Lame blogger

I've been a lame blogger. Sorry about that. Tomorrow I'll post another Ask RSG topic, so if you have a burning question, be sure to leave a comment and I'll address it.

I want to take a moment to let all of you know just how much I heart you.
You are all the greatest people, and I love having you as a part of my cyber and real life.

I know I haven't been very forthright with information regarding my HG (yes, Nikki, it does stand for Hottie Girlfriend.) I wanted to be careful to TRY to protect feelings of certain people in my (past) life. I will tell you all that she is the greatest and I've never been happier in my entire life. She rocks my world every single day and continues to amaze and surprise me in how wonderful that she is. I'm a very lucky, blessed, and grateful woman.

Here's a nice photo of us,


All for now.
I'll return tomorrow night to answer some of your burning questions.

Happy Birthday LeLo!

LeLo celebrated her 29th (ahem,) birthday last night. We did it in style in a box suite at the Rose Garden while watching the Portland Trailblazers (get beat by) the Boston Celtics. No, LeLo is not a huge basketball fan, but it was the NBA's first ever Fan Out night and a few GLBTQ organizations were there including Basic Rights Oregon and Pride NW. Besides, we had our own waiter who brought us beer, and this view,

HG and I had a super fun time.

My friend Darcy came and ran into a friend of hers from High School who is one of LeLo's gardening friends,

he also knows my LBCXG and went to college with The Captain.
Weird.
We sung Happy Birthday to LeLo,

and continued the party with Rigo who drove up from far away to help LeLo celebrate her big day.

Now keep in mind people, LeLo and I met through blogging, she met Rigo through blogging, Rigo is also friends with Blu who I know (and have met IRL,) from blogging.
Who would have thought.
The internet is a wonderful thing.

So everyone go over to LeLo's and wish her a great 29th (ahem,) year!

I got tagged

I got tagged by Curly Girl. Curly Girl rocks and I heart her. I only wish she didn't live in cold Chicago and lived here so she and I could go to gay bars and drink martinis.

Usually I'm not good at responding to meme's, but today I have a little time on my hands as I got abandoned by my HG because she needed to do yardwork...(boo-hoo, I've been crying for hours and hours...)

So here it goes.

4 jobs I've had:
1. flight attendant
2. glamorous waitress
3. certified birth doula (go here if you don't know what this is)
4. restaurant manager

4 movies I can watch over and over:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. Shining Through
3. Working Girl
4. The Shawshank Redemption

4 places I've lived:
1. Danville, Pennsylvania
2. Alexandria, Virginia
3. Margate, Florida
4. Portland, Oregon

4 tv shows I love:
1. The L Word
2. Alias
3. Weeds
4. The Sopranos

4 places I've vacationed:
1. Key West, Florida
2. Acapulco, Mexico
3. Jamaica (several places)
4. Carribean cruise (western carribean)

4 of my favorite dishes (make that FOOD):
1. Beef Stroganoff (except that I don't eat beef anymore.)
2. Gnocci
3. Salmon
4. chocolate in any form

4 places I would rather be right now:
1. Here with my HG
2. There with my HG
3. Somewhere with my HG
4. Anywhere with my HG

I'm tagging Krista, Anna, and Patti-cake because they are all newer readers and I'm just evil that way.

Ask RSG

As I mentioned, for my second year of blogging I wanted to focus on a few specific things. One of those being my experience as a recovering straight girl.

At least once a week, I receive an e-mail from a woman somewhere in cyberspace who lets me know that she is also an RSG, or thinks she might be. Usually she is struggling with some of her emotions about it, sometimes she has already moved towards recovery. But they're out there.
Lots of them.
Lots of women who are wondering about who they are.

So, I will share with those who may be interested (all four of you...) MY experience with being a recovering straight girl and the journey that has brought me to where I am today. I will begin with one of the most frequently asked questions that I get:

"How didn't you know that you were gay for all of that time?"

It's a great question and one I continue to ask myself quite often. I can tell you that there were plenty of markers along the road that I either ignored or accepted as perfectly rational heterosexual behavior and thinking. I am certain that a lot of seemingly straight women have similar thoughts and feelings and also dismiss them as not really meaning anything. Perhaps they do, perhaps they don't. I guess that's an individual determination to decide for that person what certain "markers" mean to them.

Most of my "markers" were emotional ones, although earlier ones were sexual as well. As an adolescent I was very sexual and discovered my body at an early age. I read a lot of books (adult ones) and some of them included lesbian sex. I remember being very stimulated from reading about it but always dismissed it because I never even considered that maybe I was a lesbian as well.

Emotionally, I was always VERY (and I mean very,) wrapped up in my friends and wanted to always be with them. They meant the absolute world to me and I forged very deep meaningful emotionally connected relationships with my friends. In high school I would spend practically every night with my best friend, we slept together, showered together, did everything together (except have sex...) This kind of emotional attachment to women carried through my adult life right up to my falling in love with my best friend, (my LBCXG.) I even believe that part of my work with birth and as a doula was satisfying a deep emotional need for intimacy with women.

It's no secret that I have a thing for Gwen Stefani. I used to write in my journal about her, I could hear the pain in the music that she wrote, and I dreamt of having her in my life and loving her in the way that she deserved to be loved. Yes people, I did this as an adult!!!
On one of my birthdays (33, I think,) my XH had a party for me. No Doubt was playing in Portland that night and I announced to everyone at my party (after a few martinis) that the only thing that would make my evening better would be if Gwen Stefani pulled up and asked me to run away with her.
Everyone laughed.
I guess I was serious.

About thirteen years ago after drinking a lot of beer, I told one of my friends (who shall remain nameless,) that I was interested in experimenting with being with a girl. She shot me down and said it would "ruin our friendship..." That may have saved me then, and I now blame her for 12 years of bad sex!

I was extremely turned on by that scene in Basic Instinct where Sharon Stone is dancing with her girlfriend at a nightclub. Her girlfriend is dancing behind her, rubbing up against her.
God, I loved that scene.
I remembered that scene the first time I went dancing at a lesbian bar. I felt so exhilarated, like I had a small dream come true.

Porn movies.
I always LOVED, and I mean LOVED the scenes of girls together. There was one particular movie and I don't remember who made it but it was all girls, very sensual, very non-porn like, very beautiful scenery and beautiful women with beautiful lingerie.
XH found it boring and didn't want to watch it.
I would have watched it over and over again.

I saw KD Lang in concert and thought it was the best concert I had ever been too. Yes, I was wearing a bow in my hair and was a little afraid of all of the lesbians (shut up Woos,) but when I was pregnant with DD#3, I wanted to name her KD, like KD Lang.

One of the things that I asked myself while I was wondering was, "If I could have sex with no strings attached, no one would know, with either a really hot girl or a really hot guy, which one would it be?" I always answered, the girl. I always knew I would never, ever, ever cheat on my husband with a guy. I did cheat on him with a girl. I suppose that may just make me a bad person, but it was very telling about what I needed.

Finally, I just never, ever felt safe in any relationship that I ever had with a man, (and there were quite a few...)
I didn't realize how unsafe I had felt until I had an intimate experience with a woman.
Then it all became clear to me like a lightbulb went off for me and I was able to see EVERYTHING for the first time in my life.

It just all felt right, like all of my life I was missing something and didn't know what it was. Kind of like you feel like you're forgetting something, but can't put your finger quite on what it is that you're missing.
I was missing being gay, and didn't even know it.

In some ways, I regret not having figured it out before. I can't even imagine how much more fun I would have had in my younger years if I had been sleeping with girls instead of boys!

But I know that all things come into fruition in their own time, and I can't question why my life unfolded the way that it did, I can only be grateful that it did indeed unfold for me and I was willing and open to those possibilities as they presented themselves to me.

Especially now.
I feel as though everything in my life, every hard thing, every difficult relationship, every moment of sadness and suckiness has prepared me for this time in my life, right now.
This time in my life that I have never, ever known this kind of happiness and joy.
I've never been more grateful and appreciative.
Ever.

So the markers were there, but obviously I had other experiences that I needed to live through in order to "know" who I was.
And now I know.

My advice to any woman out there who is questioning is this:
Don't be afraid, just go with it.
If you're in a situation that you can experiment without hurting anyone (ie, you're not in a committed relationship with someone,) you should do that.
If you aren't in a situation that you can experiment, you should really try to search yourself and ask yourself what your feelings mean to you. If they are so super strong that you need to figure it out, you should communicate that with your partner (if you can,) and search that part of you.
You won't regret figuring it out; no matter what the answer is.

This ends the first installment of Ask RSG.
If you have a question, e-mail me and I'll address it.
Ciao y'all.

***RSG's afterthought:
I failed to mention the erotic sexual dreams that I would have where I was having sex with women. Now, in the dreams, I was a man, but I now believe that it was just my form of reference at the time.

Presidents Day Ski Trip

So I mentioned that XH is out of town for TWO WEEKS, leaving me with our evil spawn, I mean, leaving me with our adorable darling daughters for some quality time.
HG and I decided to take them skiing.
After their asking six times if we were "there" yet, we arrived...


Got them signed up for ski school...

And they were off.

We had to kill a couple of hours before their lesson, so I sent HG off to snowboard while I attempted to instruct them on how to ski. Now, be mindful that I am NOT that kind of mother; the kind who is patient and carefully explains exactly what to do (over and over and over and over again.) I'm more of the type of mother who wants to say "Are you stupid or something????" (Of course, I never say this, I just think it LOUDLY...)
But I did pretty damn good if I do say so myself, telling them over and over again HOW to get up when you fall and helping DD#3 get on the rope tow for the fifth time after she biffed it. But she DID get it, and here is the proof...

Look at that form!
While they were in their lesson, HG and I had a lovely time.
Unfortunately I hit a wee bit of ice (huge ass iceberg...) and fell a little bit (Olympic syle crash...)
A nice boy got my ski for me, which was a little (50 yards...) out of my way and commented on how impressive my slide was, (yes, he watched me fall from the chair lift.) He handed me my ski and said, "That looked like it hurt." I didn't know if it hurt or not, because I was still trying to figure out how the hell I didn't break anything.
I recovered quickly (the beer we had helped...) and retrieved the girls from their lesson. DD#1 wanted to go on the lift and try the big hill, so I took her up...

It started snowing...

(that's snow on my face, not snot...)
She did a fabulous job and skiied like a rock star. When we got to the bottom, the little girls wanted to try too. HG took DD#3, but didn't realize that she was a little short to just ski off of the lift. Luckily HG figured it out and had her jump off. The little girls were a little slower and DD#3 got a little scared but they fared quite well.

By the time we were leaving, the pain in my elbow and my thigh where I fell was starting to make it's presence known. I got home, took some drugs and proceeded to drink three martinis while HG iced me. The martinis helped, the ice was cold.
Today, I felt like a truck ran me over, (sidenote: people always say this like they actually KNOW what it feels like to be run over by a truck when I doubt that anyone really ever survives being run over by a truck...)
Here is the result of my almost 37 year old body hitting ice on a black diamond...


Nice, huh?

All is all, it was a GREAT time (minus my broken elbow, thigh and ass...) and now I get to whine and complain while my hottie girlfriend tends to my injuries.
I think I can handle that.

Saturday with the kids

XH is away for two weekends in a row. I don't know if I'll survive that much quality time with my dd's, but we are certainly off to a great start. (I know you couldn't hear the sarcasm in my voice there, so I'll just note it here...)

Our morning began with an 8:00 AM basketball game. Yes people, 8:00 AM.
DD#1's team got crushed, but I did have a new starbucks flavor; marble mocha machiatto. It was swell.

After a very argumentative breakfast at Elmer's; I came home to have a short nap and then it was time to clean out THE BEDROOM of dd#2 and 3. I made them be brutal in their cleaning and they managed to get rid of this much stuff...


SHE'S leaving too!!! WOO-HOO!

I don't want to move this shit if I'm ever inclined to buy a new house.

DD#2 was THRILLED to be cleaning her room...

Now I get to go to my glamorous waitressing job and deliver all of the Girl Scout cookies that the above mentioned offspring of mine sold, (well, actually I sold them, she just gets credit for it.)
This is what I get to take to work today:

This is the order of cookies that I ordered for MYSELF, (minus the two boxes I've already eaten.)

Yes I will soon be filling out those size four pants.
Very soon.

So, that's the fun on the RSG homefront.
Actually there will be a lot less fun (adult fun anyway,) than usual this weekend, and of course no strip clubs. This will give me time to ponder the feminist rantings of a certain screaming righteous feminist who disagrees with our (HG and my) fraternization of such establishments.

Hope y'all have a fabulous weekend!
(Go eat some Thin Mints so you can gain weight along with me...)

Yes bloggers, don't faint; RSG is participating in SPF...
This weeks assignment "in all your glory" meaning no cleaning anything up. No problem, I can't be bothered...

My Pots and Pans

I love red and they match my house which is always a good thing.

My Stereo

don't have one. I just burn all of my CD's onto my computer and play through it and my speakers. That way I can shuffle through every Indigo Girls song ever made if I feel like it.

Under My Bed

I totally did not stage this; I actually keep this book under my bed and whip it out if I'm curious about something...I keep it under the bed because it's not really appropriate coffee table material with three children around.

That's it folks, can't wait to see your stuff.

The only thing straight about me

is my hair presently.

Shelly, from Pack of 2 decided to Chi my hair when I stopped over at her house today. The picture of me royally sucks because I did not shower or put on any kind of make-up (including lipstick,) as I was meeting with the tax lady and I just didn't feel like it. Whatever you do, don't tell Kami that I went out like that, (she being the DIVA and all...)

Look at how fat my face looks.

Changes that change my waistline...

Okay, so I've been through some changes as of late.
They started during the holidays, I got through them and then made my very strict New Years Resolutions which were to:

1. Start smoking regularly
2. Drink more alcohol and
3. Eat higher fat foods

Sounds easy enough, doesn't it?
Yes, 2006 was going to be the year for me; I was not going to set myself up for disapointment, I would SUCCEED at my reslolutions.

So what did I do? Well I got sick with the flu (thanks W,) and couldn't drink OR smoke (loser,) and didn't feel like eating. Had some difficult emotional issues which made me not feel like eating, and then a while later, I fell in love.

Do you know what happens when you fall in love?
You stop eating.

For two weeks I did not eat, and as a result my size 4 jeans and pants were falling off of me. I had to pull my belt tight on my work pants to keep them from showing my underwear.
I refuse to buy size 2 pants (based on the principle that no one should be a size two, period,) and figured I would start eating again someday.

Well that day came sometime last week and now I can't STOP eating.
Soon I'm going to be as big as a house and then I'll be depressed because I'm so damn fat.
I've been eating non-stop and NOT healthy food, no way.
Cookies, candy, and cheesecake. Yes, cheesecake that I baked my own self just because I wanted to EAT it.

I'm not really sure what the moral of this story is except to say that no one should ever take any kind of dieting advice from me.

Celebrating a year of blogging...

February 12, 2005 was my first blog post. It's amazing to me to look back at those earlier posts and read about what was going on in my life and how difficult it all was. Back then, no one read my blog, and I didn't care that they didn't. I was just trying something to help myself break through the pain and desparity that was my life.

Through this year, I have grown and changed, and my blogging has grown and changed as well. Sometimes I forget who I'm writing for and try to be witty and funny like LeLo, or eloquent like Kristine, or entertaining like Kami and Pissy, or incredibly creative and fabulous like Jessica, (not to mention how fucking sexy she is...) Sometimes I forget who I'm writing for, but I always try to come back to me.

Everyone has their own style, and I don't really know what my style is, except to say that it's just the honest and sometimes raw feelings and thoughts of RSG. I may not always be politically correct; (yes, I like Eminem and Howard Stern, get over it people.) And truly, a lot of people extremely disagree with the choices that I've made by changing my life; but I am living my life, honestly and truthfully for the first time ever.

A lot has happened during this past year and I won't reflect too closely on it except to say that it's come full circle and I am happy that those hard times are now behind me. I always knew that they would be someday, but when you're in it, it's so hard to see...so hard.

I always knew someday I would be standing here, looking back and remembering. Because of blogging, I have a permament record of that misery; I can remember it well.
The pain, the illness, the debilitating depression, the uncertainty, the fear.
The joy, the love, the loss, the excitement of new things.

I lost both of my dogs and two of my grandparents this past year.
I was very sick at times, I started a job for the first time in eight years, made new friends, went on four trips, arrived, became. I flew to fucking California to spend the weekend with STRANGERS! It turned out to be one of the very best weekends of my entire life; one that gave me some of the best friends that I'll ever know.

And here I am.
A year later, surrounded by all of you, every day who stop by here to see what's going on in my corner of the world. YOU all are the greatest friends, I know that may sound weird to anyone who doesn't get it; but you are. You have shared your lives with me, your love, your loss, your pregnancies, your deaths, your joy, your depression, your frustrations, your sex tips... We share so much of ourselves here in blogging land and it really rocks.

So what does the next year bring for me?

Well as far as blogging goes, I would like to do some focusing on Recovering Straight Girl issues for the other Recovering Straight Girls out there (there are a FEW of us you know...) I'm going to pick a day to be RSG tip day and address something that I have discovered, learned, decided, realized about being an RSG and coming out at a later time in life.

I would also like to do a little segment (another blog attached to this one,) on Portland area strip clubs. We have more strip clubs per capita than any other US city (and more lesbians per capita as well...) I think it should be my duty in this next year to try to check out every one of them, do a little review, let people know which ones are the ones to frequent if you were so inclined. I happen to adore strip clubs as of late, and find them highly entertaining. I'm going to be very busy...

Personally, I plan on continuing to raise my girls the best way that I can (now minus a lot of heartache and drama that has been a part of their lives this past year,) be a loving daughter and sister, and work on my career ideas which include several possibilities and opportunities. I plan on having a LOT of fun (hence, the strip club project,) and finally; I plan on loving my new girlfriend the best way that I can, every single day.

I hope you will all join me on the journey; I'd love to have you along.
Here's to another year of blogging!

PS: I had to recover this post TWICE. I do not heart Blogger right now, and Typepad is looking really fucking good.

Happy Valentines Day

Love is in the air, love makes the world go round, love lifts us up where we belong...

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Everyday I love you more and more

Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change winter to spring
But I'll love you until the end of time

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you

And there's no mountain too high no river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide
But I'll love you until the end of time

Love is a many splendid thing, and all we need is love...
Pictures of love were flashed before my eyes but one day the real thing was given to me by you.

I wish to you all, all the love in the world.

The bus ride home

Nana passed away on Friday evening.
It was peaceful and she was okay; there was nothing really else that could be done that would offer her any kind of quality of life.
I'm glad that it was this way instead of the alternative.

I recently wrote about my feelings about death and my very deep faith that we are all here on earth as one aspect of our existence. Having that faith and belief structure allows me to be okay with Nana's transition into the next realm where she joins others who she loved in her life.

Her parents and brothers, her husband, and her grandson, (my cousin, Toma.)
I know they welcomed her home.

When my cousin died suddenly in a freak avalanche accident six years ago (almost exactly...) I dreamt of him.
In my dream he was dressed in a hospital gown type garment and everyone was around him, crying. All of the people that loved him and were grieving were standing around and we were all waiting for something or someone to arrive. Toma was walking around talking to people, he was smiling and laughing. He was confused as to why everyone was so sad. He kept looking at us all, with a puzzled expression, smiling and saying, "Why are you so sad?" He went on to say, "I may be leaving, but when we see eachother again, it will be forever."

A little while later a bus pulled up.
It appeared and Toma boarded it.
It was taking him on his next journey.
To forever, I guess.

Nana had a long life of 83 years.
She had three children, seven grandchildren and six great grandchildren.
She was married to my Pap for over 50 years and he loved and adored her.
She loved musicals, beaches, traveling, sewing, and making stained glass.
She collected china and bells and lots of interesting little knick knacks from her travels all over.
She and my Pap were once on the Guy Lombardo New Years Eve Show.
I remember watching them dance on a black and white television screen. Guy Lombardo died the next year I believe.
Nana loved her "stories," and was very interested in everything that Danny and Cricket and the rest of them did every day.
She loved ice cream, and fell asleep in her chair all of the time.
She always set a beautiful table and everything had to be just-so. (I learned that from her...)
She called me Honeybunch.

When I was a little girl, I would visit my grandparents. I would bring all six of my "kids" (dolls, that I loved and went everywhere with me.) I would sleep in the big antique sleigh bed covered in quilts that my GG (great-grandmother) made. I loved the way her house smelled and looked and felt. Everything was always pretty and nice with a million beautiful things to look at. She had so many books and photo albums and record albums that would entertain me for hours.
She also had cable and I watched MTV for the first time at her house.

They lived in New Jersey near a big lake. My grandfather had a boat named Pargie and we would go out in the boat for a picnic. During the days, Nana would take me to the lake to swim at the beach. I would go down the slide and she would help me with my breaststroke or butterfly. She always wore a swim cap and a bathing suit with a skirt!

They would take me to NYC for plays and movies and dinner. I remember seeing The Christmas Spectacular with the Rockets. I remember those trips into the city, in my grandparents big car seeing the New York City skyline coming into view for the first time; the twin towers and the empire state building. We went to the Bronx zoo and I have a picture holding a snake. We went a lot of places, and they loved me very much.

She was a good Nana to me, and I will miss her very much.
I am so very grateful for the wonderful memories that I have of her and what she taught me through the years of my life. They are lessons that I will pass on to my own grandchildren someday and they will pass on to theirs. She learned and taught the lessons that she needed to learn and teach, and now she has boarded the bus to the next chapter of her existence.

I wish her a lovely journey.

Ginger's fine

She survived the surgery, but she is NOT happy with us right now.
Poor baby, she's in pain.
Luckily she has drugs which seem to help a little.

Did I mention she is NOT happy?

It's morning again

and they're fighting.
Again.

"Those are MINE"
"You're so STUPID!"

I was an only child and being an only child I have no idea how to deal with this sibling rivalry stuff. Yes, I read the damn book. I have read so many parenting books, I should have a blog about parenting books. Books only tell half of the story, and most of the time it's all good in theory...

I would have LOVED to have had a sister when I was a child; someone to share secrets with, play with, hang out with, deal with our crazy parents with.
Instead I had a dog, although she certainly had her positive points.

Why is it that my children don't see the sacrifice that I've made to give them someone to have a forever friend with?
Geez, ungrateful little demons.

Ginger's going "under the knife" this morning.
No more humping.
Thank god.

Hope y'alls morning was better than mine; although I have a feeling my day must be moving towards looking up.

Why is it

That every fucking morning my children need to fucking scream their lungs out at each other.
I'm so over it.

My sweet dog has raging hormones.
She's trying to hump my leg.
Ewwww.

On a lighter note

Okay, no scripture quoting today.
I was uploading pictures off of my camera and thought I would do a little photo blogging.

Saw the Indigo Girls a couple of weeks ago, here are my friends L and C from my glamorous waitressing job...

They are the coolest. We had a fab time; went to dinner first and then saw an awesome show that was a fundraiser for Habitat for Humanity.

Superbowl Sunday; Steelers kicked some ass and RSG won $28.00 big ones. $20.00 from my lil bro, the rest from the pool...




The Terrible Towel did it's work!

My little girl got her first grooming on Sunday...
BEFORE

AFTER


She has been obsessed with her "private parts" ever since the grooming.
Well, I realized that she is obsessed because she is starting doggy puberty and going into heat. Damn, I thought I had a couple of months.
So the bad news for Ginger is that she goes under the knife on Thursday for her spaying.
Poor baby.
She is so cute, I'll let you all know how it goes.

That's it blogging friends.
Maybe something deeper another day.
Ciao.

Preparing a place

"I go before you to prepare a place for you; my fathers house has many mansions."

This is one of my favorite lines from the bible. Jesus said this to his disciples when he was explaining to them that he was going to die soon. I probably should look up the scripture, but I just can't be bothered, you'll just have to trust me.

The word "mansions" translated through the Greek more accurately means "dimensions." That expands that phrase just a bit, don't you think? I usually equate this scripture when I think about death and people passing through to their next realm of existence. That there are many different places of being, and this life that we are living is just one of them, we never really die, we just move to a different spot (0r "dimension" if you will...)

Lately, this scripture has been popping in my head, giving me a different perspective.

Jesus was preparing a place for his disciples, but he was also preparing a place for himself in his new existence. We all experience deaths (changes,) in our lives, either in the physical sense or in an emotional sense all of the time. We are constantly resurrecting ourselves and beginning again. Because this is my blog and it's all about ME, I was thinking about some of those deaths (changes,) that I have been experiencing and what it means to me.

Perhaps the changes in my life that I have been through have only existed to prepare me to be in a different place within myself and my life. Perhaps the "deaths" that I have experienced are a necessity in order for me to fine my place in my own sort of "heaven."**

Jesus knew that he needed to die and leave this human experience, and he knew what was waiting for him on the other side of that; a new and different, peaceful room. He trusted that knowledge, (had faith,) and was able to go through the hard times knowing that there was a good reason for them.

I feel that way too.
My "deaths" have been lessons for me to learn, and those lessons are going to prepare me for a different place.

I had my runes read last year.
The runes said that I was in a season of waiting,
the seeds were planted but I needed to wait it out.
I think I've waited.
I'm ready for the seeds to grow.
Maybe that's why we've been having all of this damn rain...


**For the record, I don't believe in an actual Heaven or Hell; I do believe that we carry our conscienceness with us wherever we go, in whatever dimension we're in.

Rain, rain, go away.

Okay people, I know that this is Portland, and I know that it rains from time to time around here, but MY GOD, it won't stop!

Rain, every day.
For fucking ever.
Like 51 days in a row.

Ahhhhh. Makes me want to just stay in bed all day.

As always,

you guys rock.

Thank you for your support and love and concern.
I'm okay, I really am.

It's amazing to me how putting some time and distance between yourself and a situation allows so much clarity and understanding. I've understood a lot of things about myself and about my relationship during these past six weeks or so, and even before. I've known for a long time, and it just took a few specific events to understand that what I had and what I wanted were on opposite ends of the spectrum.

If you have been a reader of my blog then you are well aware of the dynamics of that relationship and how those dynamics have been viciously cycling for over a year.
Over a year is too long and I couldn't do it anymore.
I know that she probably feels that I should have waited longer,
but it was over a year.
Over a year of my life that I spent upset and stressed and sad and unsafe and sometimes paralyzed over fifty percent of the time.
A year that I can never get back.

Was it all bad? Am I saying it was all terrible?
Of course not.
But I was not happy, and truthfully neither was she; because she was unable to move on, and without moving on, you're just not going anywhere.
I wanted to go somewhere.
And I'm going to go somewhere now.
Forward.

I loved her very much and all of those feelings and connections were real and valid and true.
It had nothing to do with how we felt about eachother.
It was the inability to do anything ELSE with our togetherness than to just feel that way.

All of this time, it was my opinion, and my thoughts that what she really wanted was to have her "relationship" with The Captain, and her "connection" with me. Unfortunately, that scenario just doesn't work in my and The Captains life.
Because of her inability to let go of that desire to walk in those two worlds, it put just a wee bit of strain on our ability to move into any other kind of relationship.

I'm eternally grateful for her support and love and for showing me a kind of love that I didn't know existed. Her love and our relationship changed who I am, and who I will be in the future, by allowing me to experience true love. Now, I'll be able to recognize it again if it happens to come my way.

The negative lesson I learned was realizing that I really am deserving of having someone truly and completely love me and want to be with me; I'll never sell myself short of that again. I'll never put up with waiting for someone, I'll never allow myself or my relationship to be disrespected, and I'll never allow myself to be second to anyone, ever.

I spent way too many years in relationships with people not being happy. I'm so over and done with that. Maybe it's bad, but I absolutely won't put up with it anymore, I'd rather be alone than to be with someone who makes me feel bad.

That's it.
I can already smell the negative comments and the hate mail. (I'm a narcissist, I don't care about anyone but myself, I'm heartless, I'm a bitch...)
Bring it on I guess, that's why I waited to talk about this until I processed it to a place where I felt okay about everything that had happened.

To the other 99% of you, I heart you bitches (that includes Gregg and Hippo too...)
Ciao.