Saturday, July 30, 2005

Did you know?

That on the History Channel there is actually a show that explores the possibilities that some of the "miracles" in the bible were actually done by aliens?

Me either.

I am a little hungover and tired and I've been laying on the couch watching the History Channel for three hours. Depression plus hangover equals a lot of lying around.

Went out last night to the Oregon Brewers Festival with my good friends Darcy and Angie. It was fun, tried lots of beer; then went dancing at a lesbian bar. Drank a little more; hence the hangover and tiredness.

We had a slumber party at Darcys house.
No people, just because three lesbians have a sleepover does not mean they have a threesome. Get your head out of the gutter.

Now I am off to my glamorous waitressing job; which should be very fun and entertaining for all!

Seriously, watch that show on the History channel.
Very interesting shit.

Friday, July 29, 2005

stuff portrait friday spf icon by Kristine.

My Bedroom
The afternoon sun is shining, which makes for a difficult picture.
Where my tv and stuff is.
The hallway to my closests and bathroom.
Just a little insight into one of my high maintenance personality traits:
I can't sleep in a room where any doors are open.
These closet doors need to be closed and the bathroom door MUST be closed.
The door to my bedroom either needs to be closed or only slightly open.
I can't have drawers or cupboards or anything open, (unless I fall asleep with the tv on.)
My clock with all of the books that I'm going to get to just as soon as I'm finished with the THREE that I'm currently reading...
My dresser
Not very exciting.
That jewelry box is one that my grandfather who recently passed away made for me.
My favorite jammies
I think their Hanes and I think I bought them at Wal-Mart before I started boycotting Wal-Mart.

That's it folks.
I came out of my depression long enought to participate.
I didn't want to get whipped by that hooker-ass bitch Kristine.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Thanks y'all

I got that from the Indigo Girls concert. That's what Amy says after practically every song.

I thank YOU all for your kindness and support. It's hard to always be hearing about someone's drama; and you have all been so nice to me during my hard time.

Today I stayed in bed until 1:00.
Yes the house was a mess, but the kids were fed and fine; they are capable of getting their own cereal afterall.
Two of them actually got invited to a playdate for a couple of hours and the other one went off to her friends for a little while. I had an awful headache; which was my good excuse to them.
Mostly I just laid in my bed and feel awfully sorry for myself.

I got bitched out by my former LBCG, my friend Woo, and my friend Angie for staying in bed so long.
I know, I know.
I can't do that. It's not doing me any good staying in bed and feeling bad.
I just didn't feel like I could possibly get up and actually DO anything.
I still really don't, but I did it.
I took a shower and everything.
Even shaved my legs,
and cleaned the soap scum off of my shower, (have I ever mentioned that I'm obsessed with soap scum? I hate it more than anything, well almost anything.)

I dropped off DD#3 at her piano lesson and came home to put laundry in and throw out my junk mail; I'm one step closer to paying my bills.

This afternoon I'll take the girls swimming and I thought maybe we'd get a movie for tonight. By that time, it should be time for them to go to bed, and I can go back to bed too.
It's okay to lie in bed at night, right?
That will be one more day gone.
One day closer to not feeling like this anymore.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

"It's for the best."

Fuck that.

This hurts.

Minutes, Hours, Days

The past several months have just been one heartbreak after another, all leading to where we are today. I hoped that things would turn out differently, that's why I stuck it out.

Everyone told me that I should move on. It had been a year and we were in the same place that we were months before.

You'll find someone else,
You won't be alone forever,
Your side of the bed won't always be empty,
It's not supposed to be this way,
She doesn't know what she wants,
It's not fair to you,
Now you know what that kind of love feels like, you'll find it again,
You deserve more than this,
You deserve someone to love you 24/7.
You'll be okay.

I heard you all. I heard it and understood, but I was never able to move on because I wanted to believe that it would all work out the way that I thought that it should.

And because I love her.
More than I could ever imagine ever loving another person.
I found what my heart had been waiting for my whole life, and even in my lives before. There is no explaining the kind of connection that she and I share; I think that most people go their entire lives without experiencing a fraction of what we've felt.

For a long time it's been leading up to this.
I just never gave up hope.
Never stopped believing that there would just someday be a "switch" and she would be able to move away from her, move on, and move toward me.

She told me yesterday.
Through her tears and sobs and sorrow she told me.

"Kathryn, I love you.
I always have and I always will.
But I love Kelly.
And you need to let me go."

I've always told her that I love her enough to let her go.
I would step aside and let her do whatever she felt that she needed to do. I've always known that she's been tormented; I just hoped she would find a way through it that included me.

Because I'm selfish and want things my own way.
Because I love her and I can't imagine how things are going to be without her in my life in some capacity.
Because she's all I've had this past year; she's been my everything.
My heart.
My soul.
My best friend.

And now I feel like it's all been ripped out of me,
and it hurts so much.

I don't have anyone to come to my rescue, because she was the one who has rescued me.
I have kids to take care of, things to do.

I have my tears, and I have this.
I'll find a way to get through each minute and hour and day,
until I feel a little bit better.

Anyone know how long that takes?

Monday, July 25, 2005

I couldn't sleep last night

I thought about Curly Girl .
She's been having a hard time sleeping lately. As I was lying awake at 3:00 AM, I wondered if she was lying awake too. I guess I'll go read her blog and see...

Nope, doesn't look like she was lying awake at 3:00 AM, or maybe she was; she wrote about Tranny Hookers. That sounds like something that one would think about in the middle of the night when they couldn't sleep.

I thought about how fucked up my life is; how nothing is ever peaceful and easy and everything is hard, H-A-R-D, hard.

I thought about Sarah.
She is being treated very aggressively for cancer right now. Her family chronicles it for her here because she is unable. Sarah is having a hard time right now as it sounds like she has an infection.
She's not complaining, what the fuck do I have to complain about?
I don't have cancer.
Thank God I don't have cancer. For many reasons, but mostly because I also don't have health insurance right now.

I thought about my friend Abbas.
He told me the story of how he and his brother and mother had to flee Iran in 1992. They left to escape he and his brother being sent off to the military and never being able to leave the country. His father died in the Iran-Iraq war; he was a F-16 fighter pilot. Abbas was four. They left their home, their country, with nothing. They had to escape, the two boys on their own for the hope of a better life. When they arrived in the USA; they were interned. Put under house arrest by the INS until they could have a hearing and request political asylum. It was granted and they were set free. Abbas was 13 and spoke not one word of English. Today he has made a good life for himself; is married with children and a home and a career. He had a hard, hard childhood in a horrible place where he witnessed public executions and horrors unknown to all of us here.
He's not complaining, what the fuck do I have to complain about?

I thought about all the nice things that you all said to me on my last post.
I didn't really deserve all of the compliments about what a good friend I am.
I didn't tell you the end of the story.

A few months after David's death, as M. was trying to adjust to her new reality, things changed between us. I think that I was just a bit overbearing, a bit smothering, a bit much. I have a habit of being that way with people that I love; I get very consumed with them. That paired with my constant need to fix things and be the be all to everyone; I basically ruined my friendship with M. In those first few months, when I would talk to her, I would be so honest about my feelings about everything; I think it was too much for her to take. I believe that she wanted a more superficial relationship with me at that time but I wasn't seeing it clearly. She stopped returning my phone calls and weeks led to months without us talking. She lived just two blocks away from me but a world apart.

We never talked about it; part of me really didn't want to know what I had done to cause her to sever our friendship, it would hurt too much. I was too afraid to ask.

I know that I did everything that I could for her during that hard time. It was a hard, hard time and perhaps I was just a painful reminder to her just how hard it was. Maybe I was too mournful, too deep, too much. I'm often too much. Too intense.

I've come to terms with it, even though I've never understood it completely. I know that I must have done something to cause her pain, she wouldn't have ended our relationship if it wasn't so; not after everything that I had done for her to stand by her and help her through. I only wish that she could have told me so that I could have tried to fix it. I do that. I try to fix things.

So the sentiments of my being such a good friend were very nice.
Just not deserving.

I thought about my former LBCG.
She's having such a hard time. Sometimes I think she's just spiraling out of control; that nothing makes sense to her anymore. I'm worried about her and the destruction that is going on in her relationships with me and with The Captain. I blame myself for not being strong enough to have let her go a long time ago. I should have done what was best for her; made it easier, just told her it wasn't going to work and goodbye. Then she wouldn't be so tormented about what was the right thing to do, it would have been done for her, and she could have gone back to The Captain and her old life. So much damage has been done that I know if they could ever find their way back to eachother now. I think my former LBCG would be willing to make the sacrifices, but she doesn't know how to let go of her love and connection to me. I guess it kind of comes down to me again; I should do the right thing and just end it all, for good. Force her to get over me and focus on what she needs to do to put her life back together with The Captain. I don't really like being forced into doing that; but I think I've always known it would come down to exactly this.

And that leaves me exactly where I always knew I would be.
A lot on my mind.
And unable to fucking sleep.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

I'm finished...

Harry Potter
with the book.

I'm so sad and depressed.

Not because the book was sad or depressing; I wouldn't tell you that even if it was.

I'm sad and depressed because I have no idea how long it will be before the next and final book is released.

It could be years.

And there is more.

There is another bit of sadness that surrounds my love of Harry Potter books that I will share with you now, my blogging friends of the internet.

Just over two years ago, when the last book was released, I went and purchased it promptly. It wasn't long after Hilary's book came out; which I was also reading.

My friends, M. and David had just had their second baby; I was their doula. They had a beautiful birth and a beautiful, big, baby boy.

Three weeks after the baby was born, M. called me crying hysterically. Something had happened to David at work; he'd had a seizure of something. She asked if I could come over. I was at her house within minutes; her sobbing hysterically. I offered to drive her to the hospital where he had been taken, but her mother adamantly refused. I was to stay there with the babies, she would drive M. to the hospital.

An hour or so later, M's mom called.

David had died.
He was 31,
in perfect health,
it was not known how or why he just died,
seemingly instantly.
They believe he had a massive heart attack, but it was never clearly determined.

I helped my friend, prepare to bury her husband.

It is not the usual custom of those from the Pacific NW to embalm and view their deceased friends and family; those of us from the East and other areas, this is a common occurrence. David was from the NE and his mother was flying in; she wanted to see him. M. agreed to have him embalmed and laid out but didn't want him there, in the funeral home on that day alone.
I agreed to sit with him.

Before I went, I asked her if she wanted anything with him; a photo, something that he favored, something special. She chose a picture of them together when they were young, a picture of their boys, his favorite bottle of wine, and the new Harry Potter book, dog-eared where he left off. The night before he died David had said to M., "It's the best one yet."

I placed those things around him, tucking the Harry Potter book, (which was also close to MY heart,) under his arm. I sat with him that day, waiting for his mother to arrive.
I fixed his hair and talked to him.
It was hard, but I am glad that I did it.

Anyway, those things I placed with him, except for the one picture, and including the Harry Potter book were cremated with him.

When I finished the last book, I thought of David, and what he would have thought of it.

When I put my hands on this one, the new one, as I bought it; I thought of David.

I think of him now, and I think he would have liked this one as much as I did.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

I have Harry Potter issues...

I'm obsessed.
Just like I was with all of the others.
I can't put it down and I resent every one and every thing that takes me away from it.

Paying Bills
Taking care of the dog
Driving anywhere
You get the picture.

Today I was painting at my former LBCG's house. ALMOST done with the painting over there. All I kept thinking the entire time was how much I wished that I had a magic wand and what would be the incantation for "painting walls."

I love these books so fucking much, I really think I have serious issues.
I want to jump right in the book and just be a part of it, to live it, to be in it. I want to go to Divination class and eat in the great hall and go watch a Quiddich match.
I mostly want to wear witch robes and mix potions in a cauldron, and fly on a broom, and have my very own WAND!

I'm already dreading the depression that will set in just as soon as I finish the last page; knowing that the NEXT book, will be the LAST book.

Until then, I will go to sleep with images of Hogwarts deep in my mind.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

I'm not missing, I was on an Indian Reservation

I'm glad that you all love me so much that you were wondering where the hell I was.
I took my girls to Kah-Nee-Tah High Dessert Resort in Central Oregon.
It was a great time and the girls had a blast.

Kah-Nee-Tah is located on an Indian Reservation in the dessert of Central Oregon. To get there; we drove to Mt. Hood and down the other side where the terrain fairly quickly turns into dessert.
We stopped at Timerline Lodge for a potty break and I took this photo of my girls and my mom on the steps. The movie, The Shining, was filmed here.
The top of Mt. Hood, elevation, around 11,000 feet.
Timberline Lodge
A mountain I don't remember the name of... anyone?
The terrain quickly changed, as I mentioned, into this:
When we entered the reservation, we noticed this herd of horses along the side of the road. There was no fence and they didn't appear to belong to anyone, they were just hanging out; we had never seen horses so wild before.
This is where we stayed, Tee Pee #1.
The view from the top of the hill where The Lodge is located. We ate dinner and breakfast there. The food was bad and the service was terrible, but look at this view:
Of course the best part of the trip for the girls was THIS POOL!
My girls spent FIVE hours in the pool on Monday and FIVE hours in the pool on Tuesday. My mom and I both had spa treatments as the spa and the girls had mini-manicures.
Despite the 110 degree dessert heat, it was breezy and didn't feel that hot. The sun was hot but in the shade it felt really good.
My tanned bathing beauties as we loaded the car.
As we drove through the reservation, this was the view from the car. That haze that you see is from a fire that was burning earlier in the day. The fire danger is HIGH right now, and we heard the planes flying over us putting it out.
Remember, Only YOU can prevent forrest fires!

As I was driving down the road, I noticed something large in the middle of it. As I approached I realized it was a HORSE. Yes, he was just hanging out, walking in the middle of the road.
So Blogging Friends from the Internet, another little Oregon State photo journaling for your enjoyment.

And Pissy and Kristine, you can relax, I'm back, I'm okay, I didn't disapear, I'm making plane reservations as soon as I get home from the dentist!

Ciao Ya'll!

Monday, July 18, 2005

The Indigo Girls ROCK!

Last night I went to The Indigo Girls concert at the Oregon Zoo. It was AWESOME. Despite the waiting in line in 90 degree heat to get our bags checked, once we were in and settled, it was the greatest time!

My beautiful, wonderful, gracious, sweet, friend Angie got to the zoo at 1:00 in the afternoon and saved a spot in the very front, center. Have I mentioned how great she is?

The opening band, Girlyman, was very, very good. I bought a copy of their CD and had it signed.
The Indigo Girls were the BEST! Really good show, and we had lots and lots of fun.
IMG_0732 IMG_0733 IMG_0734
My friends, Darcy and Amy, My former LBCG and myself (I'm wearing the very cutest sundress ever,) and my friends Heidi and Angie (the cool one who saved our spot.

Below is a photo of the Indigo Girls. Of course, photography was prohibited, so I have no idea who this photo ended up here, cuz I certainly didn't take it...
Emily is wearing an AC/DC Back in Black t-shirt.
I now need to obtain one of those.

It was a fun filled night, great music, good food and drink and great weather.
What could be better?

Friday, July 15, 2005

stuff portrait friday
Stuff Portrait Friday logo by Kristine

The One Thing From The 80's I Can't Let Go Of...
It's my PROM DRESS from my Senior Prom, cica. 1987...
yes, I know people, you love it. It's a Scott McClintock. I know you're ALL jealous!

A Movie or CD from the 80's
Who else? Prince, of course. I wish I had a copy of 1999, but I only have it on mp3 on my computer.

And last but not least,
hang on to your hats guys.

It's a Picture of Me From the 80's...


Are you SURE?

My senior portrait. I had to commandeer this from my Mom's house to take a picture of it. I couldn't get a good picture because it kept reflecting off the glass, this is as good as it gets without a D70.

There you have it people. I was late posting because I had to wait on the portrait. I purposely didn't look at any of your STUFF yet because I didn't want it to prejudice mine...

Can't wait to see YOUR stuff!

Heartache for Everyone

You spent five years saying you'd come my way
That's a little more wait than a heart can take
Yeah now that I know it's just a fantasy
I feel a hard time coming around for me
I said
ohOh ohOh oh
There's a heartache for everyone
Oh ohOh oh
There's a heartache for everyone
I spent two years saying give me a chance
Hey I'd give it all up and I'll take your hand
Yeah but not forever it was understood
Yeah baby just for a while it would do us some good
I said oh
(I'm waiting to restore my life)
Oh ohOh oh
There's a heartache for everyone
(I'm waiting to restore my faith)
Oh ohOh oh
There's a heartache for everyone
I'll wait for you until I know
There's a heartache for everyone
Hey valentine I'm just a stumbling around
Who knew that Paris was such a lonely town
I'll meet you at the bridge where we wanted to kiss
Or take the high road and be done with this
I'll give you six more weeks baby just in case
You can change your mind you won't be replaced
Honey looking at a lifetime of regret
(looking at a lifetime of regret)
Oh just one little moment that I'll never forget
(Just one little moment that I'll never forget)
I said oh
(I'm waiting to restore my life)
Oh ohOh oh
There's a heartache for everyone
(I'm waiting to restore my faith)
Oh ohOh oh
There's a heartache for everyone
I'll wait for you until I know
There's a heartache for everyone
I'll wait for you until I know
There's a heartache for everyone
Written by: Amy Ray

I'm going to see The Indigo Girls on Sunday. (Yes, people, I really am THAT much of a lesbian!)
The above lyrics are from one of my favorite songs that they sing.

The weather is suppossed to be BE-U-TI-FUL but HOT! The weatherman (that lying s.o.b.,) said 90 degrees (thats Farenheit, D., I don't know what it is in CANDADIEN...)
But however you figure it; it's going to be hot-as-all-get-out, so I took it upon myself to purchase myself THE cutest little sundress that you ever did see! And because it's the cutest sundress that you ever did see, I did something crazy and radical the last two days....

I sat in the sun.

I never, ever expose myself to the sun on purpose, but I was feeling a bit rebellious and a little on the edge, so I went for it; got myself a bit of a tan.

You can all remember this day when I get diagnosed with Skin Cancer.

So, MY STUFF for Stuff Portrait Friday is coming.... I'm waiting on one more item...
stay tuned.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Back on the Xanex

Well, I never really stopped, but the need for Xanex has increased right now.
The anxiety that fills my chest has started to drop down into my stomach and around to my back, filling me.
It lurks inside me, like something that sits dormant until it's activated.
And then it grows,
and spreads,
to encompass my body and fill me with it's power.
It takes over my chest,
and my stomach,
and my lower insides.
It upsets my system
and keeps me from taking a deep breath
And even though I know what it is,
I still can't stop it's power.
My auditory environment is disturbed.
The loudness of my children is even louder,
their voices are like loud echoes in my ears.
The ringing of the phone stirs it even more.
I find calm here, sitting, clicking.
But the practicality of that is...impractical.
I have children to raise,
shopping to do,
meals to prepare,
laundry to clean,
people to attend to.
And I do it all,
it the midst of this anxiety that I share my life with.
The Xanex helps,
but not quite enough.

May YOUR day be anxiety free.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005


write to make sense of life experiences.
write to learn as much as you can from all the challenges and the joys.
write because words and ideas are fascinating.
write because exploring concepts is play.
write to synthesize these explorations and make them practical.
write to become the best version of yourself.
in the process of seeking empowerment...
empower others.
write to inspire, motivate, comfort, facilitate, discover, communicate.
in this scratching, this making marks...
encourage others to make their own mark.

by: mary anne radmacher

100th Post

This is The Recovering Straight Girl's 100th Post on Blogger.

I know that tv shows make a big deal about that and shit; but I don't really have a whole lot to say about it except that I adore all you people out there on the internet, (except the fuckers who leave nasty comments on people's blogs...) and I have gotten a LOT out of my little blogging experiment.

There have been highs and lows
and through it all, you all have been there listening,
and caring,
and always supportive.

We've had fun
and shared "stuff,"
and made friends
and had lunch...

I've met the greatest fucking people that I could ever imagine, (Kristine, Pissy, Jas, Camille, Lil Sis, MW, Blu, Lelo, D, Sarah, Curly...just naming a small few...)
and furthered frienships I've already had, (Woo, Ang, Lish)
I have had the pleasure of introducing blogging to other friends, (hi Michelle!)

It's been great,
and I am plan on posting another 100 times.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Five Daily Questions

This is harder than it looks. Asking these five questions to yourself every day to remind yourself of what you have that is good in your life.

What am I happy about? I am happy that I had my toenails done yesterday and had a fun day with my friend Darcy.
What am I excited about? I am excited that I am on my way to get coffee.
What do I feel grateful for? I am grateful that I have a nice (and clean,) home.
What am I proud of? I am proud that I have three lovely daughters.
Who do I love and who loves me? My Mom, my kids, my dog, my former LBCG, confused as she is.

Happy Sunday.

Friday, July 08, 2005

stuff portrait friday
Banner image by Kristine

Yes, it's Friday. And I was quite excited about this photo assignment.
Fun, Fun, Fun!
All kinds of FUN!

My Magazine Subscriptions
American Girl, (my for my DAUGHTERS, you sickos.)
Real Simple, (cuz I'm so fucking SIMPLE.) and
CURVE. (America's Premeire Lesbian Magazine.)
Yes, people.
Look close.
It really is her.
On the cover of CURVE
Be still my heart...

My Household Pet Peeve
This was hard, there's so MANY...
IMG_0694 IMG_0693 IMG_0702
So I picked the top THREE.
Laundry: Mostly putting it away.
My kitchen junk drawer: Although my former LBCG did buy me an organizer for it. But that bitch is still looking like this until I get the energy to put IN the organizer.
Soap Scum: I HATE SOAP SCUM! I use mass amounts of toxic chemicals to avoid soap scum. If I find some soap scum, I become OBSESSED with getting rid of it.
It's a problem.
I have a sickness.

My Favorite Framed Picture
I have two.
This one I took when I was really into SLR photography. My Pentax 35 mm with lots of lenses and shit sits in a box somewhere. I used to do these black and whites and hand color them. This one was taken in the early fall at an apple orchard. I dressed the girls all in white, they picked those flowers, and I shot the picture. Then I had it developed and hand colored in the whole thing. I love this picture.
This is a portrait that DD#3 drew of me and my former LBCG.
Can you tell which one is me?

Had fun playing this week.
Love looking at *all ya'll's STUFF!

*that's PISSY talk.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Blogging reality check

I initially started this blog to try to process my feelings about the transitons in my life; all of them.
As people started reading, I have probably tried to keep somethings out of my blog that maybe I thought would be boring to people to read.
I don't want to do that.
I want to write and process my feelings in my life; it's been helpful, no matter WHO is reading it.

Things are hard sometimes, really hard. I don't have a lot of places to turn and blogging has been something that has been good for me. I'm not looking for validation or help or support or attention; I just need to process.

That's one of the reasons I blog.

I blog to process.

Locks of Love

For the past several months, my three beautiful daughters have been growing out their hair in order to donate it to Locks Of Love.

The hair was getting so very, very long and I was beginning to go out of my mind with the brushing and the tangles and the whining and the complaining.

So Friday was the DAY!

I found out that Great Clips will do your haircut for FREE if you are donating to Locks of Love AND they will send it in for you; yippee! I get my kids hair out of their eyes, Locks of Love gets hair, and I don't have to PAY for it! Woo, fucking Hoo.

So here is the photo blog of the big haircutting event:

Unfortunately DD#3's hair was just a wee bit too short. (It needs to be a minimum of a ten inch ponytail. She was quite sad, but she'll get to go and donate her's all on her own (sans sisters.)

It was a wonderful, cool thing to do; and I am so glad that they now have short hair that won't drive me CRAZY!

I hope that someone, somewhere who is able to benefit from my daughter's hair will enjoy it!

Cheers Bloggers!

Friday, July 01, 2005

Stuff-Portrait Friday

Okay, okay, okay, I haven't PLAYED in a couple of weeks; here I go...

My Keys

The View From My Front Door (looking in)

Something From A Past Relationship
These three girls and every memory from the past eleven years.

I've been looking at your "stuff," very nice!