The blogging dilemma continues

I am still trying to figure out what to do with this blogging issue I have. Kristine managed to get all of my previous posts to another blogging host but I'm not sure if that's the one that I will go with. At this point I'm weighing out my options and considering the best course of action. I certainly will keep everyone posted. A big move is coming, Blogger and I are no longer in a happy, healthy relationship and it's time for me to make a change.

It's time to stop the cycle of abuse that has so plagued our relationship for so long and that change needs to start with me.

For now, I will continue to post here. I have a feeling that the change will happen before the end of the week. Thanks go out to Kristine and Sarcastic Journalist, who have been guiding me on how to end my dysfunctional relationship and move on to a brighter blogging future.

Ciao for now.

Blogger Sucks!

Kristine from Random and Odd here sending out this message for RSG.

Because Blogger has so nicely LOST all of her archives and will not allow her to even sign in, i'm am writing this for her.
She's currently in the middle of an email war with the people at Blogger trying to see if she can get all her information back and find a way to log in.
I know some of you have had this problem with blogger...but you all stuck with blogger like beaten dogs!

I told her, "NO MORE!"
RSG insisted, "NO MONEY FOR REAL BLOG!"
I told her, "Shut up, Blogsome is free...it's a bit bigger than the britches you're wearing now, but you can do this."
RSG whimpered, "Fine, but you're setting it up and teaching me how to do this!"
I WON!

RSG has finally kissed blogger's ass and moved here:
http://rsg.blogsome.com

Don't change your links yet, there is a chance she might convert back to Blogger. You can still come here and stalk her, but if you're a long time reader head on over to the new place and leave her a comment with your blog address and email address so she can add you to her new blogroll.

Very important note: If you lurk and don't ever leave a comment...go over to her new place and leave her a comment. Say, 'i lurk..' just so we know you made it okay?

and it wouldn't be me if I didn't end this 'boob hair'.

How to have a really crappy day*

1. Find out that the "support" money that has been ordered to you by a judge in the state that you live in is very late. So late that you literally have $11.00 dollars in your checking account because you stupidly "count" on those funds being available on the date that they usually are.

2. Finding out that said state isn't even up to date or as organized as JCPenney or Pottery Barn. Why? Do you ask??? Because in order to change my address with said state, I needed to hit redial and listen to a busy signal for twenty or more minutes, then wait on hold, then talk to a representative who asks me twelve hundred questions and then instructs me to give that change of address "in writing" and can't even take it over the phone. Ironically enough, I logged on to JCPenney.com to order some 350 count pima cotten sheets for my bed, and voila, THEY ALREADY KNEW MY NEW ADDRESS, without me even telling them. And Pottery Barn. Oh, they sent me a new catalog at my new address, WITHOUT ME EVEN TELLING THEM!

3. Spend over an hour on the phone with Verizon for the SEVENTH time to try to fix an e-mail address problem that shouldn't have ever been a problem, and still isn't resolved after a month and SEVEN tech support people working on it. Seriously people, I'm not trying to access information about the CIA or the KGB or anything; I'm simply trying to add my girlfriends e-mail address as a sub-account of my already established verizon dsl account. How hard could this possibly be? I could probably get top security clearance to a hostile nation with less effort than this.

4. Find out that a horrible blog post comment that I received here was actually made by one of the crazy people that I work with at my glamorous waitressing job who I considered one of my friends. She even professed to loving me and caring about me when she made this "confession." She claims that she was trying to give me a "wake up call," and "snap me out of it" so that I could realize how good my life really was. Guess what? It didn't do that, it only hurt my feelings very, very deeply. She tried to justify it by saying that I said mean things about her on this post.
She would be the one referred to as "HotBox." I failed to see how I was mean, but perhaps I'm just crazy?

5. Be told by my XH that taking my children to Mexico to see my partners parents is "not a good option for our girls at their ages," and that I'm only thinking of myself and not the safety of my children, even though they would be in a very safe environment in a gated community in a retirement/tourist area with their mother and bonus mother and bonus granparents who love them and would look after them. Then told if I choose to take them against his wishes it would be documented. (read: threat, threat, threat.)

6. Find out from my oldest daughter that the abovementioned father of theirs told her: that if it weren't for them, he wouldn't care at all about what happened to me. I told my daughter that I was sorry that he felt that way, and that I didn't feel that way at all; that even if they all three dissapeared tomorrow, I would always care about what happend to him.

Yep, that's pretty much how my day has gone.

*I "borrowed" this title and blog post format from the Sarcastic Journalist, whom I heart.

Ask RSG

Recently I received an e-mail from "Kim," another RSG who had a question about leaving her relationship and about leaving her child. Her question went like this:

Can you dedicate a post to those of us who may be leaving, and possibly be
even giving up custody of their kids? For me, it's because I'm a full-time,
many-degreed professional who needs to put in way over 40 hours a week while
my husband is a blue-collar kind of a guy who gets home by 4 each day. In my
case it's because it's in my son's best interests, but I suppose there are
lots of ladies out there who just leave to leave.

I had to think a lot about this because I certainly didn't want to have any kind of judgement surrounding it. I think that it's important to weigh out all of the factors in any kind of custody arrangement concerning children, but as a mother and the primary caregiver for my own children, it's difficult for me to imagine giving that up.

I have strived to have my children's life stay as close to the way it was as possible, and I think that is what Kim is trying to do as well. There are several factors to take in to consideration, the most important being that you do not want your child to feel as though he has been abandoned in any way. It is important to establish and maintain as much normalcy as possible and keep the childs standard and way of living as close to the same as can be. This would mean, not moving far away from your child, making sure that you are still able to participate in the same capacity as before; going to parent/teacher conferences, attending school concerts and sports events. Do not use the fact that you are not in the same house as an excuse to no longer parent your child. If you are unable to share physical custody, be sure that you have ample visitation and also see your child throughout the week. Kim didn't mention how old her child was, but he shouldn't be going more than a few days without seeing his mother, even if it's just for dinner every other night. Some sacrifices in work and social schedules may need to be made to insure that he feels as though he is loved and safe, and that is what children need, no matter what their family dynamics are; to feel loved and safe.

Children need to know and be made to know, that BOTH of their parents love them and will always take care of them and keep them safe. This is true of any divorce or separation situation; not just one where a mother leaves because she is a lesbian.

Women who do leave their relationships because they are a lesbian have a whole bunch of other things to address, but that stuff is really seperate from their children. The children need to know that their mother loves them and that's all. When the time comes to address your sexuality; that will be a different issue all together.

People leave their relationships for a lot of different reasons; one's sexuality is only one of them. It's important for people to live their lives as who they are and not pretend to be someone that they are not. It's important to be true to yourself and the people around you; including your family. If you are who you are, and are living your life fully and truly; your happiness will be reflected to the others around you, including your children.

Being good to yourself and true to yourself will make you a better mother; but being a mother is the primary responsibility. You can still live your life the way you want to live it, and fulfill the duties of being a parent at the same time; it's just a bit of a balance.

Good luck to you Kim, and to other women who may be struggling with the same issue. It is important to keep your child's best interest, but the child's best interest almost always involves parenting from both parents.

Mother's Day Pictures

Here's a few photos from Mother's Day. I was trying to make a new flickr badge but I can't seem to find it anywhere on my flickr page. I'm not sure if they redid the page or not, but it all looks different. It's very upsetting.

Anyway, I believe you can just click on a photo and it will take you to the others in the Mother's Day set. We had a nice time, very relaxing.

Enjoy, I'm off to yet another softball game. This time DD#2 is playing on DD#1's team because they are short a player. Should be interesting.

Rant and rave, stomping my feet.

It's been that kind of week; a this and that kind of week. Busy as always, with the girls going six different directions at six different times, plus Mother's Day and working and house stuff; you know.

Truthfully.

All of it is making me a little cranky. The schedule of the kids, every single night having a softball game, driving 30-40 minutes each way, juggling who's going to carpool with who because they are in two different cities, DD#1's games last TWO hours. Getting home late, getting kids showered, and to bed, maybe by 9:30 at the earliest. Then back up at 6:15 for school. By the time that Friday gets here, my kids are exhausted and I start my work week.

Today I reminded DD#2 and DD#3 to check to see if their uniforms were clean, switch the laundry if necessary. I told them this on my way out the door, at 2:30. I returned home at 4:00 and sat down at my computer to print out directions to the game and return a couple of phone calls. I called for them to get ready to go. They looked at me like I had three heads. Then DD#2 said, "But my uniforms not clean, because YOU DIDN'T WASH IT!" I came fucking UN-GLUED!!!!! I told her that I had reminded her to find her uniform and see what needed to be done about it, (HG was home and would have HAPPILY washed it for her...) Do you know what she told me? "I FORGOT."

OH. MY. GOD.

That is the WRONG thing to say to a un-glued, raging lunatic, hot, tired mother who does nothing but run her kids all over the damn place every single fucking day.

I would finish this post but I must take my oldest child to piano lessons.

I want to pull my fucking hair out.

Ranting and raving over.

Happy again

HG FINALLY came home. I was so excited to see her that I had butterflies in my stomach and was practically shaking on my way to the airport to pick her up. DD#2 came home sick from school that day, so she was in tow. Miraculously, as soon as we picked up HG, DD#2 suddenly felt better.

HG had a nice visit with her best friend, and I'm so glad that she went and had fun; but I'm even happier that she is home again with me! (I'm a selfish bitch, I can't help it...)

So we have spent the last few days feeling grateful to be together again and as sickening as it sounds, falling in love all over again. Sigh. It's a wonderful thing.

We are having beautiful weather here in Oregon and we are looking forward to celebrating a nice Mother's Day tomorrow with my girls, my brother, and my best mom. I hope all of you mothers have a great Mother's Day as well. (I meant "mother's" meaning actual mothers, not "mother's" like, "You Mother.")

Ciao.

One more day

I miss my Hottie Girlfriend.

Of course I talk and text her like ten thousand times a day, but it's just not quite the same. I miss having her here to talk to me, sleep next to me, run around doing stupid stuff with me. No one has done the laundry, and once I left my clothes on the middle of the bedroom floor.

I'm a mess. Big pathetic mess.

When HG and I first started dating, it was after a brief, but well intended friendship. Neither one of us were ready or even looking to be in any kind of relationship. I told her the first time that we met for coffee that I had nothing to offer someone; I had strings, and issues, and a lot of baggage. Loads and loads and loads of baggage. I had so much baggage I needed a small truck to carry it all around. I was broken and sad and felt very damaged and unworthy of anything good to happen. I was convinced that I would spend a long, long time alone contemplating my life decisions and being punished for hurting people that I had loved. I was okay with the alone part. I'm not afraid of myself, I was just sure that it was going to be a long time before I felt anything other than heartache.

HG and I spent several days e-mailing and IMing. I hadn't even given her my phone number because, really, what was the point? I wasn't going to "date" her. I even offered my friend from work that maybe SHE should date her since there was no way that I could. I invited her to attend an event; so I could introduce her to some of my friends. It became very apparent within about five seconds of our second "NON-date," that I was insanely attracted to her. So attracted that at moments I felt like I couldn't even breathe, I couldn't focus, I felt like I had taken some kind of drug that makes you feel like electricity is exploding in your body. It made my chest hurt, and my toes tingle; it was not like anything I had every felt before. Nothing was awkward, the entire evening just flowed and moved like we had always known eachother and our lives had always fit together. We still weren't admitting that we felt anything other than friendship, out loud anyway. Everyone around us just looked at us and smiled; they saw what we were trying to deny.

We only denied it for a few more hours and we haven't been away from eachother for more than a short while ever since.

Until now.

It amazes me so much that somehow I managed to live almost 37 years without HG in my life; but now that she's so much a part of it, I can't remember what it was like before she was in it. I guess that's just what love does to you.

Only one more day.

Why is it?

That just when things seem to be getting good, something happens to bring you down?

That some people can't just leave well enough alone and allow other people to just be happy?

That some people are unable or incapable of moving past hurt feelings from the past?

That some people can't seem to pull their heads out of their asses long enough to even notice what is going on in their own lives?

That some people are so filled with contempt that they would purposely put their own children in danger just to cause pain to someone else?

I'm having a bad couple of days. If it isn't one thing, it's twelve, but who's counting?

HG, please come home to me!!!!!

Heartsick

My HG has gone far, far away.
Well, just until Thursday.
But I am blown away at how completely and utterly empty that I feel here without her, even for just a few days. I seriously think there must be something really, very wrong with me that I feel unable to function without her.

I'm so fucking pathetic.

Carefully store your champagne

Once I saw in a movie a scene that showed a wine cellar of some sort. For some reason because of temperature or some kind of change, all of the corks started popping out of the champagne bottles and champagne was squirting everywhere. I don't know why this happened, but I'm sure that there must have been some explanation. I suppose I could sit here and google search it; but really, I can't be bothered. So instead, I will make a very non-scientific, non-educated guess. My non-scientific, non-educated guess would be that the champagne was sitting there, doing just fine, when over some period of time, it's environment began to change. This then caused a change in the dynamic of the champagne. Eventually over some time, perhaps even a short time, the pressure from the environment change built and built and built, until it exploded all over the place and perfectly lovely champagne was all over the wine cellar floor, causing much distress for the wine cellar owners, I'm sure.

My non-scientific, non-educated deduction from this movie scene is this:

It is very important to keep the temperature and environment of your wine cellar consistent and stable at all times; for if you do not, you could very possibly have a big mess to clean up; and no one likes cleaning up big messes.

Managing the mahem

Busy is an understatement to describe my life at this time. I suppose that I have impeccable timing when it comes to moving because we decided to do it at the busiest times of my childrens year.

Forget about the boxes for a moment, (although for me, this is difficult as I am looking at about twelve of them in our office...) My children's school activities have been insane. They have been going on field trips like you wouldn't believe, DD#1 has had a HUGE state project that was turned in today, and DD#2 has to do a report on a country. Plus, end of year concerts, choir concerts, recorder concerts, piano recitals etc. And to top it all off; they are ALL THREE playing softball which equals SIX softball games PER WEEK. Yes, we have softball games every day that we have the girls, two each on M-W, and one each on T-TH. And it's not like the games are here in the town that we live in, oh no, that in itself would be way too convenient. We travel for most of the games, to other towns, far, far away.

And some people wonder why I don't have a full time job right now???

I'm not exactly sure how I manage to get myself into thses things. It always seems like a good idea at the time, softball is good exercise for kids, right? School is a good thing for them too, right? Having them in the first place? That was a little out of my control, but we went with it.

When you're handed that baby for the first time and you look at how cute and little they are, you don't realize that in just a few short years you will be broke and exhausted from their damn schedules. DD#3 told me yesterday that she wants to take gymnastics. DD#2 said that she did too. DD#1 signed up to be in band next year and play the clarinet.

What the hell happened to me and how did I get all of these children????
How do I make it STOP???

Someone please remind me that they grow up fast and before I kow it they will be off to college and out of the house, (and I'll miss them??)

Remind me that all of this activity (and my involvement,) is going to make them good, solid, responsible, and productive members of society. Remind me that if they weren't so active, they would probably be addicted to potato chips and video games and end up using drugs and getting pregnant at age 13.

Because after sitting in the cold watching two hours of VERY painful softball games four days a week, I might forget.

My goal was to have every box out of the house by today.
That is not going to happen.
Eventually softball season will end, I guess I'll contend with those boxes then. Perhaps at that time my well adjusted, non-bored, non-video-game-addicted children will be able to help me.
I'll try to remind myself of that possibility.