isn't barking all of the fucking time.

The other thing I wanted to blog about, which seems strange after writing about how my dog might die tomorrow, is pop-tarts.

My kids have rarely had pop-tarts because they contain partially hydrogenated soybean oil, and we don't eat that shit because it will fucking kill you.

So the other day, I'm shopping at Trader Joes, (which BTW, I heard someone in blogland was DISSING on TJ's and I don't like hearing that shit,) and as I'm buying organic cocoa puffs, I spy ORGANIC POP TARTS. How cool is that? So I buy a box and bring them home to try out on the kiddies. They fucking love them! and you know what, SO DO I!

I'm addicted to organic pop-tarts and I am so fucking happy. So far, I've only tried strawberry and apple, they are GOOOOD!

Well, I'm off; it's time to hit the showers and go serve people high quality food and a bit of nurturing entertainment from the Recovering Straight Girl.

Have a good weekend all!

Stuff-Portrait Friday

Well it's SPF again as per Kristine my pimp.
Today's SPF is to show your religious icon, your frig inside and out, and your purse or shoe collection.

My Religious Icon

My religious icon
Originally uploaded by recoveringstraightgirl.

I don't really have any religious icons in my home. I am quite a spiritual person but I really don't have any "things" in my house that represent any one religious path.

So I picked my Starbuck's Barista Machine because it is part of my ritual every day.

My Refrigerator-Outside

Outside of refrig
Originally uploaded by recoveringstraightgirl.

This is the outside of my refrigerator. I don't usually like a lot of "stuff" on the outside but I have all of these kids who are constantly putting stuff on it.

This frig came with my house when I bought it. I don't really love it, but it does what it's suppossed to do, you know, keeps things cold.

My Refrigerator-Inside

Inside of refrig
Originally uploaded by recoveringstraightgirl.

This is the inside of my refrigerator. I made a trip to Trader Joes this week and to Costco so today I actually have something IN my frig.

Nothing really interesting in there...

My favorite shoes

My favorite shoes
Originally uploaded by recoveringstraightgirl.

Instead of showing my shoe collection which is stored in about five different places around my house, I decided to show you my favorite shoes.

These are my dr. marten sandals that I bought three summers ago. I love these shoes more than anything. I know that they are not that great to look at, but I LOVE them. They go with shorts, capris, jeans, even some skirts.

The buckles on these shoes have each been repaired FOUR TIMES. Finally I got so sick and tired of the buckle breaking that I fixed them myself with pony-tail holders. They do a marvelous job and I didn't need to spend another cent at the shoe repair store. Hopefully these pony-tail holders will make it through the summer.

Additional note: I tried to replace these shoes with a NEW pair of Dr. Martens that are really cool and they are red leather. I do like them and everything but when I am getting dress these old shoes just CALL to me. They say, "Please, Recovering Straight Girl, please, please WEAR me!"

Hot Oregon Day

Silly girls
Originally uploaded by recoveringstraightgirl.

Yes, as I said it was in the 90's yesterday and the girls wanted to go to play in the fountains. They had a great time while I read my book. I'm reading "Ya-Ya's in Bloom" if anyone is interested.

Oregon is Beautiful!

Mt. Hood on a sunny day
Originally uploaded by recoveringstraightgirl.

Southern Fried Girl, I thought I would answer your comment question with a picture.

This is what Oregon looks like on a beautiful day. Although it's not the clearest picture, I snapped this last night around 8pm from my car window as I was driving to look at that car. This is at the top of a hill overlooking the valley. The mountain that you can see is Mt. Hood; also visible yesterday were her sister mountains, to her right, Mt. Adams, and to her left Mt. St. Helens. I could only get one in the picture at a time though.

Self-Portrait Day

IMG_0278
Originally uploaded by recoveringstraightgirl.

Here we are on our way to the fountains. It's a beautiful sunny Oregon day in the 80's today.

I've been taking a lot of SHIT from people who have been saying that I'm not blogging enough lately (I won't mention any names Shelly and Darcy,) so I will try to post more later!

I'm on the search for a new car. I think I may have it narrowed down to either a 2004 Pilot I found on Craigslist, a 2004 Volvo V70, or a 2005 Ford Freestyle. If anyone has any inputs, I'm happy to hear your opinion. All of them cost about the same.

Time travel and destiny

I just finished a very lovely book.
I really love to read and I am very picky about what I choose to spend my time reading. I went through a phase for many, many years that I would only read authors that I had read before and enjoyed. Lucky for me, two of those authors were Stephen King and Dean Koontz, who both manage to produce books on a regular basis. I spent a long time switching between the two of them filling my brain with lots of pleasant stories about rape, murder, serial killers, and imaginary twin brothers who died in utero but remained to torture a suburban dad. You know, upbeat stuff. Occasionally I would throw in a John Grisham novel just as brain crack.

Then I began to have children.
That was when my reading selections switched from those of horror and terror to diaper rashes and attachment parenting.
A couple of years ago I switched back to reading for pleasure and have tried to force myself to read outside of my typical genres and try something new, (well except romance novels, I don't think I could bring myself; is that even a genre?)

So when I go to Costco to make my weekly $100.00 deposit, along with the toilet paper, milk, bread, and cereal buying; I always check out the book section. I like to buy books at Costco because they are cheap, cheap, cheap; and I HAVE to buy books because I am NOT a library person. Not that I have anything against the library; they are great places and do a lot of great things for, you know, literacy and everything.

The thing about the library that I am unable to comply to is the fact that they have DUE DATES on the books that you check out. And if, by chance, you happen to "forget" the due date, or "forget" that you even have the book(s) from the local public library, when you finally DO figure it out and return them, (oh, sometimes, months later,) they charge you LATE FEES. By the time I pay the LATE FEE, I may as well have just bought the damn book at Costco.

Costco has a lot of books, from lot of genres, (I'm sure they probably even have romance novels,) and I enjoy browsing the book selection looking for something that's not about murder and mayhem, and not about rape and incest, but IS something I would be interested in reading. One day I came across a book that looked quite good; I was drawn to it because it reminded me of one of my favorite Dean Koontz, Lightning. The title of this, just finished book is The Time Travelers Wife by Audrey Niffenegger.

The book Lightning, is about a time traveler from Nazi Germany in the 1940's. The Nazi's had built a time machine that could only go forward in time which they used to figure out the mistakes that they made in losing the war so not to repeat the same mistakes. One of the time travelers on one of his trips to the future falls in love with a woman he sees signing books at a book store. He checks in on her in different times of her life (all which are in the future for him,) and makes changes to somehow better her circumstances. Inevitably though, he learns that nothing can change destiny and everything that is meant to happen will happen; and that true love withstands all time, space, and realities.

In The Time Travelers Wife, one of the two main characters, Henry, is a time traveler. Now Henry doesn't need a machine because he has a genetic (dis)order that causes him to spontaneously time travel to either the past or the future. When he time travels, he goes to another time without anything (including his clothing,) and returns to his present the same way. Unlike the time traveling character in Lightning, Henry is able to be with "himself" in other times, ie. Henry of the present can hang out with Henry of the past or future. Henry has no control of where he time travels or how long he stays. But like the time traveling character in Lightning, Henry also learns that nothing can change destiny and everything that is meant to happen will happen; and that true love withstands all time, space, and realities.

The book was wonderful, extremely well written for a first novel, and quite deep and thought provoking. It made me think about all of the choices that we make in our lives not sure that they are the right ones or not. We travel through our own time, and other people's time impacting them on so many levels without even realizing it. What if we would have turned left instead of right on the road of life? What if we would have stopped and helped someone in need that we ignored? What if we had taken that chance that was a huge risk, but didn't, how would our lives been different today?

I like to think about what I would do if I could time travel. What would I say to myself of, say 1987, the year I graduated from High School? Would I tell her to apply herself better in school, don't date that one guy that would break her heart, don't get married to that other guy who turned out to be a complete ass (XH #1,) don't spend so much money? What would I say?

Would I really want to change ANYTHING? Isn't everything that has happened in my life, painful as some of it has been, MADE me who I am? Now some people might say, "Recovering Straight Girl, why would you WANT to be who you are; a narcissitic divorced lesbian, with a former lovely but confused girlfriend, who waits tables on the weekends?"

Well, I don't really know who else I would be. I am just me and I AM living my life, (sucky as it may sometimes be,) and I am living it to the fullest and best that I can possibly do.

So what would I say to myself in 1987? I would probably just tell myself to buy stock in Microsoft, Starbucks, and Nike at the appropriate time, but otherwise just live life and enjoy the ride. Everything else will be as it's meant to be.

Stuff Portrait Friday

Once again, as per Kristine, the blog pimping QUEEN; we have Stuff Portrait Friday.
Today's theme is to show your:

1. Relaxing Place
2. Your Medicine Cabinet
3. A Souvenier from a trip

Below is mine; I can't wait to see yours!

My relaxing place

This is my relaxing place.
My bedroom.

I had to clean up this bitch to take the picture, ten minutes before there was clean laundry all over the bed. I really hate putting clean laundry away.
I like to sleep.
A lot.
I love to go back to bed after I've been up for awhile.
I like to read in bed.
I like to do it in bed.
I like to watch tv in bed.
I really love my bed.

My Medicine Cabinet

Medicine Cabinet
Originally uploaded by recoveringstraightgirl.

I don't have a medicine cabinet, I keep all of the medicine above the sink in that little cabinet that isn't good for anything.
I took a picture of my favorite drugs,
XANEX!

Souvenier from a trip

This is a souvenier from a trip that my XH and I took to the beach eight years and nine months ago.

Souvenier
Originally uploaded by recoveringstraightgirl.

Kindergarten Concert

Okay, it was Kindergarten concert time for dd#3! She was so very, very excited and hasn't shut up about it for days. Today, I took her to Target for a new outfit, (I know, I know, BIG spender!) She picked out her skirt and sparkley blue sandals to match. She was so excited that she started crying an hour before the concert because there was still an hour to go!

Concert
Originally uploaded by recoveringstraightgirl.

She's the one in the far back left with her arm in the air!

This picture was taken by dd#1 outside of the school after the concert. I had just a little too much product in my hair and not enough lipstick.

kennedy and mommy
Originally uploaded by recoveringstraightgirl.

Cute, cute stuff. There's nothing much sweeter than 100 six year olds singing "I'm a Little Teapot!"

I'm a Narcissist?

A very nice reader, named, "Anonymous" commented this on my post, To My Former Friends:

"Your narcissism is appalling. I've gone through these posts and I'll give you this advice-stop trying to find validation for your shitty ways from other people. Your concern for yourself, however, is touching. Maybe you should become "The Masturbatory Single Girl" so you don't do anyone else any damage with your narcissism. I hope your daughters take after their father. I really do."

Being the insightful person that I try to be, I thought that I should at least look into the possibility that I am, indeed, a narcissist.

So doing what any insightful person who is interested in something would do; I googled "narcissism."I found out this on NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder.)

According to American Psychiatric Association, the following is the description of someone who has NPD. The follwing list was amended by Dr. Sam Vakin and can be seen here. Let's see if it sounds like me. (ME, ME, ME!!!)

American Description Diagnostic Criteria

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy, *I do want to be a princess, or at least I want to have a TIARA on my blog, or behavior, *I do sometimes act like Madonna when I'm singing in the shower), need for admiration *please bow down to me and my Tiared princess self, and lack of empathy *I don't give a flying fuck about any of you, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements) Yes, this does sound like me, (ME, ME, ME!) Wasn't I just telling all of you about the high ranking accomplishments that I have just recently achieved at my brilliant and incredibly powerful career that I have, you know the weekend WAITRESSING job that I'm doing!! I am so important there, I don't think that the place could possibly go on operating if I left that job Wasn't I also just telling all of you in my post Love In Limbo, how I was so fucking brilliant at math and that I was a rocket scientist?
2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion Yes, Yes, Yes! I am all the time sitting in bed dreaming about getting discovered and marrying Gwen Stefani after she finds out how great in bed I am, (oh, wait, I really DO do that!)
3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions) Yes, I only shop at the RITZY grocery stores with the important, special and smart people. My children only play at the NICE park in town (after attending their public school,) and we only wear the FINEST in Target apparel.
4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply) I want you all to FEAR and LOATHE the day that you first read my blog. Be afraid, be very, very afraid. *Actually I really hate it when I am given recognition/admiration from others. It makes me feel very uncomfortable; attention, though I do enjoy.
5. Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favourable priority treatment Yes, I expect that when I go throught the drive thru at McDonalds that they give me exactly ten sugars for my iced tea, and I expect them to do it quickly and not make me wait!
6. Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends I do sometimes make my dd's run in and get my drycleaning for me.
7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others Yes, I am exactly this way; and that is made very apparent by my previous profession of being a doula. Every woman, when she is giving birth, wants to hire a doula who doesn't give a shit about her feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, or choices.
8. Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly I would like to have one of those 80 hour recordable dvd TiVo's, but I don't know anyone who has one that I can be jealous of and want to fuck them up.
9. Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, "above the law", and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy. No one ever contradicts me, oh except for my kids every fucking day! And yes, I guess I am arrogant and haughty, except for most of the time when I can't stand myself. And I'm certainly omnipotent and invincible, which is why I spend sleepless nights worrying about everyone and everything in my life. And rage? Oh yes, I'm all the time starting fistfights.

Some other interesting facts:
Only about 1% of the populations are narcissists.
Most narcissists are men, (50-75%.)
I wonder how many of them are lesbians?

Some famous narcissists:
Well, I couldn't really find a list so I made up my own (because I'm superior and omnipotent!)

Narcissus: was the original narcissit from the Greek Mythology. He loved to look at himself in a pool of water. That's where they got the name; I wonder why they didn't call it Kathrynissus, bastards!

Jesus: had to be considered a narcissit. I'm mean come on, He was all the time talking about "being God" and claiming that He could "walk on water," and "turn water into wine, Talk about omnipotent and omniscient!

Hitler: Really don't need to explain anything about THIS guy. He was THE FURER afterall, trying to take over the world and shit; so superior that he tried to take out a whole fucking race!

George W. Bush: And my favorite narcissit; our fine president.
God talks to him, God told him to be president, yada, yada, yada, yada.

So there you have it, fine readers from the internet.
Apparently I am, indeed a narcissit. I wonder if there is any help available?

And before anyone gets bent out of shape that I put pictures of Jesus and Hitler on the same page, you must realize that I can do whatever I want because I'm a tiared wearing princess who knows everything and doesn't care what anyone else thinks!

*I accidently deleted the pictures I used for this post from my flickr account. I didn't realize that it would delete them from my blog. I wasn't be a pussy about taking shit about the post!

Gwen fucking Stefani

Okay, on a much lighter note than my earlier pathetic post, my girlfriend Gwen Stefani will be on Ellen today. Check your local listings!

She is so hot.

Love in Limbo

Well, once again, The Recovering Straight Girl and her Lovely But Confused Girlfriend are "taking a break" from our relationship. I'm not sure when the last break ended but we seem to be on about a two week cycle here.

It seems kind of odd that two people who gave up so much in order to be together are constantly needing to "take a break" from their relationship; but here we are once again.

And here I am, once again, feeling very bad, and sorry for mself, and a bit desolate, and abandoned, and confused, and smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee on my patio blogging to all of you nice folks. *Just a side note, my XH would completely freak out if he knew that I was smoking cigarettes while typing on my very expensive lap top that he bought for me; imagine what the smoke does to my screen, and what if I dropped an ash while typing with a Parliament Light in my hand, yee gads!

My LBCG says that she needs some time to figure out if this is a relationship that she wants to be in. All indications over the past ten months have all shown that it IS a relationship that she wants to be in, but because of her complete confusion, she is unable to determine that with absolute certainty.

Leaving me once again in the state aforementioned.

She doesn't know if she wants to "break-up," she thinks that she needs a few days to figure that out. What did she say? Something like she needs to take some time to decide if she can live without me or not.

Exactly what am I suppossed to do with that information?
I wish someone would tell me.
Give me some kind of scientific formula or algebraic equation or deductive reasoning on which to go on.
You know, an if x=a and b=c then x+b=ac; I don't know, I sucked at math.
Maybe I can do it:
If:
x=LBCG doesn't know if she wants to be with RSG, and
y=RSG wants LBCG to know for sure that she wants to be with RSG, and
z=LBCG and RSG break up, then
x+y=z?
Is that right? Can someone proof my work?
Or does x+y need "time" to conclude z?
Is there a "time" element built into z?
Does algebra take into consideration "time?"

I don't know, I'm not a rocket scientist.

I'm just one former suburban-soccer-mom-homemaker, recovering straight girl trying to figure out one very fucked up situation.

On my own

The song "On My Own" from Les Miserables has been playing in my head all morning. I took DD's to school this morning and came back to my house and crawled back into bed hoping to go back to sleep. Instead of sleeping, that song kept playing in my head.

I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up between 3:00 and 5:00 am and couldn't go back to sleep.
Thoughts of everything plagued my brain.

I worried about things that are just crazy to worry about.

Like whether or not I got the right mortgage on my house because I read a column by Suze Orman in Oprah Magazine that said I did not.

I worried about my job. Not my glamorous waitressing job but the job that I'm going to have to get in a year and a half to better support myself when my alimony goes down by $500.00 a month.

I worried about the fact that I need to buy a new car within the next two weeks because my lease is up and I need to turn it in by June 4th.

I worried about my XH getting remarried to someone who lives in California and what if he wants to move there and not be near our children. I worried about this because then I would want to move to California so that my DD's could be near their father and my mom would get mad at me because she moved from Pennsylvania to Oregon to move near me two years ago. Would my mom want to move to California? I think not. If this happened and I didn't move, how would I get all of the girls to their soccer games? (This I totally manifested in my brain, I have no idea if my XH is even dating anyone, let alone someone from California, I made it all up.)

Mostly I worried because my relationship with my Lovely But Confused Girlfriend is not going well; and I'm afraid that I'm going to lose her.

I'm worried about being alone.

On my own.

I thought about what I've done. How I changed everything. I thought about my life the way that it used to be when I didn't have so much of this stuff to worry about.

The being alone part.

My biggest fear while I was married to my XH was that he would someday leave me and I would need to raise our children on my own. I was afraid that I would be on my own, without him and need to worry about all of these things that I am now worrying about.

But he didn't leave me.

He wasn't planning on leaving me.

I took my greatest fear and made it come true. But I was the one who made it happen.

I did the worse thing that a woman can do to her husband.

I left him.

For another woman.

And it's not going so well.

Not because we don't love eachother like crazy, because we do. It's just all so hard and so complicated and difficult to understand. I just wish it was easier.

I had a lot of chances to let her go, and she could have gone back to her life the way that it was. There was always something that told me that I should do that. If I loved her, I should force her to try to work things out with her partner. She would be happier I think if I had done that. That is not an option anymore, too much damage has been done. It would have been easier to live with the fact that I made choices and changed my life but that she could go back to her life and be reasonably happy.

Now she's not happy and it's my fault.

She's not happy because we don't know how to quite operate as a couple because things have been so conflicted and chaotic in our lives.

She doesn't like her life and she doesn't know how to change it. I don't know how to help her because I don't really know what she wants. She doesn't know what she wants.

We don't communicate very well in times of strain. All of my old fears and defenses come out and she doesn't know how to handle me. Her frustrations and offenses come out and I don't know how to handle her. We have brought our old modus operandi's with us into our relationship and are unsure how to re-program.

My XH had two emotions in our relationship: love and anger.
If he was angry with me, he didn't show love.
He didn't get hurt, he got mad; and when he got mad he wouldn't talk to me.
I would always try to talk to him, but he wouldn't have it; it would make him more angry that I was trying to talk to him about it, tell him how I felt.
I would try to get to the bottom of his anger, but he would shut me out.
He wouldn't talk to me (it felt like he was punishing me,) and I would worry that he was considering leaving me.
He would get very offensive.
I would get very defensive.
Sometimes he would attack me (often he would attack me,) and I would feel even worse.
After a while, (days sometimes,) he would apologize and go back to loving me again.
There was never any room for any other emotions, (I don't think he had any,) and during the whole "angry" interaction I would feel hurt and abandoned and sad.
That was how we operated for ten years of marriage.

When my LBCG get frustrated, she sounds angry. I feel like she's being offensive, even if it's not directed at me.
I feel like I need to be defensive because that's what I'm used to.

She's used to someone "calming" her down.
Listening to her.
Validating her.
Loving her through the situation.

I don't know how to do that.
I wish I did.

I don't assume good intent. I assume that I'm being attacked and need to defend myself.
It's not a nice quality to have, and I don't know how to change it.
I'm afraid that I'm going to lose her because of it.

And I'll be on my own.

Glamorous Waitressing Weekend

This weekend was my first weekend where I was "officially" on the schedule at my glamorous waitressing job. It was so fucking thrilling I just couldn't believe it.

Actually, I must say that I have been pleasantly surprised at the ease of the transition; the staff has been extremely nice and very welcoming, and I feel pretty comfortable with what I'm doing. It's amazing how all that shit just comes back to you like it does. It will do fine for now until I can figure out what I'm going to "do" with the rest of my life; plus I made lots of money, and I wasn't even that busy.

Knowing people who work in restaurants, and seeing people who go to restaurants gives you a complete perspective on humanity on so many levels.

People who work together in restaurants get caught up into each others lives so much more than in any other work environment I've ever seen. They are like a big disfunctional family. Every person is a little bit fucked up (with the exception of a few, like me, who is so normal,) and has some kind of drama in their life (with the exception of a few, like me, who has NO drama) and is not exactly sure where their going or what it is that they want out of life, (again, with the exception of a few, like me, who knows exactly what I want.) There's always lots of co-worker friendships and relationships and generally "restaurant people" socialize with each other quite a bit.

additionally, people who work in restaurants (in the front of the house,) need to have a kind of personality that is nurturing, professional, quick-thinking, intelligent, charismatic, charming, and doesn't take any shit, all at the same time. That, believe it or not, is hard to come by. Servers and bartenders are care-takers, entertainers, salespeople, and manual fucking workers, tied up in one; and have to do it all with a smile.

People who GO to restaurants is a dynamic of all peoples personality, mixed up and sitting in your section at all different times of the shift.

You have:

Old people who sip Chivas on the rocks and complain that you don't remove their cocktail glass in a timely manner. They tell you this politely in front of everyone else in your section.

Young people, going to the prom, who order Virgin Strawberry daiquiris but smell like Southern Comfort, and leave a $2.00 tip.

Middle-aged couples, who have a silent dinner because HE states that it was his third time eating at your restaurant this week, but forgot when he mentioned this that he didn't have those dinners with HER.

Families with kids who spill crackers all over the fucking floor.

Groups of men who hit on you the whole time that they're there.

And the highest of highest of maintenance people who want to order a tuna-fish sandwich (which isn't remotely on our menu, and has be made by grilling the hell out of a piece of fresh Ahi from Hawaii and mixing it with mayonnaise.)

All of the above types of people were people at my glamorous waitressing job, just this weekend.

All in all; it wasn't that bad, except that it did get in the way of my blogging and seeing the season finale of The L Word, which thank God for TiVo, I'll be able to watch later after my dd's are neatly tucked into bed.

And did I mention I made a lot of money?

Stuff-Portrait Friday

Kristine invited everyone to participate in Stuff-Portrait Friday. Go to her blog for any questions, or concerns.

I just like to play what everyone else is playing...

The Ugliest Thing Hanging in my House

This mirror is realy ugly.

I painted it to match the other color of my walls because I was too cheap to buy the one I wanted at Pier One that was $150.00.

My LBCG really hates this mirror.

Someday I'll replace it.

My haircare products

My haircare products are always different. I go to Walgreens every once in awhile and just buy whatever "curly-haired" hair products that they have on sale. I just put a whole lot of crap in my hair and hope for the best.

With curly hair like mine, it's just the luck of the draw of how it will turn out that day, really I don't know why I bother.

My most prized material possession.

I got this right before XH and I got divorced.

I really love it I love it because it has a big screen and a cool docking station and wireless internet, mouse and keyboard (which just started acting up from time to time, (I think it might be dirty?)

Without it, I couldn't blog and read all of you bitches blogs.

Oh, and my wallpaper is of SHANE, who is the hottest character on my favorite lesbian show, The L Word.

Tagged Again...

Okay, I was tagged by Little Sister to pick out some of these phrases to complete.

If I could be a scientist
If I could be a farmer: I would grow lavender and grapes for wine; like a good lesbian should.
If I could be a musician: I would make my agent book me a tour with GWEN FUCKING STEFANI!
If I could be a doctor
If I could be a painter
If I could be a gardener
If I could be a missionary
If I could be a chef
If could be an architect
If I could be a linguist
If I could be a psychologist
If I could be a librarian
If I could be an athlete
If I could be a lawyer
If I could be an inn-keeper
If I could be a professor
If I could be a writer: I would write books about childbirth and being a lesbian, and I'd be on Oprah.
If I could be a llama-rider
If I could be a bonnie pirate: I, like others, would go looking for Johnny Depp and we would be best friends and we would drink rum, find treasures and pick up chicks together. Plus I would probably do him too.
If I could be an astronaut
If I could be a world famous blogger: Then all my dreams would come true! I would get up in the morning, make coffee, blog all day, read OPB's, and get paid for it! Oh, and I'd be on Oprah!
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world
If I could be married to any current famous political figure: I'd be married to George W. Bush and try to talk some fucking sense into him, (or smother him while he slept if that didn't work!)

You know you're from Portland when...

I was reading Southern Fried Girl who lives in New Orleans and she had one of these lists, "You know you're from New Orleans..." I didn't know if there was a Pacific NW version, so I did a google search and found one which of course I had to amend to suit my needs. I think these lists are funny, because even if you're not from the area that you're reading the list, it gives you a picture into life there.

I think everyone should find one of these lists from their area and post it on their site, that would be fun.

You know you're from Portland when:

1. You never throw aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
2. You use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.
3. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee and you don't feel at all weird spending five minutes doing it.
4. You have a "coffee" budget line in Quicken.
5. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
6. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Coffee People.
7. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
8. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima, and Willamette.
9. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
10. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark—while only working eight-hour days.
11. In the summer, the sun is still shining at 9:30 at night.
12. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
13. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
14. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation
15. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
16. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.
17. You say, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
18. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear a sweatshirt.
19. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60.
20. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain. (Not me, not athletic!)
21. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
22. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.
23. You measure distance in hours.
24. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. (The temperature will often rise over 30 degrees from 7:00 am to 4:00 pm.)
25. In the summer, 5:00 in the afternoon is the hottest time of the day.
26. When you go away for a long weekend, you go to the mountain, the beach, or the desert.
27. It doesn't really matter what your kids Halloween costumes look like; because they will be under a raincoat in the dark.
28. You understand what it means when someone is giving you directions and they say, "find a bridge."
29. You can name all of the bridges in order from South to North. (Sellwood, Ross Island, Marquam, Hawthorne, Morrison, Burnside, Steel, Broadway, Fremont.)
30. When someone asks you a question like, "Did you have fun at the park?" You look at them, pause, and thoughtfully reply, "I did."
31. You go to Nordstroms, Meier and Franks, and Fred Meyers to shop. (Candians add u's, Portlanders add s's.)

It's Question and Answer Time

You all know that I am The Recovering Straight Girl and am all new to this whole lesbian thing.

I am also a very thorough researcher and like to have a LOT of information about things that I am interested in or doing in my life. I make it my personal mission to find out as much as possible about whatever subject is prevalent in my life at the time.

When I was first undergoing the "conversion" process, I was really wanting to find a book or something to show me the way to becoming a full-fledged lesbian. Well, my blogging friends on the Internet, no such book or something exists; and that is when I first had the idea for The Recovering Straight Girl.

During the last ten months, I have done a lot of research about what it is to be a lesbian and what lesbians do. I have made some lesbian friends, hung out in lesbian venues and happen to live in a city that claims to have more lesbians per capita than any city in the US. (I don't know about Canada, d.) I feel like I have a pretty good handle on the whole thing, (the lesbian thing that is.)

So anyway; I thought I would open this post up to questions from you, my blogging friends on the Internet about what it is to be a lesbian. I want to test my own knowledge and at the same time, do a service to others that may be out there and wondering. Believe it or not; I'm not the only straight woman to "turn" gay. There are a lot of us out there; I even know one right now who is going through "the change."

You can ask anything; anything you like.

I know you have questions.

You can even comment anonymously if you're embarrassed.

Come on, I dare you...

Clorox Bleach Pen

Okay. Yesterday I was shopping at Target, buying a few things. I needed detergent, (they had my favorite kind, Gain, on sale,) and some new foundation and some spray starch to iron my shirts for my glamorous new waitressing job. So, while I'm in the cleaning products isle, (which I adore,) I came across those Clorox Bleach pens. I've always wanted one, but I just never shelled out the $4.99 that they cost. Yesterday, though, I was living on the edge and I bought one.

I just now took it out of the package so I could do some laundry and you know what?

It comes in a little case with a magnet on the back so it can STICK to your washing machine.

Whoever thought of that was a FUCKING GENIUS!

All of you MUST go out right now and buy one.

I was tagged; My Ten Favorite Things

I was tagged by d. to post about My Ten Favorite Things. Now d. is Canadian so she spells favorite like favourite, but I'm rebellious so I'm going to spell it the American way; favorite. (What's with all of the u's anyway?)

My Ten Favorite Things

1. Chocolate. Chocolate of any kind, but especially chocolate mousse. I really dig chocolate mousse. (That has a "u" in it, is there a Canadian way to spell it? Perhaps it's mouusse, with two "u's"?) *I must pause here to go get my leftover chocolate mousse cake from dinner out last night.
2. Sleeping. I really LOVE to sleep. I love to stay up late and sleep in late and then take naps. I love naps. Napping is the greatest fucking thing ever.
3. Fancy, Sweet Martinis. Pour some vodka in a shaker, add some kind of sweet booze and a little juice, and carefully strain it into a fancy, sugar-rimmed glass. Oh yes, I love that. Cosmopolitans, Lemon Drops, Spicy Bitches, I love them all.
4. Dancing. I love to dance, especially after a few fancy, sweet, martinis. I really like to dance to Prince and Madonna; and of course Gwen, (my girlfriend.) And now, that I'm a Recovering Straight Girl, I love to dance with GIRLS!
5. The smell of rain on a summer afternoon. You know when it's hot all day and then suddenly it starts to rain? The cool rain hits the hot pavement and steam rises up from the ground? It makes that smell? THAT'S the one!
6. Iced Tea. I love freshly brewed iced tea. Not that crap that comes out of a soda machine or that other powdered crap that comes out of a can or a jar; real iced tea, made with real tea and water. I like to add a SHITLOAD of sugar to mine, yum.
7. The way my children look when they're sleeping. I love the look of a sleeping child, especially MY sleeping children. All of their pain in the assness just disapears when they are asleep, it's quite sweet. I really liked to look at them when they were babies and they would fall asleep while they were nursing; that "milk coma" look that they would have, when their eyes would roll back into their heads and they would just be OUT!
8. Dressing up and going out. I love to dress up, in a pretty dress with pretty shoes and uncomfortable undergarments. I love to put on make-up and gussy up my hair and paint my nails, and hit the town. I like to eat in fancy restaurants, sip fancy drinks, use my "good" manners and have people look at me.
   My favorite place to dress up and go out: on a cruise. Oh, the smell of the ocean, the rocking of the boat, the lovlieness of the ship, it's so fucking amazing.
   I wish I could afford to cruise all of the time.
   Of course, now that I'm a full-fledged LESBIAN, I need to go on an Olivia cruise.
   My God, I would feel as though I died and gone straight to dyke heaven.
9. The smell of my Lovely But Confused Girlfriend. I really love the way that she smells, I even love the way she smells if she's "stinky." I love her smell if she's clean, dirty, freshly showered or sweaty. She always smells GOOD to me, and I love it.
10. Blogging. Okay, I'm big dork. I love blogging. I feel good when I blog, I feel refreshed, I feel energized, I feel complete in a way. I feel like things get put into perspective in my crazy, disorganized brain. I feel connected to all of you who I read and who read me. I feel a little bit important, I like it.

Okay, that's it. That's ten. Who should I tag?

I tag Merry Widow, Little Sister, Curly Girl, and Charlotte.

A Reply to Eric

Recently Eric posted a comment on my post, All About Me, He said this:

Hi Recovering Straight Girl,
Just a question about your recent realization about being a lesbian. Was it the culmination of lots of repressed long-standing interest in women, or did your Lovely But Confused Girlfriend just bowl you over, out of the blue?I ask because if it's the latter, it might be well true that you're bisexual and crazy in love with the Lovely But Confused Girlfriend... it just seems from reading throughout your site that you put nearly all your emotional eggs in her basket, as it were, and that can be very painful if her basket goes away.Just curious, and I hope all goes well for you, and things get better going forward.-- Eric

I started to reply to his comment when it occurred to me that it might be worth examining in a post. Afterall, I am blogging about being a Recovering Straight Girl, so it only makes sense that I would go into that a bit.

I think that it's a fair question and one that I've asked myself several thousand times over the last ten months. It's true that it seems that I turned dyke overnight; and part of me finds that a bit mystifying, being that I was seemingly straight for the first thirty-five years of my life.

I do believe that I was bowled over emotionally by my Lovely But Confused Girlfriend. I was shocked at how quickly that my emotions went from ones of friendship to unbelievable attraction and desire. I was also shocked at how easily I was able to allow myself to go there; taking that turn down "Gay Avenue" (BTW, I met Little Sisters second ex-husband, the homo-dork there.)

After having some time to process the emotions that I was having, I did realize that I did have a long standing need to be with women throughout my life. I always had a deep emotional need to have very connected relationships with women in my life, and at the same time, I never felt safe in any relationship that I was in with a man. Looking back at it, there were a lot of markers along the way that I ignored for whatever reasons. I just thought the things that I was experiencing were normal and didn't give them a second thought as being a "homosexual tendency."

Okay, I thought that ALL women had dreams that they were fucking other women.

I thought ALL women fantasized about Gwen Stefani, and that they were all secretly waiting for Gwen to show up on their doorstep and ask them to run away with her, and that all women wrote letters to Gwen Stefani in their diaries about how wonderful that she is and how much they love her.

I thought that ALL women got really, really, really, turned on by the girl/girl action in porno movies, and that when they watched those kind of movies in hotels in Las Vegas with their husbands that all women would rather watch the girls in the movie get it on than get it on with their husbands.

I thought all women remembered with distinction that seen in "Basic Instinct" where Sharon Stone is dancing (in a very hot manner) with her ver hot girlfriend at that very hot nightclub.

So, anyway, there were a few clues along the way.

No, I wasn't one of those women who were in love with their fourth grade teacher, or who fooled around with their girlfriends in junior high, but I certainly had attractions to women on a very emotional and deep level.

I suppose that some people may label me as being "bi-sexual" and I believe for some reason that makes them feel more comfortable doing that.

I really can't say if I'm bi-sexual or not but what I do know is this:

I have absolutely NO desire to have sex or have an emotional relationship with another man ever again. For nearly twenty years, I had sex with men, lots of times, and a lot of time it was pretty good sex. I'm a very sensual and sexual woman and have always enjoyed sex immensely.

I always thought I was having great sex...until I had sex with my LBCG.

My entire perception of what I though was great sex changed.

I felt like everything came crashing down.

I couldn't speak.

I couldn't move.

and my whole world was thoroughly fucking rocked.

And it's never been the same.

As far as putting all of my emotional eggs in one basket; well, that's probably so. But who doesn't do that when they're in love? It just kind of goes with the territory I think. If my eggs get broken, not all will be lost; because I now KNOW what I'm looking for.

And that is:

A deep, emotional, sensual, loving, tender, gentle, connection in a physical, spiritual, emotional, and psychological co-creating relationship;

with a chick.

If You Know Me IRL

If you know me In Real Life. Please read this.

I started this blog as my form of therapy. I figured it would save me over $100.00 a month in office co-pays to my shrink, not to mention the cost of the fucking gas to get there and the aggravation of finding someone to watch over my dd's while I'm getting my head shrunk.

So far, it's done the trick.

I feel much better and much more in control of what has been going on in my life and although writing is probably not the cure-all to my problems, it certainly is helping.

With that said...

Please don't read if you think that you may be offended by something that I may or may not write about.

I will not censor myself in any way, including my language, descriptive adjectives or subject matter. There is a huge element of creative freedom that is going into what I am doing here.

I will probably mention you, talk about you in my life, and describe things (in sometimes graphic detail) about what we may or may not do, talk about, laugh about, etc. This is especially the case if I am friends with you, working with you, or sleeping with you. I will although keep a huge element of anonimity (names will be changed to protect the guilty.)

If you ARE offended by something that I say, please let me know (nicely,) and I will consider your request. I may even remove it. It is not my intention to be malicious at all or to cause anyone a problem. I am writing about MY life, for ME. I have made a lot of friends by blogging, and enjoy the network of people that I read and who read me. It's a hobby and I enjoy it.

When I blog, I am completely honest. Maybe too honest. I am trying to grow and learn. I am accountable for my actions, my mistakes, and my faults.

I have only given the URL to a handful of people (that I know IRL,) but I do talk about blogging pretty freely. Now that Google search bots have found my blog, it's pretty easy to find, so a lot of people may be reading that I otherwise wouldn't have thought would. If you have found this on your own, good for you, just don't get pissy if you don't like what I have to say!

My MOTHER reads my blog and if I'm okay with her reading it, then I'm okay with you reading it. If you're not okay with it, DON"T FUCKING READ IT.

If you feel the need to comment, you must do so with a user name, I no longer accept anonymous comments.

If you comment and I don't like what you say; it is my perogative to delete your comment.

If you continue to be not nice; I will block your IP address, (yes, I do know how...)

Finally.

If you have ever been married to me and you are reading my blog:

Feel free. I have never hidden anything and I have always been honest. All you have ever had to do is ask. I may not offer you information about my life that isn't your business, but I don't expect that from you. If you feel the need to obtain it this way; I guess it must be really fucking important to you.

XH got a new car

Okay, I had to just make a quick post because XH came by to pick up the kids today.

In his new car.

Some of you may have read that he recently lost his job which meant he had to give back his BMW company car.

So he bought a new car.

Guess what it has in it?

A fucking navigation system.

Compromised Emotional Constitution

I decided some things today.

The first thing that I decided is that I have a Compromised Emotional Constitution.

You know when someone has an immunity problem and they can't be around kids with colds and shit because they'll get sick? Well I have that same problem, except that I am Emotionally Immune Compromised. My Emotional Constitution is so compromised that the second I'm exposed to some kind of emotional trauma, everything just goes straight to Hell.

That's where I've been the last two days.

I've taken some time to give some thought to my FUCKED up life and I have come to some conclusions.

I spent the the last two days crying. Sobbing at times. Feeling depressed and sad. It all sucked. I had to try to fake my way through some of it, (yesterday being my daughter's birthday and all.)

Also I had to go to Parent Teacher Conferences with my XH and my children and sit there and listen to how great my kids are and look around at all of the other families and how NORMAL that they are. Okay, I know that there not really normal, they're just as normal as my family was, and we weren't all that happy. But all of those women didn't suddenly become LESBIANS and change everything about their lives. Stupid bitches. If they had, then I wouldn't be such a fucking freak.

So what did I conclude, you ask?

I concluded that it just doesn't make any sense feeling all depressed and dwelling and crying about how things COULD have been, or WERE at times, or WEREN'T at other times, and if I should have tried to make it better and all of that other stupid fucking bullshit.

The fact of the matter is that I fell madly in love with my LBCG and the moment that we kissed for the first time, everything in my life changed. I could not have stopped what happened between us even if I had wanted to; it was a hopeless case of instant love and attraction that was so much more powerful than the reason that you would think two mature adult women would posess.

Everything changed in a moment, everything.

Not just because of her, or because of what was lacking in my relationship, but because of ME.

I'm just one big, full-on, girl-loving, pussy-loving, dyke and that's just the way it is. No amount of looking back and playing "what if" or "if only" is going to change that.

The other thing that I concluded is this:

My LBCG and I have been through a LOT in the past ten months. We have dealt with so much emotional crap that it's a miracle that either of us is still living and breathing. A year ago we were both in what we thought were happy relationships, raising our kids, and going to church. Now we are both split from our partners, working for the first time in years, taking care of ourselves on our own, co-parenting our children with our ex's, AND dealing with the tremendous amount of guilt and trepidation that I just spoke of, on a regular basis.

We are trying to build a relationship with eachother amongst all of that chaos and confusion and turmoil. It's amazing that we have made it this far.

I don't think that any two people in the world could get through what we have gone through in recent months and have their relationship be completely easy and smooth. We need to give eachother a break and try to figure out to help eachother through the bullshit and not destroy what we have in the meantime.

And we do have a lot.

I love my LBCG so fucking much. When I am with her I feel like all of the chaos stops. When she is near me, I can feel energy moving from me, to her, and back to me. When she touches me, my body feels like it is melting, when she smiles at me, I feel like the darkness in my world is lit up. When I hear her laugh, all is well in the universe, and when I think of her, I feel good all over.

And I know that she feels the same way about me.

That's enough to get us through the turmoil, as bad as the turmoil is; we just need to try to ride out the storm. It may defy logic and understanding to someone looking from the outside in, but to us, we know that we can't let go of what we have right now, because what we have right now is what is helping us to survive.

The happiest day of my life

Today is my second daughter's eighth birthday.

The day she was born was THE happiest day of my life. Not to say that the birthday's of my other two daughter's weren't happy or special, because they were. But I have an affinity for the birth of my second child.

I had a horrendous birth experience with my first daughter. I wasn't prepared enough for what was happening and I made choices that led me down the "intervention highway" of childbirth. I ended up with a very long 36 hour labor, over three hours of pushing and finally a cesarean birth. That was topped off with a weird rash that I developed all over my body, breastfeeding challenges, and a course of drugs (roids, Mrs. Pissy,) that fucked me up for months. Along with ALL of that, I was newly married to a man I hardly knew, had NO family support, and was very, very, very alone.

It majorly sucked.

When I became pregnant with my second child, I was thrilled. I had actually planned on getting pregnant, and after suffering a miscarriage, I quickly became pregnant again. It was really great. The pregnancy was pretty typical. I did have that fucked up triple screen test come back abnormal so I needed an amnio, but all of that was fine.

I was bound and determined to do EVERYTHING right this time and give myself the very best shot for a normal, un-medicated childbirth.

I won't bore you with ALL of the details.

I will tell you that I prepared myself mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally and was ready when it was time to have her. I hired a doula, I had my mom, my husband, I was set.

I went into labor and breezed through, no drugs, nothing. It was an incredibly empowering experience. I loved feeling what my body was doing.

I started pushing. I thought that pushing, and the urge to push was amazing. After a short while I became exasperated because nothing was happening. I had an epidural and was happy. The pushing continued.

And continued. And continued.

After two and a half hours of pushing; she hadn't moved. My husband and I decided that I just wasn't meant to have babies that way.

I got drugged up and had a cesarean birth again.

This time it was okay.

I felt so good about everything that I had tried and all that I had done to prepare for that experience. I KNEW that I had done everything in my power to give myself the best chance for a vaginal birth; it just wasn't going to happen for me.

When I heard her cry for the first time, I sobbed uncontrollably. She was taking the first breaths of her life and I looked over at her; I felt every ounce of emotion pour out of my body.

This child, whom I wanted so much, waited for, was here.

And she was perfect.

And beautiful.

And mine.

And now she's eight.

And sassy.

And beautiful.

And still mine.

I'm a lucky woman.

The BMW story

Once upon a time in a land very close to where I live now I was married to a man and he had a job. He did very well at his job and I was very proud of him and all that he had accomplished. I felt that I did my part to help him with his job by taking care of him, and his needs as well as our children and their needs, and our home and it's needs. Without me to take care of all of those needs, it would be much more difficult for him to be the great success that he was at work.

One day, he was rewarded for his great success.

His company wanted to buy him a car.

We were thrilled. They said that he could pick out what he wanted and that they would re-imburse him for the payments, the insurance, the gas, the maintenance, the whole works. Wow, a dream come true, how exciting, how great.

I though wow, I really like those new Honda Accord's; they have a navigation system in them (this is when I was doing a lot of doula work and would take his car to meet clients all over Portland and I always got lost...no sense of direction.)

His company said, "No, it has to be something flashy. A BMW, a Mercedes, a Jaguar, a Volvo, a Saab, you know, flashy." I was horrified.

My husband was set on a BMW.

I was horrified again.

I told him, "We can't drive around in a $60,000 car when there are children STARVING in the world! I can't drive around here in the suburbs in a BMW, what would people THINK?

I suggested a Volvo. That wouldn't be quite so pretentious.

He was set. It was going to be a BMW. I felt sick.

Then he told me that he would get the model with the navigation system so I wouldn't get lost when I went to meet clients.

I thought about it. I was still not happy. I still didn't want a BMW. I just didn't feel right about it. I wished they would just give him a bigger raise and we could buy our own car.

I really like the idea of the navigation system, that sounded really great. It would be great to not get lost in NE Portland every time I had to meet a client at night, or worse in the middle of the night when they were in labor.

It wasn't ideal, I didn't really feel heard, but I decided it was an ok compromise, and agreed.

The car day came. He went to work, not sure if he would be getting it or not, but was pretty sure he would. I of course, would not be a part of this car buying process as it technically was a company car, (although we would be responsible for the payments, the company would just reimburse us.) Later he told me that it wasn't going to work out that day, that he and his boss would go look at cars the next day or next week.

Then he came home early with the car, (to surprise me he said.)

I was playing piano when he walked in the door. I got up and went to go look in the driveway.

He stopped me before opening the door and said, "They didn't have any of the three series BMW's in that I liked, so we decided to move up and get the five series BMW; it's a much nicer car, bigger, and more powerful." "Okay," I said.

"One more thing," he said.

"The five series doesn't come with a navigation system.

I was quite upset.

His answer: "It's NOT your car, YOU have nothing to do with it, it's MY reward for MY job and MY hard work at MY job that YOU have NOTHING TO DO WITH!"

That was the beginning of the end of our marriage. It was late 2003. Things quickly deteriorated with many similar scenarios as the BMW story.

I fell in love with my LBCG in July 2004.

Big fucking downer

Just a warning; there is probably nothing funny about my post, I feel like shit, read at your own risk.

I told my Lovely, but confused girlfriend that I was hurt that she didn't include me in her decision making to consider putting an offer on a house. I thought it was a little odd considering how upset she was with me on Sunday for not including her in the decision making regarding our evening dinner plans.

She went ballistic on me.

Yes, I am a drama queen, but she really did go ballistic. I had to hold the phone away from my ear because she was yelling at me so loud. She said she had a bad day and didn't need to be dealing with someone else's feelings and thoughts about what she was doing in her life. She yelled at me in a way that she has never, ever yelled at me before. Granted; she had a very bad day at work and claims that she had a very short fuse, but it was pretty awful nonetheless. I felt like she slapped me in the face for expressing my feelings about the situation.

I was completely hurt and sad, and frankly, felt a bit abused.

I dropped it and we hung up the phone.

I figured that she would call me back after she realized what a big bitch that she was being and would apologize to her recovering straight girlfriend that she loves so much.

That's not so much what happened.

When she did call later she explained that she had a bad day, apologized for yelling at me and said that she WAS planning on including me in the decision making regarding the offer on the house.

But because she was so angry with me, she did not.

She made the offer on the house anyway, without considering me, because she was mad. She said that she was so mad at me, she just didn't care, even though she knew that it would hurt me more if she went ahead without talking to me.

I guess I know where I stand.

The conversation then became even more non-productive that included a lot of yucky things like how I only think of my own feelings, not hers, I look for things to get mad at her about, something about my being "self-righteous" (I admit to that one,)and maybe we just shouldn't be together.

So, I guess we're not together.

I keep trying to replay in my mind where I went wrong.

The only thing that I can come up with is that I shouldn't have told her that I was hurt. I guess that's what started this whole chain of events that has led us to apparently ending our relationship.

Like I said in my last post, it must be me.

I must just bring out the worst in people; I seem to have done that in every relationship I've ever been in, I make people mad and they yell at me, I get hurt and sad and feel bad, we make up, and it starts all over again. I'm just a relationship fuck- up I guess.

Maybe the karmic universal lesson here is that I just shouldn't involve myself in other peoples lives, I disenigrate relationships and drive people to do and say things that they wouldn't ordinarily do.

I'm very complicated and operate on a very high frequency where I see and hear and feel and taste things on a level that most people don't. I've never met anyone who was able to handle me. I thought that my lovely, but confused girlfriend was THE ONE who could, but it's certainly not looking that way.

She says that she loves me with all of her heart and soul. I believe that she does, but not in every aspect of her life. She loves me with all of her heart and soul when she is in my presence, when she's in my arms, when she's in my bed. That all encompassing love does not travel outside of that part of our life, which is why she has been unable to let go of her past relationship with her ex or be able to move into a place where she can build a life WITH me.

I really want more than that.

I deserve more than that.

I wanted more than that with her, but it doesn't seem like she is willing or able to do that.

I've waited for almost ten months.

The waiting really hurts, and makes me feel bad.

I guess I don't have to wait anymore, it doesn't look good for the recovering straight girl and her lovely, but confused girlfriend.

Told you it was a downer post.

Now, move on, and find something fun to read.

It must be me

Glamorous waitressing job, Day 5: Things are going fine, people now know that I'm not a complete idiot and I do kind of know what I'm doing. I'm still slightly cheating on my tests, which I have decided that there are just too many of them and they ask stupid questions. No one really cares what the ingredients are in a stupid Cajun spice. If they're that concerned about what's in it, then they shouldn't eat it.

Today I had one of my former friends in my section. He is actually the husband to one of my former friends who doesn't really speak to me anymore because of my alternative lifestyle choices and the fact that I've disappointed her so by leaving my husband (it's been so HARD on her.) He was nice, but not so friendly. I also felt as though there was some karmic reason, some lesson from the Universe that I needed to get it out of the way and face the fact that I was now waiting on someone in my peer group that I would have previously been dining with. I got it out of the way and now it's done, lesson learned Universe, thank you, I feel humbled and grounded. God bless. Fuck you, (did I say that out loud?)

After my shift, I was speaking to my LBCG and she told me that she was going to put an offer in on a house. It wasn't like a, "I wanted to talk to you about something important, I looked at a house today that I like and I think I'm going to put an offer on it, what do you think?" It was a, "I went to work today, all of this stuff happened, and, oh, I'm putting an offer in on a house."

I didn't say much because I was a little bit surprised. Not that she looked at a house or even that she liked it and maybe wanted to jump on it but because of what happened on Sunday.

On Sunday she was completely bent out of shape because I made plans to have dinner with one of our friends and didn't consult her about it definitively beforehand, (I mentioned that it was a possibility, but didn't confirm it with her.) She was so mad about not being consulted that she didn't even join us for dinner. The entire evening was ruined, feelings were hurt; mine, hers, our friends and I felt like shit thinking that I was a bad girlfriend who was not considering her feelings or respecting her as my partner in decision-making.

And then today, "Oh, and I'm putting an offer on a house..."

Did I miss something?

All I can think is that it must be me.

There must be something wrong with me.

Now I know that I secretly think that the world revolves around me and maybe that's my problem but it seems that I just continuously repeat this pattern of being in relationships that feel so completely lop-sided. In so many ways, that is not the case with my LBCG, but in other ways, I feel like I'm in this very weird cyclic revolution, only now I'm a lesbian.

Maybe it's that karmic, Universal teaching lesson again. Well, you know what, Universe? Fuck you again, I'm sick of learning lessons right now. I just want to master the microbrew beer list at my new glamorous waitressing job and have a little bit of a happy relationship with out all of this fucking bullshit that seems to go along with it.

And...

I would like my dog to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

The barking continues; tomorrow she goes to the vet.

More karmic, universal lessons.

I can't fucking wait.

My lovely, but confused girlfriend

She really hates it when I refer to her that way; and she really hates it when I write about her and our relationship; especially about sex and when we argue...("why don't you go BLOG about it"!)

I tell her that it is creative freedom and that she will just have to live with it. But to be fair, and because I care tremendously about our relationship and keeping in equitable and co-creating and in order for her to have proper retaliation (a little quid pro quo,) I have set her up with her very own blog!

Now I have posted the first post but please tune in to what my lovely, but confused girlfriend has to say, I'm sure it will be great. She really is very lovely.

Double female