Glamorous Waitressing Job, Days Two and Three; Daughter left at school

Day Two: Took my first glamorous waitressing test. I'm pretty sure I passed, but between you and me; I cheated a little. See, I'm a perfectionist and I can't stand not having something be 100% right, and all of these people kept coming into the break room asking, "Do you need any help?," and finally I agreed to let them help me on the ingredients of the balsamic vinaigrette, (it's not just balsamic vinegar and oil, don't me a smart ass.) So, I cheated. Just a little.

The rest of the day was fine except that everyone talked to me like I didn't know a fucking thing. I know that's part of training and you have to go through the motions, but half the time I wanted to look at my trainer and say, "I'm not a fucking idiot you know."

Day Three: A little more exciting, I actually got to talk to a customer all by myself, (they thought I might be ready for some words.)

I was a little exasperated on my way to work because XH was picking up DD#3 from kindergarten for me. I was having anxiety that he would forget or that they would get into a terrible car accident and someone would show up at my new glamorous waitressing job to tell me that my daughter was dead.

Well lucky for me, it was the first scenario. He showed up to pick her up a half hour late because he forgot.

She doesn't appear to be showing any signs of long term psychological damage but only time will tell.

If I haven't fucked up my children enough by leaving their father because I'm big dyke, now my baby gets left at kindergarten because her passive aggressive father is somehow trying to punish me for leaving him and needing to get a job which prevents me from picking her up from kindergarten on time. Somewhere in his brain he thinks that if only I wouldn't have left him then things would be as they always were and he wouldn't need to be responsible for picking up our child because I would be home taking care of things like I always did.

So basically, the fact that he forgot to pick her up and she was sitting there in the office while they called around looking for her parents is all my fault BECAUSE I'M A LESBIAN! I just can't fucking win.

Glamorous Waitressing Job, Day One

Today was the first day of my glamorous waitressing job, and I somehow managed to survive it.

Last night I couldn't sleep and I was having all kinds of crazy thought running around in my head. I was anxious about everything but mostly: that everyone would hate me, I would make a stupid mistake, I would look completely stupid in my new glamorous waitressing outfit. You know, the normal.

Finally, I said "fuck it," took a xanex, and went to sleep.

Then this morning, I met my lovely confused girlfriend for coffee and she gave me a pep talk; it was a good thing until I got in the car and started driving to my new glamorous waitressing job. I nearly had a panic attack. I could feel my chest tightening and couldn't tell if I was breathing or not. I was having visions of having to stop at the Emergency room in my glamorous waitressing outfit and ask them to make sure I wasn't having a heart attack, (remembering that I will have one between now and 11 years from now.) Aren't I a psycho?

Once there, I relaxed a bit and all was well. The bartender who did my bar orientation shared with me that there was a question of her father's paternity (to her,) and that she didn't know if her husband and she were going to make it, and that her kid isn't eating because he's getting molars. She also told me a bit about the bar.

During the lunch rush, I stood there, (looking good in my outfit,) and watched the food go out. Most of the people were very nice and very helpful, but I've already picked out my new co-workers who are going to be a pain in my ass.

Bonus about my new glamorous waitressing job: There are two "family" members who work there. They are a couple, and of course I came out to one them when given the right opportunity. She congratulated me on seeing the light and welcomed me aboard (I'm not sure if she was welcoming me aboard to the restaurant, or to being a dyke?)

That was about it, tomorrow, I go at it again.

All about me

Well it is all about me, in my world anyway.

I was thinking while I was in the shower that I really like reading personal stuff about people on their blogs. It's really a sick world we live in now, isn't it? We're such voyeurs, it's so fucking great!

Anyway, I thought I would post a few things that you always wanted to not know about me:

1. I really do think that the world revolves around me. I keep trying to tell the people in my life (especially my children,) that the sooner they figure that out, the happier we will all be.
2. I really do think that I've been a lesbian my whole life, but society failed me by shoving me into a mold of the person that I should be. And I, the compliant girl that I am, went along with it. I blame society for twenty years of mediocre sex. So now, I'm in recovery, desperately trying to follow the Recovering Straight Girls 12 Steps to Becoming a Lesbian
3. I love white cotton perfect fit t-shirts from Old Navy. I would wear them every single day if people didn't think I was weird for doing so.
4. I'm aways late. Always. Not by much, I just like to push the envelope ever so slightly. Maybe I'll be two minutes late, maybe five, more like ten, but I'm almost always late. It's my signature if you will.
5. I have two dogs. One who barks all of the time, and one who is the demon seed of all dogs. They are both old and will probably die soon, and when that happens, I will be sad. I will be sad because it will be too quiet in my house and I won't have anyone to yell at, "Get the hell off of the table you stupid fucking dog!"
6. I let my children swear in my presence but they are expressly forbidden from swearing in front of other people and especially not in front of strangers.
   They may not, however, burp in my presence. I do have some boundaries.
   In addition to allowing them to swear, I let them listen to whatever kind of music they want, including the new Gwen Stefani CD where she says "It's my shit..." I don't believe in censoring music and the same rule applies as to swearing; only in private, never in front of others.
7. I don't eat beef or partially hydrogenated soybean oil.
   I don't eat beef for health, political, environmental and social reasons, although I do occasionally cheat, shhh, don't tell anyone.
   I don't eat the partially hydrogenated soybean oil because that stuff will fucking kill you.
   My family has a long line of people having heart attacks because they eat like crap. My father had a heart attack and quadruple by-pass surgery at age 47, that's only 11 years away for me.
   I better get better health insurance.
8. I like to sleep... a lot. I prefer to sleep about 9-10 hours a night and then have a nap in the afternoon. My natural body clock is to stay up until midnight and sleep until 9:00 or 10:00 in the morning. After my coffee, I'm usually ready for a rest. Unfortunately this schedule is not condusive to raising three children and having a full-time job, (I don't have the latter as of yet.)
9. I used to have a lot of friends. I was very popular and people really, really liked me.
   That all changed when I became a lesbian and decided to divorce my husband. (Well actually, he decided to divorce me, but I went along with it.) After that, I quickly declined in the popularity polls, and most of my friends became my former friends.
10. I'm a doula, (pronounced doo-la, a greek word for woman's servant) I help couples when they are having a baby and I'm quite good at it. Unfortunately after going through a mid-life crisis, becoming a lesbian, and getting divorced, I have kind of become completely burnt out on the whole doula thing. I may go back to it at a later date, but for now I'm limiting my practice to just repeat clients.
11. I'm a procrastinator. I'm procrastinating right now. I should be doing something else.
12. I have three amazing daughters whom I love but they also drive me out of my mind a lot of the time. The problem with them is that they are way too much like me.
    My oldest daughter knows everything. She's ten. She knows everything. How does that happen? Is she some kind of spiritual prodigy sent to the world as a prophet of some kind because she understands the world better than her mother does? Yes, that must be it, that would explain it.
    My middle daughter is so dramatic about everything. Today she threw a screaming fit because I told her that she should think about brushing her hair before going to school. She flipped out and said that I was RUDE and EMBARESSED her, (no one else was present during my outrageous statement mind you.)
    My younger daughter cracks me up. She is six and says things like, "No offense," and "Actually, I think I would rather..." She finds kindergarten boring, but she still likes The Wiggles. She also reads and does math and is quite brilliant. She loves to play sports and just started T-Ball which is pretty hilarious to see.
13. I live in the suburbs. I'm surrounded by suburban socialites who work out and have their nails done on a regular basis. They like to attend Pampered Chef parties, play bunco and complain about their husbands and their children's teachers. They all drive SUV's or mini-vans and their hair usually looks nice. They volunteer in their children's classrooms on a regular basic, sign up their children for EVERYTHING available from piano to soccer to Latin to horseback riding and then complain about their busy schedules.
    I used to be one of them.
    I volunteered too much. I was on the board of directors for every fucking project I was ever involved in. I was the "go-to" girl of the suburbs.
    I was miserable and so are they.
    I now live a very scaled down version of my former self, I've eliminated a lot of it. Primarily the husband, the money, the financial security and the bunco.
    I'm so much happier!

Recovering Straight Girl T-Shirts

I copied the idea from another blogger and opened up my own cafepress store with my own Recovering Straight Girl products.

Log on and purchase your very own Recovering Straight Girl T-shirt to wear to the grocery store, kids soccer games, PTA meetings, wherever.

All proceeds from the sale of the t-shirts will go to my "going out to lesbian bars and checking out chicks" fund.

Here's the link: http://www.cafepress.com/straightnomore

My barking dog (as oppossed to my screaming pussy)

I am going to go completely fucking insane.

My 14 year old Maltese dog is driving me there with her incessant barking. I don't know what the hell is going on with her but she WON'T STOP BARKING.

The advice that I have received from my trusty friends on the internet are that she is probably gone severely senile or had some sort of doggy stroke. Whatever she has had happen, does not compare to the pain that I am enduring because of it.

She just looks at me and barks.

I let her outside, and she barks.

I bring her inside, and she barks.

I ask her what she wants, and she looks at me like I'm fucking crazy, walks around in circles, and then barks.

It's not the kind of bark that says, "There's an intruder you idiot," nor is it a, "I hear something that you don't," or "Timmy has fallen in the well" but more like "I have something to say, and you're not fucking listening."

I have some Xanex, but I'm not sure if I should give it to her, or me.

We do not discriminate based on your sexual preferences

Had my orientation today for my very glamorous waitressing job.
In the eight years since I've had a job outside of my home, things have changed a bit. When I was working in the business world, sexual harassment was just beginning to be taken seriously. It was the post-Anita Hill/pre-Monica Lewinsky days.

Well...I was required to watch an entire video about sexual harassment and what is appropriate and inappropriate in the workplace, ya-da ya-da ya-da.

Also a required lesson was learning about all of the ways my new company can't discriminate against me, their new glamorous waitress. I was happy to learn that they can't discriminate against me based on my sexual preferences.

This tickled my funny bone.

I was imagining someone asking me,
"So, Recovering Straight Girl, what is your sexual preference?"

And me saying something very, very, very nasty like,
"Well, I generally prefer it when my girlfriend licks my clit while she's fingering my pussy, but I do like other things as well; that's just what I prefer."

Do you think that's what they mean by sexual preferences? I'm just glad that they can't discriminate against me for it... whew, what a relief!

Waitressing Nightmare

Well, in the trauma of XH losing his job; I decided that I need to become at least somewhat employed in case his new job doesn't work out. So I swallowed my pride and went looking for a job as a server in a restaurant. I figured with my years and years of experience and management, I would be a restaurant managers wet dream, it would be easy to get a job and I would make the most amount of money for the least amount of time. After sending out 26 resumes to restaurants with price points all above $30.00 from the datatbase I built myself, and mail merging a very well written comprehensive cover letter and lovely resume; I heard nothing. Nothing. No interview request, nothing.

So, I once again swallowed my pride and went to a restaurant not quite as upscale as the ones I had blanketed. They interviewed me and hired me, so I'm now employed.

Yesterday I went in to fill out the paperwork and discuss my training schedule.

Last night, I had my first "waitressing nightmare."

A waitressing nightmare is one that every person who has ever worked in food service industry has had. It usually is comprised of one or more of the following elements:

• The You're Totally in the Weeds Nightmare. You have tables all waiting and looking at you and you can't get to them. You can feel them watching you and getting angrier and angrier, and there is absolutely nothing that you can do to get over to their table and take care of them.
• The You Can't Find the Kitchen Nightmare. You're looking and looking, but the kitchen can't be found. You know that you have food waiting in the window and your guests are waiting for their steaks, but YOU can't find the fucking kitchen.
• Variation of above: The Kitchen is Really, Really, Really Far Away Nightmare. In order to get to the kitchen, you must go down long hallways, dark corridors, several flights of stairs before entering some sort of mystical labyrinth to find it. Once you find your way back to your tables, you realize that you've forgotten something and you have to go back.
• The You Don't Know What You're Doing Nightmare. (This would be the one I had last night.) This nightmare is when it's your first day and no one told you anything about the restaurant or the food. Sometimes it's combined with the You're In The Weeds Nightmare. You're running around, (probably trying to find the kitchen,) and you can't take care of your guests because you don't know where anything is or what anything is. People are looking at you like you're completely incompetent and you just keep getting sat more and more and more tables.

I'm sure that there are more that I will have the privledge of having once I really start my new found glamorous waitressing job. I'll be sure to keep you posted. I believe the only cure for waitressing nightmares is to leave the business; and even then, if my memory serves me correctly, it takes about five years for them to go away.

Get over it

One step forward on the relationship road. And then suddenly...
One step back.
Or should I call it the relationship roller coaster?
Or maybe the relationship merry-go-round, because it seems we just go around and around and around.

My problem: I have issue with her ex being involved in our relationship on so many levels and in so many ways.

Her response: "Get over it."
Hmmm.

I said, "okay, I'll get over it." And thought to myself, I'm not quite sure how LONG that will take. It could be when hell freezes over (excepting that I don't believe in hell.) It could be never, I really don't know.

So here we are; right back where we were.

Do we take some more "space?" (Works until we spend any amount of time together; then we are right back to being madly in love, desperately needing each other and wanting to be together all of the time until I get pissed off about something to do with her ex being involved in some way in our relationship and then we're at the beginning again.)

Do we call the whole thing off? (Tried that before; doesn't work so well either, she's sick, I'm sick, we're both miserable.)

Do we just say "fuck it" and get married? (Of course, this means that I will have to "get over it" and as I addressed earlier, I'm not sure how long that will take.)

Oh the troubles of a lesbian relationship in limbo.

A new pope

Well, despite my hopes and efforts, I don't think that they chose me to be the new pope. I'm not quite sure why?

I suppose it could be that I'm not Catholic, and that I am a liberal, democrat, lesbian, woman. Maybe?

Well, they haven't made the announcement yet; we're still listening to Brian Williams reporting from the vatican that white smoke has come out of the Sistine Chapel. Why don't they just blog it, or send out something on the internet? Crazy. It's time to enter the new millenium, God is cool with technology, really.

If I had been elected Pope, these are the things that I would have done first in my papacy:

1. I would do away with that abstinence thing for priests. That rule is no good and should have been done away with long ago. God didn't intend people to not have sex. We're sexual beings for (God's) sake. Having sex is a godly thing, why do you think people say "Oh my God", when they are about to orgasm?
2. I would tell everyone to use birth control, and use it often. I would have condoms handed out after mass. We have enough people in the world that we can't take care of; we don't need to keep procreating and procreating and procreating.
3. I would sanction gay marriage.

But alas, I guess I won't have the chance this time; maybe next time, or maybe, the Vatican just hasn't been able to get through to me, (you know, international calling and everything.)

Ten Years Ago

I was going to write about something else today, but I decided that I needed to address for myself some of the other crap going on in the world.

I remember where I was ten years ago. I was opening my restaurant and walked out into the bar where the morning server was watching CNN. She looked at me horrified and showed me on the television that there was a bombing in Oklahoma City; babies were killed. Her name was Joelle Carter and she was wearing a blue shirt. She was a Mormon lady with five children and although she was a royal pain in the ass at times, I liked her. I probably wouldn't remember her at all except that I remember everything about that moment, it was awful. I couldn't have imagined anything more awful that day than what happened. The fact that there was a day care center on the first floor, that people dropped off their kids for the day, went to work and then everything for them changed. It couldn't have been imagined that Americans could endure such horror on their own soil, and then to find out later that Americans were the perpetrators.

Years later, we discovered that there could be something more horrible that could happen in our homeland, perpetrated by another terrorist, helped by our own president. But that's another anniversary.

So here we are, ten years later. Timothy McVeigh is dead, murdered by our own government. Our society is so fucked up that we needed to kill him to "pay" for the lives of the 168 people that he killed. Instead of looking at what we should have really looked at; what made him do it? What have we done wrong in our society, in our communities, in our families to contribute to him masterminding a plan to kill innocent people. I don't believe that he was just a sick mother fucker; that's not part of my capability of thinking. I think that we, as a society, failed him. We do not know how to teach males how to be functioning members of our life. They rape, they kill, they wage war. What's wrong with them? It's time that men caught up with the evolutionary cycle and decided that what they've been doing for millions of years isn't working anymore. Perhaps when they do that we will have a more peaceful earth and loving society.

This of course, is coming from a lesbian.

The L Word

Last night's episode of The L Word was very thought provoking for me. There was this whole dialogue that Bette had with her therapist after making love with Tina. She talked about how amazing it was and then looked down and said that it was sad as well. She went on to explain how Tina was different and that she could feel that Tina had been making love with another person and that she could feel that connection that Tina had with that other person. She said that Tina and she did things that they had never done before in bed.

What was thought provoking about this dialogue? I felt that it captured so much of the lesbian relationship that no one ever addresses. When most people think about lesbians and lesbian relationships, they don't think about the deep, almost mystical connection that two women have with one another. It's a connection that is so intense that you can actually "feel" the other person. Feel their love, feel their pain, feel their fear. When a woman makes love to another woman, it is as if you enter inside of them; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. You are a part of their experience in a way that is so amazing, it is as if you are floating in and out of an alternate reality.

When Bette spoke to her therapist about her experience with Tina, she was explaining about that experience, even if that wasn't the writer's intent. It made a connection in my brain and in my heart that unfolded an understanding that I didn't realize before. It was good stuff.

Some good news

Good news today from my XH. Looks like he landed a job and he doesn't think that much will change in the salary department. He is going to have to give back his company car and buy a new one, but besides that this new company seems like a good move for him.

So, no more guilt for me? Maybe I did him a favor; leaving him because I became a lesbian after ten years of marriage, causing him emotional distraught so severe that he lost his job because of it. Perhaps someday he'll thank me? No, probably not.

In other news... My girlfriend and I are taking a "break" from our relationship. So far, it hasn't been much of a break but I think we made a little headway today defining (not necessarily following,) some boundaries. I think the following of the boundaries will come next. I think that she does somewhat realize that she can't keep asking me for space and then run back to me and want to be with me. It doesn't really make a lot of sense, but then again, what does these days?

I told Darcy that we could do something on Saturday if she wanted. She said that we could probably find some trouble to get in to. No doubt we will, on Sunday Darcy almost got into a fight because she was checking out some girls girlfriend. (I was checking her out too, but she only saw Darcy doing it!) Of course I would have defended Darcy if necessary, (because I'm so tough, and so butch!) We'll see what the weekend brings.

I'll keep plugging along

I suppose that I am moving right along with things. I'm recovering from the shock of John losing his job and trying not to panic too much about things. He doesn't seem to be too upset about it and seems pretty confident that things will work themselves out, so I'll try not to worry either.

I sent out 24 resumes to different places that I may be interested in working part-time until I figure out what to do next. It feels quite strange to me, but I did it and now I need to just wait and see. I haven't worked "for" anyone in so long, it all seems weird.

I attended the birth of one of my re-peat clients the other day; she had an amazingly fast birth, and I feel almost guilty taking money from them. It was a beautiful birth and all was well with them all. I feel quite relieved not to have to be on call anymore and I feel good about my decision to completely scale back my practice to repeat clients only. I think that I'm making the right decision... not having a partner to be here to look after my children if I need to work makes a big difference in my ability to practice doula work. Since I don't know from one day to the next what my relationship status is, it's better that I not rely on anyone to help me out in that area. I know that I can always return to my doula work when I want or need to, until then, I will just have to trust the universe that all of my potential future clients will be well taken care of.

I have a day today without any plans and with really nothing to do. I'm sure I could find a lot of things to do, but I really just don't feel like it! I'm afraid that I'm just not all that productive lately and I kind of look at it, that I should just enjoy it now because my time off is quickly coming to an end. So I will return now to my ever important job of doing a whole hell of a lot of nothing, and I'm sure I will do it well.

Just when it couldn't get any worse

Oh I suppose it can always get worse but it certainly doesn't feel like it could.

My XH lost his job. With the loss of his job comes the loss of my spousal support and child support until he finds another. I'm trying not to panic and trying to put and keep everything into perspective, but it's a little hard. I know that I'm capable and will find a way to get through this, I know that it will somehow work out, and I do have tremendous faith in John and his income earning capabilities. I wonder what it is that I am supposed to be learning from all of this. It doesn't seem possible that one person would endure so much in such a short period of time. It's funny, I thought I was depressed before, I thought I had it bad before, I thought things were hard before; geez, I guess the universe was just getting started in the lessons that I was to learn.

The best part of this whole John losing his job thing; it's my fault. They told him that since the divorce he just hasn't been the same and his performance has been lacking. Just one more thing to be my fault. One more thing to have guilt over, and one more thing to feel awful about. It's so, so lovely.

As I have been freaking out about my sudden and unexpected loss of income and the reality that I need to make a lot of money to keep everything I have in my life, (including my home,) Marilyn assured me that she would help me out. She said that in a worse case scenario, she would move in with me, despite the fact that her stbx would hate that. That, of course, is not why I would want her to move in with me. That, would be a terrible way for two people to start off a committed relationship and I won't even consider it until she ends her relationship completely with her stbx, which she doesn't seem to understand. Her gesture was sweet, just unrealistic.

She's not ready for that anyway. She still doesn't know what she wants, and frankly, I'm getting just a bit tired of riding the rollercoaster along with her.

Bottom line: I'm stressed out, I'm cranky, I have my period, I'm anxious, and I'm sick and tired of all of this bullshit all of the time.

I didn't stop caring...

about my husband. I really didn't. I always loved him and I feel as though I always will. What changed took time and it took something outside of myself to lead me into that direction, but as it did, I didn't stop caring. I never intended to cause him pain, I know that I did, but I wasn't trying to destroy him. I really am the same person that I was, I didn't get posessed by a demon or have some psychological malfunction that switched something in my brain to suddenly become a raging bitch.

I gave him my heart, my affection, my love, my devotion...for ten years. I was there, I didn't move and I wanted to be with him always. But over time, little by little, slowly and slightly, I couldn't trust him with my heart any more. It was eaten away, like a slow spreading disease until one day in June, there was a hole that couldn't be repaired. I left. My heart left. My mind left. I couldn't do it anymore, but I didn't stop caring.

He says that he hopes that I did stop caring. That no one hurts another person like I hurt him if they care about them. He doesn't get it, I guess. It wasn't about doing something to him, it was about me and what I felt I had to do. I still look for validation from him, I still care about what he thinks and how he feels, I still care about him and I always will, because I never stopped.

The Recovering Straight Girls 12 Steps to Becoming a Lesbian

1. We admit that we are powerless over being lesbians; that our lives have become unmanageable trying and pretending to be straight.
2. We have come to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity; it is the power of pussy.
3. We have made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to being with women, and have made that shift by actually engaging in hot sexual relations with a woman… more than once.
4. We have made a list of all the men that we slept with; accepted that straight sex is mediocre sex, and forgave ourselves for wasting so many precious years sleeping with men. We have come to realize, accept and willingly expect that orgasms do happen (over and over again,) and that they are a normal part of sexual relations. We have also realized accepted, and now expect that sex last longer than ten minutes. Note: Some personal training is required in this area to build up an endurance level.
5. We have admitted to a higher power, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs pretending to be straight. In other words: we came out, and realized that we would rather have dental work done than have sex with another guy.
6. We have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and with much certainty and without hesitation, cut our nails, and very possibly our hair. Note: During this step, some recovering straight women may want to also get a tattoo or piercing, this is entirely a matter of choice. A tattoo or piercing is not a requirement as of this writing.
7. We are entirely ready to have the higher goddess remove all these defects of being straight: To prove it, we have gone to at least one lesbian bar, lesbian dance and/or lesbian event (preferable a lesbian folk singer); we have purchased CD’s from Melissa Etheridge, KD Lang, and/or The Indigo Girls; and we have acquired at least one item with a rainbow on it.
8. We are removing our straight shortcomings: We no longer refer to our straight friends who are women as our “girlfriends,” and reserve that term only for women that we are sleeping with. We have accepted that hiking is a part of life, (although secretly it can be disguised as shopping,) we have purchased a sports bra, (although we know that it’s only to be worn while playing sports.)
9. We have traded our magazine subscriptions to Cosmopolitan, Vogue, Elle, and Marie Clare; for new subscriptions to Curve, Girlfriends, and The Advocate.
10. We have continued to take personal inventory and when we are wrong promptly admit. We are open to guidance from our lesbian sisters on things related to: the proper placement of hand stamps at lesbian nightclubs, women’s basketball (especially the women’s NCAA tournament,) camping, baseball cap etiquette, dogs, cats, and beer.
11. We have sought through prayer, meditation or deep reflection ways to first access, then fine tune our newly realized “Gaydar” in order to improve our conscious contact with lesbians.
    We then have:
    Successfully recognized a lesbian and tried to make some kind of contact with her outside of a typical lesbian arena.
    Been “nodded” at by another lesbian who recognized us, outside of a typical lesbian arena. Note: This is a very important, but very difficult task that may take a lot of practice before achieving. Do not be discouraged, do not give up!
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other straight women, near and far, in the city, in the country, and in the suburbs (especially the suburbs,) and to practice these principles in all our lesbian affairs.
    
    

To my former friends

Dear Former Friends,
I hope that this letter finds you all happy and well. Of course I wouldn't know if you were happy or well, or if you were sad and sick, because you don't talk to me anymore. Oh sure, some of you are nice to me when you see me, smile and wave, ask me how I am, but that's it. You don't really want to know how I am, you don't want to know how I'm feeling, and you don't want to know what I'm doing in my life.

I celebrated my birthday a little while ago. None of you brought me a gift, sent me a card, or even bothered to call. I wasn't expecting a surprise party or anything, but hell, you could have called. I missed you all on my birthday, I always enjoyed celebrating a special day with you. I miss you all a lot, all of the time.

I know that you feel justified in shunning me, ignoring me, hating me even. I know that you feel I shattered something in our relationship that you feel like you need to cut me out of your life. I just thought that I meant more than that to you; I know you meant more to me. I do not judge you for judging me. I'm not mad at you for being mad at me. I understand and I forgive you, I'm just hurt, and that pain sneaks up on me sometimes.

Just so you know, I would never walk away from you the way that you have walked away from me. I would never turn my back on you in your time of need and hold you to some standard that I have no business doing. I would stand by you and look after you as I always have and always will. There may come a day when you need me again, and guess what? I'll be there for you, at your beck and call, any time day or night. I won't change and become bitter because of how you've treated me.

I made some very hard choices and went along with some difficult decisions. I stepped outside of where I was and took inventory and had to make changes about my life. I'm sorry that you don't approve and I'm sorry that it has made you feel uncomfortable, but you know what? It had nothing to do with you and it's completely arrogant for you to think that it did. Your one and only job as my friend was to be my friend. I never asked for your approval or your blessings, I never asked you to go along with anything that I was doing or to be happy about it. I never asked for anything, but I did expect for you to be there, still loving me, no matter what.

Because that, my friend, is what friends do, but you, my friend, were not a friend to me.